Chapter 9 - Praises

I stop singing when I hear clapping and I literally jump on the little bench and end up on the floor, sitting on my bum, my eyes as big as plates as I stare in shock at the person approaching to me with a smirk. She is gorgeous, that’s the first thing I notice. With bright red hair like mine, too red as to be natural. Her eyes are green and so full of life, her skin is fair and her smile is contagious. She looks so confident even in the retreat centre uniform. She looks like she owns every spot she steps on as she keeps walking in my direction whilst I stay still on the floor, staring like an idiot.

“That was absolutely amazing. You have such a lovely and unique voice. So raspy at some points and the way you hit the high notes. Oh, it gave me the chills. The good kind,” she speaks so naturally and I’m still on the floor.

I can’t stop humiliating myself, can I?

“Seriously, you are wonderful. I was just passing by when I heard you. Oh my God,” she carries on finally stopping in front of me and this time she offers me her hand to help me back on my feet. “I’m Mare, nice to meet you.”

As I’m holding her hand, I shake it but I don’t speak. I’m still too shocked and well, the usual stuff. Too nervous to even say a word.

“What’s your name, sweetie?” she asks, staring right into my eyes and I shiver. Not the good kind. I look everywhere, trying to find a way out. To run away like a cockroach when the light is on. “I know you can speak. You sing amazingly, so why won’t you tell me your name?”

I am shaking, as usual, my heart is beating like a drum set and I think I’m going to start to hyperventilate. My hands are sweating so I pull back from the handshake and take three steps back, just so I can breathe. Proximity doesn’t suit me.

“I-I-I’m…” I stutter, like a toddler. “I’m Ariel.” I finally manage to say and once the words leave my lips, Mare’s smile widens even more.

“Such a lovely name for such a lovely voice. Once again, that was amazing. And I’ve never heard that song before. It’s beautiful!”

I’m impressed. She speaks so enthusiastically and never losing her smile, while I’m still shaking like a nudist at the North Pole.

I know I have no way out, she doesn’t seem like the type that will just leave me alone. She’s more like my sisters, who would push me to speak and tell them what I’m thinking. She doesn’t look like Timmy or Carl, who just accepted I’m not a social girl and that smiling is already a big deal for me.

“I,” I start and I have to swallow the lump in my throat. “I-I wrote it,” I say closing my eyes, trying to imagine she’s not there.

It doesn’t help much, though.

“Wow, even more amazing. Girl, you are incredibly talented! Why are you hiding here? You should be ruling the world! With millions of fans wanting to be near you. Don’t you want the rest of the world to hear your music? I mean, I was blown away!”

Incredibly as it may sound, I smile at her words. She praises a song I was working on with such confidence, like she knows it’s the best song she’s ever heard when it’s not even finished. Hearing her talking like that about my music makes me feel all tingly inside, like I have butterflies in my stomach —I assume that’s the way to say how I feel. I’ve never felt like this before. I’m following what I’ve read in books and seen in movies.

My dad, my sisters and even my mum when she was alive used to tell me how good I was, but your family is bound to tell you that you’re great, even if you’re not. Especially when you’re shy and so insecure. It’s their duty as your relatives. But when strangers, when people you’ve never seen before, tell you that you are indeed a great musician... Well, in that case it's a whole different story. It feels real in a way I can’t really explain.

So I smile happily, warming up to her, the girl who just praised me and seems so excited with what I can do. She can’t be much older than me. Maybe twenty or twenty-one, so it really means a lot that she is saying this. It makes me want to hug her for being so nice but at the same time, I can’t move and I’m still shaking. I’m just happy that she likes my music.

“Th-thank you,” I say and I just fight harder to get rid of the lump in my throat.

“Really, you should be famous,” she insists but I shake my head vigorously and I see her frowning.

“Not possible,” I add and her frown deepens. “I can— I can barely talk to you. I would— I would die in front of two people.”

I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. I think that’s the most I’ve said to someone who’s not related to me.

“Stage fright?” Mare ventures and I cock my head from side to side, pondering.

“Social Anxiety Disorder,” I tell her and her lips part forming a big O, implying she understands what I mean.

I look down, feeling sad once again because I’d like to be on a stage, to make a living of my music, but I know I will never do that and it just hurts. Saying it out loud hurts even more.

