***Trigger warnings for mentions of death and violence, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, medical/hospital stuff, mentions of self harm scars, and mention of an IV.***

Start the song. It's Learning to Hate You As a Self Defence Mechanism by Flatsound.

Josh couldn't sleep anymore. He tried to, but the nightmares came so often that he just couldn't take it anymore. With lack of sleep came too much time to think, with too much time to think came increased depression, and with increased depression came suicide watch. Hoppus had been the one to put him back on watch after he'd come into work and heard that Josh hadn't slept in five days and saw that Josh had bitten his nails down to nothing. Technically the prison could count that as self harm, so Josh was back in the watch cell, too afraid to close his eyes and sleep, and officially out of ways to cope.

Tyler had already been visiting Josh and talking to him on the phone every day since Josh stopped sleeping, helping to talk him through panic attacks and depressive episodes. He'd even come in twice the day before even though Josh didn't say a word to him either time. Tyler talked to him normally, like he would any other day, except he told more stories and asked less questions. He never stopped touching Josh the whole time he was there either. He was always holding Josh's hands, kissing the top of his head, hugging him, and allowing Josh to trace the thick scar on the inside of his wrist with shaky fingers. He always hugged Josh really tight, kissed the top of his head, and told him he loved him before he left. Josh had been too tired not to cry when Tyler had left the day before, so Tyler had held him a little longer and promised over and over that he'd come back in the morning and that he would always answer his phone when Josh called him, even if Josh didn't feel like talking and just needed to listen to his voice for a while.

Hoppus had pulled some strings and gotten permission to bring Josh his sketchbook around three in the morning, but he was only allowed to use crayons from one of the art therapy bins. Josh drew all night, not having the energy or the will to speak to anyone as he drew Winston, Abbie, Jordan, Tyler, his mom, and anyone else his mind could still recall the face of. He was so tired that his vision was starting to blur, he couldn't remember how to speak without stuttering, and he felt sick with guilt whenever he saw how worried he was making Hoppus. He couldn't go to sleep though. It wasn't safe to go to sleep either.

It was six in the morning when Hoppus's radio let him know that Josh had visitors-plural. Josh didn't feel excited or relieved or nervous or anything. He was so tired and so depressed that he couldn't even think of what emotions he was meant to be feeling. He couldn't think at all as he followed Hoppus to the visiting room, his arm gripped tight in Hoppus's hand and a second guard trailing behind since he was considered a fall risk at the moment.

Josh was too tired to be angry or annoyed or frustrated when he saw his mom, his sister, and a guy he had only seen in pictures from Ashley's wedding. His mother and sister looked more concerned than he'd ever seen them when the guards sat him down before they took his handcuffs off of him. Ashley's husband kept nervously looking at Josh and then at her as if he was having trouble connecting the two of them.

"Are you okay?" Ashley asked fearfully as their mom instantly grabbed Josh's hands, surveying through teary eyes the mess he'd made of his nails.

Josh watched his mom's hands as she touched his all over before turning over his arms and feeling his forearms as well as if there were wounds there that her eyes couldn't find but that her hands would. He could barely focus on anything, but he was seeing his mom for the first time since before the riot, and he was trying as hard as he could to commit her to memory before she disappeared again.

"Is he okay?" Ashley asked Hoppus when Josh didn't answer her. Her voice broke, but Josh didn't look at her. He was still watching his mother's hands try to find the life left in his, but he didn't have the energy to move, so his hands remained limp in hers.

Hoppus cleared his throat, and some part of Josh recognized that his dad wasn't happy with Josh's visitors. He knew Josh's mom had abandoned him when he'd needed her most again, and he knew Ashley was wilfully ignoring Josh's requests to not bring in Andrew. Josh should've been angry, but he was just too tired.

"He hasn't slept in five days," Hoppus explained simply, making Josh's mother tighten her grip on his hand.

"Why not?" His mother asked worriedly, looking to Josh for an answer, but he couldn't provide her with one.

