***Trigger warnings for mentions of the riot, survivor's guilt, and PTSD.***

Start the song. It's Smoke Signals by Phoebe Bridges.

Mornings weren't great for Josh. The pills they basically had to force down his throat every night left him groggy long after breakfast had come and gone, making it a little bit difficult to give his full attention to anything other than how much he wanted to sleep. After too many guards had dragged him to the infirmary under the assumption that he was either taking recreational drugs or incredibly ill, it was decided that his medication dosages be lowered and that he would be given one hour of outdoor time daily.

The doctor in the infirmary had been the one to request that Josh spend more time in the yard this time around. He'd even gone so far as to write what was essentially a prescription for sunlight that was immediately sent to the warden, who signed off on it less than an hour later.

Josh had never been more grateful for anything in his life. He couldn't believe how lucky he was that Tyler was patient enough to listen to him go on and on about stupid things like melting snow and birds whenever he came in. Tyler always smiled while Josh rambled on and on about being outside, even when Josh knew his excitement was making his words stumble and making it harder for him to get words out correctly on the first try. Tyler just held his hand and listened closely, asking Josh whether the grass was yellow or green beneath the melting snow or what kind of birds he'd seen that day. Nothing Josh said seemed to come across as useless or annoying to Tyler, and Josh craved that kind of validation.

A new daily ritual had formed between the two of them too. Tyler now brought Josh little pieces of nature he found outside whenever he visited, and Josh kept them all. They had to be small enough and harmless enough to pass through security, but they were Josh's absolute favourite possessions. There were flowers and leaves pressed between the pages of some of his books now, and he had a couple very small and very round rocks sitting on his bookshelf.

He hadn't been able to keep his favourite item Tyler had managed to bring in, which had been a snowball. Tyler had explained to Josh that he'd had to smash the snowball and allow security to search through it to make sure nothing was hidden inside before he was allowed to reshape it and bring it to Josh, that is, once he'd promised again and again that he would not throw the snowball at Josh. They'd just passed it back and forth until it had melted and their hands were freezing, at which point Tyler had immediately tried to rub warmth back into Josh's hands despite the cold plaguing his own. Josh loved having Tyler around.

Today, however, Josh was told he had visitors again long after Tyler had delivered the pinecone that was now sitting on the top shelf of his bookcase. Josh wished Tyler could be there to help him with the anxiety of potentially facing his mom, Ashley, and Andrew again, but that wasn't an option. He barely even knew the guard that was with him today either, so he had no backup at all. He was completely alone as he allowed himself to be led across the prison and in through the door to the visitation room.

As soon as Josh saw the people at the table in front of him, he froze. Tears filled his eyes, and he couldn't move an inch as the officer who'd led him in removed his cuffs. Josh still remained frozen though. There were too many thoughts and emotions running through his head at the moment for him to even attempt to process them. His mother and all three of his siblings were sitting in front of him for the first time in years, and he had no fucking clue what to do now that they were here.

He felt small and timid when Abbie carefully stood up, glancing at the confused guard in the corner of the room before walking over to Josh and taking his hand gently. His feet stumbled as she guided him carefully to the table before sitting down and helping him to sit down beside her. His leg was bouncing anxiously under the table, and he still couldn't stop searching each of their faces like there was going to be some kind of proof that these people weren't his family at all, but they were, and they were here.

Instantly, their hands were on him. His mom seized the hand Abbie hadn't already claimed while Jordan's hands searched one of his arms for fresh wounds and Ashley's searched the other. He was shaking as they all tried to orient themselves, to make sure he was okay and that he wasn't going to pass out again this time. They all had tears in their eyes too as they finished their visual screenings for any potential signs of poor health, and then they were all talking.

It was hard to focus on what everyone was saying when they were all speaking once, but Josh caught bits and pieces. Ashley and his mom kept apologizing, promising to be better and insisting that they loved him even if they weren't doing a good job of showing that. Jordan was telling him about what a dick their dad was and how it wasn't a loss at all to not have him around anymore. Abbie was quiet, leaning into Josh's side and holding his hand firmly atop the table. The feeling of her tiny thumb gently rubbing his was the only thing grounding him right now, so he leaned into her too.

