Hello!

This is a rant of frantic anxiety-induced thoughts. You have been warned.

First time babysitting four kids and a dog by myself. Ugh, I love the thought of babysitting this small group of kids, but gosh, my anxiety is killing me.

I've met them and everything, why is my anxiety suffocating? I'm sick to my stomach! Dude, I've watched children in impossible situations before, why is this different?!

Yes, I will be alone with the kids (I'm usually with another adult or teenager) and it will be at there house, but...gosh! Anxiety! Why do you do this to me?!

I can't back out now, less than an hour before I start! Fudge! Why?!

I'm shaking and on the verge of crying! And for what? Four-five hours of watching kids? Plus a pug? How is this such a stressful thing? I could do this in my sleep.

I was fine until the last few hours building up to it. Here I am, overthinking (of course! Nothing changes...) about the craziest and outrageous possibilities.

Why did I agree to do this again? Because weeks ago when I had been interviewed and had met the kids! It was fine. A little anxiety at the beginning, but nothing like this!

Why? ...just why...?

T-minus forty minutes until pick up. I'm going to throw up. I can't concentrate on anything. My head is swimming in thoughts. My stomach is crawling up my throat.

I know I'm going to have a great time with these crazy and great kids. *Sighs* Why do I feel like everything is going to fall apart? All I have to do is play with them, keep them entertained, probably make them dinner, and put them to bed maybe.

Ages 12, 9, 7, and 4. I've had worse. I've had a few crying 2-3 year olds while taking care of a baby. I can do anything.

Nothing is impossible. Anxiety pulls you back and keeps you down. I have control. I can do situations like this. I'm going to be okay.

I will get out of this in okay shape. I'll be tired, I have to wake up before 7 tomorrow, and I have a meeting tomorrow after taking care of babies. I got this.

Take a deep breath and stay above the water.

T-minus thirty minutes until pick up. Now doing last minute preparations. I'm wearing comfortable clothes; a slightly bagging pair of jeans, one of my penguin shirts, a sweater, and my penguin earrings.

Nice enough but not too nice. A little childish to some people, although kids seem to enjoy it. They love my crazy animal shirts and/or jewelry.

Calming down now. I will get a spike of anxiety later when I get picked up/a few minutes before one of the parents come to pick me up. My family is down working vehicles so I'm getting picked up by one of the parents of the kids I'm going to be babysitting.

It also helps that they live the next street over and a little distance down. Too far to walk in the snow.

Yeah, and that's another thing that has my anxiety out of wack. This weather. Ugh!

I hope you all realize I'm going to be publishing this over my time with the kids. Me typing this out is to help calm myself down.

I may feel sick to my stomach, I may have this urge to cry, and I may be running on about two hours of sleep, but it will all be worth it.

I love kids. Sometimes, yes, it's a little too much. The reward of watching over them? A beautiful thing. To me at least. I know others who feel the same way, and it's totally fine if you don't feel the same. We're all different. I just happen to love working with animals and kids.

My passions.

T-minus twenty minutes. I'm feeling calmer and the feeling in my stomach has improved a little. It's still there just a little less now.

I'm exited. I'm freaked out.

My own self. My anxiety.

Oh, wow. I recognize this as anxiety and I'm not in control. I can't control what happens tonight. I can do my best and that's all I can do about it.

About this situation and my anxiety.

Tomorrow is tomorrow. I have done what I will do tomorrow too many times already and it shouldn't freak me out.

I can freak out and give into this panic attack when I get home tonight. I can go to sleep early.

If I can't sleep. I have a book or two that I can read.

I tried writing a new book of mine ten for the last hour, but I couldn't come up with the next scene. That's okay, I can work on it more tomorrow night or Monday. I have time.

T-minus fifteen minutes. I have to go to the bathroom again. Great. My bladder is acting up. Does that happen to anyone else who has anxiety? You can tell me through private messaging if that makes you more comfortable. I'm only asking.

Anyway, I look great. I may regret what I'm wearing later, but for now, I'm going to hold on to that thought.

I. Will. Get. Through. This.

I can and I will.