"Most of the inmates who were in during the riot have developed some level of PTSD. Josh is one of them," he informed her. When his family and Andrew remained silent, looking at Josh with wide fearful eyes, Hoppus provided an additional incredibly revised explanation. "The solitary cells opened when the riot started. I wasn't in the same cellblock as Josh during the riot, so I only really know what he's managed to tell me. I know he saw a man be bludgeoned to death and sustained some pretty serious injuries during the riot himself, but no one can really force him to tell us more than he feels comfortable sharing. All we know is that he experienced a severe trauma, hasn't been able to see a psychologist since our last female therapist quit after the riot, and is probably going to fight sleep until he collapses because he's too afraid to go to sleep."

"Josh, honey, why didn't you call me?" His mom asked in a tiny voice that sounded nothing like her.

Josh blinked, staring at the empty space on the finger her wedding ring used to be on. He tried to picture the words he wanted to say in his head so he could figure out how to say them, but all that came of out his mouth was a slurred and quiet, "I-uh-I-I um w-w-wuh-w I-uh," before he gave up trying to find words and just fell silent again.

He could hear Ashley crying, but it sounded far away, like he was underwater. He blinked a couple times to try and clear his vision, but it didn't help, so he just kept his eyes on his mom's hand again. He heard his mom draw in a shaky breath when his thumb slid across the base of her ring finger weakly.

"How long has he been talking like that?" His mom asked in a strangled voice, and Josh could hear the fear of him potentially having permanently reverted back to his old speech patterns in his mother's tone.

"He started stuttering a couple days ago and stopped talking last night," Hoppus informed her. "Thinking about the riot makes him stutter more though, and that's been true since it first happened. He did have a head injury though, so it's likely that was a factor as well."

"You said he'd had multiple injuries. What else happened to him?" Ashley asked, reaching out and pushing Josh's hair back off of his forehead with a trembling hand as she spoke.

"Dislocated shoulder, bruised ribs, concussion, lots of cuts and bruises, and plenty of psychological trauma. He wouldn't stay in the infirmary long enough for us to get a full understanding of what was going on with him, but that's what we know for sure," Hoppus replied, and Josh wondered if they could hear the slight edge in Hoppus's tone.

"Abbie said he was bruised all over when she saw him," Andrew said quietly to Ashley, marking the first time Josh had ever heard his brother-in-law speak. Josh was too tired to be annoyed.

His mom sniffled as she pressed a kiss to the back of Josh's hand. "His dad came in here and argued with him while he was bruised and broken like that?" She asked Hoppus, sounding angry despite her voice still being thick with tears.

"Yes, ma'am," Hoppus replied.

"And he was traumatized like this when his dad decided he couldn't see Abbie anymore?" She pressed.

Josh's heart throbbed when he heard his worst fear be confirmed out loud. He felt tears fill his eyes instantly, and he was suddenly extremely anxious. His heart rate shot through the roof as his already blurry vision was marred by both tears and dark spots. His breath started to catch in his chest, and he could distantly hear Hoppus, his mom, and Ashley all talking to him at once as his head started to pound and ache and spin. He felt Hoppus grab him suddenly, and then his vision went out, and he felt himself start to fall. Everything turned black as he passed out, finally managing to shut his brain off for a minute.

---

Josh was lying on the floor when he came to again. He was still groggy and exhausted, his vision blurry and out of focus as a flashlight was shone into his eyes. He could hear his mom and Ashley crying, but he couldn't focus long enough to remember why. There were medics in the room, one of which had helped put his shoulder back into place after the riot. They were all speaking to each other, occasionally speaking calmly to him although he couldn't understand them or think well enough to respond.

It took him a minute to focus well enough to hear Hoppus carefully explaining to Josh's family what the medics were going to do with him. "He's severely sleep-deprived. They're going to move him to the infirmary where they're going to sedate him and monitor him for a while. He'll still be on suicide watch while he's in there, but unless he gives in and allows himself to sleep, this is just going to keep getting worse. The best thing they can do for him right now is help him get some sleep and to keep an eye on him."

The spots in his vision were growing again, and it seemed like he only blinked before he was lying on a gurney instead of the ground and being pushed out of the visiting room. He didn't feel the IV be slipped into his hand, but he did feel the sedative wash over him, pulling him down toward sleep no matter how hard he fought it. He could hear voices trying to calm him as he panicked, letting out a harsh sob as he fought to keep his eyelids open so he wouldn't have to see what was behind them. Hoppus's voice followed him throughout the prison, trying to soothe him and get him to stop fighting sleep. The sedatives won the battle before he even knew for sure if he'd made it to the infirmary.

