The next day, as discussed at dinner between Pepper and myself, I woke up nice and early. Well, it was more like I actually got up from bed earlier than the rest of the Avengers, I had already been awake since about 3 am, tossing and turning as I pushed back the memories that I liked to resurface at night.

Bucky was already awake, as suspected, when I walked downstairs in a thick white woollen sweater and grey tracksuit pants. He was sitting on the couch, listening to music, a new thing he had discovered to help him relax after nightmares. I had tried it once, but it made everything a little too overwhelming.

Pepper was already waiting for me in the kitchen, ingredients scattered all around the bench for all of the Christmas meals and desserts that she wanted to trial. I found cooking therapeutic, so when she had asked for my help last night, I didn't hesitate to agree.

"Morning Emily." She smiled at me, her smile feeling like she was wrapping me in a big hug. "Are you ready? I have a couple of things that I just want to test out before the actual day.

A couple, it turns out, was quite an understatement. We trialed almost every imaginable sweet and savoury foods. But it wasn't a bad thing, there was quiet Christmas music playing while the other Avengers slept. I wasn't complaining, I loved cooking with Pepper, and even Bucky joined in a couple of times, but went on a run with Steve when he woke up.

As the sun began to rise, so did the Avengers, at all different times, and we had to put the Christmas cooking on hold to make some waffles for breakfast.

Once everyone was full of waffles, Pepper and I got back to cooking, with the help of Wanda this time as well, as everyone continued the final preparations for Christmas. At one point, Tony had to drag Wanda away to help her bring a pool table into the lounge room, because he had broken parts of his suit doing something stupid, according to Pepper.

The only problem that we faced the whole time while we were cooking (apart from me completely failing on the first pavlova, and then the seconds and also the third), was that once everyone had finished helping set up everything, they all kind of just hung around the lounge room watching TV and stealing all of our cooking.

"Clint seriously." I grumbled, shooing his hand away as he tried yet again to snag a piece of the gingerbread that Pepper was making while her back was turned. "Go find something else to eat. You're as bad as Thor." He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately glared at him. "And that isn't a compliment."

"It's always a compliment." Came Thor's booming voice as he swaggered past the bench and grabbed the exact piece of ginger bread that Clint had been trying to take.

"Thor!" I yelled at him as he sat down on the couch heavily. "We need that!"

He just grinned at me and ate the whole piece in one mouthful. I rolled my eyes and went back to chopping up strawberries for my fourth attempt of a pavlova, only to see another hand dart towards the chopping board and grab a handful of blueberries. I immediately looked up and saw Tony walking away with a handful of blueberries.

"Loki!" I yelled out, beginning to get annoyed, not helped by the fact that I didn't have enough sleep. I looked over at Loki to see him sitting on the couch with his nose in another book. "Can you create a shield or something, please? We are going to have no food soon."

He looked up at me, a smile playing on his lips as he waved his hand and covering the whole kitchen in a green bubble. He also seemed to take a lot of pleasure in knocking Clint of a stool as he put up the shield. Clint swore quite colourfully, causing Tony to yell at him, and Clint picked up at knife from the kitchen bench, hurling it in Loki's direction. Thankfully, Loki threw out a shield before it could do any damage.

"No fighting before Christmas." Nat smacked Clint across the head as she walked past.

Clint stuck is tongue out at her and Steve chose that moment to walk downstairs, giving Clint a disapproving look. Unable to see the now invisible shield around the whole kitchen, he reached out to grab an apple from the fruit bow. As soon as his hand came into contact with the shield, his whole body went flying backwards, straight into the back of the couch. The force of his body sent the whole couch tipping onto the floor, including Bruce and Tony who had been sitting on it and watching a movie. Loki made the wise decision to teleport out of there.

We stopped against for lunch, which thankfully was already provided by all of the trial cooking we had done so far. We kept all of the presentable ones and put all of the other kind of rough ones out on the table. Half of it didn't even get finished, but everyone loved it.

Before Pepper could rope me back into cooking, Steve told me that he wanted to start training before I began to feel too fired in the day. I changed into my HYDRA clothes, which were the only ones that fit me properly for training. I reluctantly walked down to the training block, slowly opening the doors to see Steve standing in the middle of the room.

"Is Bucky not coming down it as well?" I asked curiously, looking around the empty training room, which felt massive when none of the other Avengers were in there.

"I feel like you might benefit better with a one-on-one." Steve smiled comfortingly. "Less distractions for you."

