Things are getting better since I last updated this. 

That first sentence was written a week or two ago. It's still true, things have gotten better. I have been feeling better. 

Right now, I want to write this and publish it, then I'm going to finish a chapter of sorts for one of my fanfictions. After that, I'll re-evaluate what I'm doing next. 

Although, my goal for this weekend is to do some job applications. From there...I don't know. I'm  unsure of what I am going to do with my life. A whole year has gone by and I'm slowly realizing I don't know what I want to do anymore. 

I just have to take it one step at a time. 

It's funny. This reminds of the opening dialogue of an anime that I watched; "There's an old saying my grandma taught me. When you're ten, they call you a prodigy. When you're fifteen, they call you a genius. Once you hit twenty, you're just an ordinary person."

And then I read somewhere recently that if you aren't nurtured at a young age when you show signs of having a higher intellect than your peers, then you'll end up falling behind later on. 

I think I butchered that, but really, I feel like I grew up too fast and was forced to be mature with too much responsibility. My talents weren't really encouraged growing up. 

I read my first chapter book with hardly any pictures in first grade and got to college-level textbooks before middle school. I began writing before middle school. And, still, no one encouraged me to do more until I burnt out from overworking in high school. 

I finally become brunt out from schooling this past fall. 

Aside from the last three broken up paragraphs, I wrote this three days ago. Since then, I haven't come back this until today. 

Not much has changed these last few days. I started watching Criminal Minds which is kinda out of norm for me as I've been watching anime more than anything else. 

Yesterday, I woke up from a dream about getting another job. It was weird, but I felt like I could actually do something about it. 

Hello again!! I stopped writing this and it's now a few days later. Whoops. 

I started writing this a week or two before May 28th, wrote a few sentences on the 28th, stopped, continued on the 31st, stopped, and here I am on June 3rd writing this a few minutes to midnight. Oops. 

I keep telling myself that once I finish writing this (whatever it is now because this is turning out to be a mess. A good mess since this is how I journal. This is meant to be my journal.) that I would do a side project to ease my way back into writing. I plan on getting a job once I have a handle on the side project. From there, I don't know. 

I feel that is how my life is going right now. Filled with 'I don't know' as the answer to everything. 

This time last year, I was up north with Grey and Trixie spending some quiet time as I got ready to start school in the fall. This year, I spent Memorial Day alone with my animals at home. I haven't gone up north since December. A lot has changed since then. I had just survived a semester of learning medicine online. Then I spent my last Christmas with my grandpa, Rio died on the first of this year, and then my grandpa died a few days later. 

And I did it again. I just spent about a half an hour watching and sharing Tik Toks with my sister. 

I think it would be best that I just end this here and I'll work on the writing side project of mine tomorrow. Once I see how that goes, I might start applying for jobs as I need to do something with my life other than spending all of my time at home helping my parents and doing things around the house. 

Oh! I almost forgot to write about something that happened on Monday night. I went for a run a little before midnight because Grey jumped the fence and decided to go run off and he didn't come back as I called his name for ten minutes. Good news I knew where he was or the general street, bad news I am out of shape and panicking a little didn't help anything. Luckily, I was able to meet up with him and we walked back home. I walked into the house exactly two minutes after midnight. 

So, yeah, I can't let him outside at night now as he keeps chasing small animals. Thankfully, he hasn't killed any animals yet, but still. Him getting out of the fenced backyard is getting ridiculous. 

Also, since my dad is up north, he asked me to mow the backyard this week. I haven't mowed the yard in probably two years. Too bad our lawnmower is old and I wasn't able to start it. So, now he has to do it when he gets home. Or I get him to start it and I will mow it. I don't know. 

On Tuesday, I actually dropped off a box of things to a co-worker of his and almost got into a car accident. It sucked as Grey was in the car and I was worried how that would have played out, but we're okay. 

It was nice though as I bought a backpack for his stuff when we go out and I won't have to take his big bag and my purse. When we drove to the hotel to meet with his co-worker, I only took my wallet and facemask with his bag. It was nice to not have two bags. 

Well, I think this is a good enough update for the time being. It took some time, but here I am, writing. I started on the side project, but it's been a week and it felt off. I feel off. Honestly, everything feels off. I would blame it on COVID, but I have felt this for almost two years now. 

Writing depression. That is what I call it. It sums everything up so well. It's not writer's block as it's a different feeling. 

I have battled with it for almost two years now and I am ready to breakthrough it fully so I can get back to writing more and finishing up published my paperback series. I haven't given up. Not fully anyway. 

I wish I could tell you all about it, Grandpa. You would have encouraged me and then told me stories. Whether it be hunting or back when you were working, I miss those moments so much. 

It's late, I should go. This momentary breakthrough of my writing depression has been fun, however, it's late and I may never publish this with how off topic it is. 

Thank you for reading. 

~MsPenguingirl1234.

Published: June 6, 2021.