***Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts.***

Start the song. It's Too Small for Eyes by Mothers.

When Hoppus told Josh he had to leave for the night, Josh stared at the wall behind him instead of meeting the guard's eyes. He was still curled up into a ball on his bed, feeling just as depressed and lonely as he had before his mom had come to see him. Hoppus had apologized to Josh at least a million times, but Josh couldn't bring himself to reply. He was all alone now. He knew the next guard wasn't going to give a shit about him.

He was right about that. The new guard barely spoke to Josh, sitting outside the cell and monitoring him from a distance. He didn't really talk to Josh apart from occasionally asking him if he was feeling suicidal, which was pretty obviously the case.

Josh kept staring at the wall, feeling hollow. He didn't touch the tray of food that was given to him, not even sipping the water that was meant to replenish the fluids he'd lost during all of his panic attacks. What did it matter if he ate or drank when the real hole inside of him was incapable of being filled by food and water?

The day dragged on, and his mom didn't come back. She didn't call. No one did. Josh's only way to measure time was the changing of guards. He barely glanced at them when they switched out, simply going back to either staring at the ceiling or sleeping. That is, until the third guard of the day was replaced with one that he'd never seen before in solitary, one who probably couldn't even be in the solitary block for the most part. There was no way this guard would be allowed near that many touch-starved criminal men because she was the first female guard Josh had seen since juvie.

Her hair was long and blue, pulled back into a bun that couldn't be grabbed as easily by convicts as a ponytail or a braid could be-not that Josh would ever do that. He wasn't like that, which is probably why he was trusted to have her on the other side of the bars.

She seemed to notice his surprise, smiling with lips that were bubblegum pink even without lipstick as she rolled her hazel eyes. Her eyelashes were miles long, and her nose and cheeks were dusted with a sprinkle of freckles. It would be stupid to say that she was the most beautiful woman Josh had ever seen since he hadn't seen any women besides his mom, his therapist, and his sister within the past eight years, but she was still the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Naturally, he tried not to look at her.

"Go ahead and get your sexist comments in now. My best bet is that you'll run out by the end of my shift," she said in a raspy but warm voice.

"I'm good," Josh replied quietly, keeping his eyes on the ceiling above him to avoid staring at her.

The guard chuckled. "Not even one? You don't even want to ask me what's under my uniform or if my husband knows where I am?"

"No, I'm good," Josh repeated, still not looking at her.

He heard the scraping of the folding chair outside of his cell being dragged closer to the bars before she sat down. "I've heard a lot about you, Dun," she told him, her voice still warm. "You're a tough guy. It takes a special kind of person to get through all the shit you've been through and to never cause any trouble in here. You haven't been in any fights, assaulted any officers, or been caught with drugs or porn. Nothing. You're a model prisoner."

"Yeah, well, I've gotten used to it. It's habit now," Josh replied, his face flushing when he heard her laugh. His heart jumped in his chest, making him remember trying to impress girls in middle school. He couldn't do that here. He couldn't do that anywhere. He was twenty years old and in prison. He needed to have more composure than this. "I'm serious. This is all I know."

The guard hummed. "You've been in for a while, huh? Since you were thirteen. That's crazy. It seems a little extreme to give a little boy a life sentence."

Little boy. Josh wasn't a little boy anymore. Little boys were weak and defenceless. Josh wasn't like that. His old cellmate had thought he was weak and defenceless-a little boy. He wasn't though. He just knew he'd forfeit any chance of getting out of here if he fought back.

"I could get out on probation in June," he replied instead of defending himself.

"Yeah? That's awesome. I'd be willing to bet money that you get out early. You're too well-behaved not to. I can't really see you burning shit or hurting anybody on the outside when you behave this well on the inside," she reassured him.

"It's easier in here. There's structure. I know how prison works. I know how to be incarcerated. Who knows what I would do if I had the freedom to make my own choices?" Josh pointed out.

The guard hummed again. He glanced at her, finding that she was smiling. He looked back up at the ceiling hurriedly before he could blush again.

"I think you'd do better on the outside than you give yourself credit for. I've known plenty of criminals who went wild after they left prison, and you aren't like them. I've also known plenty of men who've never been to jail but would never give me half as much respect as you're giving me right now, and you won't even make eye contact with me." Those last few words were a challenge, but Josh didn't feel ready to meet it.

