I want to start off and say that anxiety sucks sometimes. Okay, most of the time. And throw in an pandemic along with school...I'm going to die from the sheer insanity of it all. 

I wanted to start this off with what happened this morning,  but then I had to quickly suck it up and study for an exam that happened a few hours later. I was going to wait until after my classes to write this, but then...I ended up having an emotional breakdown. 

It was a terrible situation. A terrible start to the day and it still hasn't ended yet. What more could go wrong?

As I'm going through some documents I have to sign and turn in to go on campus next week for some lab classes, I'm realizing how hard this will be for me. 

We are told to take this self-assessment and then wait until we get a cleared or not cleared to go on campus. We have to be honest with our answers and COVID symptoms are similar to my anxiety symptoms. 

Right now, I'm having chest pains and I KNOW that I do NOT have COVID. The chest pains comes from the traumatic day I have been having. Plus, with my period (that I am currently on and I am having the same kind as I did last month...) I am experiencing really bad nausea. 

I'm worried that I won't be able to get on campus because of the symptoms that I am experiencing that is not COVID-related as I am healthy. Aside from the crippling anxiety, depressive episodes, and a fourteen day long period that is on the horizon for me. 

Wow, I guess this year can get worse!

And, here I was thinking I was an optimist. I need to redo my book report for school now. Another thing that needs to get down this weekend. 

That was only what happened in the last few hours. I was okay in my first class at 11 this morning. It was my second class at 1 in the afternoon that hit me as if I was fighting in a Colosseum and I was doing okay until I was blinded half way through. 

It sucks because I have some experience with the dark. 

I was torn to shreds in the exam as halfway through one of my classmates decided to not respect others by stabbing their keyboard as much as they could. I choked up on a VERY easy question and it took me about three minutes to finally get the answer. By that time, it was too late. I had lost too much time. I managed to push through the rest of the exam with about thirty seconds to spare. I know I didn't do so well on it in the end.

And that wasn't the worst part of my day. No, of course, an emotional breakdown isn't the worst part of my day. There has to be something much WORSE. 

Seriously though, this morning threw me off. I had this horrible dream where I was late to my zoom classes and...I guess you could say my past demons came at me in a dream filled with disappointment and tardiness. 

If that wasn't bad enough, I woke up before 8:30 AM and classes didn't start until 11 AM. 

Why is my life like this? 

It hurts (like almost physically) to know that I had a schedule I was going to follow today to ease up some of the workload for this weekend, only I did none of it as I'm finally recovering from the emotional breakdown! 

I got done with my exam ten before 3 and I sat down to write this around 8 in the evening. Writing this is the most productive thing that I have done aside from going to classes and having a hard time with the exam. 

Although, I did get up a few times while I was writing this to do some other non-essential things. 

There is one good thing that has come out of it all. I want to come back to writing. Real writing. Sitting down and typing before getting up to dance to a song that would happen to play as I write. 

I get my best writing done that way. I have to feel what the character feels. I have to pace to create the world, the building, the atmosphere, and the scene that I see in my mind's eye. 

Sucks that I get inspiration when I am enrolled in a full-time program that is currently kicking my butt. However, there needs to be balance. I need to create a balance between school and writing because I am done wasting time sitting down and doing nothing. I need to get my life back in my control.  

That's a lot easier said than done. 

In the meantime, I am going to wrap this up and start going over my notes from today. I don't have to wake up early (and this week has taught me that I need more sleep), so I'm going to sleep in as much as I can. The only thing that is happening tomorrow is Grey's vet appointment. He's getting a HW test done as he's over one. He also needs one before he gets a orchidectomy sometime in December or January as his vet is booked until then. 

I forgot how fun it is to say medical terms. 

The abbreviation HW means heartworm. And the orchidectomy is the surgical procedure to neuter. 

So, yeah. Even though this program is hard, I am in love with the profession. I am merely having some temporary issues that are mainly due to the pandemic. 

I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday. I've been done with this school week since Monday. 

Alright, that's enough for this journal entry. I've decided to use this as more of a journal again. I feel as if I have lost sight of a few things. Growing up to be the person I am today didn't happened in a good way. 

I may be 21 years old (that is a huge adjustment in itself), but I am lacking maturity in a few things. It could have been due to the fact that I was homeschooled, but my other homeschooled friends didn't struggle with what I am struggling with. 

That's okay because I am strong enough to take on this program. I just need to enjoy the ride! 

You have no idea how much I am laughing right now! I do need to finish that report though. And start on my breed cube. Which reminds me, has anyone ever heard of the dog breed Clumber Spaniel? I didn't know it existed until last month. 

The more you know, I guess. 

This has taken a turn. The more I write, the more I want to write because I haven't written on my tablet computer in so long. I forgot how much I have missed typing with an actual keyboard. 

I might go work on a few things and then write. I don't know if it will be TUAoC, TPS, or another short story of mine. 

Until then! Later!

~MsPenguingirl1234.

Published: September 17, 2020.