I had fallen asleep almost immediately after I last updated this book, only to jerk awake not even an hour later.

This is what I get for trying to sleep before 9 pm.

I thought since I was so tired and had a long day, I would have been fine, but noooo! I just had to wake up wide awake with an hour of sleep. And I was hoping to fall asleep early to wake up early to prepare my body (sleep schedule, mostly) for the orientation that's happening tomorrow!

Clearly, that didn't happen. I had to have a rough night that caused me to go to a dark place where I almost always wake up in the afternoon feeling really crappy (physically, emotionally, and mentally).

I was on the verge of crying with how bad I felt when I woke up a little before 12:30 pm. I went to the bathroom and didn't come out until over an hour later because I. Couldn't. Get. Up.

Even though it was a rough night, some good did come from it. Grey and Trixie (mainly, Trixie), helped me get through. She snuggled more than she normally does, trying to help me out of it. It didn't really work (it usually doesn't when it comes to this particular dark place of mine), but I still appreciate the support nonetheless.

That was the first good (because having animal cuddles are always a good thing) thing that happened. The second; I was able to continue going through some apps on my phone and cleaning/reorganizing some of them. 

The third (I was in the middle of my dark place when I realized this); I am an idiot. The very definition of insanity. My relationship with my first boyfriend was pretty good. The main reason why I broke things off was because he was cheating (more flirting behind my back for a short period before we broke up), not the smartest when it came to common sense on a few thing, and he was doing things that he really shouldn't have been doing (I have a clear idea on why he was sent to jail a few years after we broke up). I wouldn't really call our overall relationship toxic, more like, he wasn't the one for settling down and I wasn't willing to marry him. Then again, we weren't ones to really connect all the way either. 

As for my second boyfriend (who I went back to a few times), I would call that relationship toxic. While I was in the midst of discovering things about myself last night (whenever I am in a dark place, I always learn something new about myself), I realized that one of the reasons why we failed some many times is because I don't trust him. I tried so hard to convince myself that I loved him and I trusted him. I mean, of course, we have to be meant to be when we connect so well! It's like we are meant for each other! 

Then I read something last night that  made to stop and think. 

If I couldn't trust him, the whole thing was doomed from the start. Then I was hit with guilt because I should have reacted better in some situations, but then, that was due to the lack of trust and I was uncomfortable. I blame it on lack of experience that we both have when it comes to good relationships. Healthy relationships. 

It also hit me that I'm bad at coping in a health way. 

I was tired and frustrated with not being able to sleep. I tried everything. I was going to get up and write at my desk or read the book that I'm currently trying to finish when I ended up going in the dark place. Looking back on it, I didn't really fight it or fight a better way to cope with my lack of sleep. 

Thinking about it today, it hit me that I was merely suffering from anxiety. Anxiety about tomorrow's orientation and I thought I was okay...until I wasn't. 

Now, this dark place that I'm talking about (and I'm not comfortable naming it for what it is just yet...or ever, but know that I am safe and I'm not harming myself...if you don't count unhealthy ways of coping as safe) is just a unhealthy coping habit that I have had for years. I didn't see it as a coping method until last night. I was using it as an excuse to not deal with whatever problem I'm having (which is why my relationship with my second boyfriend has always been toxic). 

I actually haven't had a night like that since January of 2019. Aside from the few times it's happened during this spring, but I don't exactly count those as it was encouraged and that's why I know that certain relationships of mine fail so much.

Anyway, I'm making no sense, but this isn't for you guys to understand. This book has always been about me, my progress, and hopefully help others as they struggle with anxiety. So, with certain things, I'm going to be more private about as I'm not ready to write about them on the internet at the moment. 

To finish up talking about last night, I didn't fell asleep until 3 am and I woke up about 12:15 pm with only an hour sleep before then. 

I spent over an hour in the bathroom feeling absolutely horrible (which is why that's a bad way to cope and next time I will know that I need to stop and think about why I need to cope in the first, then find a better way to cope with what I'm dealing with) about myself and the whole situation (because I was hoping to wake up so my sleep schedule isn't horrible for tomorrow...too late). 

I then took a ten minute shower (I had to go back into my room first and found Trixie curled up on my unmade bed and petting her helped me a lot) which I was really hoping would be longer,  but my body betrayed me and I didn't have an excuse to stay under the warm water. You know how everything seems like it's in slow motion when a character in movies are when they just went through something and a shower scene happens. I wanted to do that (which I normally do), only I NEEDED to stop and think clearly. 

I ended up having a "writer's mind" moment, and couldn't stop until I wrote something. I also started going through my writing notebook and binder while I've been sitting here and writing this for the last hour and a half. 

I'm feeling so much better now as I wrote this monstrosity (I'm laughing as I write this sentence) and I just talked to my mom as I haven't talked to anyone today yet. Plus, I should wrap this up as I have only eaten a granola bar so far today, and just when I was starting to eat more healthy foods and eating less snacks. Of course, I had to have a rough night and not feel like eating. And yesterday I did so well (a lot of the times when I have a long productive day like that I forget to eat, but I ate really well and had healthy meals too!), I'm upset that I ruined it today! 

But, as I sit here, I'm smiling. I feel so better (especially after my shower...showers are good for the soul) about how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. I started to revisit an idea of mine and once I get something better to eat (my appetite is starting to come back just now), I will clean out my writing binder and notebook. 

I'm glad that I did everything that I needed to do yesterday and only had to take a shower today (and I want to get everything ready for orientation tonight as opposed to tomorrow morning, but I have time to do that, it's mostly getting my dad's laptop ready on my desk as I can't do Zoom on mine), so I had a free day for my anxiety to do this to me. 

Better today than tomorrow. 

And now I can't stop smiling. Wow, writing this was so freeing to me and it relieved a burden I didn't know I was carrying. 

I did name it (that dark place) as I was thinking about how to finish this (once I wrote, "Better today than tomorrow"), I quickly wrote what it was in my journal that I write in for my therapy appointments. Maybe that's why I'm feeling this way right now.

Mortal of the story, writing things out or naming what you go through helps a lot. I don't know where I would be if I didn't journal in this book or in my therapy notebook. 

~MsPenguingirl1234. 

Published: July 7, 2020 (about two hours after I started writing this).