You know,  I have learned that bottling things up isn't good because one day it can come out in the worst way. I have learned the lesson, but reviewing that lesson and applying it is another story. 

For me the best way to keep everything from being stuck inside me is to write. I told myself, "After finals, I will write more," "I can relax and write up north," and "I'll be up north for about nine days that's plenty of time to write."

I never did write while I was up north. I left three days after my last final exam (that was also my last day of the semester) to be up north for over a week to relax and unwind. My main goal: to write. 

 Unfortunately, I pushed it off for too long and those seemingly small choices ended with a big consequence. 

It lead to a big outburst from me on Christmas Day. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself here. I  have to explain and release everything that happened up to that point that caused a big reaction in the first place. 

 My four final exams happened over the first two weeks of December. It started with Anatomy Lab, which I wasn't doing too bad in. I ended up failing the exam, but passed the class. That was the 1st of December. The next day, I didn't have a class as my final exam for that class took place during my Thursday morning class. I completed two exams in the same class period. 

(Side note: I just checked and realized that I haven't updated this "journal" of mine since October. No wonder this whole mess happened.)

I passed both the exam and class of my advanced techniques class. I failed the communication and veterinary practice final exam, but still passed the class. 

I had from the rest of Thursday to Monday at noon to study for my most difficult class; Anatomy Lecture. I did my best. I held my head high and went through the exam with confidence. I passed the final exam and the class. 

I didn't get my usual grades. I received my first two C+ grades. I wasn't too devastated though as I had survived a crazy semester in a tough program that wasn't meant to be online and ended up being online. 

As the semester came to an end, I decided to not continue on for the Winter semester, instead I'm going to wait until Winter 2022 to continue with the Vet Tech program. Hopefully by then, we will be able to be on campus and I can have the education that I originally wanted. 

Between Monday's final in the afternoon and Thursday morning when my mom and I left to go up north, there wasn't much for me to do. I wanted to pack (as I didn't really do that), finish watching Fairy Tail again, I had to do my weekly chores (laundry and Rio's cage, mostly) before I left, I wanted to watch the TV shows that I missed while I was in my last two weeks of school, and I had to get a folding table out of my room that I used for my Zoom classes. 

Doesn't seem like a lot in words, but it got pretty intense by the end. I actually stayed up all night on Wednesday to finish watching everything. I don't regret it though. It reminded me of when I was younger and I pulled all-nighters several times because my insomnia got so bad. 

It worked out as I took a 45-minute nap in the van while my mom visited my aunt and they were free to talk for that long without me stopping them. December 10th was a good day. I got to go up north and I enjoyed two McRibs from McDonald's  after years of not having any. 

I was a little disappointed that there was no snow up there. Two days later there was this big snow storm and we ended up getting 8 inches or so of snow! It was awesome. Throughout the time we were at the cabin, I got to play in the snow with Grey and Trixie as she snuck out a few times. My shy cat loved being outside with her dog brother, go figure. 

I watched Gravity Falls, a lot of movies, drank my first alcoholic drinks while 21 (I always drank with my mother and didn't go anywhere, I am a responsible child, although not anymore as I am 21...), and finished a knitted snowman that go around mugs project that took a few years as my mom and I always got too busy to finish. They turned out great. 

During the trip, we went to a hardware store in another city that was about thirty minutes away and I found this butterfly cat toy for Trixie. One thing that I found out about my cat is that she doesn't care for traditional cat toys and opts to play with pencils instead. I showed her the toy and she loves it. Unfortunately, I grabbed the last one. Now I will be on the look out for that toy. I need to get a handful more. 

I was even able to use one of the face masks that I got from a Christmas party last year to relax more. It was a lavender aromatherapy one that I had used before. It helped a lot. 

Then we got a call. My grandpa was in the hospital. Things were looking bad. Things got really bad as I (I am currently angry with myself as I writing this as helped so much so far) didn't write. I hadn't written much since October. No wonder I was doing so bad. 

Anyway, we cut our trip short and came home early. 

