***Trigger warning for mentions of self-harm scars.***

Wait to start the song.

The time to decide if Tyler was going to go back to seeing clients in the same office or not was rapidly approaching. Unfortunately, there were a couple things holding him back from making his decision.

Number one was obviously that he would have to come clean to Abbie about why he'd left for a month and requested that she be added to Patrick's client list and removed from his own. He and Patrick both saw clients for the same counseling center, in the same building, during the same hours, in offices right next to each other. There was no escaping the reality that their paths would cross again eventually, and it wasn't fair to Abbie for Tyler to hand her over to another therapist without giving her an explanation.

Number two was that Tyler still wasn't sure if he was stable enough to be able to sit through difficult sessions without his own issues clouding his head. He was fortunate enough to know that he could take another month off and continue to rely on his parents and his savings if he chose to do so, but he still didn't like giving into that option. He had grown accustomed to standing on his own two feet, and he didn't know how long he could continue to sacrifice that freedom before his parents would take advantage of the situation either.

Time was running out, but Tyler decided to choose the unspoken third option, which was to remain in denial of the approaching deadline and to go visit Josh again instead. That option was immensely more appealing than the ones that preceded it. In fact, Tyler was so fond of this option that he chose it nearly every day. He visited Josh so frequently now that the guards were starting to recognize him, and Josh was no longer as reserved around him. He smiled more, he hugged Tyler with less hesitation, and he seemed more comfortable telling Tyler more personal details about his family, his childhood, his day to day life behind bars, etc.

Tyler had promised Josh a couple days ago that he'd come back today, and he intended to keep that promise. He'd missed a couple days the week before due to migraines, but he wasn't going to miss any days this week if he could help it. That was his goal, at least. He was going to come see Josh every single day this week, and he just had to hope his health would allow him that privilege.

If it were up to him, Tyler would've been at the prison first thing this morning to see Josh before anything could convince Josh that today wasn't going to be a good day. Tyler had noticed pretty early on that it didn't take a lot to shut Josh down, but his optimism rose dramatically if he started his day off with a positive visit from Tyler. Unfortunately, Tyler had been asked to babysit P until four today, so he wasn't going to be able to reassure Josh before the day really started that it could be a good day. The likelihood of Josh being in a good mood was significantly lessened with every additional hour he spent sitting alone in his cell. Hopefully. Tyler could cheer him up if that was the case today.

Start the song. It's Bag of Bones by Mitski.

It immediately became clear to Tyler when he walked into the visiting room that his prediction was spot on. Josh looked completely drained as he allowed the guard to take his cuffs off for him, and he didn't hesitate or say anything before he hugged Tyler tightly. Tyler hugged back immediately, resting his cheek atop Josh's head when the other man didn't let go right away like he usually did. Today must have been particularly bad.

"Hey, sorry it took so long for me to get here. I promise I came as quickly as I could," Tyler told Josh as softly as he could without making Josh uncomfortable.

"It's okay," Josh replied quietly, sounding just as exhausted as he looked. He cleared his throat before moving to release Tyler, looking incredibly embarrassed that he'd hugged him in the first place. "Sorry," he blurted out instinctually.

Tyler shook his head, gently pulling Josh back into another hug. He felt Josh's muscles relax as he did so. "You don't have to say sorry. It's like I tell you every time, I'm not afraid of you. You can always hug me. I'm not going to judge you or get mad at you. I'll just hug you back."

"Right. Sorry," Josh replied quietly, making Tyler smile slightly as he hugged Josh a little tighter.

"Rough day?" Tyler asked carefully.

"Fuck today," Josh grumbled out against Tyler's shoulder.

Tyler hummed his understanding. "Really rough day. Got it. Do you want to talk about it, or did you just need a hug? I'm happy to help however I can."

Pretty early on in his visits with Josh, Tyler had learned that it was important to verbally reassure Josh that it was okay for him to talk about how he was feeling and that doing so wasn't in any way an inconvenience or burden for Tyler. That wasn't always enough to keep Josh from psyching himself out, but it was a start.

Josh sighed. "I don't know. Talking would probably help, but it would also mean having to think about it again, which I don't want to do."

"That's completely understandable," Tyler reassured him empathetically. "I think you'll probably wind up thinking about it anyway, but you don't have to talk to me about anything you don't want to. I'm not gonna push it."

"Dude, how are you real?" Josh asked him seriously, but Tyler could hear the smile in his voice.

Tyler laughed. "Oh, god. That's a whole different topic. You've had the birds and the bees talk, right?"

