16

https://youtu.be/-RAsJ6dAF68

Try to feel the update, not just read it. Maybe my words might not have done proper justice, but I am sure your imagination can.

***

There is something soothing about physical pain when it syncs in harmony with the pain your heart feels. Probably, that is why Ashwin didn't act out of reflex when the handle of the pan burned his fingers. It was her who pulled his hand away and blew air on his fingers.

Shivangi frowned at him even as she pulled him aside and let the water sooth the pain. His lack of reaction didn't surprise her as much as the fact that he was stupid enough to take solace of the physical pain to momentarily forgo the heaviness of his heart.

Even after the burn was soothed, his hand was still between hers as she looked at him with disappointment that he deserved.

Ashwin straightened himself. He didn't say sorry. It was too simple word to compensate for his carelessness now or his carelessness few years ago. Words don't mean anything, if actions don't add up. His actions hurt her and his actions should be the one that will salvage them.

Also, the silence between them has prevailed too long in this house for them to break the tranquillity of it.

He wept like he was a toddler lost in land. She sat beside him looking at him mildly concerned and mildly relieved as she soothed him not with her words but her presence. She said it was not easy to not love him. He realized he could never ask her that too. Her love was hers to do with what she wants. If she was going to bestow it on a pathetic man with senses that fall in track five years too late, then be it. What he can do is not be that pathetic man anymore.

Ashwin didn't know if he will ever be truly enough to deserve her, but he knows that he has to try. Walking away is the easiest route he can take but it will make their five years unworthy. Everything that he can do, he has to do, because she is worth it.

As Shivangi bee lined to the kitchen few minutes later, Ashwin followed helplessly more because wanting to be in her presence dragged her rather than his need to feed them. Only when inside the kitchen he realized she must be famished. Then began their soundless dance in sync as they began working in the kitchen.

They probably needed it. The rhythm only cooking could give them. Cooking together is deeply rooted as a happy memory in them that no amount of negativity could manage to erase the way their whole body and mind become attuned to each other when they perform the activity. It was their therapy.

It was also easy to work in harmony without words being shared. Once Ashwin returned to the pan where oil was simmering, the sound of knife tapping on the cutting board while she chopped onion was the only noise. When the clatter stopped, he turned around to look at her. She widened her eyes slightly as if asking him if it was enough. He didn't nod only gulped, but that seemed to have conveyed the message that it was enough for she began to chop the tomatoes next.

When Ashwin moved away to collect the spices from the shelf behind, Shivangi automatically took his place in front of the stove to sauté the ingredients in pan. Her fingers twisted the knob to turn down the heat. She just knew what he wanted at least in the kitchen.

Dinner was as silent as their cooking with only clatter of the cutleries keeping them company.

Only when dinner was over that Ashwin realized that they were in his house at quarter past one and she was not going home. His mind was too occupied before to ponder the technicalities.

He looked at Shivangi who halted near the small fish pond on the way back from kitchen and was poking at the glass wall making the fishes run to her finger's reflection.

Ashwin cleared his throat as he stood beside her. The silence was so accommodating in the past few hours that Ashwin almost forgot that he could talk.

When Shivangi met his eyes, she knew what he was struggling to say. She was impulsive, but she is also a woman. She knows what she got into even before she committed to her mother that she will be staying out of their home.

Ashwin opened his mouth to say something. His eyes flicked to the guest bedroom in the ground floor, before his eyes returned to where Shivangi was standing only to not find her there.

Shivangi was near the eight feel long French window that overlooked the beach. A barely there smile reached her lips and Ashwin knew what she wanted.

It was fifteen minutes walk to the beach from his house. The swish of the breeze and roar of waves that kept getting louder as they neared the beach are the only companion to their silence.

They both found the silence settling. It helped to calm their mind in contrary to popular belief.

Shivangi didn't hesitate to walk past Ashwin to be embraced by the cold waves of sea. She craved for the water to sooth her. Finally, after five years of torment, she felt as if a big burden has been lifted off her chest.

It was not Shivangi's intention to share her pain with him and make him feel guiltier. She would never do it to Ashwin. She thought he ought to know only because it felt so right to share with him her worries. There is only so much word can express. The heart feels more. Not everyone reads the tunes of your heart. Shivangi believed Ashwin could read hers. Today, when she opened up to him, she felt as if along with her words came a thread of unspeakable pain that rolled out like it was set free. Only he knew how to spin out the thread off her.

