Chapter 31 - Birthday Presents

Scared, trembling and with a giant lump in my throat I leave the backstage and go willing to join the party. I think I’ll only last three seconds before I die of a panic attack.

No need to remind me you can’t die from a panic attack, but let me tell you, it doesn’t feel like that when you’re having one.

There are so many people around and I can’t breathe. I hug myself and I try to make my way without bumping into anyone. My eyes always looking for Harry, for that person who can make me feel safe in this sea of people. But I don’t see him around and I start thinking that maybe I should go. It’s getting out of hand for me, I honestly think my heart is going to jump out of my chest any minute now.

I decide there are too many people and I won’t find Harry. I should’ve told him to meet me somewhere. I was naïve to think I would just found him among all these people. So I turn around, ready to go back home. I did what I had to do, it worked amazingly, now I’ll go home, lie in bed and just remember what it felt to hear all those people clapping because they liked the song. They liked our work with Mare.

But as I turn on my heels to head back home I actually bump into someone. I react by instinct: I step back, I hug myself, I look down and try to get smaller, I try to disappear.

“Ariel, are you okay?” the person asks and only then I look up, still hugging myself. This person knows me.

My eyes widen when I see Niall with a concerned expression and his hands trying to reach me. I stand straight and blink away the anxiety. I know Niall, I’m okay here.

“H-hi, Niall. I’m… I’m okay,” I reply trying to smile and fighting to make my heart calm down. The anxiety that took over me when I realised I had bumped into someone is hard to push back, so I have to work hard on this.

“I… Harry told me you weren’t coming. Does he know you’re here?” he asks me and I shake my head.

“It… it was gonna be a surprise,” I say and he smiles, his hands falling to his sides and his expression softening.

“I would go after him but he disappeared after the presentation. It was amazing. Did you see it? The song was amazing and that girl, wow, the energy of that girl is so contagious,” he compliments and my smile is so wide. Niall liked the song!

“She’s amazing,” I say, proud of saying she’s my friend. “She’s Mare, my friend.”

“You have a very talented friend, Ariel,” he says smiling and I don’t even mind if he doesn’t know I wrote the song and that it’s our work, not just hers. I’m just so happy that he liked the song.

“I do,” I reply feeling more like myself by now. It’s good that I bumped into Niall, someone I know and I’ve talked to before. It makes things easier.

“Can I make you company until Harry appears? To be honest I don’t want to be here but I’ll gladly stay for you,” he offers and my smile widens even more. “Unless you were leaving,” Niall hurries to add and I shake my head.

“I want to see Harry before leaving,” I reply and he nods.

“Let’s go for something to eat, then. The snacks are amazing, believe me,” he adds laughing so I go with him.

It’s really nice to have Niall with me right now, having someone kind of familiar to face the crowd. I realise that if I focus only on his presence it’s easier to block out the rest and it’s not that overwhelming. It’s actually bearable and I’m glad I actually came. In my mind this party scenario was so much terrible and I have to admit that whilst I was alone I was drowning in my own anxiety, but now I’m handling it.

I like Niall. I mean, he’s a really nice guy, but I wish it were Harry the one next to me. Still, the blond boy is actually a great company. Very laid-back, which is contagious.

But I do notice that from time to time, in the middle of jokes, he loses his smile and his eyes wander around, almost as if he were expecting someone to walk in. And I think I know whom he’s waiting for. But I also know she won’t come back, which breaks my heart for both of them.

“I hope you don’t mind but… but… how are you handling tonight? I mean… how you… how do you feel?” I ask him and I regret immediately because I see the pain in his eyes.

“Today it’s her birthday, did you know that?” he says and I nod because I remember Harry mentioning. “It’s even harder today. I mean, this whole place only reminds me of her but today… today is so hard.”

I step a bit closer, desperate to offer comfort to a friend. A friend who’s in pain. I slowly put my hand on his arm, a gentle squeeze.

“You can tell me,” I say. I might not be good at talking, but I can hear him out.

“I miss Ella,” he confesses and I see the sorrow in his eyes, I feel my own hear aching. “When I met her last year and she told me today was her birthday I immediately thought I would make it special for her. Last year we were together at this ball but I didn’t know it was her birthday. I felt terrible for that.” He laughs humourlessly. “After I left this place, even after she walked out on me for real, I bought her a present, you know? I just… I just saw this necklace, it was of a mask, and I thought it was so fitting. It was a masquerade ball last year. We met and we didn’t know who the other was. She lost her mask back then and I kept her, looking for her,” he tells me and I smile at the story.

“Like in Cinderella,” I comment and he stops for a second, thinking.