My grandpa was not doing well. He had to use a wheelchair to get around and my grandma had to lift him on and off the toilet. That's a big red flag that something was wrong. My grandma had to call 911 to get him to the hospital. 

Now, with COVID and the fact that I don't have all of the details, all I know is that he was most likely dehydrated. There was concern for his heart though. 

He's home now. He's actually on hospice and that has helped my grandma as well as she doesn't need to be the sole caregiver anymore. 

I actually got to visit him yesterday and it was nice, but he couldn't talk much. It's frustrating, more for him then it is for me. 

I miss sitting and hearing his stories. I am also upset that I haven't written anything for him this year. He's my number one fan. I gave him a binder filled with my short stories a few years ago and I would periodically add more. I guess this year has threw me off in more ways than I realized. 

This is why I write in here. It helps get my thoughts in order and reminds me of what I need to do in the present to propel me toward the future.  

The bad news is that there was a death in my family recently. Patches, our 18 year old cat passed this past Sunday. I wanted to write so much about how I was feeling and doing, but I didn't. I continued watching an anime and went over my aunt's house to go Christmas caroling to close friends and family. Talking about years past and having fun with loved ones. 

I've kinda been reeling since then. I was so detached and professional. I did cry a few times behind closed doors while I watched Christmas movies late at night in my room. 

1291 words later and I feel so much better. 

Everyone has been talking about how this Christmas is going to look different and they were right and wrong. 

Right in the way that we didn't have the usual big family gathering, but it was only immediate family. Which we normally do both. 

However, something usually goes wrong in terms of arguments. Well, my dad wasn't using his words as he asked me to get the "white thing behind and in front of you." I was already filling the deep feeling that I get when I'm about to have an outburst. I was trying to find what he wanted, but he and everyone else was playing a game (I didn't want to play as I had that feeling deep down that something will set me off) and didn't give me much help in finding "the white thing." 

Turns out he wanted his candy in a white tube. It took my mom to make him use his words. I didn't want to hand it to him from over the board, so I tossed it on the table and it opened and small chocolate beads went everywhere. 

When we were visiting my grandparents, we left Grey home and took Sally with us. Grey got into a pack of chocolate coal that my dad left out. 

So in that moment, Grey was having more chocolate as it went everywhere. Grey's is fine, but my older sister accused me that I did it on purpose. 

It hurt. And then the bad feeling rose and made my blood boil. I ran upstairs (which I wanted to disappear to while they played the game to help me not have an outburst, but I didn't because then they would have said something negative about it and I don't know how to put it into words. A writer who can't use their words. Pretty pathetic. This is why I write on the internet because meeting me online versus in person is so different.) and the next thing I knew I slammed my door, locked it, and the familiar sound of something shattering. 

My desk is right next to me door and my Christmas tree sat on my desk. I broke one of my favorite ornaments in anger. Things fell from my desk and the shelf on my wall, but only the ornament broke. 

It made things worse. The feeling that I was experienced intensified and I wanted to shatter everything,  punch a wall, and physically hurt myself I needed it to stop. 

Instead, I picked up somethings, moved a few others, got comfy on my bed, put on some music, and grabbed my computer to write this. I actually wrote the first one and a half paragraphs while feeling that way before it got too much. 

I was so out of it that I didn't notice someone come upstairs or pick the lock of my door until my dad came in the room while I was crying big, fat tears and telling him to stop as he walked on the shattered remains of my theater ornament. He was apologizing about what happened when he noticed. He asked questions in a sympathetic and remorseful tone. He wasn't angry and hasn't mentioned it since. No one has. My dad even offered to buy me a new one. 

I don't know why it took so long to write this. Even writing in general may have prevented that outburst from happening. 

All I know is that I was having a pretty good Christmas season considering COVID, my grandpa, Patches' death, Christmas caroling without my parents, and plans changing every five minutes until about 8 in the evening on Christmas Day. 

This is why you don't bottle up your feelings. Find an outlet and use it. I found mine and paid the price. Not a big one this time, but I got lucky this time. 

Until next time, 

Later!

~MsPenguingirl1234.

Published: December 26th, 2020.