Wait to start the song.
***Trigger warnings for a panic attack and mentions of a pedophile.***

When Josh woke up again, it was because a quiet conversation drew him out of his sleep. Hoppus was no longer beside him, arguing quietly with a man at the cell door. Even though Hoppus was just a few feet away, a terrible feeling of dread washed over Josh. He was going to be alone again. Hoppus was going to leave. He'd be all alone in an empty cell for the rest of the night, and there was nothing he could do about it.

The panic attack that hit Josh washed over him like a wave, making his lungs ache as he gasped for breath. The guards by the door were rushing to him immediately as he curled up into a ball and panted out sobs that shredded his throat and made him feel ill. He remained curled up, unable to hear the guards as they tried to calm him down. Even the warm hum of Hoppus's voice didn't soothe Josh. His words didn't make sense to Josh's ringing ears.

What did break through Josh's panic was when he was forced to roll over and face the officers. Hoppus's face swam into view.

"Breathe in. Breathe out," Hoppus instructed softly as if that was an easy thing to do. "Come on. Do it with me. Breathe in." Josh was trembling all over as he tried to copy Hoppus's breathing. "Good job. Now breathe out. Very good. Breathe in. Breathe out. One more time. In. Out."

Josh was still trembling, but he had more control over his lungs now. The other guard seemed surprised that Hoppus had helped Josh so quickly.

"Sorry," Josh whispered shakily.

Hoppus shook his head easily. "You don't have to be sorry. You do have to be calm though because that's the only way you'll be allowed to go see your mom. She's here."

"My mom?" Josh asked quietly, feeling both relieved and terrified at the prospect of facing his mother.

The guards both nodded. "I brought you some clothes to change into," the unfamiliar guard told Josh, handing him a familiar pair of orange pants and a matching shirt. "You'll have twenty minutes with her. Keep your hands on the table at all times. Don't touch her. You can earn that privilege back when you're behaving again."

Hoppus's expression was suddenly nearing anger. "Are you kidding me? He's not a danger to anyone else. He needs to-"

"You know the rules, Hoppus," the guard said simply, motioning for Josh to sit up. "Get dressed. Come on. Hurry your ass up. I don't have all day."

Josh didn't argue, standing up on shaky legs and changing out of the stupid paper gown they'd given him and into his regular clothes. He held his hands out for the guard to cuff him once he was finished, and he didn't complain when the cuffs were put on far too tight. His mom was here. He got to see his mom.

Maybe it was because of Josh's heightened anxiety and depression, but he couldn't ignore the ear-shattering shouts of the prisoners they passed on the way to the visitation room. They taunted him for his crime, his isolation, his appearance, etc. While he knew the safest way to get through here was to keep his eyes down, his eyes shot up when he felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. His eyes met a familiar pair of cold blue eyes. They gleamed at Josh as the man they belonged to smirked, dragging his eyes down Josh's body and back up to meet his.

Josh could feel every single bruise and broken bone that man had given him when they were cellmates. He hadn't seen him since the last night they'd shared a cell as he was being carried away to the hospital unit on a gurney. One of those terrible blue eyes winked at Josh, making his blood run cold. He shuffled a bit closer to Hoppus, making the man with blue eyes smirk even wider.

Through the deafening noise of terrible things being shouted at Josh, only one voice scared him enough for his ears to clearly pick up every syllable of the words, "Poor baby. You poor little thing. Don't be scared, baby. I'll come take care of you real soon."

Josh was relieved when they were past the inmate's cell. He glanced at the unfamiliar guard nervously before looking to Hoppus, who was watching that inmate's cell intently with his baton gripped tightly in his hand in case he needed to use it.

Hoppus had been there the night Josh had been removed from that cell. He'd been the one to pull that man off of Josh, who had been too afraid to defend himself. He'd yelled at anyone and everyone who would listen about how incredibly fucked up it was that Josh, who had only been legally an adult for a day at the time he was put into that cell, had been forced to live in a confined space with a convicted pedophile and sex offender.