---

Additional doses of sedatives were given to Josh throughout the course of a week when it became abundantly clear that he was still not going to willingly give in to his need for sleep. His mental health was evaluated by a male psychiatrist he didn't know after a few days, and suddenly he was to be medicated for PTSD, major depressive disorder, and insomnia. He now had two pills to take every night, which would be brought to him with his dinner.

He wasn't permitted phone calls or visitors at the moment, so Frangipane became the middleman between him and his family's guilt and panic over abandoning him when he clearly wasn't stable enough to cope with their negligence. Frangipane told him that his mom had been sick all week and that she cried whenever anything made her think about him. She said Abbie was so sick from anxiety and guilt that she'd been home from school all week. She also informed Josh that Jordan had told their dad that he didn't want anything to do with him anymore after he had taken away their last chance of ever getting their brother back. Ashley was supposedly inconsolable, but Andrew was taking care of her. His dad hadn't talked to anyone since Jordan had cut ties with him.

Josh missed talking to Tyler. He missed being able to hold Tyler's hand and hear about life outside of this place from someone who believed Josh deserved to experience a life like that. As embarrassing as it was, he'd cried more about missing Tyler than he'd ever cried about anything else since being arrested.

Hoppus pulled doubles all week just to be there for Josh. He rubbed Josh's back and spoke soothingly to him whenever panic attacks or meltdowns plagued him.

It seemed like he was going to have to sleep in a hospital bed every night for the rest of his life by the time he finally got cleared to go back to his own cell. Seeing his room again was a relief, just like seeing that his pens and pencils hadn't been confiscated made him feel relieved. He could still draw. That meant he was gonna he okay.

Josh had only been back in his cell for an hour before he was told he had a visitor. He felt a little sick from anxiety as he allowed himself to be cuffed and led to the visiting room. He hadn't spoken at all this week. He was too afraid his words would come out in fragments, and while the guards understood that his lack of verbal communication came along with his PTSD and the episode he'd just endured, his family most likely wouldn't be as understanding.

When he walked into the room and saw Tyler though, his eyes immediately burned with tears and his heart began to stutter in his chest. He barely had the patience to allow his cuffs to be removed before he was allowing himself to be wrapped up in Tyler's arms. He felt stupid and embarrassed when the feeling of Tyler kissing the top of his head made him sob, but Tyler just kept holding him.

"I missed you," Tyler told him in such a sincere and warm tone that Josh sobbed again. Tyler soothed his fingertips along Josh's back as he rocked him slowly. "I wanted to come visit you every day, but I wasn't allowed to. I'm sorry. How are you feeling?"

Josh shook his head, leaning into it when Tyler pressed another kiss to the top of Josh's head. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to focus on remembering the way Tyler smelled and how gentle he was whenever he touched Josh.

"Still a little afraid to try talking again?" Tyler sympathized softly, his touch remaining constant as he spoke.

Josh nodded, relaxing his death grip on the back of Tyler's shirt now that he was certain Tyler wasn't going to be angry with him for not talking and leave. He should've known better than to worry about that though. Tyler would never abandon him. Tyler loved him too much to just walk out on him, and Josh couldn't believe he'd forgotten that.

Tyler hummed his understanding. "That's okay. You can take as much time as you need to, okay? And remember that I'm not going to think less of you or make fun of you or leave you if you stutter. I'm not going anywhere, so you don't need to be embarrassed to talk to me. We're gonna get through this, okay?"

Josh nodded once again, his muscles relaxing with relief at the idea of Tyler helping him through this. He didn't have to be afraid. He would be okay. They would do this together. Tyler would be there to make sure he didn't have to go through this alone.

"Do you want to sit down, or do you need to be hugged a little longer? I'm more than happy to keep hugging you, but I also know your body has been through a lot lately, so it might be a good idea to sit down for a bit," Tyler told him gently.

Josh considered that for a second before deciding he'd be more likely to be able to have all of his time with Tyler today if he took it easy. He released Tyler, nearly starting to cry again when Tyler kissed his forehead softly before taking his hand and leading him over to the table. He kept Josh's hand in his as they sat down across from each other, and Josh was beyond relieved.

