14

Shivangi was gloomy and so was the night sky outside. The hurt flashed in his face after she told him she doesn't trust him with her heart is etched in her heart. She has always been this way with words, impulsive. Earlier, those unfiltered words used to be only her funny monologues. For the first time what she has said has hurt someone and it in turn made her upset. Out of all the people, it had to be him? Well, what to say, he brings out the best and worst in her.

"Anna." Shivangi looked at her driver through the mirror of the car. "Yen innum vandi edukala?" she just wanted to leave MM office and reach her bed soon so that she can sulk in peace.

(Why have you started the car yet?)

"Ashwin tambi vararu." Driver said signalling her to look behind.

(Ashwin is coming)

Yes, it was Ashwin. He changed into a different T-shirt from what he was practising, a duffel bag was thrown over his shoulder and he was jogging towards the car.

Shivangi rolled down the window as soon as Ashwin reached the car.

"En car illa. Drop panna mudiyuma?"

(I don't have car. Can you drop me?)

Shivangi nodded or she thinks she does. She was too occupied to know what she did. Minutes ago they shared such a heavy moment and now here he is asking her to drop him home casually.

Isn't he as affected as she thought him to be?

Ashwin threw his bag in the seat near her and perched in the passenger seat. Shivangi was secretly thankful for it. Sitting beside him in this state of mind isn't good for her hear. Who knows what she must have ended up doing?

Illayaraja songs that the driver religiously collects played in the car and it soothed and aggravated her soul equally.

Once they reached Ashwin's house, he got down, then opened the back door to collect his bag. That was when he made eye contact with her.

"Do you wanna come inside?" he asked

Shivangi's eyebrows furrowed. At this time? She didn't ask but her expression conveyed it. It was already half past nine. Was he being formal?

"For a cup of coffee maybe?"

Now Shivangi was sure he badly wanted her to come to his house and it is not formality. They both don't drink coffee. Him deliberately mentioning only means that he has something else to tell her.

"Anna, neenga inga wait pannunga." She told the driver. "Naan ulla poi avar amma va paathutu varen."

(Wait here. I will meet his mother and come back)

Ashwin opened the door with his finger print and entered the house. Shivangi followed him meekly. Their house is always quiet, but today it felt extra silent.

"Aunty toongi irupangala?" she asked

(Is aunty asleep?)

"Amma appa Coimbatore poi irukanga." He answered. She looked at him surprised. "Avangala airport drop panna dan car poi iruku."

(Parents have gone to coimbatore. They are being dropped in airport in my car)

Well, he didn't invite her in to meet his mother, of course, but Shivangi didn't think they will be alone in his house.

She was wondering what does he want when he took her hand. Shivangi looked between his hold on her hand and then at him. "Vaa." He said. "Yenga?" she asked. "En room ku."

(Come)

(Where?)

(To my room)

Shivangi didn't have time to react as she was already being dragged to his room.

Not in million years she will be scared to be alone with him in a house or even a room. He made her feel safe always. So, that was not her hesitation. Shivangi only wondered what he was up to. He looked more determined than he has even been and that confused her as she wasn't sure what caused it.

Ashwin's room was the biggest bedroom she has even seen. It had everything that could make it a complete home in itself. Large bed, couch, TV, wall of CDs and books and more. The balcony door was closed, though she could see between the fluttering drapes. Another closed door, she assumed lead to walk in closet and bathroom.

Shivangi rubbed her arms at the inexplicable feel she got when being in his personal space for the first time when a noise caught her attention. She turned around and noticed Ashwin had pressed some button in a small remote that opened what looked like a painting and inside it was another wall. What she saw displayed in the wall made her forget to breath.

She walked as in trance towards the wall. Was she actually seeing it and not imagining?

Frames of various size occupied the wall, not placed in right alignment, but made a perfect picture.

"Indha rose...." she wasn't able to complete the sentence as she saw a frame containing dried rose.

(This rose...)

"Enaku tooki podanum nu tonala." He whispered in his husky voice as he stood behind her. "Nee first time kuduthadhu. Yeno romba naal oru book kulla badarma vechu irunden."

(I didn't throw it away. The one you gave me. It was in between a book since so long)

Diagonal to it was the paper that was given along with their 'Trending pair' award.

He said. "Nee dan andha award mulusa deserve panna. Oru vela nambanala sera mudiyalaina en nyabagama un kitta edachu irukanum nu nenachen.So, andha trophy unake kuduthuten. Evlo varsham kalichu paathalum 'Ashwin nu namaku oruthar teriyume' nu nee nenaicha podhum. "

(You deserved the award. If we didn't end up together, I wanted you to have it as our memory so that you will remember every time you see that. No matter how many years pass, you will look at it and think 'Ashwin someone I used to know')

Shivangi lifted herself on the tip of her toes as she examined the next frame.