He smiled widely when Josh laughed, apparently feeling stable enough to break the hug now. They wandered over to the table and sat down on opposite sides as Josh told him amusedly, "Actually, no, but I get the gist of it."

Tyler grinned, not saying anything when Josh's fingertips touched his lightly across the table before his hand was being turned over for Josh's fingertips to explore his palm. It seemed like the longer Tyler knew Josh, the less Josh tried to hide how badly he craved physical closeness. He tended to play with Tyler's hands when he came in or to hug him for as long as he thought he could get away with. Tyler never called Josh out on it or said anything to make him feel like he wasn't allowed to touch him. Truth be told, Tyler missed the timid affection as soon as he stepped out of the visiting room. So for now, he just continued to speak calmly as he allowed Josh to trace the lines on his palm.

"There's no sex talk in juvie?" Tyler asked, half out of curiosity and half because he knew Josh would blush if he said 'sex' out loud (he did).

"The talk in juvie is to keep your hands to yourself so you don't get a disease and die," Josh informed him. "My mom's was very similar. She said to keep your hands to yourself so you don't get a disease and die and go to Hell."

"She must be fun at parties," Tyler commented, relishing in the genuine laugh that escaped Josh's lips and made his eyes crinkle at the corners.

"She's the worst," Josh agreed. He was silent for a moment then, looking far less amused than he had before.

Tyler frowned. "She still hasn't come in to see you?" He asked knowingly.

Josh shook his head, keeping his eyes fixed stubbornly on Tyler's palm to hide the tears that Tyler could already see forming in them. "Nope."

"I'm sorry, Josh. You deserve better than that. I know everyone says this, but it's honestly her loss. She's missing out on having a really good guy for a son. I feel bad for her that she's wasting so much time that she could be spending with you. It's such a loss," Tyler replied gently.

Josh shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe it's for the best." He held his breath for a second before admitting, "My little brother came in to see me today."

"How did that go?" Tyler asked, trying to remain upbeat despite having heard firsthand how little Jordan cared for his big brother.

"It fucked with my head a lot," Josh replied tiredly. "He kept going back and forth on whether he loved me or wanted me to kill myself. It was giving me whiplash. I just keep remembering him telling me I should've died in the fire. He's probably right, but it still sucks to hear it from him."

"He isn't right," Tyler interjected quickly. "I can understand him feeling angry or betrayed, but you've been working really hard to turn your life around, and he doesn't get to take that from you. You didn't die in that fire for a reason, and that reason isn't for you to spend the rest of your life wishing you had. It's so you can have a better life than you were living before. You have earned the right to have a good life. You've earned forgiveness."

Josh nodded minutely, not saying much in response though. His fingertips traced the slight ridge of the scar that marked Tyler's wrist. They both had those, both for the same reason. Josh's fingers tended to gravitate toward the familiar scar when he was feeling too vulnerable. It had taken Tyler a while to realize that was the reason behind the action, but he was pretty sure now. He took the cue and changed the subject.

"What was one good thing that happened today?" He asked, mentally noting that Josh's fingertips left the scar and returned to his palm upon hearing the new subject be proposed.

A tiny sigh of relief left his lips. "I got to go outside for an hour today," he reported, smiling when Tyler beamed and squeezed his hand lightly before relaxing his hand for Josh to fiddle with again.

"Dude! That's awesome! How was it? It's been warming up a little lately. You might have actually grass to stand on in a month or so," Tyler replied cheerfully, simultaneously mourning and delighting in the way Josh lit up at the idea of seeing grass again.

"It was really cool," Josh informed him. "I got to toss a football around with Blackett for a while. I haven't done that in a long time, so it was fun."

That was generally as in depth as Josh's reports were, but it still made Tyler smile. "You didn't freeze your ass off?" He teased.

"Not all of it," Josh teased back, smiling proudly when the response made Tyler laugh. "How was P today?"

Something about the fact that Josh never failed to remember the details Tyler told him about his life was incredibly comforting for Tyler. He really listened when Tyler spoke, and he made sure Tyler knew he was truly being heard. It was strange, but even from behind bars, Josh seemed to be the most present person in Tyler's life. Tyler thought about him constantly, filing away funny things he heard during the day or interesting facts that Josh might enjoy. Whenever something happened in his life, he was always excited to tell Josh about it. He tried not to read too far into that, simply revelling in the fact that Josh seemed to feel the same way.

"She still has a cold, but she was really cheerful all day. Well, most of the day. She did throw mashed sweet potatoes at me during lunch," Tyler reported. "Then she was fussy because she was hungry."

"That's not her fault. Sweet potatoes are disgusting. Babies do have taste buds, dude," Josh replied amusedly.