"Shouldn't we at least have Loki down here?" I asked, a little nervous now. "For when I get hurt?"

"It's me, Emily." His smile didn't falter. "I'm not HYDRA. I'm not going to hurt you in training to the point where you could be killed."

"Sorry." I replied, somewhat sheepish. "It's hard to get out of the habit of it all."

"It's okay." He said comfortingly. "Come on, we'll start with something easy. Let me grab a pair of gloves and we can practice your punching okay? How about you start to tape up your hands."

I nodded and walked over to the lockers, grabbing some white tape and beginning to wrap up my hands, the action so familiar it was comforting. I turned back around and found Steve pulling on a pair of gloves, smiling at me still.

"Just go slow, okay?" He said. "This is just going to be a warm up, I don't want you to pull a muscle."

I nodded and took a deep breath, shaking out my arms as I flexed my hands in the tape. I held my hands up to my chest, keeping my eyes focused on his gloved hands and nothing else. I punched a couple of times, just trying to get use to the movements again.

"Try a little harder." Steve encouraged. "I can barely feel anything."

"You are a super soldier." I swallowed thickly, trying to punch a little harder.

"I've also seen you fight before, and I know you can punch harder." Steve chuckled. "Come on, I promise you won't hurt me."

I tightened my fists even more and punched harder into the gloves, feeling a little satisfaction as I saw Steve brace himself with his feet. I felt the fire beginning to burn through my veins and I tried to hold it back, only a couple of sparks breaking free.

"That's better." Steve grinned, pulling back eventually. "Now, how about we try something a little more, now that you're warmed up. How does proper hand-to-hand combat sound? Nothing extreme though."

I nodded and watched as he took off his gloves, quickly taping up his hands as I grabbed a quick drink from the cold water fountain before meeting him in the middle of the room again.

"You make first move." He offered. "Pretend I'm an attacker or something."

I nodded and let out a sharp breath before I threw a punch at his face, causing him block it with ease. However, I was anticipating it and I aimed a blow at his now exposed ribs. He saw it coming and twisted to the side, his hand still gripping my wrist and pulling me along with him. I stumbled back a couple of steps and let my fire flare out of instinct. Immediately, he let go of me, his hand all puffy and red.

"Sorry." I immediately backed away a couple of steps, clutching my hands to my chest as I cooled them back down.

"No, that's exactly what I wanted." He shook his head, still smiling at me. "You need to stop holding back, I know you can do more. You're not going to hold back if you get attacked at the party, are you? Come on, go again."

"I can't." I shook my head, looking down. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Okay." Steve sighed, and for a moment I thought he was mad at me, but he gave me a soft smile. "How about we try something different. I'm going to come at you, and I want you to defend yourself, okay?"

I nodded and took a deep breath, barely getting a second to prepare myself before he was suddenly coming at me. Something inside me clicked and I suddenly fell back into the rhythm of my training at HYDRA with each blow Steve sent at me. I spun and ducked and kicked with ease, my breathing staying even and my fire finally obeying me, staying under my skin.

The way I moved almost felt comforting, it was something familiar, something I could almost control, unlike the rest of my life. Steve much have noticed my change in behaviour because he pushed me even further. His punches became quicker and harder to avoid, although they didn't hurt when they landed. I struggled to find a weakness on him somewhere, I wasn't use to combat with him, only Bucky, so I didn't know what to exploit.

"Why... have... you... been... going easy on me?" I was beginning to pant as I tried to block each of his blows.

"I wanted you to feel comfortable and reveal your actual strength." He grinned, the brief moment of talking causing me to loose a vital bit of concentration and I stumbled back to avoid a kick.

He was slowly forcing me backwards, but only because I was shocked by his strength and I was already exhausted. I tried to keep my movements from becoming sluggish, but I could feel the aching in my arms and legs that I hadn't felt since HYDRA.

He managed to hook his foot around the back of my knee, pulling his leg forward and causing my legs to buckle from under me. I just managed to get my hands out in front of me just before I slammed my face onto the training floor, but I wasn't saved from the biting pain in my knees and wrists. He pushed me backwards with his foot and held his hand to my throat, not even putting any pressure on my windpipe.

"That was impressive." He grinned.

Pain continued to prick my knees and hands and I could feel the skin of his palm on my neck as I gasp for air, finally having a moment to stop. I saw an opportunity to kick him away from me and resume the fight, but just as I raised my leg to kick my wrist, he shifted his body so one of his legs was pinning me down.

