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***

Showers of sky mingled with dried tears on her face as Shivangi stood in his bedroom balcony letting the cool air caress her. It was such a poetic justice to see the universe cry as rain to match one's mood. The cool breeze sent shivers down her spine and it for some reason bought her great comfort.

Ashwin's presence was only indicated through the light sound of his footsteps. He silently extended a cup to her. Shivangi would be grateful for any hot beverage that could warm her throat.

Wordless he stood in on corner of the balcony leaning over the railing as he fixed his eyes on her in a way that made her less conscious and more confident.

Shivangi cradled the hot cup in her hand as she seated on the chair with both her feet under her. She turned to her side to look at the view that balcony presented.

"Inga irundhu garden full ah teriyudhu." She commented

(You have full view of garden from here)

He hummed his answer as he gulped the liquid. "I wanted it that way. Morning pleasant ah arambikum."

(I wanted it that way. It will be pleasant to wake up to)

"Pool illaye?"

(You don't have a pool, do you?)

He chuckled humourlessly. If this is how she wants to be, then so be it.

"Garden or pool nu vandapa I chose garden. Konja naal kalichu, innum konjam sambarichitu, terrace la oru hot tub plan panlam nu iruken."

(I had to choose between pool and garden, so I chose garden. Later, when I have enough money, I might order for a hot tub to be placed in terrace.)

She nodded as she took a sip of the drink.

"Naan neraya kaasu vechu iruken. Adha enna panradhu nu teriyala. Ivlo naal appa amma kooda dana iruken, so perusa selavu illa."

(I have a lot of money. I don't know what to do with it. I have been with my parents, so didn't find any use for own money)

"I am sure you are richer than me."

Shivangi's lips twisted downside in uncertainty and nodded her head. "Maybe, but I don't think it matters to the society. Oru ponnuku evlo success, fame, name, money irundalum it is at the end of the day a patriarchal society."

(Maybe, but I don't think it matters to the society. Doesn't matter how rich, successful, famous or popular a woman is after all it is a patriarchal society)

Ashwin's hand paused in air when he was about to take another sip and he looked at her.

Sun raha hai na tu

Ro rahi hu main

Sun raha hai na tu

Kyun ro rahi hu main

"I was lost. First konja naal enna nadakudhu ne puriyala. Fans oru pakkam enna ennamo theories and decoding pannanaga neenga unfollow pannadhuku. Sila per enaku supportive ah tweet pannanga, sila per ennna ennamo pesinanga. Tappa pesinanga. Ungala pathi, enna pathi, nambala pathi. It is not a phase, it is actually happening nu purinjikave enaku one month aachu. I was waiting for you call."

(I was lost. Initially, I didn't know what was happening around me. Fans had their own theories and decoding for you unfollowing me. Some supported me, while some had vile things to say about you, me, us. It took me a minth to understand that it was not a phase but actually happening to me. I was waiting for you call.)

She looked at him for the first time since he entered the balcony and Ashwin hoped she hasn't. Those were the same eyes of that twenty one year old young girl who was too naive to have faced all this alone. Something inside him started to break the very moment.

Manzilein ruswa hain

Khoya hai rasta

Aaye le jaaye itni si ilteja

Yeh meri zamanat hai

Tu meri amaanat hai aa...

"Naan unga kitta nejamave expectation vechukala to return my affection, but I thought at least neenga oru well wisher ah en kooda irupeenga nu. You..." her voice choked through the tears." You just left me alone to the wolves. "

(I truly didn't expect anything from you in return for my affection, but I thought you will stay by my side as a well wisher. You just left me alone to the wolves.)

"Oru ponna irukaradhu evlo kashtam teriyuma, Ashwin? Yena indha oorla oru ponnukum oru paiyanukum ennikume different rule book dan. Pugazh anna maari oru paiyan pathu ponnu kooda ore neram flirt panna, adhu charmer. Aana oru ponnu unmaya oru paiyan pudichiruku nu dairiyama kanna paathu sonna, adhuku enna ennamo per solluvanga. Oru ponnu pakkathula varadhu pudikama ungala maari talli poona, adhuku per gentleman. Idhe oru ponnu oru paiyan palgara vidam pudikala nu talli pona avaluku over scene-u , attitude nu solluvanga."