Tyler rolled his eyes. "One, they're not gross. Two, if we listened to P's tastebuds all the time, she'd live off of applesauce and Teddy Grahams."

"That's not a bad way to live," Josh pointed out. He chuckled then. "Fuck. They still make Teddy Grahams? I forgot about those."

Tyler laughed too. "Hell yeah. The entire nation would riot if those didn't exist anymore."

Josh's smile faltered slightly at the sound of the word "riot," but he recovered quickly with a deep breath. Tyler squeezed his hand again, making Josh's suddenly stiff shoulders relax again.

"I'm sorry. Poor phrasing," Tyler apologized carefully, silently cursing himself for not considering whether or not that word would trigger Josh. "You're safe now. I promise."

Josh nodded, having to drink in another deep breath as he squeezed Tyler's hand back slightly. Tyler didn't let go this time, knowing Josh needed the touch in order to ground himself.

"Still with me?" Tyler asked gently after a moment.

Josh nodded. "Y-yep," he replied a bit shakily. He opened his eyes again, looking at their hands instead of at Tyler's face. "I'm guh-g-good-d. Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. That was my bad. You handled it so well though, and I'm really proud of you. I promise I'll try to be better about not using words that might trigger you, okay? I don't ever want you to feel like you aren't safe when I'm here. Or ever, really. Basically, I want you to be happy all the time, but that's not realistic, so I'll settle for just trying to help you know that you're never alone, even when I'm not physically here," Tyler stated calmly, making Josh finally relax enough to brave a small smile.

"Thanks," Josh replied quietly. "I want you to feel that kinda stuff too."

Knowing that this was the best way Josh knew how to express that sentiment without making himself feel too vulnerable, Tyler smiled softly. "Thank you," he replied sincerely. His smile widened when Josh nodded, his eyes shooting to look around the room instead of at Tyler in order to avoid further vulnerability despite the fact that his hand squeezed Tyler's lightly as he did so.

Talking to Josh was a little bit challenging for Tyler because he had a tendency to almost let Tyler in, only to panic and close himself off again within a fraction of a second. It was by no means too much of a challenge to be worth the effort, but it was a bit like playing emotional hide and seek.

"Do you know if the prison has found any new therapists?" Tyler asked curiously.

"They've found a couple," Josh told him. He hesitated before adding, "They're all guys so far."

Tyler nodded, frowning slightly. He couldn't blame any of the female counsellors in the area for being hesitant to work in an all-male prison that had just experienced a riot, but he also couldn't believe that no one was coming forward to help the guys in here who'd been traumatized by the event. Maybe he just felt protective since he knew Josh didn't do well with male counselors, but he was frustrated.

"I'm really sorry, Josh. I know that having a therapist would probably make this a little easier for you," Tyler empathized.

Josh shrugged. "I don't usually have a therapist for longer than a month anyway. It's hard to get people to come in here on good days, so I'm not really surprised that counselors are scarce after the r-riot."

Tyler sighed, squeezing Josh's hand again. "Well, you can always talk to me. I can't be your counselor or anything, but I'm always here for you. You know that, right?"

Josh nodded slightly. "Thanks," he said once again. He pushed his hair back tiredly with the hand not still holding Tyler's. "Can I tell you something stupid?"

"You can tell me anything," Tyler insisted.

"It's dumb since I'm an adult and shit, but I wish my mom would at least come in. Even if she just yelled at me the whole time. It's been over a month though, and she doesn't even seem to care if I survived the...everything. It feels like she's just decided to make peace with the idea of me being dead so she doesn't have to come in. That...really fucking sucks," Josh admitted timidly, not seeming to realize he was squeezing Tyler's hand tighter and tighter with every word until Tyler gently soothed his thumb along Josh's to ground him again. He instantly relaxed his grip on Tyler's hand and murmured, "Shit. Sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry, and that's not a stupid thing to say. I would want my mom to come see me after something like that too, and she's one of my least favourite people on the planet. I think that's instinct. Your parents are supposed to protect you and make you feel safe, and it isn't your fault that your mom doesn't do that for you. It's okay that you wish she would. It's natural. Even if you can't control what she says or does, you're not dumb for wishing she would," Tyler clarified calmly. "What about Hoppus's wife? Could she come talk to you?"

"Maybe," Josh replied quietly. "I mean, she would probably definitely come in if I asked her to, but I don't like making her feel like she has to worry about me. She already has to take care of Jack. I don't want to like...." He trailed off, but Tyler understood.

