( chapter xiv. THE BIG, GREEN MONSTER )

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She liked to think that if the day came where Angelina Johnson spoke to her again she would quip back with something great. She liked to think she would explode in her face and give her a taste of her own medicine, ignore her and continue with her life being yelling at the girl and saying how much she hated her before moving on with a smirk, not caring if Angelina was hurt because of it.

Calypso wanted to think that she could hurt someone she used to care about so much. She wanted to think that she could just go on with her life without them, burn down the bridges that burned her and create a better version of herself in the process. She liked to think that – wanted to. Because that was the strong path, that was the way of moving on and loving yourself, that was the path of not accepting yourself to be comparable to dirt. That was the path where she wasn't letting herself constantly be stepped on, that was the brave way.

Moving on, having the bravery to say goodbye and courage to face a new day, a new sun, was something Calypso wanted to have. It had to be the reason she was placed in Gryffindor. She was supposed to be brave. She was probably supposed to be whining over the fact that she wasn't old enough to put her name in the goblet of fire like Fred and George Weasley. She was probably supposed to not be afraid of it, she was probably supposed to want to face all the challenges that the Tri-Wizard tournament came with, but she didn't. She didn't want to enter the tournament and potentially risk her life and die.

And she felt like such a fucking coward for it. Because Gryffindors weren't supposed to be afraid, they were the house of bravery. She was supposed to be brave because she was a Gryffindor and they were lions and they had so much courage and be brave enough to do anything. Anything. She was supposed to be brave because her parents were, they've always been so brave. Remelda, at the age of seventeen, had enough courage to leave her parents, be disowned, and start her new life. Her Uncle Sirius before that. Her Uncle Regulus had enough courage to steal something (the details were still murky because that was one thing Remelda refused to tell her daughter) from Voldemort and fake his death because of it at age sixteen – sixteen! She would sixteen next year and she wasn't even half as brave as her uncle and she should be.

And her father was a part of the Order, he was brave when faced against those who hated him because of something he had no control over – they hated him because he was a werewolf. He was brave enough to leave his mother when their marriage wasn't working and he didn't love her anymore, at least not in the way you would be with the one you're married to. And her mother was brave enough to let him go even though it hurt.

So she was supposed to be brave. As the byproduct of two very brave people, she was supposed to be. But before her mother was a long line of cowards. Probably. So while her parents were brave, her ancestors probably were not and Calypso was just like them. She wasn't brave. At all. At least, she didn't feel brave.

Like, yeah, maybe sneaking food to her uncle would be considered brave. Maybe keeping a secret from her mother (her mother!!!), possibly the scariest woman on earth, was brave. And, if you asked Dumbledore, standing up against her friends, putting her foot down and saying she wouldn't be treated as poorly as they treated her was brave. But right then, she didn't feel brave.

She didn't feel like a lot of things.

Because she didn't have the bravery to tell off Angelina. She didn't. Even though Angelina had torn her heart out of her chest and held it out the girl with a wicked smile, she still couldn't bring herself to hurt the girl. And it happened Tuesday night after they arrived back at school.

Calypso and Birdie were in the courtyard when it was around eight, dinner had finished back thirty minutes ago and the two were playing wizard chess no matter how much the Black girl despised it. "I just don't get how you're so good at this," Calypso gave a backhand compliment to her friend.

"My dad and I play it a lot. He taught me everything I knew," Birdie said, commanding a piece to move which beheaded one of Calypso's own, "Your turn."

"Fuck you, Ramona," Calypso said before commanding her own piece to move. It did nothing to hinder Birdie.

But the Bishop girl gasped and placed her hand on her heart in mock heart. "How dare you use that name in front of me! It is 'fuck you, Birdie'!"

She rolled her eyes, "Sorry. Fuck you, Birdie."

"Thank you. And fuck you too, Callie," Birdie snickered at the burning glare Calypso gave her at the nickname.

"I will literally track down my uncle and make him murder you," Calypso threatened even though it wasn't true. Like Sirius would murder her, a teenager with no affiliation to Peter Pettigrew, the only man he had an interest in murdering. Especially now, probably.

Birdie snorted, "No you won't. You only have, like, two friends now and if you kill me then you'll be left with Lee."

"You're right, sorry. As much as I love Lee, he's not exactly best friend material to me," Calypso said, almost ashamed at herself for uttering those words. They were hurtful and Lee, if he heard, would probably cry. At least, he'd be hurt.

Because Calypso didn't think he was a best friend to anyone. While he probably had one (one of the Weasley twins most likely) it probably wasn't likely that it was reciprocated. Lee hung around people who favored others before him and Calypso didn't know what that was like, not really. Even when she was friends with Angelina and Cho and it was obvious that Birdie was her best friend, she didn't leave them out. And Cho and Angelina were better friends but Birdie was never hurt by it and that could be the case for Lee. But there was also the difference that Calypso's best friend reciprocated that while Lee didn't have that person. At least, she didn't think so. And so, she was really regretting what she said because that was way too hurtful and she didn't want to hurt anyone. It was becoming quite the problem actually.

