Before y'all read this chapter, please know that I don't know anything about the kind of help a person would need in the case that they went through a situation even similar. This is fiction and Nila's problems are ones I wanted to deal with in a certain manner -- this was my way of helping a character cope. If you, or anyone you may know, has been harmed or is being harmed, please contact professional help. 

xKay

Nila 

Month One & Two 

Startling yellow eyes met mine in a no bullshit manner, meticulously styled eyebrows furrowed in an unbelieving slope in my direction. My hands were clenched together painfully in my lap, back ramrod stiff as I stared unblinkingly back at the vile creature in my wake, secretly hating every inch of her impeccably dressed body, from her Jimmy Choos to her Armani sack dress. Dr. Susan Taylor was the biggest bitch I'd ever met and despite the fact that I'd rather eat nails than admit this outloud, I knew she was going to save my life. 

We met twice a week, at least, and each time I was not allowed to bring in Cammie, instead had to swallow every bit of paralyzing fear and allow her to sit out in the waiting room in the arms of the man who'd encouraged me to come meet the miracle worker his mother had suggested. While the pair of them waited on me, I sat fighting every instinct I had, haltingly allowing small truths to slip off my tongue. Month one had been the hardest for me, especially with Dr. Taylor being as aggressive as she was -- I had briefly read up on dealing with sexual assault victims and all forums pointed to patience, gaining trust, honesty and openness -- except this was the exact opposite of what she had done. She pushed, took no half -assed answers, and somehow I knew it was exactly what I needed. According to her, I was aware of the problem I had but was unwilling to admit it to anyone but myself, even though holding it back was slowly killing me. We approached my problem head on. 

The first step had been admitting it -- to her. 

My throat had seized, air caught as I opened my mouth to speak. The words didn't want to come out even as I willed my tongue to move. Clammy hands gripped at the edge of my shirt, tugging the soft fabric anxiously as my heart throbbed in my chest. I could feel the need to suck in air, the urge to run making my legs tingle with anticipation. I didn't want to say it, but I knew I needed to. Those three words stuck in my chest, they were slowly dousing the flame within and soon it would be gone -- old Nila, strong Nila, she'd be gone forever. But admitting those words to someone else made them so much more real. The act, the memories, the pain. Was I ready for that? I already suffered from paralyzing nightmares that made me not want to sleep for days on end, made me want to scream as I woke. 

It had been as I was about to chicken out that she spoke again, her tone so soft I was fearful it had just been a hallucination. 

"This isn't just for you, Nila. It's for Cammie, too."  Cammie, my precious baby, who I could've harmed due to my resistance to sleep. Because of nightmares. Because of them and what they'd done. 

The dam had broken with that statement. Tears, snot, hiccups, and finally, finally the words that needed to be said. 

"They raped me." 

Month Three & Four 

"You're glaring at me again, Nila." Dr. Taylor said, eyeing me with an unreadable emotion in those demon yellow eyes. Of course I was glaring at her. I could hear my child crying out in the hall making every one of my mommy instincts go haywire and the devil in front of me wouldn't allow me to leave. I knew it wasn't dire, I knew my child's cries, this was just her being generally fussy, but that combined with not wanting to be stuck in this room with my therapist was enough to make my anger spike. Fear masquerading as anger, that is. Today was the day she wanted to push me a little more -- admitting it had been one thing, talking about the incident had been another. I still hadn't warmed up to the idea in the weeks that she'd been warning me to prepare myself. 

I wasn't prepared, I didn't want to be here. 

But I knew I needed this. 

"We can start slow, if you like."

Not a chance in hell, I thought grumbling heatedly under my breath at her. 

In an attempt to distract myself, I looked around her office, at anything but her. No matter how many times I came into her office, I never ceased to be surprised by the beautifully decorated space. Charcoal grey walls, silver accented furniture and cool blue pillows dotted the room -- a soothing vibe oozing from the area. I was sure it was made this way intentionally, in order to keep a patient calm. I found myself soaking in the feeling, attempting to embrace the contentedness. Was everything okay? Was I fixed magically and whole again? Not even close, but I was getting better. I was trying. I pushed myself to go out of the house little by little. I didn't flinch quite so much when my dads came near me -- I'd even managed to actually embrace my Papa three nights ago, which in turn had made the man break down in hysterical sobs once I'd released him causing Daddy to run into my bedroom protectively. In all honesty it had been a miracle. I hadn't willingly touched anyone in so long that while my heart had been about to leap out of my body from fear, my eyes had stung with tears of joy. I was able to place my arms around the body of the man who'd taken me into his heart so long ago, who'd raised me. I'd hugged my papa. Even now the thought brought tears to my eyes. What kind of broken was I if I couldn't even hug the people who loved me beyond measure?

