***Trigger warnings for violence, mentions of violence, mentions of attempted rape, a description of suicide by slit wrists (memory), suicidal thoughts, thoughts of past suicide attempts, PTSD, panic attacks, and mentions of pedophilia.***

Start the song. It's I Know It's Over by The Smiths.

It was hard for the prison to decide on the best approach to take when punishing Josh. How could anyone possibly punish him when he already lived in solitary, rarely got visitors, didn't speak to anyone, and was on suicide watch. Apparently, the best thing they could think to do was send Debby in to see him and evaluate his mental health, which Josh didn't point out to them was already a rather common aspect of his existence. He mostly didn't point it out because it was turning out to be a pretty effective punishment.

Debby still seemed to be struggling to process the meaning behind her own words as she sat in front of Josh and asked, "You harmed another inmate?"

Josh was sitting cross-legged on his bed, holding a lumpy pillow in his lap that had plenty of loose threads for him to tug at as he nodded and avoided eye contact. Despite knowing the man with the blue eyes deserved to have a broken nose, Josh felt sick with guilt and anxiety now. He was shaking, and he didn't know what he could possibly do to make things right again. He hadn't hurt anyone in the entire eight years he'd been here, and now he'd fucked that up. He'd never get out of here. He'd be locked up in here for the rest of his life.

"Josh, can you look at me?" Debby asked quietly, sounding like she was trying very hard to suppress her concern. When he shook his head, she cleared her throat. "Can you tell me why you did it?"

Josh wanted to throw up. He was going to have to talk about before. He was going to have to tell her his history with that man, why that man had known exactly what to say to make him snap. A hand touched Josh's when he began to tremble, but he flinched away from it. Debby seemed surprised by that too, retracting her hand immediately.

"Josh, can you tell me how you're feeling right now?" Debby prompted, sounding like she was talking to a little child.

Josh squeezed his eyes shut, opening them again immediately when blue eyes stared right back at him from behind his eyelids. "N-n-no," he whispered, his fingernails digging into his arm to quiet the part of his mind that was spitting out horrible memories of broken bones, ripped clothes, shouting, and blue eyes.

"Is Officer Hoppus on duty right now?" Debby asked the guard at the door, who shook his head.

"Just left," he replied.

Debby nodded before looking back to Josh. "Okay, Josh. Here's what I'm thinking. You have no previous record of violence, you've never even fought back when being attacked, and I think it's pretty obvious that you're feeling guilty about what happened. I don't think you need to be punished further. What I do think is that there's more to this than you're telling me. Is there a reason you hit this man in particular?"

Her concern seemed to only intensify when Josh began to tremble even harder, pulling the pillow up to press it over his face to hide the tears forming in his eyes. He heard her say his name worriedly, but he was barely keeping it together right now. He couldn't tell her anything. He couldn't just-

"Is that the inmate he hit on that file there?" The guard asked interestedly.

"Yes," Debby replied quietly. "Do they have any kind of history?"

The guard let out a low whistle. "Oh boy. That's the guy who landed Dun in solitary. Beat the shit out of him, tried to rape him too. Hoppus had to drag that guy off of him. Dun would probably be dead if Hoppus hadn't gotten there when he did. That was...what? Two years ago? Shit. I didn't know it was that fucker. Yeah, I'd probably have hit him too. He's a pedophile. Came after Dun because he'd just turned eighteen and been transferred. Lots of people lost their jobs over that. Rightfully so. Who the hell locks a kid into a room with a pedophile? It's about time Dun got a punch in."

Debby didn't seem as entertained by the guard's story as he wanted her to be, but mostly because Josh was hyperventilating into his pillow. She tried to touch him again, but he flinched away again, scooting away from her on the bed. He didn't want anyone to touch him. He wanted everyone to be as far away from him as possible. He wanted to go back to his cell in solitary and be alone. He wanted Hoppus or Frangipane to come back. He wanted to be inside of the house when it burned down instead of standing there like an idiot on the sidewalk.