Hoppus held onto Josh's arm, careful to make it look like he was simply doing it to guide Josh through the prison instead of holding him up as he began to tremble again. He kept glancing over his shoulder nervously in case that monster had somehow gotten out of his cell.

"Breathe," Hoppus reminded Josh over the continued yelling of the other inmates.

The other guard glanced at Josh, but said nothing. He didn't care about Josh. Josh was just another animal in a cage to him.

When Josh was finally led through the heavy door of the visitation room, he couldn't help but feel a million times better. His cuffs weren't removed this time around, but his mother hugged him tightly anyways. She didn't let go of him even when the unfamiliar guard reminded her that Josh wasn't allowed any physical contact at the moment.

Start the song. It's Flume by Bon Iver.

"My son is suicidal. I'll hold him if I want to," his mother snapped, having to go up onto her tiptoes in order to kiss Josh's forehead. "Come sit down," she told Josh in a much softer voice.

Josh did as his mother told him to without question. In some ways, Josh's mother terrified him. She was outspoken, unafraid of anyone or anything, a devout Catholic, and always seeming to be waiting for the right moment to lecture him about something. In most ways, however, he loved his mom. Over the years, she'd gotten over her initial anger and become the most reliable person in his life. She always visited at least once every couple months, called once a week, and made sure he had money for anything he needed in here. She also sent him books constantly. She was the only real reason he hadn't killed himself a long time ago.

"Tell me what you were thinking," she instructed him, earning another reminder not to touch Josh when she took his hand in hers.

"Ma'am, until we can be sure he isn't going to hurt anyone-" The guard began in a polite tone, only for Momma Dun to cut him off.

"Hurt anyone? Hurt anyone?" Her volume was increasing, and Josh gave the guard a warning glance even though it was too late. "Joshua has been incarcerated for nearly eight years, and he has never once hurt anyone in that time. My son is not a danger to me or anyone else, but he will be a danger to himself if you don't shut up and let me do my job as a mother. Do you understand me? If you want to protect someone from getting hurt today, you can let this other guard handle Joshua and go find yourself something else to do while I talk to my son."

The guard glanced nervously at Hoppus, who offered him nothing in return. He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry about that, ma'am."

Josh watched the guard disappear from the room rapidly before looking back to his mother. She reached out and took his hands in hers again.

"Let me get those cuffs off really quick," Hoppus said, earning a smile from Momma Dun.

She didn't release Josh's hands as Hoppus unlocked the cuffs and removed them gently. Her hands immediately began to massage her son's rapidly bruising wrists.

"What's going through your head right now, honey?" She asked Josh softly, her hazel eyes warm and comforting.

Josh shrugged. "I don't know. I just don't think I can do this anymore. I can't be locked up or go home and not know how to be a normal person. No matter what happens, my life is pretty much destroyed. I fucked everything up, and I just want to be done. I don't want to be alone and scared all of the time, but no matter what, that's what's going to happen to me. I can't handle that, Mom. I can't."

She hushed him gently, placing her hand on the back of his head and tilting it down so she could kiss his forehead again. For a moment, he felt safe.

"You won't be alone when you get out, Joshua. Your family will be there for you. We're all so excited to see you and to have you at home with us. We'll take care of you, honey. You know we will," she reassured him gently, moving her hand to massage his other wrist. "Your wrists are thinner. Haven't you been eating?"

Josh hesitated before shaking his head. "Not really."

His mother sighed, bringing his hand up to her lips and pressing a kiss to his bruised wrist. "You need to eat, Joshua. You'll get even more depressed if you don't eat. I need you to take care of yourself in here, honey. I can't take care of you while you're here. I need you to stay strong so I can take care of you when you get out."

Josh twisted his mom's wedding ring around her finger, avoiding eye contact. "Ashley said she wants me to live with her when I get out." He glanced nervously at his mother, who seemed to be digesting that information.

"Would you want to live with her?" She asked him, not giving any indication if she was for or against the idea. That made him even more nervous.

"Um, I don't know. I'd never.... The idea of living anywhere but here is kind of more than I can wrap my mind around at the moment," Josh admitted quietly.

