***Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts/thoughts of self harm and PTSD.***

Start the song. It's When the Family Flies In by Julia Jacklin.

The lights had gone out ages ago, but Josh still hadn't closed his eyes. He just stared tiredly at the little window on his cell door, trying to convince himself that it was possible to fall asleep without seeing a pipe bashing into an already crushed skull. So far, he'd been unable to escape the nightmares that always seemed to be able to find him.

Josh wished he could call Tyler again. Everything would be so much better if he could just talk to Tyler. At the very least, he wished there was a guard on duty who actually gave a shit about him. He wanted to be around someone he could actually talk to. He was alone though, and it didn't look like that was going to change anytime soon.

Slowly, Josh's exhaustion started to tug his eyelids down without his consent. It seemed like he only blinked before he was sitting up in bed, drenched in sweat and having to scream himself awake. A panic attack followed as he tried to remind himself that it was just a memory, just a nightmare, just his brain forgetting that the riot wasn't still happening around him.

The guard on duty either didn't hear him or didn't care. He didn't even walk by Josh's cell to make sure he was safe. A familiar helplessness crept up on Josh, scraping the insides of his ribs with blunt fingernails as he choked on his breaths. He needed to get out of here. The room just kept getting smaller, wrapping its hands around his throat and choking the life out of him. Each of the walls seemed to have blue eyes, and Josh felt like he was dying.

Maybe it was instinct from years of feeling this way, years of being ignored when he needed help, years of not knowing if anyone would even care if he was around, but Josh shot out of bed, digging through his desk and shuffling through his bookshelf to find the one candle he hadn't sent to Tyler after losing their bet about which of his teeth was fake.

He knocked the glass of the prayer candle hard against the floor, looking nervously at the door to make sure the guard hadn't heard anything when it shattered. When no one immediately came running, Josh gathered up the shards of glass from the floor, not caring if they nicked his fingers and palms as he did so. He then dug through them until he found one large enough and sharp enough to cause some real damage.

Although Josh had done this a million times, he hesitated this time. This had never exactly worked for him, obviously, since he was still alive. It might make his mom finally come in, which he wanted so badly he almost couldn't stand it, but Tyler would be worried. Hoppus would be worried. Frangipane would be worried. Abbie would be worried. Was upsetting all of those people worth the chance of seeing his mom for fifteen minutes before being ushered off to spend the next three days on suicide watch?

Josh turned the shard of glass around in his hand so he could look at it more closely. It was sharp. It might actually be able to do the job, or at the very least, to distract him from those blue eyes for a while. Was that worth it?

After taking a deep breath in and blowing it out, Josh gathered up all of the glass into his hands again before dropping every last shard of it into the trash bin by his desk. He felt like he was on the verge of a breakdown as he dug through his desk for a minute before procuring an empty sketchpad and some pencils. He hadn't really given himself permission to draw for a very long time, but tonight was different. Tonight, this sketchpad was the only thing standing between him and the infirmary, so he drew until the buzzers went off to wake the inmates up and the lights came on.

The sketchbook was absolutely full now. Not all of the drawings were great, but it had still felt good to put them on paper. It felt even better when his cell door opened a few moments later to let him know he had a visitor. He tossed his drawings to the side and allowed himself to be cuffed and led out to the visiting room.

It sounded so pathetic, but Josh was so relieved to see Tyler that he felt tears sting his eyes as his cuffs were removed. Before Tyler could even greet him in his usual chipper tone, Josh was hugging him tightly. Tyler hugged him back without hesitation, softly rubbing Josh's back.

"Hey, I'm happy to see you too. Are you okay?" Tyler greeted softly.

Josh wanted to cry when Tyler's fingers played idly with the hair at the nape of his neck. Finally, after a whole night of terror, he felt safe. He squeezed his eyes shut when he felt Tyler press a kiss to the top of his head like he had a million times before. The last thing Josh wanted to do right now was cry, but he also knew that his body was actively trying to betray him on that.

"No," Josh admitted, knowing that Tyler wasn't going to make fun of him or tell him to get over it.

"How can I help?" Tyler asked warmly, making Josh's nervous system settle down slightly.

He shook his head, which still rested against Tyler's shoulder. "I don't know. Just be here, I guess."

"I can do that," Tyler replied easily, not releasing his grip on Josh for even a second. "Do you want to talk about it?" He added gently, no pressure behind the words.

Josh squeezed his eyes shut tight, suddenly aware of the fact that he had a death grip on the back of Tyler's shirt. Tyler didn't seem afraid of him though, and his hand was gentle as it continued to soothe through Josh's hair, down his neck, down to the space between his shoulder blades, and back up. It was just the very tips of his fingers that were touching Josh like this, which was more soothing than Josh could even fully comprehend.

"Only my family is cleared to visit me if I'm on suicide watch," Josh blurted out, feeling too much dread to remember to be embarrassed. "They wouldn't let you."

Tyler was quiet for a second before quietly asking, "Would you benefit from being on suicide watch right now?"

The truth felt so ridiculous once Josh said it out loud. "Not if you can't come in."

Once again, Tyler was quiet as he considered that. His hand never stopped soothing Josh, and he never stopped hugging him despite his silence. Tears burned at Josh's eyes when Tyler pressed another light kiss to the top of his head.

"I think the most important thing right now is to make sure that you have all the tools you need to feel safe. It's really important that you do the things that benefit your mental health right now if you're feeling unsafe. What can we do right now to help you remember that you're safe?" Tyler asked patiently.

Some part of Josh knew that Tyler was repeating the word "safe" on purpose, but he was too relieved that Tyler wanted to help him to feel annoyed by that. Tyler would help him through this. Tyler would keep him safe. Somehow, he couldn't find the words though. He couldn't think of anything that would make him feel safe apart from having Tyler right here.