Tyler briefly studied the damage done to Josh's fingernails before taking Josh's other hand in his as well, gently rubbing his thumbs across Josh's. He smiled easily at Josh as he told him, "The snow's starting to melt outside, so I've been thinking about it, and you'll be able to see grass when you go outside pretty soon. It might be nice to be able to go outside without a coat and stuff too."

Honestly, Josh hadn't thought about that at all. He'd practically forgotten that snow even melted, but the idea of walking outside and feeling warmth despite the cold air inside the prison that never seemed to get any warmer was entirely welcome to him. He was too afraid to attempt to voice that thought, however, so he tried to focus on how soft Tyler's hands were in order to keep himself relatively calm.

Tyler didn't push him to talk or act like his unwillingness to speak was an inconvenience or annoyance. He just kept talking in the same calm tone. "I think I might go back to work next week. I'd still be able to come in and see you every day after work, but that would mean you'd have to wait until after five. Do you think we could make that work, or should I wait a little longer to go back? I don't want to make you deal with a change like that if you're not feeling well enough yet."

Josh swallowed nervously. He could handle that, right? As long as Tyler still came to see him, he'd be okay. He could be patient and wait for Tyler to come in later than he did now. He nodded, lacing his fingers through Tyler's anxiously before unlacing them and tracing the scar on the inside of Tyler's wrist instead. Tears burned at his eyes again when Tyler laced their fingers together carefully, squeezing Josh's hands comfortingly.

"I could just start seeing a couple clients a week and ease back into it so I'm not working all day right from the jump. I'll still have my phone on me too if you need me. I'm not going anywhere, okay? You'll still see me or talk to me every day, and I'm always going to be here as soon as possible if you need me," Tyler promised, studying Josh's face carefully for any traces of doubt. "Can you trust me on that?"

Trust Tyler? Josh could trust Tyler. Tyler was the one person in the world who had never once given up on him or made him feel like he had to become a new person in order to be cared about. There was no doubt in Josh's mind that Tyler would come through for him. Tyler had been doing that since the first time he'd ever stepped into this room.

Tyler smiled when Josh nodded. He gently squeezed Josh's hands again before telling him, "I don't think you have any idea how proud I am of you," he stated sincerely, taking Josh completely off guard. "You're the bravest person I've ever met. I can't even imagine how hard it's been for you to feel comfortable trusting anyone for all this time, but you're trying so hard, and I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of you."

Despite feeling a blush immediately burn his cheeks at the unexpected compliment, Josh was still too afraid to verbally thank Tyler, so he figured he hadn't really proved any kind of bravery. Still, he held on a little tighter to Tyler's hands.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Tyler asked him, releasing one of Josh's hands in favour of using both hands to hold one of Josh's. They wrapped his hand up snugly, and then Tyler's fingertips were soothing along his knuckles and the back of his hand.

Josh nodded again, his chest still feeling warm from the compliment he didn't really deserve and the gentle touch of Tyler's fingertips.

"I keep getting really anxious about leaving here," Tyler told him honestly, smiling just barely when Josh's first reaction was to hold his hand tighter and lean forward slightly with concern written all across his face. "The idea of leaving you here after this past week terrifies me because I don't like not being able to protect you or support you right when you need me. I hate the idea of you going back to your cell instead of coming home to a safe place where I can check on you whenever I want. I just really need to know that you're going to be safe when I leave because you're my family, and I need you to be safe."

Maybe it was because Tyler's voice trembled slightly and his hands shook a little when he voiced his concerns to Josh, but Josh's first instinct was to make sure Tyler wasn't feeling any kind of pain or anxiety. His first instinct was to try to comfort Tyler and to make sure he knew that Josh wasn't going to leave him behind either. His first instinct was to say out loud, "It'll be okay."

They both seemed a little stunned for a moment at the sound of Josh's voice, his stable and stutterless voice. Then Josh was smiling and Tyler was leaning across the table to hug him tightly, letting out a breath of relief.

"I'm so proud of you," Tyler told him again, his voice a little shaky still. Josh hugged Tyler back tightly as Tyler sniffled quietly. "I love you so much, and I'm so proud of you."

"Love you too," Josh replied quietly, his smile widening when his words came out correct and complete.

