Chapter 34 - Grownup

I'm trapped. There's no way I can pay to get out of the contract. I don't have money, even if it's a small contract, but I doubt the deal Mare was offered is something small. We would have to sell the property to Rhonda and I can't ask my dad that. I'll have to comply with my part of the contract even if nothing is the same anymore. Even if my friendship with Mare is broken. I'll have to go with her, work with her, be next to her and hide behind her even if I can't trust her anymore. Even if nothing is the same.

How can I do that? I don't want to do that. But Mare is right... again. I have to act like a grownup and accept the consequences of my acts because there's no way I can hurt Harry to prove her that I didn't do all this because of him. Although... although I think she's right about that, too. It's because Harry went after me to thank me that I wanted so desperately to change, to be able to speak to him. It's because I wanted to be part of his world that I accepted Mare's deal. That I sought for a way to overcome my disorder.

Did I really do all this because of Harry? Because of a boy that went after Mare at the first opportunity he got?

I've seen the rumours and I always thought they were lies. I couldn't believe someone like Harry could be a womaniser. But then this happens. He tells me he doesn't care about Lake Girl anymore, that it's a closed business for him but then goes after her, to thank her. If what Mare told is true. He said he didn't like Mare -even if his reasons were unjustified- and he went after her and took her away from the rest. Why? Because she's prettier? Because she's more confident? Why? I don't get it. He said he was mad at her!

I take a deep breath, still looking at the calm waters of a day in this new summer day. I'm at the dock, trying to figure out what to do, looking at the lake hoping to get some insight from it. But nothing so far. I couldn't sleep last night and I feel like my mind is drowning right now.

I feel betrayed. By Mare and by Harry. Mare shouldn't have gone with Harry knowing I was looking for him and how I feel about him. Harry shouldn't have gone looking for her if what he told me is true. Did both of them lie to me all this time?

And even if Harry lied to me; even if he was just looking for a fling during his break... I can't even fathom the idea of hurting him to prove Mare she's wrong. It's impossible, I don't even know what to do because I have to stop denying it... I did all this because of him. And it hurts so much what he did to me. It hurts so much that he doesn't really like me like I got to hope at some moment. He doesn't return my feelings and that is burning inside of me, leaving a horrible and terrible wound.

I've been wondering how you know if you love someone. Is there a test you can take? Is there an accurate symptom? But now I'm starting to think that the only way to know if you love someone is by how much it hurts when you know you can't have them... when you lose them. When you feel like someone ripped your heart out of your chest and squeezed it in front of you with a grin across their lips. When you feel like that I think you can say you love someone because there is no other way why it would hurt so much if you didn't love that person.

And I think I love Harry Styles.

"Ariel," I hear my name and I shake my head to come back to reality. With my arms wrapped around my own waist I turn around just to feel my shattered heart break again.

Harry is standing right in front of me.

"H-Harry," I stutter and he smiles at me, his hands shoved in his pockets and an awkward smile.

"Hi," he continues and I take a step back, putting distance between us because the pain in my chest is too much to bear. I've never felt like this before, I don't know what to do. Not even when my mum died because when that happened I knew it was coming, she prepared me, she taught me how to face that pain. No one has taught me how to face this one. I'm lost. "I've been looking for you."

My shattered heart races and my limbs tremble, too anxious and too hurt to work on controlling my emotions and reactions.

Why is he here? Why? He should be at the centre, talking with Mare or whomever he really wants. Not here, looking at me like he cares, like he has actually been looking for me. He hasn't! He was looking for Lake Girl because he lied. He wasn't done with her.

I start to get mad at him and this is unusual for me. I don't get mad at people, I avoid confrontations. I don't like fighting but it's all I've done since yesterday.

"Are you okay?" he asks next and takes a step closer but I take one back and he stops moving, a confused expression on his face. "Ariel?"

"Yeah, looking for me," I mutter and look away, taking a glimpse at him just from the corner of my eye and I see his confused expression grow deeper. "You were looking for Lake Girl."

He doesn't say anything but I know he heard me, even if I whispered. I still avoid his eyes, I don't want to meet his green ones. Those eyes that looked at me so happily before, the same eyes that made me feel like there was hope even if that was the most idiotic thing I've ever thought. Of course there was never hope for us. It was never possible.

"About that... I talked to Mare the other night," he says and I hug myself even tighter, holding myself together. "You were there and you didn't tell me you were going at the end. Well, you didn't tell me many things."

I feel the accusatory tone in his voice and I get even madder. How dares he? Yes, I omitted things but I didn't lie. What he did was worse! I was just trying to surprise him.