(It is not easy to be a woman, because society has different rule book for a woman and a man. Like Pugazh anna, if someone flirts with ten different women, he is a charmer. If a woman openly confesses her liking for a man, then she is called names. If a man doesn't like a woman and keeps distance like you have done, he is a gentleman. If a woman keeps her distance from a man not liking the way he is with her, then she is a show off with attitude.)

Shivangi pressed her lips together as her old wounds resurfaced and messed up her emotions. She pushed the small table in front of her away and walked to the railing and stood parallel to him. She held the smooth top of the railing in both her hands and twisted it in attempt to the physical exercise help to align her thoughts.

Mujhko irade de, kasmein de vaade de

Meri duaon ke isharon ko sahare de

Dil ko thikaane de, naye bahaane de

Khaabon ki barishon ko

Mausam ke paimane de

Apne karam ki kar adaayein

Karde idhar bhi tu nighahein

"Naan manasara dan unga kitta palaganen. I was in lo..." she bit her tongue before she could utter the word. "Ellame manasara dan pannen. But, TV la varo yaaro voda ponnu dana naan, so it was very easy for everyone to call it content, especially after you left everything so abruptly. And of course..." she smiled bitterly."Season maarumbodhu en manasum maranum. My feelings and emotions pathi yaarukum kavala illa. 'Ashwin illaina enna Shivangi indha pudhu season pudhu allu ivana paathu siri'. Enaku evlo kevalama irundhuchu teriyuma? "

(I was honest in the way I was with you. I was in lo.... I did everything from heart. But, a TV star, someone else's daughter, , so it was very easy for everyone to call it content, especially after you left everything so abruptly. And of course...I was supposed to change my heart as season changes. No one cared about my feelings and emotions. 'So what if you didn't score with Ashwin, try smiling at a new man.' Do you know how humiliated I was?)

"Shivangi ma, please..."

Sun raha hai na tu

Ro rahi hu main

Sun raha hai na tu

Kyun ro rahi hu main x (2)

Yaara..

"Illa Ashwin, enna tadukadeenga. You wanted me to speak, ippo kelunga. Ungaluku ellam teriyanum nu neenga dana soneenga." Shivangi wiped the tears with the back of her hand. "Neenga ignore pannadhu, well, it couldn't have come at a worse time." She sniffed. "Naan dan indha ulagathula azhagu nu naan sollave illa. I know I am just another average girl, but andha vayasula oru paiyanoda validation vechu dan oru ponnoda image iruku nu enaku teriyala. Ashwin Kumar, handsome man, most desirable man, enna vittutu pona naala naan guilty ah feel pannanum, naan insecure ah feel pannanum nu indha ooru mudivu panniduchu. You know what? They actually made sure I felt that way. Appo vandha memes and comments..." She pressed her palms to her eyes." Damn!" she swore. "Did I really deserve it?"

(No Ashwin, don't stop me. You wanted me to speak, so listen. You wanted to know everything, right? When you ignored me, well, it couldn't have come at a worse time. I never claimed to be the most beautiful in the world. I know I am just another average girl, but I didn't know that I needed a man's validation to feel good about my looks. Ashwin Kumar, handsome man, most desirable man, left me so the world decided that I ought to feel guilty and insecure. You know what? They actually made sure I felt that way. Those memes and comments... Did I really deserve it?)

Ashwin gulped hard. He wished he could close his eyes and all this can be erased, but it is not that easy. In front of him stood the girl who underwent all this alone just because he took one stupid decision.