"Nila," she sighed, shifting her long legs in order to lean forward in her plush chair, high heeled feet dragging across the fluffy carpet."Nila, should we try another time?" She was vigorous in how she went about helping me, she surprisingly acknowledged that I had limits. If I didn't talk about what happened on that night with her today, I knew I never would and it was possible that I could likely backtrack and lose all progress I'd made -- little as that progress may seem. 

"I -- it happened at a party, one I wasn't even supposed to be at." I began haltingly, eyes stinging with tears as they met hers.

Month Five & Six 

I was calling her in a panic, my throat nearly closed as the phone rang endlessly -- I needed to hear her voice, to get an answer. She was the help I needed. She had the answers. Didn't she?

"Ni-" 

"Birthday party, forty people. I - I can't do this!" I screamed lowly, trying not to let my hysterics penetrate the thin material of the bathroom door that separated me from the rest of the world. The reason for my scare, for my terror. I should've expected this, honestly. My dads thought I was getting better -- the hugs had increased in number, turned from one attempt to turning to them for comfort when the nightmares had become too much. Since they were convinced I was okay they'd planned Cammie's first birthday and had invited so many people; more people than just Aunt Cassie, Uncle Ward and their brood -- it was practically all of Red Mire. My breathing had kicked up, the familiar clench of bile rising in my gut causing me to push a giggly Cammie into Walker's strong arms and dash toward the nearest safe spot, which happened to be the gust half-bath. And now here I was, huddled up like a coward in this tiny room as people were awed by the tiny creature I loved more than I loved myself. But it was too many. This number of folks in a small space conjured up images of that night, stirred up memories I'd rather not remember when celebrating the birth of the best thing that had ever happened to me. 

"Nila, I need you to stop and take a breath in. You're overthinking it. Are your dads there? Is Walker?" I did as she instructed, steadying my breath as I listened to her ask her questions. Of course my dads and Walker were here. At my grunted positive response, she laughed lightly and asked why I was so concerned if my protectors were there. Her amusement made my hackles rise normally, but now I saw the humor in what she did -- why was I so concerned about it if I had my biggest security blankets here? They would never allow me to be harmed, no matter what. 

When I was calm again, we spoke for a moment or two longer and she bid me soft goodbye with a firm promise that she'd see me on Tuesday and we'd discuss what had just happened in detail. She told me to enjoy myself and to love on that sweet baby of mine before I heard a click. I wanted to collect myself before I returned to the party. Phone forgotten I began to clean my face and breathe out, wondering if I'd ever get the light back in my eyes.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" I could hear Aunt Cassie's worry outside the bathroom door as I went to unlock the door, gnawing on my lip as I hesitated. Something struck deep inside as I listened to her speak to me, her worry so thick that it polluted the air. My eyes misted over with tears. I had pushed this woman away? My mother of sorts. The woman who'd held me as I cried over my period, defended my actions against overzealous fathers? My whole body trembled with this realization. I was punishing her for things no one could change and she wasn't angry with me. How had I gotten so lucky to be loved by people like this? Unyielding in their forgiveness, in their love?

Suddenly I couldn't stand the barrier between the two of us -- I simply yanked the door open and threw my body against hers, wrapping arms solidly around her as I cried for her forgiveness. Her soft vanilla scent embraced me back and I was hit with the urge to blurt everything at her. 

Was this the feeling Dr. Taylor was always telling me about? The need to tell someone. Almost the desperation?

"Oh, Nila," I heard her sigh, her arms tight around me in return. "I've missed you so much, baby girl." 

And I knew in that moment, I'd be okay -- eventually. 

Walker

Months Seven, Eight & Nine

Something had changed in Nila, something that caught everyone by surprise and made people stop and stare. She wasn't completely healed, we all acknowledged this. No, we knew it would take time but we were watching with bated breaths as she grew, day by day. Instead of the shell of the woman we all loved, she changed back into something similar to the woman we'd all known before she left for North Carolina. 

Looking back to Cammie's first birthday, walking in on her with her arms wrapped tightly around my mama had made me halt in my steps, kicked me square in the gut -- that was the Nila I knew. She was growing more each day and I was so grateful to Dr. Taylors for everything she was doing. Nila smiled, laughed and teased, almost as if nothing had ever changed but there were times, oh there were times when she looked off into space absently and you could see this yearning for something -- for normalcy, for a life that wasn't plagued by nightmares, maybe. I knew from Uncle Donnie that she still had them, though not as frequently as before. She still kept me at arms length, still kept her heart guarded from me, but I was determined. I'd known since I was seven that I would be the man Nila Saunders married, she just had to realize it too, she had to heal.

It was okay though, I would wait as long as it took. I'd never back away from her, no matter how she pushed me. 

Month Ten

With a bouquet of dark red roses and a bag full of miscellaneous candies, I was headed over to see Nila and Cammie, wondering how she'd take my surprise Valentine's Day visit. Nila had disliked the holiday for as long as I could remember, but it never stopped me from getting her something, even as a knobby kneed fourteen year old who had constructed a particularly sloppy card from his mother's pile of construction papers in the craft room. 