"Why didn't you tell me it was you? And I don't mean at the beginning. I-" Harry stops, takes a big deep breath and then carries on, "-I get why you ran at the beginning. I've been thinking a lot just to understand. And I get it, but what about after that? You had so many other chances to tell me it had been you. Why didn't you tell me when I told you I thought it was Mare? Why it had to be Mare the one to tell me it had been you? And she didn't even know! She figured it out there with me!" his voice is loud by the end, almost yelling and I take another step farther away from him. "Why did you let me believe it was her? By that time we were friends already."

"You!" I snap and I turn around to see his shocked expression. "You told me you didn't care. You told me you were mad at the person who saved you. You said all that! You said it was closed for you," I exclaim and I feel my eyes welling up. "I didn't want you to get mad at me."

"I wouldn't have got mad at you!" he complains and I roll my eyes.

"Now I know because I saw you all smiley and flirty with Mare, thinking she was the one who saved you. I saw you caring a lot, definitely not done and mad at her," I accuse him and he blinks confused. "I wanted to surprise you because you said you wanted me to go... but when I was there I saw you leaving with another girl. A girl that you said you didn't like. I girl you said was a closed mattered to you."

He doesn't say anything, he just stares at me and I feel so betrayed. I feel like he laughed at me all this time and I feel so stupid. I know I'm naïve, I know I don't know anything about the world... but I actually feel like a royal idiot right now because I actually believed he fancied me back.

What a fool.

"Ariel..." he calls my name but I ignore him and blink away the tears. I won't cry in front of him, I've been a fool for too long. "Ari, look at me, please."

But I keep being an idiot because I look at him and I notice he's approached and he's so close to me. He's smiling at me, sweetly, caringly and it hurts so much. This is the boy for whom I did all this. This is the boy for whom now I'm trapped in a deal I don't want to be in. This is the boy for whom I sold my freedom. Now I'll have to leave this place, my father, Timmy, who's grown to be like my brother to me. Harry is the reason why I put myself through all this and for whom I'll have to leave my life.

He reaches out to touch my face but I'm so angry at him. If he hadn't fallen to the lake I wouldn't have saved him. He would've never come to say thank you. I would've never wanted to overcome my disorder. I would've never made that deal. I wouldn't be in this situation. I did all that for him and what do I get? A broken heart.

I step back and I'm about to fall to the lake, but I don't care. I don't want him to touch me.

I can't believe I did all this because of him. I can't believe I'm trapped because of him. But it's him who could set me free... if I get revenge. If I do something to hurt him, to destroy his image, I'll be free. I won't have to go with Mare, I'll be able to stay here, in my kingdom, where I'm safe. If I hurt him like he hurt me I'll be free.

But he looks at me confused yet still with worry in his eyes, in his beautiful green eyes and I know I can't do it. I can't hurt him in any way because I love him. I could never be happy here if I knew that my happiness came from his suffering. I can't do that on purpose. I rather go with Mare, even if she hates me now, even if we can't trust each other, instead of staying here.

I can't hurt him.

"Leave," I say.

"What?" he asks dumbfounded and cocking his head to one side.

"Leave. Now. I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you. Just leave now!" I end up raising my voice and Harry steps back.

"Ariel... no. I have to tell you-"

"Just leave!" I beg. Whatever he has to say I don't want to hear it. It's been enough. I don't want to hear excuses or his reasons. It hurts too much already and I don't know how to handle this.

"Ari, no. I won't go until you hear me out. At the ball I was just trying to set things straight once and for all," he insists but I shake my head. Of course, that doesn't stop him and he even steps forward again, grabbing my arm and I freeze. "I just wanted to finish it all. To get an explanation, I guess. Then she told me she didn't know what I was talking about. I tried to explain, I told her how her voice was familiar to me. She didn't have to hide it. You know what she said? She said 'it's not even my voice. It's Ariel's. If that voice reminds you of someone who saved your life... then that someone is Ariel. Not me. And she's out there, looking for you. You got the wrong girl,'" he finishes and I take a sharp breath. "And then I went after you... and you weren't there anymore. And then I was just trying to understand. That's why I didn't come before, but Ariel- Ari, please, you need to know that-"

By that moment I'm crying, not knowing how to feel or what to think. And every word he says makes me feel worse. It almost sounds as if he... as if he wants me.

But not. I can't let my hopes grow again just to be crushed. I'll have to leave with Mare. I have to be a grownup and grownups don't build dreams that will never come true. Grownups are realistic, serious and mature. And I have to be that. It's my final homework and if I did all this for him, it's time to finish it and accept the consequences.

"No," I say cutting him off. "No. If you're not leaving, I am."

And with that, I wriggle my way out and run in the opposite direction, back to my home, where I'll be safe. I run as fast as I can, away from Harry and his voice calling my name over and over again. I just run.

-:-:-

c: hehehehehehe

Bel, xx