T-minus ten minutes. I'm okay. I'm doing just fine. These moments of panic will subside. I will get through this. Whether I succeed or not, I will focus on the present situation. I can dwell on past mistakes or situations and I can't look too far ahead or I'll get overwhelmed.

I am strong. This is my element. They're good kids. A bit crazy and rambunctious, but I've been around teenagers/young adults who are worse.

I can do this. There's nothing to this than experience of succeeding and failing and instinct.

I will be okay. I am fine.

Later. Later I will break down and let everything out. Now, I put together all of my confidence (the little pile that I have at this time), I use it all for the first ten-fifteen minutes. After that time, I will be comfortable and play with the younger three. And maybe the oldest if she wants.

I have my anxiety under control. I may feel a hurricane of emotions and thoughts on the inside, but the outside shows a little nervousness and courage.

I am brave and strong.

I've got this.

My prep talk and ranting is helping nicely.

T-minus five minutes. Putting my shoes on. Not the shoes I would like to wear. The ones I want to wear, the zipper broke on it. I was so upset. Still am.

Normal conversation now. Normal breathing. Small, tiny butterflies in my stomach.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I've got this.

In a few minutes when they get here to take me to their house, I will freak a little, but with a little conversation, I'll be fine.

We're good.

T-minus one minute. I got a text saying they were running a little late. That's fine. That's okay.

I've got this. There's nothing else to it. I can get through this.

Whenever they pick me up and take me to their house, I will have those panicked moments, but it gets better.

I was anxious last night for a get together and it turned out great! I even talked about my book! I blame my overly-proud mother for getting my to realize how big of a deal writing and publishing a book is.

I love my mother, but sometimes...you're embarrassing me with praise and bragging about me. Thanks, Mom, for what you do. Even though you may never see this...

*Shrugs*

I'm running on little sleep, but that's okay. I've done worse. That sounds bad.

It's the truth though.

Five minutes after the original time. I'm getting a little crazy with my ranting and thoughts, but that's okay.

It's okay to not be okay. And you need to be okay with that.

Nothing turns out the way you expect it to be.

I have plans and solutions for a lot of different problems that may come up. Key word; may.

There is really no way of knowing what is going to happen.

Time to eat glasses and coat on.

I thought they were here, but it was one of the ladies that live down the street.

We're good. We've got this. We can get through it. Together. With the help of four wonderful kids.

Nervous and anxious. Not a good combination. Still, I've got this.

Now the dog is waiting with me. He needs to go upstairs with my little sister...ugh, dog! Really?! *Laughs*

The dog can probably sense my anxiety. Thank you, dog!

Fifteen over the original time. Oh dear...my anxiety!!!

Leave!!!!!!

*Giggles through the panic* Think positively! I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I've got this!

This is kinda good. The wait, I mean. My anxiety is going down even more as the time goes on for some reason.

Twenty over the original time. *Sighs* I'm waiting, waiting, waiting. Keep on waiting, waiting. With more waiting, waiting, waiting. Got to keep on waiting. Waiting!

I'm now getting a little bored. No wonder, I'm over 1500 words now! That doesn't happen unless I'm bored...or repetitive. *Shrugs* I don't really care right now.

I think they are here.

They were. It was them.

The parents had been in a hurry when they picked me up. I was given instructions while in the three-four car ride to their house.

It was supposed to be an easy night with the kids. I was expecting a lot of things, but for the smoke alarm and then the house alarm to go off wasn't something I thought would happen.

I was only helping the nine year old out with starting the shower. Apparently it went so hot that the steam made smoke. I was so terrified when I heard the two oldest kids yelling my name in panic. That's when the smoke alarm and the house alarm went off.

I'm one hour and about fifteen minutes until I'm done. It's not that I don't like the kids, I'm just exhausted from the lack of sleep and the horrific emotions of the craziness that the alarms had caused.

Oh boy. It's going to be a long hour.

And now I'm over 1700 words. That's fun. This is my weekend of fun. Sarcasm is a huge thing in that sentence.

Well, now I'm home and I am so tired. Physically and emotionally. It can't take more of this day!

Good night!!!

~MsPenguingirl1234.

Published: March 3, 2018.