Chapter 7 - Failure

I am a failure. Honestly, I tried but it didn’t work out as I wanted.

Okay, so here’s what happened this morning.

After breakfast I went to the crops as usual to greet my father and pick up the vegetables to take them to the retreat centre. I was determined to talk to Timmy, I had come to that goal last night and when I saw him I panicked. I’ve known him for a long time and still, knowing I had to talk to him made me feel like all what I had for breakfast was ready to leave me. My heart was beating in my throat and my hands were sweating. As I kept walking —don’t ask me how— I was looking at every possible way to escape. I was dying inside and I wasn’t even ten metres from him yet.

I finally stopped near him, at the other side of the truck and smiled at him. He smiled back, as usual and I closed my eyes, knowing I had to say something else. I had decided to do that, I had to try so I ignored my racing heart, my shaking limbs and took a deep breath. I kept repeating to myself that I could do it, that saying hi wasn’t that hard. It was Timmy! I’ve known him for almost a year. How hard could that be?

Well, let me tell you, it was pretty hard.

I stuttered, I almost choked on my own spit and I parted my lips like a fish out of water. Still, no sound came out. Timmy was staring at me, I knew, wondering if I was dying or something. It felt like I was dying.

“H-h-hello,” I managed to say after three days. Okay, not three days but at least a few minutes. It was just a hello and it took me so long. How pathetic?

Timmy didn’t reply immediately. Maybe he didn’t understand me, I’m still not sure about that. He blinked a couple of times before he parted his lips and said, “Hello, Ariel.”

And that was all. I tried to open my mouth again and ask him how he was but it didn’t work. He had things to do, he couldn’t wait three years for me to utter a sentence, so he left and I stayed there, feeling sorry for myself.

I’m more pathetic than I thought.

And now I’m here, at the dock looking at the water, reliving that scene from the morning and shaking my head at myself. I barely said hello. I know it’s an improvement, but I still feel like a failure. Speaking, making human contact is the most natural thing. It’s what makes us different from other species on this planet and here I am, proving I fail at the most basic human activity. Great, just great.

Maybe I am an Alien.

When I went to school and they realised I couldn’t talk to my classmates, they made me see the counsellor. I sat there for an hour and didn’t say anything. No matter how many things she asked me, it was useless. And it happened many times. So therapy wasn’t the answer for my problem.

I overheard once that I have a social anxiety disorder, and there should be an explanation for this, but no one can imagine why. Being home-schooled has nothing to do with that, all my sisters had the same system and they are fine. So it has to be something else.

I groan and shake my head, trying to stop thinking of this and just breathing. I focus my sight on my shoes, the old and worn out black All Star.

“Hey there,” I hear someone and jump, completely scared and surprised. No one is supposed to come at this time, the first trip takes place in an hour. I checked before coming here.

I turn around with my eyes wide open and my heart in my throat again just to find Harry behind me, smiling widely with his hands on his back. He’s only wearing some denim shorts, trainers and a plaid red shirt. A black fedora is hiding big part of his hair.

I only blink in surprise, I don’t even breathe, I’m just too surprised to see him here and I can’t even move. I can’t run away, he’s blocking my way to the house and I won’t jump into the water. I won’t be that rude, he’s already here.

What happened with Timmy today in the morning is nothing compared to this. To see him, awake and so close, smiling at me, his eyes locked with mine. I don’t know how it is that I’m not dead on the floor, my heart is beating way too fast for any human being. I’m shaking, not only my hands, my whole body is shaking and I feel like the ground is moving under my feet. Well, the wood from the dock.

He’s here, in front of me, waiting for an answer that I can’t make. I don’t think I can even take a breath!

God help me.

“You work here? I haven’t seen you in the centre,” he speaks again, noticing that I’m not saying a word. Maybe he’s used to girls freezing before his eyes. I bet this is not the first time it happens to him. He must think it’s because I’m a big fan and I’m too surprised. I am a fan, not that big but still.

I can’t speak, clearly, so I just nod.

“That’s great,” he smiles even widely, showing off his dimples and my heart races even more.

How’s that even possible? How can I still be alive?

He waits for me to say something but I’m just gasping like a fish. Again. Oh heck, why did he have to come now? I wanted to talk to him but not like this. I wasn’t ready!