Birdie threw her head back in laughter though, "True. But I don't know, you were getting kinda close to Sloane on the train ride over here. What's she like, by the way."

Calypso shrugged, "Nice. I mean, she's a bit awkward and probably really quiet, but she's nice. And really surprised I wasn't prefect."

"Ugh, prefects," Birdie rolled her eyes even though she was one, "It's terrible. I hate it so much and wished that I could write a letter saying that I didn't want to be one. Sadly, once you're placed with the 'honorary' title, you're stuck with it."

"How terrible," Calypso sarcastically said. Birdie agreed with the statement enthusiastically still.

And Calypso didn't see the figure coming up from behind her, but Birdie did and stiffened. "What are you doing here, Angelina?" she asked with hostility.

Calypso turned around quickly to see that Angelina Johnson was walking towards them. She was sure that Birdie was still talking to them but her cool tone towards the girl was making her reconsider that a bit. Which was weird because she couldn't be so cold. Angelina hadn't hurt her, only Calypso. Besides, it was fine now. She was over it. She was fifteen now and didn't have the time to mope over her friend ignoring her. She was. At least, that's what she told herself.

"Hi," Angelina said shyly, offering a smile, nervous smile, "Can I talk to Calypso alone for a moment? It's important."

Birdie looked at Calypso, eyes reading a very prominent 'don't do it' but she was never one to listen to anyone's advice before. Especially not Birdie with her "Angelina just needs time" bullshit from last year. So, Calypso looked back at Johnson girl and nod, adding a, "Sure," before standing up, ignoring the silent protests of Birdie.

She probably should've said no. She probably should've ignored the girl right back. But she wanted to talk to the girl alone, somewhere with a locked door so that she could yell at the girl. There were so many things she wanted to yell at Angelina so that she would understand what she had done to the girl. Too many things.

The two walked until they were in their own corridor with a great chance of no one walking in and interrupting them. "So, um, I wanted to say that I'm sorry. For everything," Angelina started, still looking nervous.

Calypso raised an eyebrow, "You have to be more specific, Angelina."

Ouch. She knew that one would hurt because it was always Angie. Always. It was never Angelina unless she had done something terrible stupid or Calypso was mad at her, which she was. Calypso was fucking angry at her. No, she was furious, livid.

Angelina sighed, "For ignoring you. For ignoring you for such a long time and everything and, God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for yelling at you on Halloween and I'm sorry for ignoring you and expecting that you'd be okay with it later and-and everything."

It almost broke her heart to see the girl like this. Almost. Calypso stood tall with her head held high like her mother always said. She wouldn't allow this to break her heart after everything and would never admit that it did crack her heart. It did. Because here was this girl she considered one of her greatest friends almost breaking down to her with tears forming in her eyes and Calypso stood there with a stoic expression. She would not be dirt, she would not allow herself to become what was on the bottom of Angelina's foot. She was better than that.

"You hurt me," Calypso said in a low, trembling voice, "You left me behind and I blamed myself because I thought it was all my fault. If I hadn't been myself, if I hadn't done what regular people do at parties, we would've never stopped talking. And you continued to ignore and everyone seemed fine with it, like it should just be a reguluar thing and I should get over it. But I couldn't – I can't. You made me feel like shit and no one understood that, they all just thought I was being overdramatic."

"And I'm sorry! I never meant for you to be hurt like that because of me, the last thing I want is to hurt you. You were my friend and I want to be your friend again and I didn't want you to feel like shit and I didn't want other people to tell you to get over it," Angelina said sincerely, eyes burning into Calypso so that she would see how honest she was being.

Calypso shook her head, "But that wasn't the worst part. I could handle that, I could handle giving you time if I knew why. All I wanted to know was why you needed time, why you needed to ignore me. But I never got that. I got excuses from Birdie, I got silence from you. You told me to leave you alone, Angelina. You told me to leave and that hurt. That really hurt. Because I could handle it coming from Birdie because it wasn't her saying that to me, it was her speaking for you. But when you said that to my face...no. I was done."

I couldn't let myself continued to be dirt, she didn't add. Angelina looked like she was breaking. "I want to tell you," and Calypso could sense what was coming next, "But I'm scared. I'm scared and I don't want you to hate me, I never did."

"Well, too bad, because I already do," Calypso lied. She could never hate Angelina; she didn't think she could hate another human being besides Peter Pettigrew. Like, yeah, Voldemort was bad but she didn't have a burning hatred, he didn't take away her family. That being said, she did strongly dislike him.

"Calypso..." Angelina let out a pathetic whimper, so close to tears then. Her heart wanted to break so badly.

"You say you wanna be my friend again, that's fine. I can let you back in, we can be friends again in the future. But I can't let that happen if you don't tell me," Calypso said, "I can't let myself get hurt again because of this stupid, little secret you have."