“Yes, like Cinderella,” Niall laughs. “So I bought her that necklace even if I didn’t know if I was going to see her again. I guess I still hope I’ll see her and I’ll give her that present… and this year’s present. You know she really loves horses so one day I saw this jumper with horses. So comfy and just nice and I imagined her in that, smiling at me. I had to buy it for her, even if I knew I wasn’t going to see her today. I couldn't help it. I can’t kill the hope in the pit of guts that I’ll see her again.”

I honestly have to fight the tears. The way he talks about her, the way he looks when he’s talking about her makes my heart ache and even jealousy to kick in. He loves her so much and he doesn’t have her. He loves her like boys in all those stories love, unconditionally. He loves Ella like I want to be loved one day. Like my dad loved my mum. Like real love should be.

I step in closer and offer him a hug that he accepts. I don’t really know what else to say.

“I miss her so much. Today more than any other day,” he confesses hugging me tightly and I do the same. “I know she’s okay and I accepted her decision. At the beginning it was hard, you know? I thought ‘why can’t we be together if we love each other?’ but then I understood, I understood that she needed her space.” I hear him chuckle as we still embrace each other. “She wouldn’t be my Ella if she had come back to me immediately. She wouldn’t be the girl I fell in love with, the girl who values freedom the most. That’s all what she wanted and she got it and she had to enjoy it, on her own. Now I know that, a year later, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss her.”

“You… you still love her,” I say. It’s not a question.

“I do… I think a part of my will always love her, you know?” Niall pulls back but his hands are on my shoulders. “Am I crazy for that? I mean, I won’t see her again.”

“You will,” I promise him, sure of that. “When it’s meant to be, you always find your way to that other person. You’ll find your way to each other when it’s the time, Niall.”

He slowly starts to smile again and I see hope in his blue eyes, hope that I hadn’t seen before.

“You really think that?” he asks me and I nod.

“With all my heart. You love her and I’m sure she loves you, too. It’s just not the right time. And I’m sure that when that time comes, all the wait will be worth it,” I assure him.

I honestly don’t know why I believe this, but it’s like my own heart is telling me what to say because it’s the true. I believe with every part of my body.

“Thank you, Ariel,” he says with a big smile and I do the same.

“My pleasure. Ella’s really a lucky girl, to have someone loving her so much,” I tell him and his smile is a bit sad again. “I wish someday someone will love me like that. It sounds magical.”

He chuckles, a bit embarrassed this time. “Ariel, you’re wonderful. I’m sure the right boy will come,” he says and now I blush.

To my mind comes only one boy, the boy I want to love me like Niall loves Ella. And that boy is Harry. But I don’t even know if he likes me. Could he really get to love me? Is that even possible or I’m just daydreaming again?

I notice Niall looking around, looking for someone. I don’t think it’s Ella because when he looks for her it’s different. This time he’s sure the person he’s looking for is around, he’s just trying to find that person.

“What are you doing?” I ask and his eyes come back to me.

“Looking for the right guy,” he replies and I freeze.

What is he implying? Could he be looking for Harry? Does he think Harry is the one who could love me?

Oh hush, Ariel. Don’t get too excited.

But Niall gives up, I see that in the way his shoulders plum down a bit and I also feel my heart sinking. The hope that he was looking for Harry dying inside of me.

Hope is a dangerous thing because it makes you feel powerful a second, and then completely defeated the next. It kills you faster than a bullet through your heart.

“Anyway, wanna dance? I’m sure Harry will come looking for me in five minutes,” he laughs and I smile. “I know he’s concerned but he really doesn’t know how to handle all this. Thank you for listening, Ariel. I think I had it bottled up inside for too long.”

“You can talk about Ella to me all you want. It’s a lovely story,” I tell him and he smiles as he leads me to the dance floor.

We dance to a pop song, having fun. He’s really a nice lad but my mind is still thinking, looking for Harry and I can’t help taking a look around from time to time. At one moment I think I see him and I stop, just to make sure.

Yes, it’s Harry. And he’s not alone. He’s smiling charmingly at a girl. A girl I know. A girl who’s also smiling adorably.

I feel the first jab in my chest, a painful feeling choking me. And it intensifies when I see her taking the hand he’s offering and then walking away together, away from the ballroom.

Why is Harry taking Mare away from this place?

-:-:-

Before you go saying "I knew it" think: "Isn't that too obvious? Why is Bel writing something so obvious? oh... there must be something else!" And try to think the real reason why I'm writing this *evil grin* Also, remember all the things I've said before.

Dedication to @xxNightStarsxx

Bel, xx

NU: Tuesday