Ya know, I LOVE it when schools try promoting the idea of inclusion

But it feels so one-sided

They KNOW that not everyone is going to include others. It's just inevitable. And we're kids. Old kids.

Sometimes I can't help but feel the odds one out

Yeah, I participate whenever I can, but my effort doesn't feel as worth. Sometimes I feel like I can't do as good as people believe I can.

When my... "peers" call me a "scholar," I can't help but think they're upset at me. First off, I'm not a scholar. Yes, I do the work but that doesn't automatically mean I'm just as smart as you think I am.

It feels like I'm pressured too. Like people would rely on me and ask me these things and I can't help but feel worried. What if I make a mistake? Will they finally think I'm a joke? Will they finally leave me alone? Will my "reputation" fail me?

I kinda feel like people have high hopes for me, but at the same time have low hopes for me. Some people would probably expect me to be some sort of loner, who is lost and confused which is not all false. I am alone, but that doesn't mean I'm lonely. I have plenty of other stuff to do just to entertain myself, like thinking of stuff to do after school, reading a book, WRITING a book, finishing other work... you know.

Sometimes I can't help but talk to myself, or talk out loud to myself but not REALLY out loud. Like just stating the obvious, whispering to myself and telling myself to keep moving.

Sometimes I hear others' whispers as well. Again, they say things out loud as if I can't hear a single word they're saying when I'm about a few inches away. Why bother whispering when I can hear you anyway?

Then, that leads to some people's choice of words. Sometimes, I would be in a group I was forced to be a part of, and I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't have someone watching my back.

Today, someone said to the other a bit about myself (which I didn't ask for). They said something that I wasn't sure was a joke or an insult, but they're a close acquaintance, unless I think they are.

At first, it felt like a joke but then I kept thinking to myself, do they care about what I think of what they say to me?

I'm not gonna lie, I felt sad. I felt like an outcast because I can't take a joke if it were one.

Another time before that, I was minding my own business in art class and another close acquaintance of mine would speak a different language than English. We spoke and they spoke the language which I had no clue what it meant. Then, they started apologizing and saying things like "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that, I don't mean all those things, I am sorry."

We have this sort of "bit" where they tell me they love me. I didn't feel offended so I just told them that everything is fine. If I'm not hurt, then they have nothing to worry about.

So then that led me thinking, what did they actually say? I felt so frustrated and awkward that I tensed up and felt like I was burning inside. What did I do wrong? Why would they say such "things" in the first place that would make them apologize?

I felt like maybe it has something to do with academics and my appearance. From then on, I felt really self-conscious (pff, as if I haven't been already)

I wanted to leave school then and there. I really can't help but think there's a story that no one tells me. It makes me feel so excluded and paranoid.

School has done some things to me, man. I just wanted to go home by the end of the day and forget everything people had ever said about and to me.

The next day I go to school, I'll keep quiet and keep myself away because I need time to think which I think I deserve.

For now at least