Maybe that was a bit harsh. It was. She was being overdramatic because she wanted Angelina to know she was being serious. She wouldn't let herself be hurt again, she couldn't allow that to happen as she thought back to the pain it had caused her the first time. She remembered crying into Birdie's arms, holding onto her as if grasping on for dear life, grasping onto her anchor.

"I...I..." Angelina tried but nothing came out. Calypso huffed and turned back, going back to Birdie when the Johnson girl called out, "Wait! Come back!"

Calypso rolled her eyes to herself and turned around, crossing her arms and looking at her expectantly. "Well?"

"I..." Angelina gulped before stepping towards the girl, "I liked you. A lot. And when I saw you about to kiss that guy, I got really jealous and had to leave."

And she was shocked. Out of all the possibilities that Calypso could've imagined, Angelina liking her, being jealous, wasn't one of them. It seemed so farfetched, so out there it could never be possible. Holy fucking shit, really. "You...fancied me," Calypso repeated, looking for confirmation.

Angelina nodded, "That's why I ignored you, why I needed time. I thought if I had a couple weeks or something without you, my feelings would go away and I could get back to the friendship we had before. Before I started liking you. I never wanted to hurt you, but I also didn't want to keep hurting myself, because, God, Calypso...it hurt watching the girls tease you about Lee, teasing you about a possible relationship. And it hurt so much watching you get close with that guy and almost kiss him. It made me so jealous and I didn't want that anymore, I didn't want to scream at you anymore out of jealousy, so I thought a couple weeks away from you would help me out."

She was still so shocked, her mind repeating that Angelina fancied her. Everything that happened last year was because Angelina fancied her. Not because of any other reason, not because she was looking for an excuse to get away from being friends with Sirius Black's niece, but because she was jealous. Because she fancied Calypso Hope Black and wow...

"You like me, you fancied me. All of this because you fancied me?" Calypso asked, looking at Angelina who bowed her head and nodded in shame.

"I'm sorry," she uttered again. Wow...she fancied her. Angelina fancied her and Calypso didn't know how to feel about that.

"I'm sorry," and why the hell was she apologizing? She didn't have to apologize for anything, "I have to go."

"Calypso!" Angelina called after her but this time she didn't stop. She walked away with eyes wide thinking about it. Thinking about everything. Angelina liked her and didn't know how to feel about it. She wasn't disgusted, she wasn't appalled by the thought but dating her? She couldn't see herself doing that.

Her reaction probably would've been the same regardless of the silent months between them. She probably still would've walked away and thought that a relationship couldn't form between them because she really didn't see that happening. She didn't want to date anyone. She didn't exactly want to kiss anyone or do anything that romantic partners do. She didn't want that. And she wasn't attracted to Angelina. Wasn't that a big part about being in a relationship with someone? Being attracted to them?

Yeah, Angelina wasn't terrible. She was attractive, Calypso could admit that, but she wasn't attracted to her. She had never been attracted to anyone she ever met. She didn't look at celebrities – in wizard and muggle cultures together – and think that they were her sexual awakening. And she was fifteen – fifteen! Wasn't that supposed to have already happened? But no, it hadn't and she didn't find herself attracted to Angelina in the way one was supposed to be when dating them and therefore it wouldn't work on that aspect.

But there were plenty more beyond that, like the fact she couldn't trust Angelina. Not anymore. Maybe in time, if Angelina continued to talk to her and they became friends again, maybe she could trust the girl again. But not right then. She didn't trust the girl right then and because of that she couldn't see herself being in a relationship with the girl.

By the time she reached Birdie who was still on the bench, she wasn't out of her state of shock. It was still there and very much apparent as the Bishop girl gave her a concerned look. "Are you alright? What happened? Cal?"

"She said she fancied me," Calypso breathed out, only then meeting Birdie's eyes, "Last year. She said she fancied me."

Birdie leaned back and looked at her friend. "I know. That's why I couldn't tell you. Because me telling you outed her and I didn't have the right to do that even though I wanted to because you didn't need to be so hurt by that."

"She...she fancied me and she ignored me so that she wouldn't anymore," Calypso said, still not believing the words she uttered, "And I don't want to be with her."

"That's alright," Birdie said quickly, "You don't have to be. She doesn't even like you anymore and you being straight is totally okay. It's okay, Cal."

Calypso shook her head, "No, you don't understand. I-I'm not attracted to her and I've never been attracted to anyone. Not even Viktor Krum when you asked me about him at the World Cup this summer. Birdie, I've never been attracted to anyone in my life or thought anyone was hot. I've never looked at someone and wanted to be with them or jump their bones like you. I think – I think there's something wrong with me."

hi. so I've been lacking inspiration for this a bit and I think it's because of the lack of response from you guys. I don't mean to sound rude or anything, but I've been getting feedback recently on my other works and it's really encouraging and then I come back here and there's nothing from you guys. that's why now I'm saying that in order for me to begin writing the next chapter, I need 2 comments on this one. this may seem rude, but I really think this'll help me continue writing this and it's not forever. I love you guys 💜