Well, another birthday is over. I could blame my average day on us being in a pandemic, but last year's birthday was better than this.

Of course, I was in school on my birthday and I think we ended up celebrating the day before. However, I feel like there was something different about this year.

Maybe it's because I feel so burnt out that I'm practically numb at times.

Today started rough as every time I tried to fall asleep last night, I would jerk awake. I couldn't exactly fall asleep, to begin with, either.

The only good thing about my terrible night was the fact that Trixie cuddled next to me for an hour and Grey cuddled with me for another hour after she left. It's was a precious time spent with my babies. And they're both two right now. Trixie's going to be three on the fifth of September.

Anyway, aside from my sleep, my day was average.

I cooked, I cleaned, I helped my mom with everything she needs, I watched Sally, I made my own birthday cake (a pink unicorn cake mix and blue frosting with galaxy-themed sprinkles), cooked my birthday dinner, and I cleaned up after it all.

I literally want to cry right now. Because it didn't feel like it was my birthday. I did get some manga from my older sister as a birthday present, so that was nice.

Other than that, I got some scattered happy birthday wishes from some people (which I'm not trying to sound self-centered, but there weren't as many as there usually are). My own brother didn't even say anything to me. His fiance did text me though.

It's funny because my mom as I was making dinner and baking my cake told me she was sorry that she couldn't do it for me.

That was nice of her and I don't blame her for getting her knee replaced three weeks ago because she needed that.

No, I'm figuring out some things about myself and my family that makes me wish that I could move out and be on my own. But I can't because I'm my mom's driver at the moment and she still shouldn't be alone at home for long.

And I'm realizing that my career choices might be changing, but I haven't really thought about much because it's not like I'm in a position at the moment where I can get a job and start working.

Which sucks because my dad asked about the place that I had applied to last month and he should know that because of his job and how things are at the moment, I'm needed at home.

And that angers me because my dad doesn't understand how his work is overstepping his boundaries as they're overworking him, making him work weekends, and not letting him have a week off for him to go bear hunting. He asks for time off a few times a year and most times, he still ends up doing work during that time.

That causes me having to pick up the slack of his household chores and that doesn't help me feel any less burnt out.

I hate it.

I want to scream that I'm trying to figure my life out, but it's hard when I had a late start. I started working after I graduated high school because I was busy helping my family with everything.

Even when I was working, I always found myself dropping everything to help out family.

It's like, I'm sorry that my parents and grandparents didn't plan for anything in life and I always had to pick up the slack because that's how I was raised.

And my grandma texted me about a half hour ago, asking if I'm free the next two days so I can help her out with a few things and I can't. Tomorrow I have chores I have to do, make sure my mom is fed, I have to take my mom to physical therapy, watch Sally, make dinner, clean up afterward, and create a menu for the next two weeks.

On Friday, I have to go grocery shopping, take a shower, shave, get ready for the bridal shower on Saturday, make sure my mom lunch, make dinner, and clean up afterward.

Saturday, we are expecting to be at the church where the bridal shower will be four hours before it starts. We live almost an hour away. We have to leave the house at 7 am.

Since the only time I get is at night, I haven't been waking up before 11 am unless I have to take my mom to PT.

I can't juggle being my mom's caretaker while also helping out my grandma. But, of course, I'm the only one who doesn't work, who didn't go through surgery less than a month ago or didn't have a small falling out with her over a wedding decision.

Because, yes, my brother angered our grandma over a wedding decision. To be fair, the whole situation was made worse because of him. But he lives not even ten minutes away from her. I would have to drive 45 minutes to get to her and then drive her around.

At the moment, I'm not looking or responding to her text. I can't deal with it at the moment. I'll talk to my mom about it on our way to her PT appointment because I don't want to deal with it on my own again. The last time my grandma texted me about needed help, I told her I couldn't because I was watching my mom four days after her surgery. And that was not a good week. I figured my grandma would tell someone else that she needed help, but no, she didn't. And then the next day when she went to a baby shower with my older sister, she didn't say anything about needing help.

It wasn't until I mentioned it days later when I realized no one else knew about it.

So, no, this time I'm going to talk to my mom and see what we can do.

Sometimes I want to leave my family for a few days and not do anything for them.

That can't happen as who will make lunch for my mom, who would make dinner for everyone, who would do the dishes, who would mow the lawn, who would clean the house, and who would make sure the house doesn't devolve into madness.

It sucks that for over a decade now as I thought I was just doing chores and helping out around the house would become me being the sole caretaker of it. Without me, nothing would get done.

I tested it before. Many times.

And on top of everything, I still can't write. I've tried so many times to finish writing a chapter and it doesn't work.

I can't write.

And I'm realizing how much trauma I've been through because I'm so focused on everything and everyone else that I've beenusing a toxic relationship as a crutch because it's "easy" and "familiar."

It sucks how much my life has been dictated by others and I've allowed it because I can't leave home.

And everything I've ever had going for me has slowly left me. I can't be an author if I don't write, I don't think I want to be a vet tech (at least not currently, maybe down the line when things get better), I'm not going to school, I don't work, and everything is much harder because of COVID.

I'm in the bridal party of a wedding that I don't even know half of what's going on because no one communicates.

I've mostly spent my time the last few weeks reading and watching anime. Mostly dissociating though.

The only time I really feel anything (other than the random spikes of anger) is when I'm watching anime.

I finished Bungo Stray Dogs, Bungo Stray Dogs Won, and Yuri on Ice (which was amazing and I cried because it was so good). I started Toradora, but haven't gotten too far into it.

That's the update on me, I guess. Sucks that it took my birthday for me to come to terms with how messed up my life is at the moment.

No, how messed up my life has slowly become over the years.

Once my mom is done with her PT appointments next month, I'm going to do something for myself and slowly get my life back on track, starting with getting a job. I'm going to make it through with my brother's wedding and I'm going to work my butt off until I can move out.

When that happens, I'm going to start figuring out what boundaries I want to set for my family and go from there.

But, of course, this is me and my family I'm talking about. By the time I get a job and work towards moving out, something is going to happened (possibly my parents and grandma moving like we've all been talking about doing since January) and I will be forced (most likely by the situation) into putting my plans on hold to help out. Because that always happens.

It's never about me. It's about someone else or everyone else. They all get free passes and I don't. Because I'm available and my goals have been put on him for so long that they don't feel like my goals anymore.

I don't have plans because I always have to cancel my plans.

It doesn't matter that I help everyone else out. What matters is the fact that I still haven't gotten a job so I can do something with my life. What's the point of doing something when my life when it doesn't feel like it's my life but everyone else's.

It's not fair.

And I can never really voice this all because there isn't any time for me.

I might bring it up with my mom tomorrow, but I don't know.

I just have to survive until Sunday so I can take a break. For a day, if that.

Anyway, this has spiraled and it's late.

I'm also going to feel terrible tomorrow because I've spent the last hour writing this while crying.

So, that's fun.

Thanks for reading.

Until next time (whenever that will be),

~MsPenguingirl1234.

Published: August 25, 2021.