"Sounds like you need some better friends," he commented instead, still staring straight up above him.

The guard laughed, making him smile slightly. "Yeah, I do. I guess you'll have to let me know what you're up to in June."

"If I get out in June, I'm spending an entire year playing with my sister's cats and hugging my mom. I won't have time for friends," Josh informed her.

She laughed again. "Tell that to the judge, and you'll never even have to worry about probation. They'll just set you free to spread cheer and happiness around the world."

"Noted," Josh replied.

The guard was quiet for a moment. Josh wondered if she'd left the block for a moment, causing him to look over curiously. He met her gaze just as she unlocked his cell, and she smiled at him with bubblegum lips as she dragged her chair into the cell with him. She didn't sit beside him like Hoppus had, but she was close enough that the cell didn't feel so empty.

"I don't think suicide watch is going to help you much if you're still all alone," she explained, resting her boots atop the edge of his bed beside his calves and crossing her ankles. "Agree or disagree?"

"Agree," Josh replied quietly. "But you don't have to come in here if you don't-"

"I'm not scared of you. I have two brothers and plenty of training. I could kick your ass without breaking a sweat," she replied simply as she pulled a deck of cards out of her shirt pocket. "Are you scared of me?"

"A little," Josh replied honestly, making her smirk.

"Perfect," she replied confidently as she started to shuffle the cards in her hands. Her name tag said Frangipane. Josh didn't know how to pronounce that, so he decided he'd try to avoid saying it out loud. She smirked when she saw him reading the word. "It hasn't been updated since I got married, but my new last name is Gillum, which is much easier to pronounce than Frangipane."

Josh couldn't help but notice how she said her new last name like it was a curse word, like it burnt her tongue to say it. "You don't like your husband," he observed out loud without meaning to. His eyes widened then. "Sorry. I'm not used to talking to actual people. That was rude. I'm sorry."

Officer Gillum smiled slightly. "You're very perceptive. Frangipane it is then," she replied simply.

Josh let out a breath of relief. "Frangipane?" He repeated timidly, making sure he was saying it correctly.

She smiled again. "Nailed it," she encouraged, making him almost smile too. "That's a secret though, so you have to tell me a secret too to even it out. It's not really fair for you to have to lock up one of my secrets. You've got enough shit to deal with in here."

"I don't really have any secrets," Josh replied quietly.

Frangipane laughed. "Come on, now. Everyone has secrets. It doesn't have to be anything huge. What's something you've never told anyone, or something you want to tell someone but don't know how to tell them?"

Although Josh knew exactly what he wanted to say, he didn't know how to phrase it. "I don't know," he said hesitantly.

"Come on. I won't tell anyone. I'll lock it up nice and safe, and no one will ever have to know. Just you and me," she promised.

For some reason, the admission flew out of Josh's lips before he could swallow it down or perfect the way he said it: "Sometimes I wonder if it's possible to die from being alone for too long, and then I get afraid that it might be the slowest way to die."

Frangipane was quiet for a moment, studying his face silently. He avoided looking at her for a moment, feeling tears well up in his eyes. Shame budded inside of him then. This was humiliating. Had she asked that just to humiliate him? Was this intentional?

His thoughts were silenced when soft lips pressed against his forehead, lingering for just a moment before leaving. He looked at Frangipane in surprise, and she smiled at him sadly.

"Well, I'm here all day, so no loneliness today. Besides, I need better friends, and you've just been recruited," she told him warmly. "So here's the deal. We're going to play go fish because I don't know any actual card games, and then we're going to have a gross, mushy heart to heart about our feelings because that's what friends do."

"I don't know about that," Josh replied quietly.

The officer grinned. "Trust me. It'll be great. I'll tell you all about my dick of a husband, you can tell me about your sister's cats, and I'll find a way to make you smile for real. That little lip twitch thing isn't cutting it for me. I want a full-blown, all teeth on display, kind of smile from you, and I'm gonna get it," she insisted.

"I hate to break it to you, but I haven't smiled in eight years," Josh told her truthfully.

