Chapter 5 - Try

After breakfast is the usual routine. I go to the crops, I greet father and smile awkwardly at Timmy, then take the vegetables to the centre and come back. But I’m hyperaware of everything I do and by everything I mean the lack of communication. Sure thing, being shy has always bothered me at some level, the fact that I don’t really have friends and I can’t even try to make new ones. But today… today is worse. Today I think of how even the people who know me don’t try to speak to me because they know I can’t utter an answer without stuttering and sweating. They gave up on me just like I gave up on myself, in that matter at least.

Let’s take the example of Timmy. We’ve ‘known’ each other for almost a year but I don’t think we’ve said a word to each other. Just smiles. He has never tried to make me talk, he just accepted it. He just smiles at me as a greeting and that’s all the communication between us. An awkward yet polite smile.

My dad talks to me but he’s done that since I was born. He talked to me even when I couldn’t hold my own head. It’s not hard to talk to him or my sisters because I’ve known them all my life, but strangers… I just paralyse.

And that annoys me so much right now because there are so many people that I could talk to, people I could meet, friends I could make… but I can’t even hope to speak up my mind. And I have so many things to say, so many ideas and thoughts. But I can’t. I can’t even imagine myself talking to a stranger.

I can write everything I feel and want to say, and make music with those words. I’ve written so many songs but with whom can I share those things? Is it of any use if no one else hears my thoughts whilst I sing them?

I wish I could close my eyes and pretend no one is around, that I’m alone and just speak… but I’m always aware of their presence.

I don’t know why I’m so scared, because I think it’s being scared. I know they won’t hurt me but there’s something about having people’s eyes on me that makes me so nervous. My heart starts racing and my palms sweat. I remember the first time I had to deal with new people in my life and how scared I was. Dad kept telling me that it was going to be okay, that I was going to make friends and have a great time but it didn’t happen like that.

The first thing I saw when I was walking inside the school, holding my dad’s hand because I was shaking already, was some older kids mocking and laughing another poor kid. I never saw them again, but I was terrified that it would happen to me. Then I was introduced to my class and everyone was staring at me and I felt like the whole world was watching me, like they all were expecting me to do something embarrassing and they would laugh at me.

I remember the feeling, I had it the whole year. I had it every time someone tried to talk to me. I still feel it. That panic that something will happen, that I’ll make a fool of myself and that person will laugh at me slash hate me.

The rational part of me tells me that it’s silly of me to feel like that, but try to tell that to the rest of me. To my body and that choking feeling that I’m drowning in front of someone but that person will only let me sink. And these are waters I can’t swim.

And today I remember that day even more clearly and I wish things would be different and I know it’s partly because of Harry, because I can’t dare to speak to him or anyone. I could meet so many artists that I admire, I have the opportunity, yet I’m losing it every time. Because I’m shy.

I spend many hours in my room, with my guitar, composing. Creating a new song that would help me to channel these feelings I keep bottled inside. I work really hard and I actually get a song that I like about not being able to reach out for help. Of drowning and being all alone. But by the time I finish the song, I don’t feel that much better. I still feel somehow… angry. And the worst part is that I don’t have anyone but my dad. All my sisters are gone and I’m the only one left here. My sisters would always make me open up. When I came back from school they would force me to tell them everything. But I don’t have them now and I don’t really feel like telling these things to dad. Even if he’s a really understanding man, I don’t think he could really help me.

In the afternoon I text one of my sisters because all this has made me miss them even more.

Hey Mary, how’s everything going? —Ariel

After a while I receive her answer.

Baby sister! What a lovely surprise u message me 1st. Is everything OK? this is rather unusual of you—Mary

I just miss U a lot. Can’t I text my sister without raising suspicion? —Ariel

Out of all my sisters I was the closest to Mary, maybe because I’m the closest to her in age as well and she was the last one to leave. And it’s funny because out of us seven, she’s the most outgoing person I’ve ever met. Loud and jolly, always laughing and making people laugh. So different from me.