She buried her face against his shoulder, whispering softly, "I missed you."

Josh pressed a kiss to the top of her head as he squeezed her hand reassuringly. "I missed you too," he told her quietly.

Finally, his family was quiet for a moment, giving Josh a chance to breathe before his mother asked him, "How are you feeling?"

Josh sighed. He had no idea. There weren't words for how he was feeling at the moment. Everything felt completely overwhelming at the moment, but he wasn't sure if she was asking about this exact second or how he was feeling about his entire life in general. Everything was so blurry and difficult to grasp at the moment.

"I don't know," Josh replied finally, settling for giving the honest response instead of the one he was sure his mother wanted.

She nodded, swallowing nervously. "And the, uh..." she glanced at Ashley, who was chewing anxiously at her thumbnail as she stared at the tabletop with unfocused, tear-filled eyed. His mom cleared her throat before changing the trajectory of her question slightly. "How have you been sleeping?"

Abbie buried her face against his shoulder again, and he knew she was afraid of what his response might be. Had his mom told her and Jordan about his PTSD? Did they know he'd passed out? Did his dad know too? Had his mom told Abbie and Jordan that he'd watched the man with the blue receive blow after blow to the head with a metal pipe until his skull was so fragmented and his brain was so pulverized that he hadn't even looked human anymore by the time Josh was dragged away from him? Josh really hoped not.

"Oh-ok-kay," Josh stuttered out quietly, watching as his mother's free hand came up the cradle the back of his hand just like Tyler's always did. He took in a deep breath to steady himself, just like Tyler always reminded him to when he started to stutter from anxiety, before adding, "I have to take medicine to help me sleep now, which I don't really like, but it helps. That's what matters, I guess."

His mom nodded. "You won't have to stay on the medication forever, I'm sure. Just until you can sleep on your own. It'll be okay, honey."

Josh nodded slightly, temporarily looking at his hands and the ones that held them instead of the people sitting around the table. He couldn't tell them anything about the riot, but he knew they wanted him to. They wanted to know where the PTSD came from. They wanted to know why that specific death affected him so much when there were so many in the prison that day. Maybe his mom already knew what had happened to him. Maybe she could see it just from looking at his face, and she was just waiting for him to confess. Maybe she could see sins written all across his face again like she had last time.

His mind quieted suddenly when he felt Abbie lightly squeeze the hand she was holding while she pressed a kiss to his shoulder. He didn't realize how unstable his breathing had become until he looked down at his little sister, seeing her take in a deep breath and blow it out. She did it a couple times before he could focus enough to do it too, and then his eyes were on his hands again. His mother and siblings were quiet, not commenting on the way Josh leaned into the tiny thirteen year old beside him like she was capable of protecting him in some way.

Once Josh's breathing had calmed again, his mother decided that he was apparently stable enough to handle the question, "Is there a reason you decided to take your father off of your visitation list? He said that he's no longer an emergency contact, isn't allowed to come in, and that he can't call you anymore."

"Oh because he was clearly so close with Josh," Jordan interjected irritably, surprising Josh. "Why should he be Josh's emergency contact if he doesn't live in Columbus, doesn't act like he even knows Josh, and was an asshole the one time he came to visit him? He should've been taken off the list a long time ago."

His mother sighed, shaking her head before looking to Josh and telling him seriously, "Josh, he's still your dad."

"Says who?" Josh asked, making his mother's jaw clench.

"God," his mom told him sternly, as if that was supposed to be the final argument.

In what was arguably one of the stupidest moves Josh had ever made in his entire life, Josh instinctively pulled his hand out of his mom's and told her, "Then he's off the fucking list too."

His siblings were silent. Even the guard in the corner of the room was silent. Everyone seemed to be holding their breath as Josh's mother processed the words he'd just said. Abbie's grip on Josh's hand had tightened so much that it was actually painful, but he was too afraid of his mom's potential reaction to so much as flinch.