"Josh? Josh, can you hear me?" Debby asked him softly, struggling to keep her voice steady. "Josh? I need you to breathe. You need to breathe. You aren't in trouble right now. It's okay. You're safe right now, but you need to breathe. Can you do that for me?"

Josh's head was getting fuzzy, but he still couldn't calm his breathing. Debby's voice sounded like it was coming from underwater, and Josh just kept hearing, "Miss me, baby?" Everything else drowned around him as his vision suddenly went black, and then he didn't have to be afraid anymore.

It only took about thirty seconds for Josh to come to again, but he did so with a pounding headache and exhaustion pulsing through all of his muscles. He was still trying to orient himself, still distantly hearing that same phrase in his head when a strong hand touched him, and instinct took over Josh's body before he could do anything to stop it.

"Holy shit!" The guard swore when Josh punched him in the face. Blood poured from his nose, and Josh was so afraid that he couldn't even move. His breathing was unsteady again as he watched the guard slowly process the fact that he'd just been punched.

"I-I-I'm-m so-s-sorry. I d-di-di-" Josh stuttered out through a sob, not knowing what to do to remedy the situation.

"Jesus Christ," the man mumbled. "I was just trying to keep you from falling off the bed, man. I wasn't- You know what? It's fine. You're fine. I get it. Just do me a favour and breathe so you don't pass out again."

"Would Hoppus come back in if we had someone call him? I don't know if anyone else is going to be able to calm him down," Debby asked the guard worriedly. "He needs someone he feels safe around to be here."

"Hoppus just pulled a double. He's probably asleep," the guard replied. He hesitated before saying, "Hang on."

He left the cell for a moment, speaking into his radio as he did so. Josh couldn't focus well enough to understand what he was saying, too busy curling up into a ball and sobbing. He wanted Hoppus. He wanted everyone else to go away. He didn't want anyone but Hoppus to touch him. He didn't trust anyone else here. They would hurt him, or he would hurt them. He was a bad person. He was a very bad person.

Josh sobbed his throat raw, unable to calm down no matter how hard he tried. Debby tried to help him calm his breathing from across the cell, but he couldn't listen to her. He was too overwhelmed. He just wanted to pass out again.

His thoughts were torn apart when he heard heavy boots come running through the cell block. Fear stabbed through him again. That man was going to kill him, just like he'd threatened to. He was going to murder Josh, and there was nothing Josh could do to stop him.

"He's in here?" A familiar voice asked, completely breathless.

"That one," The guard replied, and then the heavy boots were coming into Josh's cell.

"Oh, Josh," the voice said sadly, and then Frangipane was crouching down beside his bed, meeting his eyes with complete understanding in hers. "I wish I could've been here sooner. I dropped Abbie off at your mom's house, and your mom asked me a million questions, so I was late for work. I'm sorry. Is it okay if I touch you?"

Josh sobbed, shaking his head and keeping his arms wrapped tightly around himself. She nodded, remaining present without attempting to touch him. Much to the surprise of everyone in the room, she just talked to him calmly, not drawing any extra attention to him as he panicked beside her.

"Abbie showed me the drawings you did for her. I didn't even know you could draw. How the hell did you make a completely accurate portrait of her with a crayon in under ten minutes? That's insane," Frangipane told him through a grin. "Oh, and full disclosure, I definitely saw your baby pictures. Soooo cute. Your hair was so curly!"

Debby and the other guard didn't really seem to know what to say, but they let Frangipane keep talking because Josh's breathing wasn't as frantic now. He just watched her talk, not contributing anything to the conversation but feeling safer with the sound of her voice in his ears.

"I met your brother, Jordan. He doesn't really like me, but Ashley says he doesn't really like anyone, so I'm not bothered. Your mom thinks I'm your girlfriend no matter how many times I try to tell her I'm not. She asks so many questions, dude. I'm pretty sure she asked me my blood type at one point. Oh! The first thing she asked me, before she even asked me my name, was if I'm Catholic. When I told her I am, she was suddenly very nice to me. I didn't tell her that you've probably been to mass more recently than I have. She'd probably change her mind about me if I did, huh?" Frangipane chattered casually, and Josh found that he could breathe again.