"Idhu en kai!" she exclaimed. "Andha immunity episode la irundhu... Adhu dane?"

(This is my hand)(From immunity round....isn't?)

Ashwin nodded. "Set la irundhu suttuten." He admitted cheekily

(I stole it from the sets)

There was a lone pearl that sat on small frame with pink background.

"Pearl?"

Ashwin side stepped her and caressed the frame. "Un dress la irundhu vilundadhu. Namba interview anniku. Appo enaku teriyadhu namba last ah anniku dan onna santhoshama siripom nu. " he confessed. "En car la vilundhu irunduchu. Namba last real meeting nyabagama vechukitten."

(Fell from your dress during our interview together. At that time I didn't know it was going to be the last time we will meet in person. It was in my car. I saved it as a souvenir.)

Shivangi didn't know what to say. He told her that he lived with her memories. Yes, she believed him, but she didn't realize his feelings were so deep that they took this form of expression. This classic crazy in love form of expression. His way of love and romance was actually larger than life.

"Indha wall full ah fill pannanum." She heard him say. "Un koodoa avlo memories venum. Life full ah ovvaru nimisham naan unna rasichukitte irukanum."

(I want to fill this wall) (I want many memories of you. I want to adore you my whole life)

Shivangi refused to meet his eyes fearing she will cry.

"Indha veedu kattum bodhu nee en kooda illa, aana idhu full ah naan unna nenachu dan katnen." He admitted. "Nee ippo dan inga first time vara, aana ..." he chuckled. "Naan evlo naal indha room la unkooda vazhndiruken teriyuma? En manasula eppavum nee en kooda dan irunda."

(You weren't with me when I built this house, but it was designed with you in my mind. You have come to my room for first time, but I have lived with you here in my thoughts every day. You were always in my mind)

Shivangi was dumbfounded. He has told her again and again that he loves her even though not using the words, but she didn't expect him to feel this deeply. When he said he lived with her memories these five years, he actually meant it.

Every day he has came home to her even though she was not in his life.

The weight of the realization weakened her legs and unable to cope, Shivangi sat on the bed. Her hand carelessly knocked something off the night stand. She immediately tried to straighten it only to receive another revelation.

It was her picture.

The frame held her picture that was a shot from their first interview together. It was lauded by everyone at that time and some even went on to say it looked like a shot from 'manirathnam' film. She was looking at him with pure love and adoration.

Shivangi took photo frame in her hand and caressed it. Now when she could look at her twenty year old self from different eyes, she realized that she was indeed in love with him.

The frame was taken away from Shivangi's hands and placed back in its place. Ashwin knelt in front of her and took her hands in his.

"Naan unna emotional aakvo, illa unna influence pannavo idhu ellam kaatala. En love unaka puriyanum nu dan nenachen, ipdi nana adha diaplay pannanum nu nenaikala." He said. "Aana, inniku nee unn heart kuduka trust illa nu sollum bodhu, enaku 5 years munnadi ennaye paatha maari irunduchu."

(I want to make you emotional or influence you with all this. I wanted you to realize my love, but didn't want to display like this. But, today when you told me you didn't trust me with your heart, I was reminded of me from five years ago.)

"I was scared, Shivangi. Sacred of you. Scared of me. Scared of my feelings. Scared of us. Enaku enna panradhu nu onnum puriyala. Naan romba yosichu oru mudivu eduthen. Adhu correct ah tappa nu ippo debate illa. Aana, en fears enna blind aakuchu. Adhu dan unmai. Oru individual ah enaku enna nadandalum paathukalam nu mudivu eduka dairiyam varala. Adhunala indha 5 years ellam irundum taniya irunden. "

(I was scared, Shivangi. Sacred of you. Scared of me. Scared of my feelings. Scared of us. I didn't know what to do. I thought a lot and decided something. I am not gonna debate if it was right or wrong. But, I can't deny that my fears blinded me. As an individual I didn't have enough courage to face whatever came my way. So, I was lonely these five years.)

"Unna avlo varsham kalichu paakumbodhu, Yenda avlo bayandha. Ava unakana ponnu. Ava kooda irukaradhu dan vazhka nu en manasu enna tittuchu. Enaku unna tirumbi paakum bodhu dan terninjichu you are so much worth than any of my fears and insecurities. Inniku ellathayum taandi, ivlo varsham kalichu we are still here. We are still together. Idhuku naano neeyo mattum karanam illa. Indha universe adha nadathudhu."

(When I met you after all those years, I wondered why I was so scared, you are mine,I realized you make my life worth living. I realized you are worth more than my fears and insecurities. After everything we have been through, after so many years, we are here. We are still together. It is not only because of us, this universe conspired for us.)

