While I have had some ups and downs this week for the vet tech program, I've been thinking a lot about something entirely different than school.

I'm weak when it comes to a certain someone. I has taken all of my self-control to not go running back into that person's arms.

Especially these last two weeks.

I think I fell in love with this grand (highly ambitious or idealistic) idea that I would love to follow. Unfortunately, this isn't a fairytale. There is a magnitude of reasons why I can't.

Yeah, when I talk to this person, I am intoxicated with this seemingly perfect relationship. In the moment, it seems like one of those relationships on tv or in books where you actually encourage them to get together.

But...if I get romantically involved with this person, I lose myself. I throw away everything that matters.

I would rather die than be in that situation because I would feel as if I don't have a life or I'm not my own person for the latter option.

It might sound extreme, but I'm realizing that family means everything. And when I am with this person, it doesn't feel like family or that I can build a life. I feel as if I'm in a cliche story where the girl falls in love and gets betrayed.

In my case, if I go off and try to build a life with this person, I'm going to lose everything. And for what? So I can feel good for a while and then reality comes back to hit me. Hard. Like a bullet train going full speed.

Wow, that sounds pretty accurate.

Anyway, to my future self; don't be stupid. This is your warning. Besides, school is important right now and just think, in a few weeks you have one less class to worry about.

I had to read that last paragraph over twice for it to really sink in. On October 6th, I finish one class. On October 12th, I complete another class!

On October 14th (I believe), I will start an eight-week class.

Plus, I just completed my first four weeks of the program.

There were some hard moments. Which I believe I've shared a few on here. And some I had to face on my own.

But, I know for certain, I will never regret this decision. This is the greatest year of my life.

Even though I am not on campus and practicing with animals, I am learning so much.

A lot of it is learning about myself.

I'm happy where I am because I'm moving forward. I'm improving myself every day.

I would not trade this for the world.

Good, bad, and the ugly.

I refuse to give up, to give in, or to get burnout.

I am in this for the long haul. No shortcuts. No distractions.

Oh, look! Butterfly!

...what was I saying?

Honestly, that's how I'm feeling right now. Us students are wide-eyed fawn.

Huh, I will never unsee that.

Back to the subject at hand, the title of this story part is two of the song titles that I have been listening to. That album has amazing beats and music.

Turning out is basically someone who is facing a relationship problem. He's asking what love is. What is love supposed to be like?

"Am I ready for love?
Or maybe just a best friend
Should there be a difference
Do you have instructions?
Maybe I'm stuck on what I see on TV
I grew up on Disney
But this don't feel like Disney"

I love the emotion in it.

Then he comes on and sings the last part of the songs and it makes me cry almost every time I hear it.

"You say I turned out fine
I think I'm still turning out
You say I turned out fine
I think I'm still turning out
I hope you stick around
We're gonna figure it out
Who can I turn to now?
When I'm still turning out
When I'm still turning out
I'm a little kid, and so are you
Don't you go and grow up before I do
I'm a little kid with so much doubt
Do you want to be there to see how I turn out?
I'm a little kid, and so are you
Don't you go and grow up before I do
I'm a little kid with so much doubt
Do you want to be there to see how I turn out?
I'm a little kid, and so are you
Don't you go and grow up before I do
I'm a little kid with so much doubt
Do you want to be there to see how I turn out?
I'm a little kid, and so are you
Don't you go and grow up before I do
I'm a little kid with so much doubt
Do you want to be there to see how I turn out?
'Cause I'm still turning out"

As for the song "weak, " every time I hear I think of my past relationships. How I would be the literal definition of insanity.

Not anymore! I am done.

I've been good about not going back. Even though I want to. I know I can't because it's not love. It's not the love that I need. The love that I want.

So there's the thoughts that I have had for the last week or so.

Now to get past this next week that has a quiz, a test, an assignment due, and Grey has a vet appointment. Next week, I have another assignment due, a midterm, I'm going on campus(!)(that is nerve wrecking as we will be demonstrating everything we have learned in class...welp, I'm not ready!), and I finally have my appointment to renew my driver's license.

*Sighs* I have to remind myself that I asked for this. This is what I wanted. I'm pretty I've told this program to bring it on and hit me with everything, and it has definitely answered. XD

Well, it's late and I need to get more sleep than I've gotten lately. I have studying that needs to be done, reading assignments that need to be read, and a birthday party tomorrow.

Writing this has really helped. I need to write done my thoughts more often (I've said that before!) to help put things in perspective.

Good night!

Until next time (where hopefully I am NOT having a mental breakdown :))!

Later!

~MsPenguingirl1234.

Published: September 11, 2020.

P.S. I got everything that I wanted to do today. I need to take it one day at a time.

Daily to-do lists work when they are realistic.

Good to know. XD