"P-p-pr-prob-p-proba-" When it became apparent to Josh that he wasn't going to be able to get the word 'probably' out, he settled for, "Y-yeah."

Once again, Frangipane didn't point it out. She just kept talking. "Your mom still has pictures you drew her when you were tiny hanging on her fridge. One of them has your tiny little handprints, and it's so fucking cute. Ashley told me you used to get so annoyed with art projects in school as a kid because they were so basic. You'd always get in trouble for not following directions because you'd make your own art projects instead, and your teachers thought they were bad for your classmates' self-esteem. Hilarious. Oh my god! You didn't warn me that your sister is a vegan. I have never consumed more tofu or rice milk in my entire life. Abbie said I should start getting a cheeseburger on my way home from work every day to avoid eating your sister's cooking because it is not good vegan food."

"S-s-sor-sorry," Josh replied quietly, feeling much calmer now despite not being able to correct his stutter at the moment.

"You bamboozled me, asshole," Frangipane giggled out, grinning when he almost smiled. "Hey, can I try holding your hand, or is that still too overwhelming?"

Josh glanced nervously at her hand. He knew she wouldn't hurt him, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to panic again at the sensation of being touched. "Y-you-you can tr-truh-try," he whispered, laying one shaking hand down on the mattress instead of keeping it locked tightly around his torso.

Debby and the guard seemed to hold their breath, but Ashley didn't show any fear as she simply touched her fingertips to his, not holding his hand fully or even placing the full weight of her hand onto his. He flinched just barely, but didn't pull his hand away. Frangipane watched his expression carefully as she slid her fingers between his and closed her hand around his. His breathing was slightly less steady now, but he wasn't tensing or pulling away, so Frangipane just kept talking.

"Your sister told me that your dad is afraid of spiders and so is your mom, so they used to wake you up in the middle of the night to kill spiders. Like, I'm talking preschool-aged Josh being woken up by his parents to kill spiders for them. Cutest shit ever. Abbie kills the spiders now, which is hilarious since she's the baby," she continued, her thumb rubbing his slightly as she spoke. "Also I learned that you had a grandma who gave you Snickers bars every time you saw her, which is probably why they're still your favourite."

Josh almost smiled again, his breathing starting to decelerate again. "Mhm," he hummed almost silently.

"You were the cutest little kid, dude. Like, without a doubt, no competition, hands down, the cutest kid," Frangipane informed him amusedly. "Your mom has this picture of you carrying a cat around your house when you're five, and the cat is literally taller than you."

She snickered when Josh rolled his eyes.

"Oh, shut up. You're short. Accept it," she teased, making him offer up a ghost of a smile. "I'm gonna touch your hair now, okay? Tell me if you need more space."

Josh nodded. His eyes squeezed shut as he flinched away from her hand as soon as it touched his hair, reminding him of the giant hand that had gripped his hair so hard that he'd thought a chunk would be ripped from his head as his face had been slammed against the cement floor. Then the hand was gone, and Frangipane's thumb stroked his as he whimpered helplessly into the mattress below his head.

"Shhhh, it's okay," she whispered gently. "Hair's a no-go. That's okay. Noted. I'm not gonna touch your hair, okay? Do you need me to let go of your hand again and let you have some space again?" When Josh's hand squeezed hers tighter, silently pleading with her not to leave him, she kept talking again calmly. "Okay. Hand is good. Thanks for letting me know. Does it help if I keep talking?"

Josh nodded weakly, keeping his eyes shut tight. Frangipane's thumb soothed along his, letting him know she wasn't judging him. He felt her press a gentle kiss to his knuckles before she started speaking again, this time not to him.

