WARNING: Talks of 18+ topics

"Did he trigger anything?" Loki's tone tensed a little. "Does HYDRA know of the break in?"

My whole body locked up as I heard HYDRA's name and I immediately dropped my hand from the handle. I knew it was very rude to be listening into conversations, but if it was anything to do with HYDRA, it was kind of related to me.

"They haven't shown any indication." Thor replied. "Tony is the best there is. He will be able to find Emily's base."

"I know." Loki sighed.

There was a pause for a couple of seconds, my heart pounding in my chest.

"Have you told her yet?" Thor's voice was softer.

"No." Loki's voice turned sharper. "Stop nagging me. I know I have to, but... I just can't."

My heart dropped at the words. Loki was keeping something from me? Was it about HYDRA? Or was it about something else? That pause between conversations could have meant that they changed topics. I tried to believe that he would have a good reason for keeping something from me, but it also felt... wrong in a way. He knew basically everything about me and now he was keeping something from me. I knew I shouldn't feel like this, everyone had every right to keep their own secrets, but between me and Loki, it felt... wrong.

"She deserves to know." Thor pushed. "And you want her to find out the right way. We don't want to hurt her. Especially you."

My stomach soured at the implication of me being hurt. Maybe this secret wasn't such a good one to keep then, if it was possibly going to hurt me. Then why would he keep it from me? Surely he wouldn't want me hurt...

"I know." Loki repeated again. "But I can't."

I took a deep breath, wanting to make this easier for him but also get it off my mind before the worry spiraled any more.

"Tell me what?" I hated how soft my voice came out, like I was timid and scared.

"Darling, what are you doing awake?" I didn't miss how startled Loki looked.

"Tell me what?" I repeated again, Thor shifting nervously in the corner of my eye.

"Darling." He sighed, shooting a look to Thor before he turned back to me. "Look, how about we go back into the room and we can talk about it, okay?"

"Okay." I replied after a moment's hesitation, looking back up at Thor and managing a weak smile. "Nice to see you again."

He dipped his head and offered me a small smile back, but I could see the worry in his eyes and I hated how it made my stomach churn. I walked back to our room and after a couple of moments, Loki followed behind. The door clicked shut behind him and I moved into the middle of the room before I slowly turned around and looked at him.

"The Avengers are planning an attack on HYDRA while you're away." He said it almost as immediately as our eyes connected. "I haven't told you because I didn't want to worry you."

The subtle hint of anger that had been churning in my stomach quickly disappeared as my heart lost its grip in my chest and plummeted to the ground. I could feel my throat tightened as fear completely swamped me.

"What?" I breathed, my eyes widening. "No. No they can't. Not against HYDRA. They'll get themselves killed. They can't."

"Em, they're the Avengers." He stepped forward instantly to soothe me, taking my trembling hands in his and gently rubbing his thumb over them. "They are more than capable."

"HYDRA is worse than any of you know." I shook my head rapidly, pulling my hands away and clutching them to my chest. "They can't defeat them. HYDRA will kill them all. I know it." I paused and slowly looked up at him again. "Wait... is this why you wanted me to come to Asgard? So everyone could go behind my back and launch an attack on HYDRA?"

"We're not going behind your back." He shook his head, watching me from a careful distance. "We didn't tell you because we didn't want you to worry. Yes, the plan may have had some hand to play in you coming here to Asgard, but I also knew that you couldn't stay at the compound. You would worry yourself too much and it wouldn't be good for you."

"And for a good reason!" I pointed out, my tone leaping up in volume. "They're going to get themselves killed! You should be there with them, you're the only one who possibly has a chance of getting them all out of there safe!"

"I wanted to be here to look after you." He shook his head again.

"I don't need constant looking after!" I snapped, the sound causing his eyes to widen in shock, and it surprised me too but I knew that it was too late to go back now and all of the words were tumbling out of me. "I'm sick of always being the one who brings the team down. Everyone is treating me like I'm made of glass, like the one small thing will cause me to break! I'm sick of everyone just constantly having to worry about me and look out for me and completely ignoring their safety just because of me! I hate it! I just want to be normal like everyone else, I want to go into fights without everyone fretting over the smallest drop of blood. I want to be a contributing part of the team. I want to actually be able to go outside for fucks sake without everyone thinking that something is going to swoop in and get me, and even though it probably will, I just want everyone to maybe act like I'm a normal human being and not some traumatised doll!"

"Emily." His voice wavered, only faintly enough that I noticed when I paid attention. "You don't bring the team down. Not at all. You've actually made it a much better place since you arrived, you've basically brought everyone together. They all love you so much and that's why they look out for you. They know that you might struggle with some things and they just want to help you through that as much as they possibly can; that doesn't mean they worry at the sight of your blood or similar. They love you and want to look after you."

"They worry too much." I repeated, wrapping my arms around myself. "Literally every single day is revolved around me in some shape or forms. And I know it has to be annoying them that they always have to watch what they are doing just to make sure I'm okay with it. I just wish I wasn't so much of a handful for everyone, and maybe that would help them to stop fussing over me so much."

"You're not annoying darling." He gently reached out to rub my arms. "Not at all. You-".

"You're just saying that." I could feel tears burning in my eyes, hating that this was happening now, but I knew it was going to have to happen at some point. "You of all people should know how much of a handful I am. You're always doing everything for me. And it is nice, but I just want to be normal and be able to give that back to you too. I just want to be equal to you and everyone else."

"You are equal to me." His eyes tried to catch mine but I kept them down. "You give me more than I could ever wish for. Em, you are the best thing that has happened to me and I - ".

"I could barely kiss you a couple of months ago Loki." I interrupted, one tear rolling down my cheek and I roughly scrubbed it away. "I knew how much you wanted to kiss me, but I was so messed up that I couldn't. There is no way I'm giving you anything except my company, which is way over the top and too much to deal with. I still can't even initiate things myself. Do you realise how messed up that is? That I always have to wait for you to do something because I'm too scared to do it myself? It's the most one-sided relationship, or whatever this is, and I hate it. I can't be a normal person for you Loki. I can't be your girlfriend, I can't be a partner, I can't be anything because I'm so fucking messed up! You want things you have every right to want in a relationship, but I can't give it to you and I hate it! What kind of relationship is one where one person trembles from a kiss? Where one person freezes from a hand on their back? Where one person could barely stomach sharing a bed with the other less than a month ago? And that wasn't even in a sexual way! And that's a whole other new problem, I'm never going to be able to give you sex. That's literally the whole basis of a romantic relationship and I can't give it to you. I can't give you that happiness and pleasure. That means that I can't even give you kids! I can't even give you a family and that's so fucked up. Any normal person, any normal woman would be able to give you that, but I can't and I hate it. So in no way are we equal. In no way do I give you more than what you can wish for. I give you nothing."

I took in a deep shuddering breath, the tumbling of words leaving me breathless.

"I know that's not the way a relationship is supposed to go." I murmured, my voice quieting down. "And I know it's in no way satisfying for you. And I know you want out, and that's okay." I tightened my arms around myself. "I'm okay with you wanting to leave. I've been thinking about it over the last couple of days and I need to stop being selfish, again, and just let you go find someone normal."

I swallowed thickly and let silence fill the room.