"Don't even think about trying to get away." He chuckled, but I couldn't hear the humor, my heartbeat beginning to ring in my ears.

The familiarity of the movement and words immediately transported me back to my room at HYDRA with one of the male agents above me. I desperately tried to squirm free, but their chuckles just sounded all around me. Fingers pressed against my neck and I could feel a lump beginning to form, blocking any air from getting into my lungs. The ringing in my ears intensified and I could feel my heart threatening to burst free.

"Emily!" A voice urgently cut through the panic. "Hey, look at me! Emily!"

As I was roughly dumped back in the present, I was aware that my eyes were darting around the room so quickly it was making me dizzy. I tried to focus on the blurry figure above me, but they were right there, they were on top of me, fingers pressing to my throat, pinning me to the floor.

I needed to get free. I needed to run. I needed to get away.

"Hey, hey, its okay, I'm letting you go." The voice spoke back like it had heard my words.

I didn't wait to think if I had accidentally spoken them out loud, scrambling away from the male figure as soon as they let go of me. My palms burned from the rough carpet I was on as I moved backwards. My back hit a wall and my blunt fingernails dug into the carpet as my breath heaved with each gasp, my body shaking as I tried to get rid of the ringing in my head.

"Emily, focus on my voice." Someone spoke through it, so familiar but I couldn't place it not with all of the thoughts running around my head.

"I want you to describe how your heart feels." The voice was soothing and calm.

"I-It's fast." My voice shook with every word. "And it hurts."

"How does your breathing feel?" The same voice asked as I struggled to bring myself out of the memories.

"Also fast." I practically whimpered. "I can barely breathe."

"What do you feel under your fingers?" The voice asked and I turned my attention to my hands, trying to answer the calm voice.

"Carpet." I replied.

"How does the carpet feel?" The voice pressed.

"Its rough." I replied. "And coarse. It... it feels like its fraying as well." I ran my shaky fingertips over the top of the carpet.

"That's good." The voice said and I felt pride bloom in my chest, although it was quickly swallowed up by the panic. "Now, what can you hear?"

"Your voice?" I said somewhat uncertainly, unable to hear anything over the ringing in my ears. "And my heartbeat."

"Now open your eyes." The voice guided and I slowly opened my eyes, not even remembering closing them. "What can you see?"

"Steve?" My voice wobbled again as my blurry vision managed to piece together the kneeling figure of Steve, his face calm, but his eyes full of concern.

"That's right." His face broke out into a smile, a relieved one. "Now, what's your name?"

"Emily." I said slowly, still running my finger tips through the carpet, the roughness of it against my skin somehow grounding.

"And where are you?" He asked and my eyes darted around.

"The training room at the compound." I replied, looking back at him.

"And how does your heart feel now?" He went back to the first question.

"Much slower" I realized, blinking slowly as I felt my heart no longer banging against my rib cage.

"And your breathing?" He asked.

"Mostly normal." I couldn't help but break out into a small, shocked smile. "How... how did you do that?"

"I've done it before with Bucky." He replied, seeming to breathe out a sigh of relief. "When he use to get panic attacks from his first time at HYDRA. It's a kind of grounding exercise, it helps to bring you out of your memories and focus on what it actually going around you."

"Thank you." I breathed out heavily, smiling weakly as I rested my head against the wall I had been backed up against.

"Are you okay?" He asked, his eyes glittering with concern again. "That came out of nowhere. What triggered it?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I shook my head, swallowing thickly at the memories.

"Emily." He knelt down to my height more. "Its not good for you to keep this all bundled up inside you. It is safe for you to tell me. Please, trust me."

I looked up at him and stared at his eyes filled with genuine concern, knowing that he was right.

"They did something to me at HYDRA." I whispered, looking away and drawing my knees up to my chest in comfort. "They tried to create more like me, more with my genetics. Not through experiments but... but naturally." My voice wobbled on the last word.

"Can I hug you?" Steve simply asked and, not being able to get another word out through the lump in my throat, I nodded.

His warm body immediately wrapped me up in a cocoon and I couldn't help but fall into it.

"Please don't tell anyone." I sniffled, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I'm... I'm not ready yet."

"I won't." He shook his head, holding me gently. "I promise." 

AN: 

Sorry for the big chapter, I kind of got a bit carried away with it! But I hope y'all like it. Don't forget to vote and comment and share!