“But you could work on that, you know? There are many socially awkward celebrities and they manage. Have you actually tried?” Mare tries again and I shake my head even more vehemently this time, even shaking my hands to show a big no. “Then how can you be so sure you can’t do this?”

“I’m dying right now,” I tell her in a whisper, almost choking and then hugging myself, trying to keep me from running away.

“Well, you can’t be forced. Such a pity, Ariel. You are amazing and the world needs more voices like yours. I would give my soul to have a voice like yours. I want to be a star, the brightest star ever seen. I wish I could have your talent,” Mare tells me with a deep sigh and I do the same.

“I wish I could have your confidence,” I whisper to myself but she hears me, even when I speak so low.

“Confidence can be gained and developed. A voice like yours is a gift, Ariel. You should think about it,” she insists again but I look away, shaking my head.

“Impossible,” is all I say, because I know. I’ve known it for many years. I can barely speak to this one person and I’m sure it’s because she’s kind of forcing me to speak. If I could run, I would be at home already. Or in another country.

I couldn’t speak to Timmy. I made Harry think I’m mute. There’s no way I can perform in front of someone. I fell on my bum when I saw Mare walking into the room! What would happen if I saw someone else? I would have a stroke.

“Such a pity,” Mare laments and I do the same, because it is a pity indeed. “Well, at least you can still sing to yourself. Do you work here? You’re not wearing the uniform,” she asks next and I wish she would just give up on me and leave me alone. It’s been hard enough.

“I live by the lake,” I reply quietly. “I only come here at night… to clean the instruments.”

“Oh, that’s why I've never seen you before. I’m kind of new, as well. I’m a masseuse. I was applying for this job for so long, so when a vacancy was open, I immediately took it! I know I can’t sing like you, but maybe I can meet someone here who can give me a shot. I could also be an actress. I just want to be a star,” Mare tells me and I’m impressed at how easily she shares that information about herself. Willingly! I haven’t asked her anything, yet she’s telling me more that I would’ve asked for. “Not all celebrities are talented, after all.”

I shrug, relying on body language once again. I know some artists can’t even sing or act, they always play the same part, yet still, they are famous. So I guess she’s right, it’s not always about talent, but about luck and perseverance, I guess.

“Anyways, I gotta get going. It was really nice to meet you and I know you say it’s impossible, but just for the record,” she speaks, taking a step back but still meeting my eyes. “I would buy your album in a blink of an eye.”

And with those words, she waves goodbye and turns around to leave the music room, closing the doors behind her, leaving me there, standing alone. It takes me almost five minutes to calm down and breathe evenly again.

This time it wasn’t that terrible, I guess because she managed the situation so differently. I guess she has that charm that I lack and she used it on me to make me talk. I actually had a conversation. Yeah, it wasn’t the most eloquent one, but I managed to say some full sentences. That’s massive progress for me! It was hard, I suffered, but I did it.

The thought of actually replying to Mare makes me so happy that I can’t stop grinning like a fool. I didn’t talk to her like I talk to my father or sisters, but it was better than what I tried with Timmy or that time I met Mrs Drennan and I almost started crying.

Mare must be magical or something because this is not normal. She did something to me, I’m sure of that. Some spell because this is a miracle.

I had a conversation.

I think I had totally given up on that dream of socialising. I wanted to try but I gave up more easily than breathing because I failed once. But then, Mare comes and makes me talk.

It is possible.

I don’t notice it but a small fit of giggles escape my lips and I have to cover my lips, too awestruck about what just happened and what it means. No, I still think it’s impossible for me to sing in front of an audience, but maybe I can speak to other people, have casual and meaningless conversations. Be a bit more normal.

But how do I do that? It’s not like now that I talked to Mare I’ll be social and friendly; I’m pretty sure that ninety per cent of what happened is thanks to Mare, but at least I have hope. I’m not as doomed as I thought and that’s such a big relief.

So with that hope bubbling inside of me and a smile still playing on my lips I close the piano and make sure everything is all right. Then, I leave the retreat centre, in a whole different mood than the one I came with.

This day wasn’t as disastrous as I first thought.

-:-:-:-

Dedication to @Dancland because she wrote a song for LSA! If that doesn't get dedication, then nothing does.

Bel, xx