Waqt bhi thehra hai

Kaise kyun yeh hua

Kash tu aise aaye jaise koi dua

"Naan depressed ah irundan nu enake puriyala. Amma appa ku ore confusion. Yenda namba hyperactive ponnu didirnu sogam aaita nu yosichanga. Media laye irukara nalayo ennavo Pugazh anna ku dan ellam first purinjichu. Avar enna taniya kootitu poi pesinaru. Anniku naan avar kitta enna pesinen nu enaku ippo kooda nyabagam illa, aana neraya alhuden. En life la avlo aludade illa. Avar kooda irundaru. Enakaga neraya pannaru. Old friends kooda meet up, international holiday, yoga classes, orphanage kids interaction apdi innum neraya. Motivate pannaru. Tappa pesanavangaluku enna vittutu innoru content kedaika oru maasam dan aachu, aana enaku veliya vara ondra varsham aachu. Aprom dan singing career kickstart aachu. Music romba help pannuchu."

(I didn't know I was depressed. My parents were confused. They wondered why their hyperactive daughter was all of a sudden upset most of the time. Maybe because Pugazh anna was part of the media he figured it out. He spoke to me privately. I don't remember what I spoke to him that day. I only remember that I cried a lot, like never before. He helped me a lot. He organized old friends meet up, international holiday, yoga classes, orphanage kids interaction and much more. He motivated me. It took only a month for haters to move on to next issue but it took me one and a half years to get back to normal. My career began to kickstart and music helped me heal)

"Indha anju varsham en ninaivugal manasula irundadhu nala dan nalla vazhndada soneenga. Naan indha anju varsham unga ninaivugala konjam konjam ah manasula irundhu alichu dan nalla vaazha arambichen. Ippo neenga didirnu vanduteenga."

(You told me you spent these five years with my memories. I spent these five years wiping off your memories for better future and then you appeared from nowhere.)

Tu rooh ki rahat hai

Tu meri ibadat hai aa

Apne karam ki kar adaayein

Karde idhar bhi tu nighahein

Ashwin sat down on the floor and pulled his legs close to him. He held his head in his hand as he began to weep.

He didn't know what he expected to hear. Did he think her misery was going to be less agonizing than the pain of his solitary? Damn! There isn't even a comparison. Even if he walked through the doors of hell he is not going to have experienced half of what she did. And all this because she is a woman who chose to wear her heart on her sleeves? How cruel is the world?

A shadow loomed over him before Shivangi knelt down in front of him.

Sun raha hai na tu

Ro rahi hu main

Sun raha hai na tu

Kyun ro rahi hu main

"Ashwin." She called, but he didn't lift his face. "Whatever happened..." she placed her hand on his elbow. "Kandipa adhu nadandirukum. Unga tappu illa. Indha society ooda tappu. Neenga kooda irundalum nadandirukum. Neenga kooda illa. Irundirukalam. Irundirunda better ah irundirukum"

(Ashwin... Whatever happened.... It would have happened. It isn't your fault. It is society's fault. Even if you had stayed, it would have happened. You were not with me. You should have stayed. It would have made me feel good)

That made him feel worse. Yes, he couldn't have made the whole world shut their mouth, but he could have at least stayed with her. Ashwin could think of thousand ways how him being with her could have made things easier for her. Why did no one tell him that these things were going on with her? He only saw the surface layer and assumed everything was flowery. He failed to see the sadness behind the smile.

Of all the people he must have been the one to notice it first. Doesn't he boost that he loves her the most? Then how can he not see her sadness? Why was he not with her when she needed him the most?

"Ashwin." She called him again. This time she shook his shoulder.

Ashwin finally managed to lift his eyes to look at her. How can he face her anymore? After all that she has undergone alone when he was living in a bubble that he made things better for them.

Tears blurred his vision, but she seemed to have got hold of herself. Her eyes weren't misty anymore. Of course, aren't women stronger when they want to be? He is the one who is a mess now.

"Ashwin, I ..."

"Don't ever love me, Shivangi." He pleaded. "I don't deserve you."

Shivangi's face was bare except for a small sour curve of her lips. "I wish it was that easy."

***

How was it?

IMPORTANT

I will be conducting a space in twitter tomorrow i.e 9/06/20121 – Wednesday – 9 PM IST. I would like your presence so that we can discuss my stories, Ashaangi or anything in general (baring personal stuff)

Anyone interested to speak can volunteer or if you have any questions you wish me to answer, you can drop as inline comment here or DM me privately in wattpad, twitter or Instagram.