A chill drifted down my spine as I slowly stepped into the Lab. It always happened when I started at the clean white walls and I hated the nausious churning feel it created in my stomach. My chest tightened slightly, but I didn't let it overwhelm me as I focused on putting one foot in front of the other as I stared at Bruce's back, Bucky's footsteps echoing behind me.

Bruce keyed in a code to the door and it swung open with a beep, the action too familiar and sending another chill through me that threatened to turn my legs to lead. Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself that this wasn't HYDRA and slowly followed Bruce forward.

My eyes instantly fell on Loki's body. He was completely still in the bed, his skin looking colder and more pale than normal. His lips, which were softly parted for his quiet breaths, were void of any colour and dry. A sheet was drawn up to his chest and his hair was scattered over the pillow.

"Em." Bucky murmured from behind me and I realised that I had stopped walking.

I slowly took a step forward, my heart thudding painfully in my chest, but my knees buckled under me. Bucky swore under his breath and hurriedly grabbed me around my waist as a weak sob slipped past my lips.

"Its better than it looks." Bruce tried to soothe me. "It's just because he hasn't been moving around a lot so he isn't getting much blood circulation."

"He should be awake." I fought to hold back the tears that were lining my eyes as I lent against Bucky. "He has magic. He should be able to heal himself."

"He should." Bruce admitted somewhat reluctantly. "I tested what I could of the bullets and they held the faintest hint of poison, enough to probably knock someone like you out for a fair time, but with his advanced physiology it should only be a couple of days, maximum."

I dragged my eyes back to Loki, roughly scrubbing away my tears as I shoved down the emotions. I wouldn't cry, not when he was in a worse off position then me. This wasn't about me. I slowly pushed away from Bucky and moved towards the edge of the bed, probably looking like a newborn foal trying to walk. I sunk down into the chair next to it, my hands trembling softly as I slowly reached out to thread my hand through his limp ones.

"We'll be outside if you need us." Bruce murmured, breaking through the silence and I looked up for a moment to see him gently nudging Bucky out, who seemed determine not to leave but eventually gave in and the door clicked shut behind them.

I looked back over at Loki and squeezed my eyes shut tightly as my nail unintentionally dug into his skin, a strangled sob escaping my lips as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I brought his hand up to my lips and I gently kissed his knuckle which was quickly dampened with my tears.

"I'm sorry Loki." My words were shaky and uneven. "I'm so sorry."

I squeezed my eyes shut even more and grasped his hand with both of my hands, trying not to look at the faint nail marks now patterning his skin. The beeping from his monitors rung in my ears, an almost taunting sound. I felt like I couldn't breathe, the sobs wracking my whole body as the whole world spun around me. I wanted to let go of his hand, he shouldn't be close to me when I was this emotional. I didn't want to loose control of the tumbling fire in my stomach and hurt him even more. But I was being selfish, so horribly selfish, and I couldn't let go of him. I didn't want too. I had to keep him close, just to know that he was okay.

"Em." A voice echoed and my head shot up, another twisted sound slipping past my lips.

My eyes darted straight to his face as I hurriedly blinked away the tears, but he was still in the same state. I cursed my head for hallucinating such a thing and I carefully put his hand back down, grabbing a handful of tissue from the box nearby to wipe away the tears and snot streaming down his face. I used a clean one to wipe his damp knuckles and threw them in the bin before I sat back down, on the edge of the bed this time. I shakily reached out carefully moved some of his hair out of his face, readjusting the pillow under his head before I sighed softly.

"Bruce thinks that you're still active in your head." I murmured, my words quiet at first. "I don't know if its true, but if you are, I want you to know I'm sorry. I never wanted you to get hurt, not because of me. I know you would say that you don't care, but I do. I can't stand seeing you like this, its horrible."

I sniffled, wiping my nose on the back of my hand as I stared down at his limp fingers.

