***Trigger warnings for mentions of past self harm and suicide attempts, mentions of self harm scars, and suicidal thoughts.***

Start the song. It's Bad Blood by Rosie Diamond.

A month. Josh didn't hear a single word from any member of his family for a month. It wasn't by any means a record for him, but it was proof that his dad wasn't going to let him see Abbie again for a very long time. It was March now, and Josh hadn't even heard her voice over the phone.

If it wasn't for Tyler, Josh would probably be in the morgue by now, his corpse rotting away as no one came in to claim it. For the past month, he'd been seeing Tyler at least four times every single week, not including the times he hadn't shown up due to migraines but had called as soon as he was able to. For a month, he'd remained constant. He'd given Josh some semblance of stability that he'd been severely lacking for a very long time. If Tyler said he was going to be there, he was, and if he wasn't, he always called as soon as he could to make sure Josh knew why. Josh needed that.

After a month of feeling absolute relief and safety at the announcement of a visitor, of Tyler, Josh was led into the visiting room to see the very last person he would ever expect to find in this place. He didn't say a word as Blackett uncuffed him, and the uncomfortable silence lingered as he stiffly sat down at the visiting table. His visitor looked half frightened and half hesitant, swallowing nervously as he studied Josh's face carefully with dark eyes.

"Hey," Josh said finally, his voice small and tight.

"Hi," Jordan replied quietly, shifting anxiously in his seat. "I-um-Abbie wanted me to come make sure you're alive."

Then Josh understood. Jordan wasn't here because he wanted to be. He was here because Abbie needed him to do this for her. He wasn't here as Josh's little brother. He was here as Abbie's big brother. There was a difference.

"I'm okay. Is she?" Josh asked nervously, looking down at his hands instead of at his brother.

Jordan was quiet for a moment, still watching Josh like he was expecting him to snap and kill everyone in the room at any second. He was absolutely terrified to be here with Josh, too frightened to even remember to hide how afraid he was. Josh felt sick.

"Sort of," Jordan replied quietly, pushing his wild curls off of his forehead with a shaky hand.

Jordan flinched when Josh stood from the table, watching in fearful confusion as Josh walked back over to Blackett. He held his wrists out to the guard. "Can you put the cuffs back on so he knows he doesn't have to be scared?" He asked Blackett quietly.

Blackett seemed surprised by this request, but he did it anyway. He glanced at Jordan as he closed the cuffs, not seeming to understand why this boy who could easily be a carbon copy of Josh was so afraid of him.

Jordan was silent when Josh sat back down in front of him, setting his cuffed wrists down on top of the table. When Jordan still didn't speak, Josh told him, "I'm not going to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. If you don't believe that though, just know that these cuffs are locked on, and my hands have to stay on the table where the guards can see them. Plus, that guy over there wouldn't let anyone hurt you. That's his job."

The younger boy nodded, looking at the cuffs locked around Josh's wrists. His expression changed then, and Josh didn't understand why until Jordan's trembling fingers were touching the plethora of scars covering his forearms so gently that it almost seemed like he thought they'd detonate at any moment.

"You did this?" Jordan asked so quietly that Josh's ears almost didn't pick up the sound.

He looked down at the pink and white lines and splotches that marred his skin beyond repair. He cleared his throat. "Um, yeah. Most of them."

Jordan's bushy eyebrows drew together for a brief second as he touched the ridge of the scar that had once been cause for blood transfusions. "Abbie has scars like this too," he whispered. "On her legs. Not her arms. Mom doesn't know. I promised not to tell."

Josh's heart dropped. "Recently?" He asked worriedly.

"I promised a few months ago, but some of hers are new. She doesn't always come talk to me before like she promised she would," Jordan confided without even seeming to think about what he was saying.

"That's a dangerous secret to keep," Josh told his brother carefully. "That's heavy too if it's only you guys who know. That's a lot for two kids to carry."

"I'm not a kid," Jordan argued.

Josh shook his head, letting out a breath. "You are. You both are. That's not meant to be an insult. I guess that would've pissed me off to hear at your age too. I don't.... What I mean is that you're too young to have to shoulder something like that."

"I'm her big brother. It's my job the be there for her," Jordan defending himself sharply, the words digging into wounds that had already been festering for a month.

"Yeah. I guess that's true. She's lucky to have you," Josh replied quietly, watching his fingers pick at the thumbnail on his left hand. "Sorry I can't be that kind of big brother for you guys. You deserve better."

"You're not really my brother at all," Jordan replied coldly, and Josh forced himself to swallow that down.

