thank you for 16k. (:

mentions of loss, self harm, therapy, and ptsd induced nightmares

—-

harry's therapist seemed pretty alright.

her name was sidney and she had blue hair. she couldn't have been more than twenty-four. a black hoop rested on the side of her nose and she wore her hair in a bun. she was in her first placement at the center harry was now part of, and harry was one of her only four patients she had. she was sweet. harry imagined that if he could hear her, she would sound like a chipper young girl with a bit of gravel in her voice.

just by taking in the scenery of her office, he liked her already. she had succulent plants sitting on her desk with a photo of her dog by her computer, it looked like a german shepherd. she had a table in the far left corner with coloring books for one of her younger clients, blank drawing pads and a container of fidget toys. her room was a spectrum between a grade shool classroom and an actual therapist's office with a copy of the infamous starry night painting and posters with positive self talk hanging above the table.

the shelf on one of the walls was littered in books on sign language, adolescents, adults, mental illnesses, grief and journals. she mentioned to harry's sister that she kept empty notebooks on hand for her clients once they started one on one partnership as a release for them to write about their days or take notes for skills. it was something she herself used when she was in therapy once before. it was probably unprofessional for her to mention but she told kate that she understood where harry was coming from in a point of trauma because she lost her father when she was twelve. when she started her own counselling sessions around fourteen, she realized her calling was to help others when they had nobody else to turn to. she believed therapy was a good thing and everyone could use it, even if it was just for one session.

harry and his sister would sign back and forth while kate and sidney discussed what he was saying. sidney continued to type on her computer and have harry answer questions about how he was feeling that day, if he was having any thoughts that could potentially lead to hurting himself and if he believed he had a good support system. harry responded that he was alright, no triggers, and his support system was what kept him going. he wondered what would happen if kate was with him if one session he mentioned he was having a bad mental day and thoughts. would she tell their aunt? possibly, because harry doesn't open up anymore. would sidney send him away?

sidney mentioned that harry should have a permanent translator for their appointments by the end of the month. she wasn't fully equipped on sign language but could translate and converse. it would just be better if there was a translator as well. the idea of having harry go to a deaf therapist was in the waters as well, they just needed to find a center and get a referral if that's what harry wanted to do.

kate was able to attend harry's sessions for two more weeks and be kept up to date until then. at first, jean was worried it could violate hippaa but harry listed his sister and his aunt as the only ones allowed to attend sessions with him. he wasn't ready for louis to dig into his brain yet. the boy had his heart, but it was definitely too soon.

harry and his therapist made a temporary plan that if he needed a session before his intended appointments to have one of his relatives call the office and try to get him in after hours in case appointments were booked. after sidney took in harry's assessment when he was assigned to her, she learned about his severe post traumatic stress disorder and attending therapy after years without it can easily startle him. he was fully medicated for his anxiety, partially on his sleep medication (sometimes he wouldn't get up and would end up missing classes), but needed to work on closure. if he needed her, he knew where she was.

harry hated his old therapist mainly because she pushed him too quickly. sidney takes her information in and works with what she has. harry likes that. she's easy going with a drive to help as much as she can.

kate just hoped he wouldn't fall off the wagon again.

—-

louis watched harry like a hawk most of the night after jean mentioned he had a bad dream again, almost worse than usual, a couple days ago. it was nothing new to her but she was praying this therapy thing worked out. maybe that's what triggered it. now that the wound is being ripped open again, it's bleeding out everywhere.

harry was slumped beside the boy with his head on louis' tummy, one arm under his back and the other across his thighs. they were in the middle of watching the first deadpool movie when harry passed out, exhausted from his day of education, cleaning and waiting for his boyfriend to get off work. his hair was pulled back from louis getting lost in his own little world playing with it, gently brushing the mess of curls apart in his tiny fingers. his lips were in a small pout and very tiny puffs of breath hit an exposed part of louis' stomach. the sight was peaceful, but made louis tired himself.

louis ended up finishing the movie by his lonesome and started up something else just for background noise while he scrolled through his instagram. he decided to post a picture he took of him and harry in a mirror at the tattoo shop. harry was standing behind him with his chin on the boy's head and his arms loosely around his shoulders. harry's eyes were crossed and lou had a grin of adoration plastered on his face as he stared at the camera. it was one of his new favorites that he had saved to his gallery.

he captioned it with a little heart and tagged harry to it, continuing with his browsing once it posted.

harry tightened his grip around louis, a small disgruntled murmur coming out of his mouth. louis stroked his hair again, glancing down at him and didn't take his eyes off of him until he seemed decent until it happened again and louis felt harry begin to stir. he felt bad for him because he didn't know what to do and he wanted to help him but he needed someone else to guide him through it. kate mentioned harry calmed down with tea once he woke up and discovered not too long ago that a weighted blanket helped him fall asleep in a better state if he was too roughed up to knock back out.

there were mumbles from the sleeping lad and harry's face scrunched up as he continued to talk, which eventually got louder and louder. louis carefully moved himself out from underneath him and dipped into the nearest room, which belonged to kate. she already knew what was happening based upon the concerned look in louis' eyes.

kate rushed in and turned harry's light on, crawling in the bed with him and patted his face. even though he couldn't hear her voice, she still talked to him like she could bring him out of his unconscious state.