"I'm being selfish, I know I am." I whispered. "But I want you awake again. I need you awake again. I don't care if you want to have time away from me afterwards or anything like that but... I just need you to be okay. Please."

I don't know why I expected anything but silence. The machines kept beeping and he kept breathing quietly. Wiping away my tears, I carefully moved his arm away from his side and I slowly laid down next to him, my back pressed up against his side as I hugged his arm close. My heart thudded painfully and I squeezed my eyes shut again, feeling his stomach rise and fall against my back.

"Please." I sniffled, squeezing his arm tighter. "Come back."

-{+}-

I must have fallen asleep at some point, because I was gently being nudged what felt like barely a second later. My eyes shot open, hope sparking in my chest, but it instantly faded when I saw that it was Bucky crouched down at the edge of the bed.

"Hey." He murmured softly, eyes holding a faint hint of sympathy. "I'm sorry but its time for dinner."

"I'm not hungry." I shook my head, twisting slightly to look at Loki.

He was still asleep, but his other arm was draped around my stomach, weakly holding me close to him. The hope pitifully sparked in my chest again and my heart stuttered.

"You have to eat Em." Bucky pulled my eyes back to him. "Even if it is only something small. You can't stay here anyway, your body will be horribly sore tomorrow."

"I don't want to leave him." I admitted softly, cheeks hitting as I slowly registed what I said.

"You can come back tomorrow morning." He said gently. "He will still be here." I still hesitated, my fingertips still resting on his arm. "Don't make you drag you out of there." He attempted to joke but I still stayed quiet.

I knew he was right, I should eat some food. Loki would want me to if he was awake. I twisted in his arms to look back up at his peaceful face and quietly sighed.

"Okay." I murmured, carefully lifting his arm up off me and shimmying off the bed.

I hated the sudden feeling of emptiness around me and I desperately wanted to curl up next to him again. Bucky must have realised because he carefully put his hand on my back and guided me out. My heart tugged in my chest to go back but I made myself keep going forward.

Dinner was painfully awkward, everyone kept looking at me every couple of seconds. They were talking about random things, clearly trying to distract the mood, but it was horribly obvious. I couldn't even look away from Loki's empty chair next to me, it always stayed in the corner of my vision. I didn't have an appetite, but I made sure to try and eat a couple of mouthfuls when Pepper tried to scoop more stuff onto my plate.

Laying in my bed was worse. I was just alone with my thoughts and there was nothing to distract me. At first, I let myself dwell in them, tears prickling my skin as they silently rolled down my cheeks. But as the night drew on, I knew I needed to get some sort of sleep or my emotions would be even worse in the morning. I tried to do the meditation that Frigga had taught me so long ago in Asgard, but that just caused my mind to focus too much on Loki. I padded down to the training rooms at around midnight, trying to see if I could work myself to exhaustion, but the emotions of the day made me much weaker then I expected and I laid on the carpeted floor after only one set of weights.

Eventually, I knew I only had one choice as I dragged myself back to the Compound. I stood outside of Wanda's room and gently knocked on her door before I waited with nervous silence. I heard rustling on the other side and a couple of moments later, Wanda appeared with half-lidded eyes, hair slightly ruffled.

"Emily?" Her eyes sharpened a little as she took in me standing there. "Is everything okay?"

"Can you help me sleep?" I hated how weak my voice sounded.

"Oh of course." Her face softened and she stepped out of her room, quietly shutting the door behind her. "Come on, lets get you settled in your room. It'll be easier that way."

I nodded and followed next to her as we walked across the hallway to my room. I shuffled back onto my bed, head falling back onto the pillows as I drew the sheets up to my chin. She sat down next to me on the bed, gently sweeping some of my hair out of my face.

"It'll be quick and easy." She murmured. "I don't have to go digging or anything, okay?"

I nodded, not caring at this point, and I closed my eyes as she gently touched my temple. I was only aware of a new presence in my mind for a second before everything suddenly became non-existent.