Uncle Donnie and Uncle Jack had called to say they were going to have a romantic dinner and spend the night in Dallas, wanting to know if I would be open to checking in on the girls -- what they still failed to realize was that they were my girls. I was madly in love with Nila and Cammie had been mine since the first sonogram, genetics be damned. I know knew what dad meant when he talked about the unconditional love of a parent. I spent more time with them than I did at home anymore. No one cared and everyone noticed. 

Pulling up to their home put a smile on my face, I couldn't wait to see her reaction when she opened the door. Giddy with happiness I practically ran from my track to the door, knocking on the door with enthusiasm. Her smiling face met mine in seconds -- and my heart skipped a beat at the soft look that entered her eyes as she took in the large bouquet of flowers I held out to her. With hesitant movements she took them from me, her smile fading as she looked back up at me, an unexpected emotion crossing her face; the flowers disappeared from my field of view. 

"I need you to not move," she requested, her words breathless. "Please." this word was almost too low to even recognize. 

The word shifted under my feet and had I not promised her I wouldn't move, i likely would've fallen on my ass from shock because suddenly, painstakingly, her lips were against mine in a ghost of kiss before I could even register what had happened. Heat knocked me square in the chest and I felt hope bloom for the first time in a long time. 

Nila 

One Year

"You've improved so much in the last year, Nila. I've managed to speak with your parents who are so proud of your progress. Your aunt came in per your request two weeks ago and revealed that you talked to her -- how did that make you feel?" Dr. Taylor asked, her yellow eyes studying me as she rested lazily against the new lounger in her home office. Today she was barefoot in a pair of paint stained jeans and baggy college sweatshirt, her dark hair pulled away from her face in a careless manner. We'd been meeting in her house for the last few months of my sessions, more comfortable with this arrangement than the one before. I recalled the way I felt this time last year, the hatred, terror, anger I felt with and towards her -- resentment for some reason. I was no longer the same woman I'd been before. Scared of everything, alone -- freezing out everyone I loved. 

But I was by no means finished growing. 

"It was," I took a deep breath in, chewing my lip slowly, "freeing. I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I cried for so long, told her every part of. Even the part about Walker insisting that he'd lie to people and say he was the father if I wanted. She probably cried more than I did, Dr. Taylor and while I hated seeing her so heartbroken I was so happy to have admitted it to her because it means I'm not alone anymore." My heart in fact felt lighter, not so hurt by keeping the truth of Cammie's conception hidden. My aunt and I had grown closer, and I knew I'd made the right decision in telling her my pain.

"I, uh, also spoke to my dads." I blushed at the approving gaze she sent my way. I respected Dr. Taylor and I wanted her to see how much I'd taken everything she'd said into account. Telling my dads had been a nightmare, but I had felt nearly as much relief from admitting it to them as I had with Aunt Cassie. My Papa had bawled for nearly two days straight and Daddy had stone walled us both until he'd finally broken down -- a sight I'd never seen before in my entire life. It had broken my heart and while Cammie had played innocently on her mat with the mass of toys she had accumulated over the last week it seemed, we watched with proud eyes knowing that had it not happened, she would never have existed. 

"And what about Walker, have you revealed the truth to him?" I could practically feel the color draining from my face when she asked. 

"No." 

"Can you not trust him with this information?" 

"Of course I can!" I yelled, my face scrunching up tightly. I could trust Walker with anything. Nothing was off limits, but I simply couldn't force myself to tell him what had happened that night over two years ago. What if he went looking for them? He was fiercely protective. 

"Then why is he the seemingly last to know? You trusted him enough to kiss him all those months ago, and nearly every day since. Enough that you can sleep beside him for nights on end, now. Is he so untrustworthy that he can't know? Why waste your time with him in that case, Nila?" She pushed, a determination I knew all too well entering her eyes as she watched me. My gut twisted uncomfortably. Why hadn't I told Walker yet? I knew I could trust him, that he would support me with everything he had in him, so why didn't he know? Why did it kill me to be completely honest with a man I wanted to spend my life with? 

"Because telling Walker... Telling him means that I have to go back and admit what really happened all those nights ago." I hissed, trying to fight the tears I felt stinging my eyes. "And I'm terrified, Dr. Taylor. What if they've done this to another girl? What if -- would that make what happened to her my fault?"

With a soft look in her eyes, she shook her head, understanding crossing her face in a manner that calmed my fears. She had the answers, like always. 

"No, Nila. To help others you've gotta help yourself first, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes. You weren't ready or able to help anyone before. You would've harmed yourself more had you tried. We've talked about this, Nila. You are a victim, anyone else is a victim, and it is never a victim's fault." 

I nodded in understanding, wiping stray tears from my face as I tried to fight off the wave of emotion rising within me. I knew what this meant and it made a whole new level of fear strike me, one that this time I wasn't sure I'd survive. 

I had to tell Walker everything, and hope he still loved me just the same.