"haz, hey," she pats his cheeks again and pulls the blanket off of him. louis nervously bit his lip and asked what he could do for her, and she instructed him to get beside harry and grab his arms. he had a tendency to move around alot and he once hit kate in the jaw while he was having a nightmare so in order to prevent that from happening, this sometimes had to be a two person job.

following her directions, louis held harry's arms by his sides as kate tried to wake him. she warned him it could take a while until he calmed down or woke up, and to be prepared if he starts yelling or crying. she's done this for years, it's almost a ritual. she hurt for him because she wasn't there when the wreck happened, she didn't experience what exactly harry went through but she knew how bad it hurt him.

"you're okay, bub," kate says assuringly. "'s alright.."

a tiny squeak came from louis as harry tried to bring himself up. on instinct, kate grabbed him and pulled his back to her chest, wrapping her arms around him as he rubbed his eyes and laid his head against her. he stared at the ceiling as tears made their way down his pale face. he looked so broken, louis had never seen him like this before and it crushed him.

"downstairs in the cabinet above the stove is a box of chamomile," kate tells louis as she placed her hand on harry's forehead. harry indulged in the cold metal around her fingers. he was burning up. "'m sure you know how to make tea, it'd be a disgrace among brits if you didn't."

louis chuckled at her words and released harry's arms. he almost forgot he was holding him down. he was too worried about how bad this could have gotten if his nightmares really are as awful as harry's aunt claims they can be. he rubbed harry's wrists, kissed them and went downstairs to start up some tea and grabbed his backpack that was sitting beside the couch. he opened it and pulled out the sweatshirt harry got him at the thrift store and held it to his chest while waiting on harry's tea to get done. it didn't take long, by the time he made it back to harry's room the sleepy lad was posted up against the wall with his head on his sister's shoulder.

he looked at louis with sad eyes and apologized that he was here when it happened. this was the first night he had a bad dream with louis around but kate was grateful that louis got her before it got worse. sometimes harry ended up hurting himself by moving around too much, if louis didn't get up he could have been used as an accidental punching bag. then harry's guilt would have caused him to steer clear from louis for a while, it wouldn't have been good for his own sake.

louis carefully handed him the hot mug and put the sweatshirt in harry's lap before kissing his forehead. he sat on the other side of the boy, offering his hand for him to hold while he regained his sense of reality.

harry took a small sip of the tea and sat the mug on the nightstand, sniffling. kate rubbed his arm and patted his hand before releasing him, scooting over a bit so he could breathe. she was definitely a helicopter parent over him and she didn't even birth him. since they were in their early teens, she took him under her wing and made sure he knew right from wrong in the world. then when their parents died, they were inseparable.

"he'll be okay," kate assures louis, who was staring at harry's arms. "he's not gonna talk to me about it while you're here, but he's gonna be alright. he told me once that he was scared this would happen with you."

louis frowned and squeezed harry's hand. harry gave him a squeeze back, pulling louis' hand up to his face and pressed his lips against his knuckles. louis leaned over to cup his cheek, wiping away existing tears and harry couldn't help but let more fall free. he hated that louis saw him in his most vulnerable state, at his weakest, one of his lowest points. he put his hand on top of louis' and rested his face in his boyfriend's palm. his touch was relaxing. it was one that would make you fall into a million tiny pieces and never ask to be put back together with his soft skin and dainty fingers that had chipped black polish on their nails. louis' thumb stroked the top of harry's cheekbone until his tears faded away and his skin color came back.

"he should be asleep again in about an hour," harry's sister leaned over to kiss the top of his head and ruffle his hair a bit. harry blindly tried to smack her hand away but ended up just hitting his own head and he rolled his eyes. kate snickered to herself as her brother pulled louis to him and held him close. louis tucked his head in harry's neck as the lad clung to him as if he were searching for more comfort.

kate says to louis, "don't let him fall asleep without finishing that tea."

louis nods and closed his eyes as harry's breathing began to even out. the beats of his heart were still erratic, but he wasn't nearly hyperventilating anymore so that was a start.

kate goes to exit the room but turns once she makes it to the door. "hey lou."

"yeah?" louis turns his head to face her.

"thank you."

"of course," louis murmured. "he's gonna be okay?"

"he will be," kate nods. "come find me if you need me."

louis nods and hears the door shut once kate leaves and he sits back up to press his lips against harry's face, kissing the flushed skin from his temple down to his jaw. loads on his cheeks and two to his lips, resting his forehead on harry's once he pulled away. harry gripped his shirt in his hands and leaned forward to steal another kiss just to solidify his reality.

louis turned another film on as harry finished his tea silently. his heart ached for him.

harry shifted in the bed to where he was laying down and tugged on louis to pull him down with him. only this time harry had his head on louis' chest, arms around his middle while louis stroked his fingertips between his shoulderblades until he managed to fall back asleep again. it didn't last long, louis stayed up the rest of the night with him, and harry was silently thanking whatever gods were out there for bringing this sweet boy into his life.

—-

): poor harold

don't worry, this is just something that happens in harry's life. its part of his trauma. some chapters will mention his therapy sessions, there may be another nightmare scene but i'm not sure just yet.

hopefully an update comes soon! i've been working a lot & have had some personal issues going on so i haven't had much time to actually /sit/ and write, i just write here and there until i get a full chapter done. i appreciate you for sticking around. sorry for the long a/n!