That was Jordan's decision. He didn't have to be Josh's brother if he didn't want to be. If he was happier without Josh in his life, Josh would respect that. He had to. He at least owed Jordan that much.

"Okay," he replied quietly, still not looking at Jordan. He swallowed hard before nodding. "If you're happier like that, that's okay. You get to pick your family when you get older if the one you have lets you down, so I understand if you don't want me in yours. That's okay. I'll respect that."

Jordan was quiet, tears filling his eyes as he pulled the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands. "If I wasn't here for Abbie," he began shakily, "I'd tell you that I hate you, and that I'm never going to forgive you for ruining our lives."

In an instant, Josh felt like a raw nerve being held to an open flame. Everything in him felt scorched and barren, but he forced himself to nod instead of breaking down. He looked up at Jordan, who he now realized was crying.

"I'd tell you that you scare the shit out of me, and I hate the idea of Abbie growing up to be anything like you. I'd tell you that people torture me because they can't torture you. People light my stuff on fire and beat me up. Last year, two guys lit my backpack on fire while I was wearing it because of you. I've been punched in the street for being your brother. I have nightmares about you coming home, and I hope you rot in here. I never want to sleep under the same roof as you again because I'd rather kill myself than have to deal with all of this all over again. I hate that my baby sister wants to be like you. I hate that she wears your clothes and swears at Mom like you did. I hate that she gets in fights and makes me keep secrets for her. I hate that she has anything in common with you. I hate that we have to share DNA with you. I hate you so much."

Josh was silent as he listened to every word, remaining absolutely still as he watched his little brother sob out the most painful words he'd ever heard. He could feel himself shaking too, but he didn't interrupt, didn't try to defend himself. Jordan needed this. He needed this anger to keep him going, and Josh wouldn't take that away from him.

"I hate that I saw you leave our house before the fire and didn't stop you. I hate that Mom still cries about what you did. I hate that you ruined our family so badly that Mom and Dad got divorced. I hate that you're always on suicide watch but never actually die. I hate that I might have to walk the same streets as you again. I hate that you look like me. I hate that Andrew is a better big brother to me than you ever were. I hate you. I hate you so much that I almost can't stand it," Jordan sobbed out, glaring at Josh with so much rage that it made Josh shrink backward. Another sob ripped through his chest before he admitted, "And I hate that no matter what, some part of me still loves you and wants you to get better."

Josh closed his eyes for a second to focus on remembering how to make his lungs function again. When he opened his eyes, he could feel the tears making his eyelashes dewy. Finally, he said weakly, "I hate me too. I hate what I did too. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but it's okay if you don't forgive me. You don't have to. You can hate me. I get it. I do. Hate me as much as you need to. I understand."

"You should've died in that fire, Josh," Jordan told him harshly, the words causing Josh to flinch.

"I know," Josh whispered. "I know."

"Abbie won't end up like you. I won't let her. I'll do everything I have to do to make sure she doesn't wind up anything like you. She's a good person, and her life matters. She's not like you. She'll never be like you," Jordan spat at him.

Josh nodded. "I know. I know she's better. I know."

"She should hate you too," Jordan told him.

"Yeah. She should," Josh whispered, feeling dizzy and nauseous.

Heavy silence hung between them, and Josh wanted all of the scars on his wrists to open up and drain him until he wasn't a source of stress for Jordan anymore. He wanted to fix all of this so Jordan wouldn't have to suffer anymore, but he didn't know how. He had no fucking clue how. Jordan was so tense that Josh half expected him to crack in half, but he didn't. He just stared at the tabletop with tears in his eyes.

"You don't have to stay for the whole thirty minutes if you don't want to. You can just go home, tell Abbie I'm alive, and never talk to me again. That's okay. You can do that. I understand," Josh reminded Jordan distantly.

Jordan didn't move, didn't even look up from the table. "Josh?" He asked in a tiny voice.

"Yeah?" Josh replied weakly.

Jordan's bottom lip trembled. "I don't hate you," he whispered. "I wish I did, but I don't. I'm scared of you, and I'm pissed at you, but I don't hate you. I don't think it's possible for me to really hate you. You're my big brother. I love you, even if that scares me."

"I love you too," Josh whispered back, his nails digging into his hand as he did so.

Jordan reached out to touch Josh's scars gently, tears still rolling down his cheeks. "You've gotta stop doing this," he whispered. "It's gonna kill you."

"Maybe that's a good thing," Josh replied, feeling numb and distant. Guilt swelled inside of him the more he talked. Tyler would never let him talk about himself this way. "Then no one would have to worry about me anymore. You can all just move on. I've fucked a lot of stuff up for you guys, and I don't know how to fix it. At least if I wasn't around there would be no way for me to cause more damage, right? And it's not exactly like you guys need me around. You wouldn't miss me."