Of course not, Ari! I’m glad you texted. How’s Dad? —Mary

He’s great 2 —Ariel

don’t use that 2. U’r not great —Mary

I sigh because I’ve never known how she does that. Even without talking to her or without her being around, she can know if I’m not doing okay. I don’t know how she does that. Maybe she’s a witch after all.

Ari? —Mary

I sigh at her next text because I haven’t replied to her yet and I don’t even know what to tell her, how to explain that I’m mad at myself, disappointed and lonely.

But I don’t have time to think of a reply because my phone rings and I can see her picture on the screen. So I sigh before I slide my finger to answer her call. “Hey there, Mary,” I greet.

“Ari! My lovely baby sisters. I’ve missed you so much!” She speaks and I smile as I get more comfortable on my bed.

“I’ve missed you, too. How are things going? Sold a new painting?” I ask with my eyes looking for imperfections on the ceiling.

“A few. I’m trying to have an exposition and I’m still trying to leave to Paris, you know,” she explains and I nod, but then I remember she can’t see me. I rely too much on body language.

“That’s great! I’m happy for you, Mary,” I tell her and then there’s silence and I know what will come before she speaks.

“What’s going on, Ari? Are you okay?” my sister asks and I sigh once again.

“It’s just that I… I feel lonely here,” I tell her closing my eyes. “There are many people around now but I feel so lonely.”

“And you’re not speaking to any of those new people around, are you?” my sister asks next and I sigh. Do I have another reaction to her words?

“I’m not,” I confess. There’s no point in lying. “You know I can’t.”

“That’s what you say,” she tells me and I frown, trying to understand what she really means. “You should try to speak to them. At least one person. Make a friend, Ari. What about this boy that helps dad? Jimmy?”

“Timmy,” I correct her. “He doesn’t speak to me either. We have a communication of only smiles,” I tell her and now I hear her sighing.

“Ari, people won’t bite you,” Mary insists and I know that, I’ve heard it many times.

“I know.”

“Then what’s the problem?” is her next question and I groan as I turn on my bed, resting on my belly now.

“I just can’t. You know I feel like running away and bursting out crying every time I try to speak to someone new. But now they are everywhere and I dunno, it’s overwhelming.” I take a deep breath as I try to keep my thoughts organised. “And it’s not like I don’t want to talk to them, get to know them. It’s just that I— I can’t make myself.”

“And you want to,” Mary continues for me and I close my eyes, seeing Harry in my mind and how he was looking for me, just to say thank you.

“Yes,” I accept with a loud sigh and open my eyes. “Do you think I could get over this? That one day I could speak to people like you do?” I ask, not sure if I want to hear her answer.

“I think you can do anything you want, Ari; if you really set your mind on it. Being shy shouldn’t stop you. You know that, I’ve told you before. Maybe you should try harder, practice,” she offers her advice and it’s true, she’s told me that before. “I don’t think it’s impossible.”

“But it seems like it.”

And it really seems impossible, like a mountain so big that I can’t even see the summit of it. A mountain that scares me and I’m so small in comparison to, alone and scared to climb it.

“That doesn’t mean it is, Ari. I know you can do anything you want, just try harder, okay? Remember that nothing stays the same forever, right?”

I don’t answer, I just think of what she’s said, impressed at how true her words are and how I didn’t stop to think of that. I see the changes in the world all the time but I always assumed that I was going to be the same, always the little shy girl who can’t speak to anyone. But maybe I can change. Maybe if I try harder I can overcome this.

“Good luck, baby sister,” Mary speaks again and I bet she’s smiling, knowing she’s set the engines in my mind.

“Thank you, Mary. And good luck to you, too.”

“Tell Dad I love him. I love you, too.”

“I love you, Mary. Goodbye,” I say and after that we both hang up.

I put my phone aside, still thinking of what she told me and the possibilities. I can change, I mean, theoretically I can do it. Should I try? Is it worth it? I guess I should try, at least, before deciding everything. Maybe I should start with Timmy, say hello and ask how he’s doing. That would be a good first step, right?

I have to try.

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Dedication to @gotta_luv_1D because you didn't get it for The Comeback, but now it's your chance.

Bel, xx