WARNING: This is a rant. I normally don't rant about things, this time, I made an exception. I needed to get all of this off of my chest.

So, I messed up. Again.

I did something that I will regret for a long time. I got close to someone and I let them in. Turns out, they didn't understand me at all. They kept pursuing me even after I called it off.

I get that they love me, but actively pursuing me when they know I don't want a relationship is wrong.

I thought I did, though I have made that mistake before. My thinking of romantic relationships is poor. I have terrible judgment.

For the whole summer, I wholeheartedly knew they were reading everything I post on here and I feel exposed over that fact. I feel like they saw right through me, then twisted everything into their liking. They ask me question after question about my past and constantly bring it up to my face as if I'm not a different person today!

They go on and on about their past and I get it, it's hard to overcome things of the past, but bringing it up over and over again doesn't help when you are trying to move on.

They ask for advice and when I give my opinion they act as if my words are the greatest thing ever. I could kill someone and they would hold me on this high pedestal.

Way too high to be normal.

I tried to stay friends. I tried to keep a distance. I tried everything. The only way out of every situation that they put me through is to disappear completely.

I'm fine doing that in real life. To move away and not look back would be great.

Disappearing off of Wattpad because what one person did to me would kill me. I spent years here writing out my thoughts, my emotions, my being, and one person is driving me to the edge.

But, I can't tell them all of this, it would crush them. Am I really going to hurt someone so bad where their low self-esteem gets lower or will I continue to be nice and wait until I die completely on the inside?

Being around them kills me, not being around me kills them.

It's a hard choice. Way too hard.

All I know is if I tell them all of this, they would take it the wrong way. They don't understand, they never did. They try and try, only to go nowhere except backward.

I'm done.

My mind flashes back to almost two years ago when I was at the breaking point with my ex-boyfriend. This situation is almost exactly like that one, but this time, I can't be freed from this ex.

I am so done.

I don't know what else to do...

I've tried talking; that went nowhere.

I've tried distancing; that went nowhere.

I've tried cutting all contact; that went okay for a short time.

I've tried, point blank, talking out what I want and they say they have changed and they will listen; that's a lie! It's all about them and compromises? How about understanding that I've given everything and I have nothing else to ever give them.

I'm done.

I want my freedom back. I want to be able to write on here like I used to be. I want to be me again because I feel as if I haven't been myself in a long time.

I spend too much of my time texting and calling, I keep missing some great times with friends and family because of that.

I used to cry during this song, though now I really understand it.

I know I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

(Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri)

I used to listen to that song a lot before, during, and after my breakup two years ago.

I don't know why I'm listening to songs that I haven't listened to in years. Maybe it's because I heard an old song a few days ago and it has me going down memory lane, music-wise.

Anyway, I'm going to publish this and see where it takes me.

Hopefully, this doesn't get misunderstood and I wake up tomorrow to calls and messages from someone who doesn't know when to quit.

I don't know if I'm going to bed right after I publish this or not, but maybe this time, I will get things done and write on here more.

Later!

~MsPenguingirl.

Published: October 20, 2018.