Switching on the desk lamp, I glance over my shoulder. I'm happy when David's sleeping form greets my eyes. He didn't even flinch at the click of the lamp being turned on, nor the light. I didn't know if he was a light sleeper, and I was happy when he apparently wasn't.

I sit down at the desk. There's a pad of paper on it, with a pen sitting next to it. They both bear the name of the hotel we're staying at. Uncapping the pen, my right hand hesitated over the paper. I cast a final glance at David.

It's stupid. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm being deceitful. The amount of guilt I feel, well...It's absurd. But I was starting to feel like I was losing control of my own mind, and these thoughts and feelings we're consuming me.  I had to get it out of me. It was three in the God damn morning; I had been awake for a half hour already, tossing and turning, trying to go back to sleep. 

I look back at the empty page. As I begin to write, I only hope if I get it out on paper and put it in the real world, I'll be able to go back to sleep. I just want to sleep.

Orio,

I just had a dream about you. I was walking in a forest. I think it was a little after sunrise. It seemed nice; I was walking along a dirt path, the birds were singing, the air was a perfect temperature. 

After awhile I came to a clearing. I hadn't noticed how high up I was. But once I cleared the trees, everything opened up. I was at a mountain summit. It was really breathtaking. On either side of me stood tall evergreens, the grass was soft and bright green. The sun was just cresting over the other mountains across a deep gorge that was in front of me. The mountains were grey, snow peaked.

This part of the mountain I had emerged out of the forest from had a rock jutting out over the canyon. Near the edge, the dirt path turned into gravel. I was surprised when I wasn't the only one here. Standing on the edge of the overhang of rock was a person. They were dressed all in black.

It was weird--you know how dreams go. There wasn't a breeze, but this person was wearing a long black cloak, and it was billowing to the right. It was worrying me how close they were to the edge, so I was gonna go over and warn them. I was gonna try to get them to step back a little.

But the second I took a step, Orio, the person undid the cloak, and it flew away in the wind. I watched it for awhile, tumbling over itself, wrapping around like a sea serpent going through water or something. It was strangely...relaxing.

When I turned back to look at the person, I realized it was you. I started to go to you, but then I stopped. I stopped because you slowly looked over your shoulder at me. And even though I was still about 10 feet away, I could see your face really well. I didn't say anything when a single tear fell onto your cheek. 

I watched as you outspread your arms. I knew what you were gonna do, and I didn't want you to, but I couldn't move. I tried, I tried to run at you, I tried to shout, but I couldn't. So I watched as you looked back out into the canyon, waiting a second, and then plunged off the ledge, arms outspread. You didn't jump, you just...Fell. You fell forward willingly. Only when you disappeared could I move. I screamed for you, but when I got to the ledge, you were gone. You were just gone.

A dark spot on the white sheet blooms, and I wipe away a tear. It doesn't help though; another, and then another, and I start to shake. I'm not sad anymore, I'm mad.

And it's three in the God damn morning, because I can't stop seeing you fall. And I keep telling myself we're done, and we're over, and I want to believe it so much. I want to forget you. I want to just pretend we never met, because knowing you but not having you is too much. And I hope you forget about me, too, because I could see how badly me leaving you in the hospital hurt you. 

But it hurt me more. You're the cause of all my problems, and yet I still love you. I love you, and  I hate you all at once, and I swear to God Orion, I hope you think about me as much as I do, because you won't get out of my fucking head, and I think if you actually forget me I'll hate your guts forever. Please don't forget me and what we had.  It would hurt too much if you forgot us, because I'm never going to be able to forget you.

<3,

Tris

It's then I break down quietly. My arms go limp at my sides, and I put my forehead down on the pad of paper, and I just cry. When I'm done, I sweep both the entire notepad and the pen into the trash bin, get up, crawl into bed next to David, and make myself go to sleep.

~

"You okay?"

"Mmm?"

I look over at David. He's driving. He glances at me, a worried look on his face. In my hand I'm clutching some shitty gas station coffee. I usually don't drink coffee, but I needed it today.

"Are you okay?" David repeats, eyes back on the road. "You've been unusually quiet this morning."

I snort.

"What?"

"How would you know if it's unusual or not?"

David blinks, glancing at me. "What's that mean?"

"You barely even know me," I say bitterly, my voice sounding like gravel, deep with my sleepiness. "So how the hell would you know?"

"Woah, Tristan," David replies, and edge to his voice. "It was just a question." 

"Well maybe I'm sick of your questions," I bark back.

"Fine," David says, and he sounds pissed, so I look at him. 

He is, in fact, pissed. He's puckering his lips, his eyebrows are almost touching, and he shifts in his seat. His reaction grounds me enough to make me realize I'm being a asshole.

"I'm sorry," I tell him. "I didn't sleep well last night."

David speaks. "That doesn't mean you have to be a jerk to me."

"I know. I'm sorry, David, I really am."

David mumbles something and I don't catch it. I don't know what to say. I feel really terrible. So, I just look out the window, sipping the coffee that tastes like I'm licking the bottom of the pot.

"I heard you crying."

I swivel my head to him.

"Sorry." He glances at me. "I wasn't--I wasn't going to say anything. I'm not fixin' to cause trouble, honest."

I sigh. "I know, David."'

There's some silence. David turns on the radio, but after a few songs I shut off the radio. He looks at me again.

I had specifically shut it off when an older song by Scotty Mccreery started playing. It was called Still. Any heartbreak that was still lingering from last night was amplified immediately by that song in my chest. Change the pronouns to male, and it summed up how I felt about Orion.

I needed a distraction, fast. I got that familiar pull, the one I hate. The emotional tug in the pit of my stomach, the wrenching feeling that always preceded tears.

"So, what were you doing with my hands yesterday?" I ask.

I'm a little surprised when David flushes. "Oh. Er, I'm a chirologist--a palmist." When I look confused, he explains, "I read palms."

"Oh. That's cool."

David still looks embarrassed. "Yeah...I'm into tarot cards, too."

"Neat."

He laughs and shakes his head. "Don't patronize me, Tristan."

"I'm not."

David doesn't look at me.

"I'm not," I say earnestly. 

David looks at me. I smile at him. After a minute, he slowly smiles at me, and things are back to normal.