It was crazy to think that he can have that power over her. Was six odd months enough to feel for someone so strongly that five years is too less to get over them?

Was he really her soulmate as some believed?

Shivangi turned around to find Ashwin still standing where she left him while having an attentive eye on her. She was waist deep in the water. He was not pleased. His pressed lips and furrowed eyebrows made it evident. However, he is too deeply muted by misplaced guilt about not denying her anything.

Shivangi suddenly felt rebellious. She hasn't felt this way in a while. She wanted to push herself. She wanted to push him. She took two long strides and moved more into the water. His arms that were crossed at his chest untangled and he panicked. Shivangi giggled inadvertently. It was so easy to know what he will do.

Ashwin knew it was not a good idea to play in water at night. Logically, he has several points to argue why what Shivangi was doing was stupid. However, he couldn't get himself to tell her not to do that. How can he? Will he ever have enough confidence to show rights on her?

Her telling him everything was a sign of trust. Trust that takes more courage than the one she showed by deciding to staying with him alone in the house. Bearing your soul is the hardest thing in the world. Ashwin was elated as well as scared that she trusted him so much.

What he did five years ago was unintelligent. He in a way permanently damaged a part of both of them, hers more than him. In theory, he was not worthy of anything. However, logic of love isn't that straightforward.

If wants to see her happy, this time he has to stay in person to make sure that she is happy.

Deep inside he knew she trusted him. A kind of trust that isn't faded by time or hardships. It is up to him to now show her that her blind trust isn't futile, no matter how undeserving he feels of the trust.

Ashwin's breath caught in his throat as he saw her sway in the water. This incredibly difficult woman was going to give him a heart attack some day.

Ashwin marched inside the water determined to bring her back to the shore even if he has to break the precious palace of silence they have built.

Ashwin's resolute eyes amended into soft plea as he saw the smile adoring the corners of her lips as she cupped water in her hands and threw it around like ball.

It was not safe. He has to tell her. It is ridiculous that they both are standing in the middle of water at late night not bothering about anything a sane person should be concerned about.

He opened his mouth to speak when a powerful wave pushed her to his arms. Ashwin held her shoulder to study her, but he must have lost his own balance because she pulled him towards her to straighten him.

The waves swayed them to its music and as a result Ashwin found himself embraced in her soft arms.

Shivangi's left palm was flat on his right chest. It was silly how she used to fist her hands during the show when she has to touch him. Her young mind then was too jumbled not knowing how to handle the proximity. Shivangi now was a woman who knows what she wants.

Her theory, after all, was not a myth. She could hear his heartbeat. In fact, right this moment, it was beating so loudly that it could rival the roar of waves.

He must be tensed, she deducted. Shivangi didn't know what caused it. Was it her unwise act in water to beckon him near her or her calculated move to hug him?

He was surely taken aback. His hands were fisted at his sides and his face as far as Shivangi could see was as white as a sheet.

Maybe the right thing to do will be to untangle herself from him. But that was not what she will do.

Few hours ago, Shivangi would have bet on her life that she wouldn't be doing what she is doing now. She was bold, but not in lines of these acts. However, there is a line that was blurred today by their confrontation that is giving her a power as well as need to do what she is doing now.

This might not be the wisest of ideas. But, Shivangi knew they both needed it. Some things need to be let out and not often can words be used for it.

Like their hearts, she hoped their body had language of their own and she thankfully, she was not wrong.

The minute tips of Shivangi's fingers stroked his left elbow, his hands on own accord wrapped around her. She felt him relax and hot breath of his deep exhale warmed her nape.

His action gave her more confidence and she tightened her hold around him. Her face pressed more to his heart while her right hand grabbed the back of his semi-wet T-shirt.

Ashwin's mind had lost its control. Only that could explain why his body was doing what it was doing.

She was supposed to feel safe in his arms, but it was he who felt secure in her tiny arms. Maybe she knew he needed it, they needed it. There couldn't be any other place that could make them feel more sincere and serene.

In midst of the boisterous waves, they both found their bliss.

The water has already drenched them. Ashwin was not even sure if he was wiping his tears or only droplets of water, but at that moment he didn't care.

No matter what they faced, no matter what happens tomorrow, uncaring of what is right or what is wrong, they both lost themselves in the togetherness.

*** 

What do you feel?