It's been eight days since I last updated this book. In those eight days a lot had happened. I went out with my boyfriend and his grandma, had some fun playing putt putt and had some lunch.

That was Friday (can't remember for the life of me what I did Thursday...), and my boyfriend worked Saturday.

I was feeling very well since then...more like I haven't been feeling the best since Wednesday...Still not feeling the best...

Anyway, I had ordered the Maze Runner series and I read the first three books over the weekend. I had watched the movies and knew the basics...that didn't prepare me for the third book...let's just say I cried for days...I'm STILL crying over it...So, I regret reading the third book and I'm hesitant on the third movie...

Yesterday I watched the movies again...and I'm still in the beginning of the fourth book...

...You have no idea how hard it is to update right now...

I'm ranting and all over the place...I can't seem to grasp a single thought in the dark sea of my mind...

I'm thinking and thinking, not able to slow down nor stopping...

No one gets my reality, because I'm not in reality...I made a place for myself and it's not writing anymore...

I'm slowly losing myself again...reason why I don't bring my other personalities into the open...I lost control once, I'm not going back to that...

To make it worse, I haven't left the house since Friday, haven't seen my boyfriend since Friday, and I last talked to him Tuesday afternoon...

No calls, no texts, and worst of all, no emails.

I don't understand what reality is anymore...

I'm lost in the music and my own mind...

Haven't wrote anything useful for a while. And, I think I'm losing my ability and passion to write...

Maybe I am depressed...Maybe I am in need of human interaction that's not my dirty minded siblings...

Haven't seen my counselor since the fourteenth...not seeing her until the twelfth...

I have a busy weekend ahead of me, while most my family goes on vacation...

And, I'm having a unknown situation with one of my best friends and my boyfriend...I have no idea what's happening and there's TOO much on my mind...

I am finally sleeping all through the night, but I'm waking too early and I'm going to fall over in exhaustion one of these days...

I may need a break, but at this point, I don't know what WILL help...

Too many unanswered questions...

This is worse than the first time, I can't remember half the things I wrote here and...

~~~~~~~~

That was me this morning with six hours of sleep. Having taking about a two hour nap, eating, talking to actual people, finishing the Maze Runner series, talking to my boyfriend, and Panda spamming me (...along with others...you know who you are...), I feel refreshed and with a content happiness with life.

Yeah, right now sucks for multiple reasons, but I have loved ones and my music.

I just watched a video on YouTube saying how he's been getting hate comments saying he should just delete his channel. It got me thinking.

I dreamed of being famous and everyone reading and liking my books, but I lost the part that was there for the fun of it.

Putting all my frustration and emotions into words, being able to just let go and be free. Yes, I stress myself sometimes, but with anxiety, what doesn't stress me out?

I'm still feeling like I'm going to cry and bawl my eyes out. The real question is, when do I not feel like that with anxiety? Plus, with me being sensitive...it's not a good combination.

I know I'm getting a little of topic and all over the place, but truth is...

...And I don't know where I'm going

But I know it's gonna be a long time...

It may not be what the lyrics mean, but to me these lyrics really show me the possibilities. I may not know half the time, but I know I have a long journey ahead of me called life.

I'm eating, I'm having human interaction. I'm on the way of recovering me little funk that really had hurt me mentally.

I still may feel like I'm coming down with a cold and my sleep schedule is off (when is not?), I know I'm getting back with life and I have a busy weekend ahead of me.

I may not write as often as I would like (or like I have in the past...now those were the days), I still will update and be on Wattpad. Don't worry, after the scare...I'm done with that kind of thinking and I haven't thought of any kind of self-harm since.

A big accomplishment that I have to thank all of you for. Without you I would be a shy and anti-social mess, never leaving my bed. Only reading and snuggling in my blankets...now that I have done that for the last few days, I'm done with not doing anything.

I'm going to do more, get out more, LIVE more.

~~~~~~~~

The reason I am publishing all this, is because I'm real. I don't like faking. I may hide things from people, but if you earn my trust I become more open.

I have told some OCF members things my FAMILY doesn't know about me. I feel  real with them, if I have a problem I can tell them.

I have ranted more to all of you than any other time I can think of. I rant when I'm passionate about something and these past few days have opened my eyes to many things.

I should go, I have a song to write...

~MsPenguingirl1234.

Published: June 30, 2016.

P.S. I am not going back and editing the top part of this. I'm leaving it to show how much I go through, I don't want to sugarcoat it.