Tyler didn't release him yet. He rubbed Josh's back gently, kissing the top of his head softly as well. "I've missed hearing your voice," he admitted quietly. "I'm never going to force you to talk if you don't feel comfortable talking, but your voice is the best sound I've heard in my entire life. Even when you stutter, your voice is my favourite sound."

Josh smiled at Tyler when they finally separated. "I missed you the whole time I was in the infirmary. I kept wanting to talk to you about what happened, but I couldn't," Josh told him now that he felt a bit more comfortable in the belief that he could speak without stuttering.

"I'm here now," Tyler pointed out, taking Josh's hand in both of his again. "You can tell me whatever you want."

"My sister's husband was there. It was the first time I'd seen him in person, and I don't really ever want to see him again. My mom also made it seem like it was my fault she hadn't come to visit me, which sucked. Then I just passed out or collapsed or whatever. I was so tired, but I can't deal with those nightmares anymore," Josh explained.

"God, I'm so sorry, Josh. I can't even imagine how stressful that entire situation must have been for you," Tyler empathized, but Josh could see frustration on Tyler's face too. "You know it isn't actually your fault that your mom didn't come in, right? And that it's okay to feel upset with your sister for ignoring the boundaries you'd set?"

"I know," Josh replied honestly. He stared at his and Tyler's intertwined hands for a moment before adding, "My mom said that Abbie isn't allowed to come see me anymore. My dad decided that when he came in last. I'm just like...banned from being her brother or something. I'm trying not to be a baby about it, but that does kind of make me wonder if I'll ever be enough, you know? If I'll ever be able to make up for what I did. It seems like nothing's ever going to get better most of the time, which sucks because I'm the only one to blame for that."

"Josh, you're serving your time for what you did. You know that what you did was wrong, you try every single day to be a better person, and you definitely try to be a good brother to Abbie. You deserve to forgive yourself and be proud of what you've accomplished. Your parents don't get to take away your progress whenever they want. They just don't," Tyler told him carefully.

Josh shrugged, looking at their hands tiredly. "Did you know that the rehabilitation rate of arsonists is really fucking low? The likelihood of someone who's committed arson once committing it again is almost one hundred percent. I wonder sometimes if it's better for everyone if I'm in here."

Tyler sighed. "Almost one hundred percent means there were at least some arsonists who were able to get better though. Maybe you could be one of them."

"I don't know. Maybe," Josh replied quietly.

"We'll work on it together, okay?" Tyler reassured him.

Josh nodded but remained silent for a moment. He leaned into it slightly when Tyler eased his hair back off of his forehead for him. God, he wished he could just go home with Tyler at the end of this visit. He wished he could spend as much time with Tyler as he wanted without having to be supervised by cameras and a guard standing in the room.

It seemed like Josh hugged Tyler a million times before he went back to his cell, but he still felt sick to his stomach from how much he missed him already as he sat down on his bed. The guard locked him inside his cell before leaving Josh alone with only the stack of envelopes on his bed for company. He sighed as he shuffled through letter after letter from people he didn't know. None were from family.

There was one from Tyler though, which surprised him. Tyler hadn't mentioned a letter while he was here. Josh opened the envelope carefully and slipped out the single sheet of folded white paper inside. As soon as he'd unfolded it, tears burned at his eyes.

There wasn't much writing, only one scribbled out line: "Just until I can come see you in person again." Below the writing, Tyler had traced around his hand, giving Josh the ability to hold onto it even when Tyler couldn't physically be here. Josh pressed his own hand on top of the tracing of Tyler's, feeling like his heart was going to explode in his chest as he did so. He wiped stubbornly at the tear that slipped down his cheek with the hand not currently pressed against the sheet of paper in front of him. A whisper of a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. This was such a dumb thing to cry over, but at the same time, this was probably the nicest thing anyone had ever thought to do for him.

Josh couldn't stop touching that piece of paper for the rest of the day. He kept it tucked inside his pocket wherever he went, and when he went to sleep that night, it was under his pillow. It was easier to cope with the things that overwhelmed him during the day when he knew Tyler's hand was always within reach if he needed it. He wasn't alone. Someone out there loved him, and that was why he was going to get better and stay better. If he had any chance at all of living outside of this prison and seeing Tyler whenever he wanted to, he was going to take it. Every drop of effort was worth it so long as Josh got to hold onto Tyler's hand in the end.