His mother looked angry, and her anger just seemed to keep building and building as she tried to concoct a response to that. But then, miraculously, Jordan swooped in again to intercept his mother's wrath before she could direct it at Josh.

"Why does Josh have to keep trying to be Dad's kid if Dad isn't trying to be his dad? Dad had his chance. He had plenty of chances, and he didn't take them with any of us. He has his new family, and that's what he cares about, so if God expects us to spend the rest of our lives trying to win him back, I don't want anything to do with him either," Jordan told her quickly, something in his voice making it very clear to Josh that he was very used to falling on his sword to protect his siblings from their parents.

Ashley and Abbie both looked nervously at their mother, waiting anxiously to find out whether their mom was going to punish their brothers or not. It was then that Josh realized Ashley had scooted closer to him too. His sisters were both leaning into him while they awaited their mother's response, knowing full well how poorly this might end up. Abbie's free hand was tightly gripping Jordan's beneath the table.

Jordan's attempt to displace their mother's anger didn't work though because when she spoke again, the words that left her mouth were directed solely at Josh. "When are you going to stop trying to disappoint me?" She asked him harshly, and numbness washed over him like a wave. "It seems like you enjoy letting me down at this point."

Abbie's hand squeezed Josh's tighter although his was limp now. His siblings were all staring at their mother, horrified expressions on each of their faces. Josh stared at the tabletop, the numbness saturating him until he couldn't possibly soak in any more of the shame his mother had just hurled in his direction. He felt like he was going to throw up. He didn't want to be in this room anymore. He wanted to be as far away from here as possible.

"Mom-" Ashley said quietly, her shoulder bumping against Josh's lightly before her hand was capturing his, holding it firmly even when their mother cut her off.

"He does this every time I come in here. Everything has to be a fight. He always has to say something to start a fight, and he knows he's doing it. He does it on purpose. I don't know why he does it, but he does," she insisted angrily.

"Because he's hurting, Mom. Can't you-How can you possibly not see how much pain he's in? He's terrified, and we all left him in here to deal with everything by himself. He has every right to be angry!" Ashley argued, and Josh didn't look at her no matter how much her words surprised him. His eyes remained on the tabletop in front of him.

"And we aren't? Really, Joshua? You don't think the rest of us are hurting and angry and terrified? You don't think the rest of us are affected by you being in here? You don't think the riot was traumatic for the rest of us? You don't think-"

"No," Josh said quietly, and his mom stammered angrily for a moment as she tried to reassemble whatever she was about to say, but Josh didn't let her say it this time. "I don't care if the riot affected you. I'm sorry, but I don't," he said, shifting his hands out from his sisters' as he felt frustration pulse inside of him.

"Josh," Abbie whimpered out fearfully, but he ignored her.

"I don't care if it scared you or made you uncomfortable or what the fuck ever. You weren't in here. You have no fucking clue how bad it was, and you had people there to help you through it. You had family to help you through it. I had a complete stranger who dragged me into a cell and washed blood and chunks of someone's fucking brain off of me with toilet water after I'd just watched him crush somebody else's skull with a pipe. I don't care how you felt about the riot. I survived that because strangers stepped up to help me while you sat around sending thoughts and prayers and pretending you had any fucking right to say the riot was traumatic for you. I'm sick and goddamn tired of hearing about how traumatic it was for you to hear about the riot when I live five feet away from where a guy was bludgeoned to death right next to me. He isn't even the only one who died there, but that's what I have to live with, and I do that all by my fucking self, so if you wanna have a pissing contest about trauma, don't fucking try it with me because I relive that shit every single day while you're at home living normal fucking lives."

"Joshua-" Abbie tried again weakly.

Josh was shaking now, and he knew he was going to cry. He heard the door behind him open as the guards changed out after the shift ended, but he didn't look at them. His shoulder ached and his vision was blurry, and he didn't want his mom to be anywhere near him anymore.