When Josh didn't respond, Tyler tried a different approach. "Can you tell me what's making you feel unsafe?"

Josh's bottom lip trembled. "I just want to sleep. I'm so tired, but I can't stop having nightmares. I want it to stop. How do I make it stop?"

The steady rhythm of Tyler's hand against his skin was the only thing keeping Josh grounded and relatively calm right now, but Tyler could only be here for fifteen minutes. This was a temporary comfort. Josh couldn't rely on it very much.

"You still don't have a therapist?" Tyler checked.

"No," Josh whispered against Tyler's shirt, keeping his eyes closed tightly.

"Is there any way around the family only rule?" Tyler asked hopefully.

Josh shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't really pay that much attention to it since my mom was the only person who came in to see me, and she had already been my emergency contact since juvie."

Tyler hesitated before asking, "What if I was your emergency contact?"

Josh's eyes opened immediately, wide with shock when he looked up at Tyler, whose hand froze in the middle of Josh's back. "I don't.... My mom would kill both of us," Josh pointed out. He paused before admitting, "She'd have to actually come in here to figure that out though, and she hasn't been here in over a month."

"Is she your only emergency contact?" Tyler asked curiously.

Josh shook his head slowly. "I guess my dad still is too." He was silent for a moment before realizing aloud, "I don't think anyone would even notice if I took him off the list. You could take his place on it since you're in here more than he is anyway. It kind of makes more sense for you to be my emergency contact since you see me more than anyone else. You'd probably be the first to know if something was wrong anyway."

"You don't have to put me on your list if you don't want to, but you could at least be on watch without having to worry about me not coming in if I was. That way you could be safe without feeling abandoned," Tyler reasoned carefully, once again applying no pressure.

Josh nodded. "Okay," he agreed. "Let's do that then."

"Okay," Tyler agreed too. He pressed another kiss to the top of Josh's head before admitting, "I just really want you to be safe, so I'm willing to jump through whatever hoops we need to in order to make that happen. Your health and safety are important, so we need to make those a priority, okay?"

"Okay," Josh replied quietly, hoping against hope that Tyler wouldn't notice how hard he was trying not to cry right now. He swallowed the lump in his throat before adding, "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. This is what people do when they love you. They make sure you know that you don't have to suffer through the hard stuff on your own, and they celebrate with you when things get better. This is what I signed up for the first time I came in here, and I've always been okay with that. In fact, I'm really happy to help. You're important to me, and I want to make sure that you know that," Tyler told him softly.

"I trust you," Josh replied easily.

A slight smile tugged at the corners of his lips when Tyler hugged him a bit tighter. "I trust you too."

Despite not really knowing the guard who'd brought him in here very much, the guard didn't tell him to sit down or that he shouldn't be touching Tyler right now. Maybe he could see how much more relaxed Josh was now that Tyler was here, or maybe he just didn't care, but Josh had never been more grateful in his life.

They didn't speak again for a couple minutes. Tyler just kept soothing Josh with his fingertips and holding him close until Josh's breathing was finally stable again. Josh wondered if Tyler had known somehow that touching Josh right now was the best way to keep him from falling apart. He didn't feel alone right now like he had in his cell. He didn't feel abandoned. In fact, he was starting to feel a little bit drowsy now that he was so calm.

"You can always call me if you need me, okay? I'm here for you. I'm always here for you," Tyler told him softly after a while.

Josh nodded against Tyler's shoulder, his hands still loosely gripping the back of Tyler's shirt. "I'm here for you too," he promised.

"I know. Thank you for that," Tyler replied warmly. "I'm proud of you for being honest with me about how you're feeling and keeping yourself safe in the meantime. I know that probably wasn't easy for you, but I really appreciate it."

Josh smiled slightly, willing the scent of Tyler's cologne to stay with him for the rest of the day. "Thanks."

"How are you feeling now?" Tyler asked patiently.

"Lots better," Josh told him honestly. "Kind of tired, actually."

He smiled when Tyler chuckled. "Well, maybe you can take a nap when I leave, and maybe you'll have good dreams now that you're feeling calm and safe."

"Yeah, maybe," Josh agreed quietly.

"Should we see about changing your emergency contact information then in case you need to be put on watch sometime soon?" Tyler asked, absolutely no judgement or disappointment in his voice when he talked about Josh potentially feeling suicidal. He just understood, but of course he did. He'd been there before too.

"Okay," Josh agreed easily.

Tyler didn't leave the prison until Josh's paperwork clearly stated that Tyler was allowed to come visit him if he was on watch. His number was added to the list of people who would be informed if Josh was in any way unsafe. Before he left, he hugged Josh really tight again and told him, "Call me if you need me, okay? Or even if you just want to talk. I promise that you're never inconveniencing me by talking to me, and I never get tired of talking to you. I have your back. Always. I promise. I love you too much to ever abandon you when you need help."

Josh was still replaying those words in his mind when he climbed back into his bed a few minutes later. He pulled the covers up over himself as he repeated over and over again in his mind, "You're safe. Tyler loves you, and he'll help you if need him to."

Repeating those words allowed Josh to drift off to sleep and into a dream where he was in his mom's backyard, walking barefoot across the cool green grass with Tyler's hand holding his loosely. It wasn't anything big. They were just talking calmly about Tyler's nieces, books, etc. It was the safest dream Josh could ever remember having though, and he slept like a baby for hours because of it. Finally, he could be at peace while he slept, all because he knew Tyler would always be here if he needed him. Josh was slowly starting to realize that he'd never loved anyone in the way that he loved Tyler.