Momma Dun nodded, turning his hand over in hers. She released his hand to slide her wedding ring off, setting it in Josh's hand. He looked at her in confusion, but turned the ring over in his hands anyways.

"You used to play with my wedding ring when you were little. I've had four of them because you had a tendency to lose them. You flushed the first one down the toilet when you were two. You and Ashley buried the second in the garden one day after preschool. I found it last week, and Ashley remembered doing it with you. The last two disappeared when you took them to school with you, and they never came home," she told Josh quietly. "I don't remember when you stopped being my shadow. I don't know what I did that pushed you away."

Josh looked up at his mom, whose gaze looked distant. He slid her ring back onto her finger, watching her a bit nervously.

"Nothing that's wrong with me is your fault, Mom. I'm just fucked up. It isn't your fault. You did everything right," Josh assured her.

His mother shook her head, sitting forward to press another kiss to his forehead. She held his cheeks so he had to make eye contact with her.

"There is nothing wrong with you. You made a mistake. You're paying for it. You don't need to punish yourself further. Just serve your sentence and come home. Don't make this any worse for yourself than it needs to be, okay?" She told him softly.

Josh nodded, mostly because there were tears in his mother's eyes. "Okay," he agreed quietly.

His mother nodded. "Okay. I have to leave soon to go pick Abbie and Jordan up. I need you to promise me you'll still be here when I come back."

As much as Josh didn't want to have to promise he'd be here when he wasn't sure he could deliver, he nodded. "Yeah, Mom, I'll be here."

She nodded as well, looking relieved. "Do you still have that Bible I sent you?"

Have it? Yes. Read it? No. Josh had never even opened it. His mom had already told him everything he needed to know. He'd killed people. He was going to Hell. It was no use trying to save himself now.

"Yeah," he replied quietly.

"And you've been saying your prayers?" She pressed.

Nope. "Yeah."

His mother nodded, looking relieved. She sat forward and hugged him tightly. "I love you so much," she whispered to him earnestly. "You keep being good so you can come home in June. Whether you decide to live with me or Ashley, I'll have your room ready by the first of June."

Josh smiled briefly. "Thanks, Mom."

"Of course," she relied warmly. She sat back, kissing his forehead and cheeks softly, making him nearly smile once again.

"Hey, tell Abbie I got her letter. I can't write back yet, but I will," Josh told his mom when she released him. "Tell her to be nice to Jordan and that she can have whatever she wants out of my room as long as it's not going to hurt her or someone else. And tell her she's going to be okay. She's...she's going to be fine."

His mom look confused. "She sent you a letter?"

"Yeah. She just told me about what's going on in her life and stuff. It was kind of nice to hear from her. I didn't think she remembered me. I haven't seen her since she was tiny," Josh explained, twisting her wedding ring around her finger again.

He didn't want to bring up the fact that Abbie had told him she and Jordan weren't allowed to come visit. Things were bad enough without him causing more tension between himself and his mom. If he mentioned that to her, she wouldn't let Abbie write to him anymore. As much as that letter had freaked him out, he was far more terrified of losing contact with his family. He could bite the bullet on this one if it meant Abbie kept writing and his mom kept visiting.

Hoppus cleared his throat, drawing the attention of Josh and his mother. "I'm sorry, but it's time for Josh to go back to his cell. He's still on watch. I can give you guys a couple minutes to say goodbye, but that's it for today. I'm really sorry."

Panic swelled inside of Josh immediately, making him feel sick. His grip on his mom's hand tightened, and she gently patted the back of his.

"Thank you," she told Hoppus warmly before smiling sadly at Josh. "I will be back tomorrow morning after Abbie and Jordan leave for school, okay? I promise. Ashley said she's going to try to get a day off work so she can come by too. We love you, honey. We love you so much."

"I love you too," Josh replied weakly, too anxious to say anything else.