“So,” he tries again and I know I should do something, at least to stop staring, but that’s easier said than done. “This lake is amazing. I came to the centre last year but this wasn’t part. I really like it.” He’s really trying to make conversation and I feel really bad that I’m not helping at all. “Uh—“ And the awkward part starts. I can see it in how he starts looking around, trying to find someone who can actually act like a human being. Could this be more humiliating? “So um… can I, you know, use a boat? I know it’s not the guided tour but I’ve done it before so I thought that maybe I could go alone. Unless it’s a strict policy that I have to go with company,” he speaks again and I blink.

I don’t know what to do so I just nod and I can finally move, so I turn to point at the boat.

“So do I have to go with someone?” he asks, frowning because he made many questions, I just nodded. So this time I shake my head and motion to the boat, hoping he’ll understand he can go alone. “Can I use it, then?” I nod as an answer and his smile comes back.

He takes a step closer and I freak out, taking two steps back, making him stop. I don’t know what my face looks like, but I bet I look scared because he raises his hands, showing me his palms as to say he won’t harm me.

“It’s okay, don’t be scared. I’m Harry, by the way. What’s your name?”

I open my mouth but nothing comes out, again. What a surprise, isn’t it?

“Oh, God. I’m sorry, you’re mute! I’m so sorry, I didn’t know,” he apologises and I blink in surprise again, never expecting that.

Me? Mute? Well, I might as well be considering I haven’t made any sound since he came.

I’m about to shake my head to let him know I’m not mute but he speaks again. “I’m sorry. I was… I was kinda hoping you were a girl I’m looking for. She saved me the other day and I— I just wanted to say thanks in person. Okay, I won’t bother you any longer.”

I don’t know what I was expecting but I know I feel disappointed when I know we won’t talk again —and by we I mean he talks and I only listen— and that he’s leaving. I don’t think I’ll have another chance and now he thinks I’m mute. Isn’t this wonderful?

I look down feeling angry at myself for not being able to answer to one of his questions.

“Bye…” He says one more time and I shut my eyes tightly because I can’t even tell him my name. I knew this would happen, I always knew. If I can’t speak to Timmy, who’s not even a stranger, how can I talk to Harry? A complete stranger who also happens to be a superstar?

I take a deep breath and look up again, this time meeting his eyes and I try to smile, but I don’t think it works. I wave goodbye and he approaches to one of the many boats by the dock. Once he starts working on getting the boat out of the dock, I hurry home, hugging myself as the wind keeps making my dress wave around my legs. I don’t look back once, I’m practically running back home, where I know I’ll be safe. It’s not like I’m in danger with Harry, but I’m in danger of having a panic attack. Or that I think so.

Once inside, I close the door and press my back against the wood, breathing heavily. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath all this time and onlynow I can bring air to my lungs. I can’t have enough and it takes me a while to finally calm down a bit, my heartbeat finally slowing down.

I’m honestly pathetic. How hard was it to at least say my name? Now he thinks I’m mute, that I’m not the girl who saved him and that I’m probably some kind of stupid girl that works here. Well, what happened today clearly shows I’m amazing and I can do what I want.

Not.

“I’m Ariel,” I say to no one. “It’s nice to meet you, Harry. Sure you can use the boat and I can go with you if that makes you comfortable. In case something happens, I can save you again. Oh yeah, I’m that girl. You’re welcome.”

I sigh again. That’s all I had to say. I’m not mute, I can speak those words out loud but I just can’t tell them to Harry because I’m a coward and a failure as a human being. Even the little mermaid when she didn’t have a voice did a better job than myself.

Mum really got my name wrong. I should’ve been named Violet, like shrinking violet. That would’ve suited me more.

“Bye, Harry,” I speak one more time leaving the door and deciding to concentrate on another thing. I can’t keep getting frustrated because I can’t manage to interact with other people. I’ve lived like this almost eighteen years, I can surely stay like this for the rest of my life.

I tried doing something to change but I failed and I think I blew my chances with Harry already. What’s the point of keeptrying? What am I going to tell him? ‘Hey, turns out I’m not mute. I’m just an idiot sometimes. Hope you don’t mind’? I’m not that stupid, even I have limits.

It’s hopeless. No one is going to help me and I don’t think I can do this alone. Here is where it ends.

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Dedication to @skyblue100 because comparing Ariel to Tarzan made me laugh for three hours! hahahahaha accurate, though.

Bel, xx