"But you're afraid that if you ask for too much, she'll decide she doesn't want to stick around," Tyler finished for Josh, earning a tiny begrudged nod in response. "I've never met her, so I can't say this for certain, but from what I've heard you say about her, I don't think she sees being your mom as a burden, and I don't think you could push her away even if you tried. I can understand why that's a genuine fear for you though. You've lost parents at crucial times in your life before. The idea of having parents who genuinely love you must be kind of scary after going through that."

"People leave. That's how life works," Josh replied quietly, not meeting Tyler's gaze once again.

"Yeah they do," Tyler agreed, surprising Josh so much that his eyes flicked over to Tyler's immediately. "Everyone leaves. That's true. The thing is though, the ones who truly love you will always come back. Hoppus always comes back. Skye always comes back. I always come back. We may not be able to be here all the time, but there's nothing you could ever do that would make us stop coming back. I promise."

Josh studied Tyler's face carefully for a moment before nodding stiffly. "Yeah, I know," he surrendered.

"You're worth coming back for," Tyler reminded him.

"Thanks," Josh replied tentatively. His hand shifted in Tyler's until his fingertips touched the scar on his wrist again. "Are you doing okay?" He added, searching Tyler's face carefully, but Tyler wasn't sure what for.

"I feel better on the days I can come talk to you," he admitted honestly. "I don't really like to be home that much. The house feels really empty. It's kind of hard to sleep there most of the time."

"You're not still sleeping on the floor though, right?" Josh asked.

Tyler chuckled. He'd told Josh that he'd slept on the floor for part of the first night he slept at home without Jenna, and ever since, Josh always checked in to make sure he wasn't doing that anymore. He'd seemed genuinely worried the first time Tyler told him that, repeatedly telling him that he was giving Jenna too much power. Tyler hadn't told Josh that he'd only had the courage to get back into bed after having a dream that Josh was in that bed too. He still had to think about how he'd felt in that dream in order to fall asleep most nights.

"I'm sleeping in my bed," he assured Josh easily, still smiling around the words. "How are you sleeping?"

Josh shrugged. "Fine," he replied, which was code for "I'm not sleeping."

Tyler hummed dubiously. "So not much?"

Josh shrugged again. "I sleep," he replied. He hesitated again before adding, "I just don't sleep for very long."

Tyler tutted quietly, making Josh smile slightly. "Hmmm. That's what I thought. How can I help?"

"I don't know," Josh replied. "Lobotomy, maybe?

Tyler smirked, and Josh smiled widely. "Well, shit. I'm not qualified to give lobotomies. I can give you a hug though."

"Close enough," Josh decided.

The guard was giving Tyler the same look he always got when it was time for him to go. He stood up from the bench though and met Josh halfway into a tight hug. It was becoming something of a habit for Tyler to kiss the top of Josh's head when he hugged him goodbye. Josh never commented on it, too busy soaking in the feeling of being held safely in those last few moments before he went back to solitary.

"Call me if you need anything before I come back tomorrow morning, okay?" Tyler told him softly.

He felt Josh nod against his shoulder. "I will."

"Try to call Skye if you need her, okay? I promise she'll be happy to help. She loves you," Tyler reminded him.

"I will," Josh promised.

"And try to get some rest tonight. I promise I'll be back in the morning to hug you again," Tyler continued.

"You need to sleep too," Josh pointed out. "Not on the floor."

Tyler smiled. "Okay. I promise. Hey, I'm proud of you."

"Thanks," Josh mumbled against Tyler's shoulder. "I'm proud of you too."

Tyler smiled, kissing the top of Josh's head again. "I'll be back tomorrow, okay? I wish I could stay longer, but I'm getting the look."

"That's okay. I'll see you tomorrow," Josh replied, releasing Tyler with a quiet huff before walking over to the guard, who immediately started to cuff him again.

"Yes, you will!" Tyler insisted. He was already walking to the door as he said, "Bye, Josh. Love you."

The last two words slipped out instinctually from all the time he'd been spending with his family. It took both men by surprise. Even the guard raised his eyebrows. Tyler blinked in shock, too gobsmacked by his own words to even consider taking them back.

After a very tense fifteen seconds, Josh quietly said, "Um, bye. Love you too."

Tyler hoped his smile didn't look as panicked as it felt, but he still felt anxious as he went back through security and left the prison. He really hoped he hadn't just fucked everything up by saying two words without thinking. He kept picking at the memory like a scab as he drove home. It wasn't until he was lying in his bed that night that he realized he'd said the words because they were true. He didn't know if he loved Josh like a friend, a brother, a boyfriend. He had no clue. All he knew was that he couldn't take that statement back without lying to Josh, and he refused to hide any more of the truth from Josh than he already was.