He knew his mom and Ashley probably wouldn't visit him again this week. His mom would call in a couple days and apologize that she hadn't been able to come by. She'd give him an excuse, and he'd tell her it was okay. Ashley wouldn't come by until she had another problem in her life that she didn't want anyone else to know about. That was how things were. Josh was someone to vent to. He was someone who could keep their secrets and problems locked away from the rest of the world for them. His problems were his to carry, and his alone.

His mother looked to Hoppus with tears in her eyes. "You take good care of him, okay?"

Hoppus nodded immediately. "Of course, Mrs. Dun. I'll do everything I can to make sure Josh is safe."

Josh's mom smiled slightly at Hoppus. "I don't think I've ever heard a guard call him by his first name."

Hoppus chuckled. "He's a good kid."

Her smile moved to Josh. "Yeah, he is."

Josh tried to smile back at her, but he was too busy trying not to think about having to walk past those blue eyes again. He thought about them as his mother hugged him and kissed his forehead. He thought about them as his cuffs were put back on. He definitely thought about them as he was led through those metal doors and back through the cells. Most importantly, he thought about them when a hand reached out of the bars and yanked him toward the steel door holding back those blue eyes.

"Don't think that just because you put on some weight and got put in solitary that I'm not watching you anymore. I've been here a whole lot longer than you, and I have connections. Build as much muscle as you want, but we both know you're still a defenceless little boy." Those blue eyes were dark as the man smirked at Josh. "I'll see you soon, baby."

Josh was trembling, starting to hyperventilate as Hoppus yanked him away from the door and brought his baton down hard on the man's wrist, making him cry out in pain. His hand shot back into the cell, but those eyes were still fixed on Josh. They were just as hungry as they'd always been.

Josh couldn't look away from that man as Hoppus led him away. What connections did he have that could get him close to Josh again? Yeah, the pedophiles and child molesters tended to stick together, but that was out of necessity. Inmates attacked and killed pedophiles all the time. They didn't have the upper hand at all. How could they possibly have any way to get to Josh?

"He can't hurt you," Hoppus reminded Josh when they got back to his cell. Josh's hands were shaking as he changed back into that stupid paper gown. "He's being watched closely. Besides, he's a pedophile. You're twenty now. You aren't his type anymore."

"I wasn't this type then either. I was just the closest thing to it available," Josh whispered weakly.

Hoppus sighed. "Josh, you're under more protection than ever right now. You're going to have a guard with you at all times for the next three days. Then you'll go back into solitary, which is high security. You're safe, Josh. He can't get to you."

"He never did anything to me except beat me up and say scary things to me. It was a weird power thing. He doesn't care how old I am or where I am. He just wants to hurt me so he can have the power back," Josh replied weakly, laying down on the lumpy bed in his cell.

"He can't get it back, Josh. You're the one in power here. You're safe," Hoppus assured him. "Now get some rest. I'll wake you up a little while before the shift change. I'll come back as soon as I can after that, okay?"

"Okay," Josh agreed quietly, curling up once again. "Hoppus?

"What do you need, buddy?" Hoppus asked softly, pulling his chair up next to Josh's bed again.

Anxiety was still making him feel sick, which made it difficult for him to try and communicate what he wanted from the officer. Thankfully, Hoppus understood. He took one of Josh's hands in his and rubbed his back with the other.

"I'm sorry," Josh said instinctually.

Hoppus shook his head. "Don't be. This is what dads are for."

Josh sighed, closing his eyes. "My mom isn't going to come back tomorrow," he whispered.

The hand rubbing his back didn't slow, continuing to provide Josh with gentle comfort. "Maybe not, but I will. You aren't alone, Josh. I'm here for you."

Josh held on tighter to Hoppus's hand. "Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me," Hoppus reminded him. "Goodnight, Josh."

"Goodnight," Josh whispered, trying to will himself to sleep despite the anxiety bubbling in his stomach.

It took ages for Josh to finally drift off, and when he did, it wasn't a restful sleep. It was plagued by the memory of blue eyes, a sickly sweet voice, and harsh fists. At least if Josh got out of prison, he'd only ever see those eyes again in his nightmares. That is, until that man got released too.