Frangipane tutted her disapproval. "That's unfortunate. Thankfully, I'm not easily intimidated, and I'm funny as hell. In fact, I'm willing to bet you a candy bar of your choosing that I can make you smile three times today."

"What am I supposed to give you if I lose?" Josh asked curiously, earning him a bright smile in return.

"Three smiles is all I ask," she replied easily. "You ready to play?"

Josh sighed, but sat up anyways. His muscles ached from fatigue and lack of use. If Frangipane noticed how tense he was, she kept it to herself. They made it through two rounds of go fish without Josh smiling once despite genuinely having fun and enjoying having someone to talk to.

The officer who brought Josh's lunch to his cell seemed surprised to find him and Officer Frangipane sitting comfortably so close to each other, Frangipane laughing at something Josh had said as she handed him two threes. Josh liked her laugh. It was the best sound he'd heard in years. The officer just set his food down beside him, giving him an intimidating look that told him not to get too attached to Frangipane before leaving the cell.

"He's an asshole," she told Josh calmly as soon as the officer was out of earshot. "Twos?" Josh handed over a two of diamonds while Frangipane continued. "He always makes gross comments about me. He probably would like to think that you're moving in on his territory."

"You're not his territory. You're a person," Josh replied simply. "Sixes?"

Frangipane smiled. "Go fish."

Josh picked up a card, an eight, and tucked it away into his hand. "Are you the only chick here?"

"No. There are a few. We can't go into the solitary block or death row without special permission since we're more likely to be attacked there. That's probably why you haven't seen any of us. They've had you on lockdown forever," Frangipane replied. "You've been locked up since you were thirteen, right?" She asked calmly, no malice in the words.

"Yeah, but I've only been in solitary since I was eighteen," he replied.

She nodded. "Eights?"

He handed her the eight he'd just picked up.

"Twos?" He asked, received three of them and the narrowing of two hazel eyes. He nearly smiled as he set the full set aside.

"So close," the officer said wistfully, and Josh didn't know if she meant with the cards or with her attempt to make Josh smile. Instead of asking for a specific card, she asked him something else. "Did you at least have your first kiss before you came here? Or in juvie or something?"

Josh's eyebrows raised slightly, but he didn't give her much of a reaction beyond that. "Nope," he replied simply, making her eyes widen.

"You've never been kissed?" She asked, seeming genuinely saddened by that.

Josh shrugged. "I was thirteen," he pointed out. "Bad things happen to boys who kiss boys in juvie, and I'd imagine it's just as bad here. Besides, I'm in solitary. Not many people to kiss there."

"You should save your first kiss for June then," she decided easily. "For someone who loves you so much that they can't help but kiss you all the time."

"Was your husband like that at first?" He asked curiously.

Frangipane snorted. "Hell no."

"How long have you been married exactly?" Josh asked curiously.

"About a year, which is a year too long," she replied easily. "Fours?"

"Go fish," Josh said, catching that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. "How old were you when you had your first kiss?"

"Fourteen," she informed him.

Josh hummed and nodded. "And how long ago was that?"

The guard laughed. "You know you're not supposed to ask women how old they are?"

"Why? It's not like you're in your sixties or something," he replied, making her laugh again.

"I'm twenty-three, so have some respect for your elders," she informed him, and she squealed when he laughed at that. "Smile number one!" She exclaimed.

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever," he mumbled, but it didn't dull her excitement.

"Told you I'm funny," she said with a grin. She set her cards down. "Lunch break," she decided.

"I'm fine," he assured her, making no move to touch the food that made him feel nauseous just by looking at it.

Frangipane sighed. "What would make you feel comfortable enough to eat?" She asked understandingly.

Josh shrugged. "I don't know," he replied honestly.

She hummed, looking at the chicken noodle soup, grilled cheese, vegetables, and milk on the tray beside him. After a moment of thinking, she looked at him and asked, "You know what the number one cause of suicidal ideation for prisoners in solitary confinement is?"

"What?" Josh asked quietly.

"Touch deprivation," she replied. "Did you know babies die if they aren't given physical affection? You can feed them and care for them like any other healthy baby, but if you don't touch them, they die. I think adults are like that too. We need physical contact. So, what if I hold your hand while you eat or something?"