"Can I be alone with him, or is that not allowed right now? I think the amount of people in this room might be making it harder for him to process. It's especially not a good idea to have a man in here right now," Frangipane told Debby and the other guard.

"I don't know how I feel about leaving you two in here. He's already punched me in the face tonight," the guard told her.

"Because you touched him when he wasn't expecting it," Debby clarified. "I have to agree with Officer Frangipane. It might be triggering more anxiety to have a man in here."

"Fine, but radio me if you need backup," the guard insisted.

"I will," Frangipane agreed.

Josh was surprised by how much more relaxed he felt as soon as the male guard left the room. Frangipane and Debby didn't feel as threatening as he had, especially when Frangipane spoke softly to him as soon as the guard was no longer in the room.

"Can you look at me?" Frangipane asked him gently.

Josh nodded weakly, not saying a word as he forced his eyes open to meet hers. She smiled warmly.

"Hey, there you are," she said softly. Her thumb rubbed his again. "There are no more scary guys in here. Just me and Debs, and we aren't gonna hurt you. You know that, huh?"

Josh nodded, otherwise remaining completely still. He drew in a shaky breath, looking at their connected hands instead of her face. He could trust her, right? She'd never done anything to give him reason to doubt her. Neither had Debby. Besides, even if Debby did try to hurt him, Frangipane would never let her.

It was habit that made Josh think a little prayer, asking for help from Saint Nokter to keep him from stuttering before he quietly told Frangipane, "H-h-he said gro-gr-gross shit about Abbie. Said he was gon-gonna r-r-ra-r-ruh-" Josh was sobbing before he could get the word out.

"Oh, Josh," Frangipane whispered, tears gathering in her eyes too. "I'm so sorry, honey. He can't hurt her. You know that, right? He's gonna be in here for a long time, and his sentence was extended after he hurt you. He has over six years left to serve."

Josh had no idea how he got the courage or the strength to do it, but he sat up and hugged her, burying his face against her shoulder as he sobbed out, "She's just a baby."

"I know. I know she is, honey. He isn't going to hurt her. I promise you that," Frangipane told him sternly as she rubbed his back and hugged him tightly. "Even when he gets out, I won't let him touch her. I would never let anyone hurt your baby sister. Never."

Josh's entire body curled in closer to Frangipane's without him meaning for it to do so, but she didn't complain. She just held him and let him sob until he could barely breathe anymore.

"So you were provoked? He threatened violence before you hit him?" Debby asked hopefully. "They can't punish you as severely if he was threatening violence to begin with. Right?"

"I didn't hit him," Josh whimpered out against Frangipane's shoulder. "I g-g-grabbed the front of his shirt and...a-a-an-and pulled him so his face hit the bars."

"Okay. It's okay. Shhh," Frangipane comforted when he let out another sob. "He can't hurt anyone right now, okay? You're safe. You aren't in trouble. It's okay. Hoppus heard him threaten you, right? He gave a witness statement before he left, and he wouldn't have left if he thought you would get in trouble while he was gone. You know that. He would never abandon you here like that."

"U-un-unless...unless he doesn't want me anymore," Josh sobbed out, prompting Frangipane to immediately hush him and whisper reassurances to him.

"No, honey. He loves you. He's so proud of you. You know that. We all know that. He knows what that asshole is capable of, and he would never abandon you for defending yourself or your sister. He loves you so much, Josh," Frangipane insisted.

Debby was very quiet, looking completely unsure of how to handle this situation. She seemed relieved that Frangipane was here to keep Josh from losing it, but she also looked completely out of her depth at the moment.

"I know this isn't a good time," Frangipane told Josh hesitantly, "but it's probably going to come up very soon, so I want you to have a heads up."

Josh lifted his head to look at Frangipane. Somehow, he knew exactly what she was going to say before she'd even said it. "They called my mom, didn't they?" He asked in a small voice.

Frangipane swallowed nervously before nodding. "I was at her house when they called. She said she'd be at the prison in an hour. That was like...forty-five minutes ago."