"Ella paiyanum avan love panra ponnu munnadi hero va irukanum nu nenaipan. Aana, naan oru nimisham kooda ennoda vulnerabilities ah un kitta kaata yosikala. Yen teriyuma? Naan unna part of me ah paakaren. Nee en amma—kum mela, ma. Un bayam baseless nu sollamaten. But, enna maari andha bayatha paathu bayandhu namba innum namba life ah waste panna koodadhu nu dan yosikaren."

(Every man wants his love to look at him like a hero, but I had no qualms baring my vulnerabilities in front of you. You know why? Because you are a part of me. You are more than my mother is to me.I won't call your fears baseless. But, I just don't want you to be scared of this fear and waste our life.)

" Ore oru vaati Shivangi ma, please, enna nambu. Just one chance. Naan unn heart ah romba badarma paathukuven. Namakaga indha bayam overcome pannu. You are much stronger than me. En kitta pesu, please. Un kooda illadha anju varsham Ashwin epdi vazhndan nu naan kaatiten, ippo anju varsham Shivangi epdi vazhnda nu nee kaatu."

(Only once Shivangi, please, trust me. Just one chance. I will keep your heart safe. Overcome this fear for us. You are much stronger than me. Talk to me, please. I showed you how I lived these five years without you, now show me how you lived)

They both were crying, but neither tried to console the other. It was tears that had saved up all those years. It deserved release before the rightful person.

Ashwin tightened his hold on her hand. How can he feel both powerful and powerless at the same time in front of her?

Shivangi on the other hand didn't know what made her heart heavy. Was it his confession or the weight of her own feelings that she has been trying to hide unsuccessfully.

He was right. She was scared. She was scared of her own feelings. Can she love him the same way she did five years ago without shadow of the dark times looming over them?

They were worth it, totally, but is she strong enough?

He thought she was strong enough. But, she couldn't take his word for it. He always saw her as more than who she was. In his eyes, she was always the epitome of goodness and everything positive. However, she had her own set of doubts and insecurities.

He wants her to share with him everything. He wants her to bare her soul to him just the way he did.

The question isn't if she can be vulnerable in front of him. The question is if she can be honest to herself. Because, for all the praises that has been rained on her being open, Shivangi has a part of her heart that is sealed and she doesn't even allow her to open it.

Deep inside Shivangi knew only Ashwin has the love and sensitivity to not tear the most delicate part of her heart.

Can she trust him now?

She has been in love with this man for the past six years and finally here they are in a juncture where what is standing between her and her love is her fears.

If she lets the fear win, like him, then they will be damaged beyond repair. If she hates him for what he did all those years ago, then now she should not do the same. She should not let her fear win. She should fight for them. Most importantly she should fight for her, to prove that she is indeed the strong woman that he is in love with.

Shivangi's phone buzzed indicating an incoming call. Her mom must be worried. It was much past her regular time to return home.

Ashwin who also noticed the caller ID, looked at Shivangi guiltily. He wanted them to sort this immediately, but he knew she has to be back home safe and sound. Her parents must be worried.

He lifted himself off the ground and moved to the other end of the room to collect tissues for them while she can attend the call in peace.

"Amma, innum kelambala." She whispered into the phone.

(Mom, I didn't leave yet)

Ashwin returned with a roll of soft tissues and handed it to her. She was still busy in phone to take a note of the tissues.

"Rehearsal konjam late aaiduchu." She was saying. "Illa innum mudiyala. Aama." He could only hear her side of the conversation." Okay. Naan inniku romba late aagalam adhunala Roofa mam kooda avanga veetla poi tangikaren."

(Got stuck with rehearsal. It isn't over yet. Yes. I will be late today so I will stay at Roofa mam's place.)

Ashwin's head snapped in her direction unsure what she was talking about. Shivangi's eyes caught Ashwin's. "Safe ah dan ma irupen. Neenga worry pannadeenga."

(I will be safe mom, don't worry)

Once Shivangi after giving all the assurance that her mother needed regarding her staying at her mentor's cut the call and looked up at Ashwin.

It is going to be long painful night, but they can already sense that dawn was going to bring so much brightness.

*** 

No brownie points for guessing next update will be very important for this story.

So, come back on Tuesday or Wednesday to know more. (I keep two days of a week in option for update because even I am not sure when I will be free to type. So, don't ignore the second day mentioned if update isn't delivered on first day. If by any chance update can't be up before 23:59 Wednesday, I will post a story in Insta and tweet about it as well)

https://youtu.be/aD0G39jvEu8

Anyway, completely unrelated to the story, since this is pride month, I want to know if you are supportive of LGBTQ+ community. To show you are an inclusive person, you can just drop an inline comment with any emoji.