That was tempting. That was extremely tempting. Josh wanted her to touch him so badly, but he didn't want to make her uncomfortable either. He didn't want to forced her to show him affection, so he remained silent.

Frangipane huffed, standing up from her folding chair and climbing up to sit next to him on his cot. His heart nearly stopped when she pulled his arm around her and snuggled in against his side, resting her head on his shoulder as she handed him his spoon.

A shaky breath left Josh's lungs as he tried to process this. No one had ever done this with him. Ever. No one had ever snuggled up next to him and allowed him to revel in their presence. He felt dizzy from endorphins as his brain told him over and over again, You're being touched! Someone is touching you! Look how comfortable you are! This feels so good! This is so nice! He didn't eat anything until Frangipane reminded him again. She spoke to him casually as she remained tucked against his side, tangling her fingers with the hand not holding Josh's spoon, and he hoped she didn't notice that he was shaking. The attention was so much to absorb at once, and he was basking in it.

"Is this better or worse?" Frangipane asked him calmly.

Josh felt embarrassed as he quietly said, "Better."

She smiled. "Good." Frangipane tugged on his earlobe slightly, and he had to force himself not to shiver. "You had your ears stretched," she observed.

"Yeah. They took them out in juvie, and they never closed up. They were stretched too far, so now they just flop," he said, stirring the soup with his spoon to avoid eating.

"I had mine stretched to half an inch in high school," she told him. "They closed up for the most part, but my earrings still fall out sometimes."

"Mine weren't huge. They should've closed up by now," Josh replied, still staring at his food instead of eating it.

The guard seemed to be aware of that, but she was giving him time. She wasn't going to force him to eat just yet. It had to be his choice. She was letting it be his choice. He didn't get a lot of choices in here.

"Is it too overwhelming to be touched this much? Do you need me to back off a little?" Frangipane offered.

Almost instantly, Josh heard himself blurt out, "No, please stay."

She nodded instantly, pressing a kiss to his cheek that made him melt slightly. "Okay. I'm here for the next couple hours. Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere for a while." Josh nodded, embarrassed that tears were forming in his eyes at the thought of her leaving him again. She cooed softly, snuggling in closer. "It's okay. It's okay."

"Sorry," Josh said weakly, wanting to hide away forever.

"No, it's okay. I don't blame you. You need this. You need to be touched," she told him softly. "Everyone does. It's part of being human."

"I don't really feel human," he admitted shamefully.

"That's because you aren't being treated like one," Frangipane sympathised. She sighed. "I promise you that when you get out of here in June, you're going to find someone who makes you feel so loved and so well cared for that you won't ever question if you're human again."

Josh squeezed his eyes shut. "And if I don't get out in June?" He asked fearfully.

"You'll still have a friend here because I'm not going anywhere," she promised him. He didn't believe her, but he nodded anyways. She kissed his cheek. "Take a couple bites, and then we'll play another round."

Pain swelled in Josh's stomach as he ate his soup. He knew it was anxiety tying his intestines up into knots. He was used to this. He'd had this happen to him throughout his whole life. Anxiety had never been his friend.

They didn't play another round after he ate. Frangipane could see how sick he was feeling, so she helped him to curl up in his cot to go to sleep. Her chair was still pulled up next to his bed when she sat back down in it. She held one of his hands, the other tracing the veins in his wrist with gentle fingers. He shivered when her lips brushed against them, and she didn't make fun of him. She just allowed him to revel in her touch.

"I'm never gonna see you again after I get off of suicide watch, am I? You don't have clearance to go into solitary," Josh realized quietly, making his stomach tighten even more.

"I'll see what I can do," she promised warmly. "Maybe if I tell them how well you're doing right now, they'd know that it's safe for me to drop by and visit you every now and then. You aren't dangerous."

Josh couldn't bring himself to trust that though. It would destroy him if that wasn't true. He needed it to be true. He needed to know that there was someone he could count on in his life when Hoppus wasn't around, but he couldn't just cling to the first person who offered him some semblance of affection. That wasn't logical. Instead, he allowed Frangipane's fingertips to lull him to sleep, attempting to savour every second of having them pressed to his skin in case he never felt them again.