"You're like Dad. You pretend you aren't, but you are. You're only my mom when it's convenient, and then you feed Frangipane bullshit excuses to tell me so I won't feel bad that you don't want to be my mom. It doesn't matter though because I know the truth. I know that you're ashamed of me and that you think I'm a lost cause. You haven't been my mom in a long time, but you keep doing little things every now and then to make yourself feel better about giving up on me. This is worse though. It's worse for you to keep coming in here and reminding me of what I'm missing out on. Now you're bringing them in here and reminding me that I have to earn the right to be their brother even though the rules change constantly. You just dangle them in front of me and then rip them away from me whenever you think I don't deserve them anymore, and you don't care what that does to me."

Josh was aware that he was crying, but only distantly. He was shaking though, and he was very aware of that. His mom didn't look like she was willing to admit she'd done anything wrong though because she was glaring right back at his siblings despite how angrily they were all looking at her as they crowded closer to Josh.

Nothing could ever prepare Josh for the cold words his mother responded with: "How many people do you have to kill before you'll realize you aren't the victim?"

It felt like a bucket of ice water had just been poured over his head. Shock was slowing down his ability to process the words fully as his siblings immediately began shouting at their mother, and hands pulled Josh up and off of the bench. He stared at his mother in absolute disbelief as Hoppus handcuffed his hands in front of him again before leading him toward the door without a word.

Josh couldn't breathe as he watched more guards enter the room to try to diffuse the explosion of anger in the room as his siblings and mother shouted at each other. His mother's words kept echoing in his head, and all he could see was Abbie sobbing as she watched him be hauled out of the room and away from the conflict.

When the door slammed shut, creating a barrier between Josh and his family, Hoppus didn't stop him from dropping down to sit on the floor as he pulled his knees up to his chest and sobbed so hard it felt like his throat was torn in two. Hoppus sat beside him, wrapping him up in a hug and letting him safely break down with only one wall between him and the family he would probably never see again. Josh's sobs were so loud and so harsh that they were bordering on screams, but Hoppus didn't let go. He rocked Josh softly, letting him cry for as long as he needed to. A couple guards came to make sure Hoppus was okay and to ask if he needed help, but he didn't leave Josh for even a second.

Even when Josh's sobs were finally silenced and replaced by a dull throbbing inside his chest, his dad didn't let go of him. He didn't tell him everything was going to be okay or to stop crying. He let Josh process that. He let Josh know that there was nothing he could ever do that would ever make his dad leave him. Hoppus's love wasn't conditional, and Josh knew that with absolute certainty.

Josh sniffled quietly, looking up at his dad even though he knew his face had to be covered in tears and snot. Hoppus had been crying too though, and that only made Josh feel more certain of what he told his dad: "I would pick you and Skye over my mom and dad anyway."

Hoppus let out a shaky breath, shaking his head before pressing a kiss to Josh's forehead and hugging him tightly again. "Don't be silly. You can't pick us over your parents. We're already your parents. We were always supposed to be your parents."

Josh closed his eyes and leaned into Hoppus. "You're gonna have to put me on suicide watch again, aren't you?" He asked tiredly.

"I'm afraid so, kid. I'm sorry," Hoppus told him quietly. "Just until we can make sure you're feeling okay. I bet your mom and Jack would be willing to come in and see you though if you wanted them to."

Josh sniffled again, keeping his eyes closed as he nodded.

"Let's get you a shower, and then I'll give your mom a call," Hoppus told him. "Do you think you can handle that right now?"

Josh nodded weakly. He watched Hoppus stand up before allowing the guard to pull him up too, but the only way he was able to make it through showering and being put back onto watch was by slipping back into that familiar numbness, and his only comfort was that Hoppus bent one little rule for him. He let Josh bring a couple items from the solitary block to his watch cell.

Hoppus didn't tease him or make fun of him or ask any questions when Josh curled up on the uncomfortable but familiar bed and placed his hand atop the outline of Tyler's and carefully set his pinecone down beside it. Hoppus just pulled up a chair and rubbed Josh's back to help him fall asleep. Josh closed his eyes and tried to think about how he'd felt on the day Tyler had brought him a snowball so he wouldn't feel like he was drowning anymore, but he just kept hearing his mother's voice in his head.

"How many people do you have to kill before you'll realize you aren't the victim?"

Josh had never been the victim though, and that was precisely what was killing him.