"It doesn't work like that," Jordan told him simply. "Mom wouldn't survive that. Abbie wouldn't survive that. Ashley would be destroyed, and I would never forgive you."

They were silent again, neither boy willing to defend their case any further than they already had. There was nothing left to argue. Josh was a liability to his family, but they couldn't carry his death around on their consciences either. Josh loved his family, but there was no way for him to stop being a burden to them. No matter what, no one was going to win.

Finally, Josh got the nerve to ask, "What if I promised you that you're never gonna have to live with me again? If I told you that even if I got out in June, I wouldn't make you sleep under the same roof as me?"

"You can't promise that. Where else would you even go?" Jordan asked weakly, slumping defeatedly in his chair.

"I'll figure it out," Josh replied simply, not sure if he wanted to tell Jordan about his adoption into the Hoppus family just yet.

His brother eyed him suspiciously before admitting, "I would feel better if you could promise me that."

"Then I promise," Josh replied simply. "You don't have to visit me in here, send me shit, or be in the same room as me ever again. Deal?"

"Deal," Jordan agreed, still not looking completely convinced despite the hopeful tone of his voice. "You aren't allowed to kill yourself though."

Josh hesitated before nodding. "Okay," he promised timidly.

Jordan nodded too, looking a little bit relieved. "Then I guess I'll either see you the next time Abbie asks me to come in or never again."

"Okay," Josh replied again, trying to ignore how hollow his chest currently felt.

"Sounds good then," Jordan decided, standing up to leave. "Bye."

"Bye," Josh replied quietly, his body feeling heavy as he stood as well.

He looked over at Blackett, whose expression was both solemn and sympathetic as he looked back at him. Before he could make his way over to the guard though, he was surprised by his little brother turning around suddenly and hugging him tightly. He couldn't hug back since his hands were still cuffed in front of him, and he didn't say anything as he allowed his brother to bury his face against his chest. He looked at Blackett again, and somehow, the guard looked even sadder now. Josh didn't know how to feel. Jordan's constantly conflicting emotions toward him were making this nearly impossible to process.

"Don't die in here, okay?" Jordan asked weakly, and Josh could hear that he was crying again.

"Okay," Josh agreed, his voice barely a whisper.

He felt Jordan nod against his chest, and then his arms were no longer around Josh, and he was leaving. He didn't look back as he allowed the other guard to lead him out of the visiting room. Josh stared at the floor as he walked back to his cell, not saying a word.

They were just reentering the solitary block when Blackett asked gently, "you okay?"

"I'm fine," Josh replied quietly, keeping his eyes on the ground.

"You're a good person, Josh," Blackett reminded him carefully.

Josh shrugged, waiting for Blackett to unlock his cell and leave him there so he could have a complete breakdown by himself. "Yeah, maybe."

"Not maybe," Blackett corrected. "You are absolutely a good person. You've put in the work, so don't let anyone take that away from you. Not even him. Okay?"

"Okay," Josh replied half-heartedly.

Blackett hummed. "Not enthusiastic enough," he decided. "How about we go outside for a while, and then we'll try again?"

Josh smiled slightly. "Yeah, okay," he agreed gratefully.

Blackett smiled warmly back at him. "Let me go get your coat. I'm pretty sure I can find a ball or something around here somewhere too. Is your buddy coming in today?"

"Yeah, but he said it won't be until the afternoon. He's babysitting his nieces," Josh replied, feeling comfort immediately swell inside of his throbbing chest at the idea of Tyler being here.

Blackett smiled. "We've got plenty of time then. And you know what? As proof of how much faith I have in you, we're gonna stay out there for an hour. Sound good?"

Josh smiled widely. "Sounds amazing," he insisted honestly.

"Cool. I'm gonna close you in here for a minute, and then I'll be right back to take you outside. You know why?" Blackett asked cheerfully. When Josh shook his head, he reminded him, "Because I'm willing to take a little heat from the warden if I'm doing it for a good guy."

"Thank you," Josh replied sincerely.

Blackett grinned. "No need to thank me. You earned this."

And with that, he was closing Josh's cell door and disappearing down the hall. It didn't take long for him to come back with Josh's coat and a football, and then they were headed outside. By the time the hour was up, the stabbing pain in Josh's chest was mostly just a dull ache. He could handle that, especially when he knew Tyler would be here in a few hours to talk him through this. Josh would be okay. He would be good.