Josh's arms left Frangipane then as he lied back down on his bed, pressing the heels of his hands against his closed eyes until he could see stars behind his eyelids as he sobbed. "Fuck!"

"I know. I'm so sorry, honey. I tried to convince her I could handle it, but she said she needed to come see you for herself," Frangipane told him carefully. "They might have also told her that it happened right before Abbie visited...."

"Fuck!" Josh yelled again, knowing full well that he was never going to see his little sister again.

He was never getting out of prison. His mother was never bringing Abbie to see him again. Ashley would never come visit him. He would never see his dad again. Hoppus would never come back. Frangipane was going to leave. He was going to die in here, all alone.

Everything felt like it was collapsing, and Josh didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to fix any of this. He didn't know how to make any of this better. It seemed like every time things started to look up, he fucked them up beyond repair. Maybe he deserved to be suffering like this. Surely the people inside the house had suffered more, right? And that was his fault. Maybe this was his punishment. He had to feel the same agony they did, but it was going to be stretched out for the rest of his life. He deserved that. He knew he deserved that.

He deserved to be in prison. He deserved to be attacked by the man with the blue eyes. He deserved to bounce between solitary and suicide watch. He deserved to lose contact with his family. He deserved to have a mom who didn't believe in him and a dad who didn't even bother to make sure he was alive. He deserved a life sentence. He deserved to spend every day wishing it was his last. He'd stolen six lives in one night. Why the hell should he get to enjoy a single second of his?

Frangipane and Debby looked concerned when Josh's tears slowly died out until he was just staring numbly at the ceiling of the cell. He did his best to internalize the agonizing pain shooting through every inch of his body, not letting a single drop of it be visible. He thought about that limp wrist dangling from the top bunk as blood drained out of it and onto the floor when he was a teenager, and it almost felt like his wrists were the ones that were torn open. He'd felt that exact pain before. He knew exactly what to imagine.

"Josh?" Frangipane asked him tentatively.

He thought about being crowded out of that cell by officers who wanted to protect him from being traumatized by the death he'd slept through. He thought about finding blood on his clothes later that day. He thought about telling his mom that he thought that kid was smart to do what he did. After that day, he hadn't seen his siblings again for years.

He'd survived not seeing them then, right? He could survive a few more years. He could survive until the man with the blue eyes really did find a way to kill him. God, he wanted someone to kill him. Maybe if he was killed like he'd killed those other people, God would forgive him. Maybe then his family would forgive him. Maybe then they would want him back.

Josh didn't hear anything for a while as he stared at the ceiling, not realizing he was interrupting a worried conversation between the two women in the room when he opened his mouth again. "Frangipane?" He asked quietly, making them fall silent.

"Yeah? I'm here. I'm here, buddy. I'm here," she said quickly.

Josh kept staring at the ceiling as he asked, "Am I allowed to have my rosary in here?"

"Your...your rosary?" She asked quietly, as if she hadn't really heard him.

He nodded slightly. "Yeah. From my mom."

"I-uh-" Frangipane stammered, looking to Debby.

"I think that might be a safety concern," Debby admitted quietly. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Josh replied numbly, still looking at the ceiling.

He glanced at the door when the male guard returned, his nose swollen. "Dun, your mom is here," he reported in a nasally voice.

Josh sighed, climbing off of his bed mechanically. He had no energy left. All of his fight had left him. He could feel Frangipane watching him worriedly as he allowed himself to be cuffed.

"Can I take him?" She asked the guard in a quiet voice.

He nodded. "All yours," he replied, leaving the cell without question.

Debby left with the other guard, giving Josh a supportive smile that he didn't return. He didn't talk to Frangipane as he was led through the prison, knowing full well just what his mom was going to say when he saw her. He looked at the blue-eyed man's cell when he passed it, but the Asian man was still in there alone. Josh drew in a deep breath as he waited for Frangipane to buzz him in so he could go into the visiting room. He just kept reminding himself, again and again, that he deserved to feel this way. He did.