Chapter 2 - Shortcomings

Out of all the things that could’ve happened this summer, saving Harry Styles, mega star and celebrity crush of mine, is the only thing that I could’ve never imagined. I mean, saving someone else, maybe, but Harry? Never in a million years. I mean, what are the odds? Even if I already knew this was a retreat for celebrities and now they come to the lake, I never imagined I would meet him like this. I never imagined I would meet him at all, period.

Isn’t life crazy? Throwing twists and turns at you that you never saw coming. But at the same time, that’s what makes it exciting.

I know my life is pretty boring and lonely, not by choice though. But still, there’s wonder in every direction you turn to. From the moment you wake up until you go to bed. Don’t you get overwhelmed at the thought that you are actually living and breathing and opening your eyes every morning? Do you ever think of how complex your whole body is yet everything is working to make you go through another day, even if it’s the dullest day ever? You are still a miracle in some way.

I don’t have much in my life. I don’t have friends. All my sisters are gone and I only have my father, and we struggle to make ends meet but I still think life is a gift, the most precious gift. Everything is wonderful and sometimes —okay, all the time— I wish I could be strong and independent as to go and see the world outside. To see what my sisters call their world. To experience a different kind of life.

Sometimes I still have dreams in which I’m not this painfully shy, in which I stand on a stage, in front of a massive crowd and sing for them. I see some faces crying, touched with my music. I see people clapping, proud of me. I see my father and even my mother, with the biggest smiles playing on their lips.

But those are dreams, dreams I can’t afford.

Life is wonderful, but we all have limitations. You can’t say you’re perfect or anything. We are all miracles in a way, but even miracles are imperfect and have shortcomings. Some will keep us in one place, some can be overcome; either way there’s always something. My shortcoming is my shyness and it’s keeping me from living more wonders of this life, but I have others wonders to live. I have to focus on those, right?

I may not become a successful singer, but I have the lake, I have my father and I have my life. I can be happy with these. And just look at me, I just saved a superstar from drowning. If the world knew, they would be thanking me.

Although the lake now is, sort of, part of Drennan’s Retreat Centre, our house and big part of the land here is still private property. With Dad we had to build up a fence —white and short, very cute— to show the limits of the property. Basically, guests can only access the lake, dock and the little cottage that has some blankets, a boat and other supplies. Necessary stuff when you have a lake nearby.

I cross the fence and still wrapped in a big towel, I walk inside the house. There are still lights on even when it’s past midnight. I’m getting used to get home around this time and I don't like that Dad tries to wait for me because he wakes up so early every morning whilst he still allows me to sleep a few more hours. He needs to get proper rest.

When I close the door and walk towards the living room, where I know he’s waiting, I find him sleeping on the sofa. He clearly was waiting for me but fell asleep before I made it back home. I sigh and shake my head, setting a mental note to scold him tomorrow —again— for not going to bed earlier.

I grab a blanket we keep around and cover him so he won’t get cold. I won’t wake him up and try to carry him to his room. He’s already sleeping here. I, however, go to my room as quietly as I can, getting ready to go to bed.

My room is very simple, but it has a bit more of me. I used to share it with Mary but since she also left, I have this room all for myself. I have put up some posters of artists I really love, like Imagine Dragons, Coldplay, Snow Patrol and even Passenger. I have my desk with what once was Clara’s laptop. Many books I bought in second-hand bookshops, my guitar that’s really, really old and other normal things for a room, like my bed and wardrobe. It’s not the most beautiful place, but it’s mine and I’m comfortable here.

Once I’m in my room and get in bed I wonder if Harry and Niall made it back to the centre. I hope they are okay, especially Harry. It would be terrible if he catches a cold when he’s here to clearly get some rest.

Even if we’re really far away from the city, we still have Internet —it really sucks but it still works— so according to twitter —yes, I do have twitter— they were on tour. I don’t really follow them step by step, I’m more concerned about their music, but I read some things. So if they are here it must be because they are on a break or something, so they won’t stay for too long and if Harry catches a cold, it won’t be good for the tour.

I wish I could’ve stayed there to make sure he was okay, even grab Dad’s old truck to drive them to the centre and arrive there even faster, but I’m not an idiot. If I had stayed I would’ve stuttered and made a fool of myself. I would’ve started shaking and sweating and panicking. I’m shy by nature and I really can’t interact with people, now add to that trying to talk to two artists I really admire.

No, that would’ve been disastrous.

As I said, we all have shortcomings and this is mine. I just hope he is okay and that nothing bad happens to him. I don’t even know how hard he hit his head but I just hope it’s not that terrible. Maybe tomorrow when I go to the centre I can try to see if he’s around and looks okay and not like someone having a concussion. Although I don’t even know how someone with a concussion acts like, biology was never my thing.

I normally avoid all people but I can make an exception tomorrow.

+ + + + +

I don’t have sweet dreams that night. I fell asleep thinking of Harry and I dreamt of the things that could’ve happened if I hadn’t been there. It was really something I never imagined, me being at the right place and right time to save Harry Styles, but still, it was so good that I was there. He could’ve actually died there if I hadn’t been swimming and paying attention to my surroundings. I imagine that would’ve been disastrous for everyone. All his fans, his family, his record label, Mrs Drennan —no one wants to have a guest dying on their property— and even my Dad, after all it’s still his lake.

You don’t realise how connected things are and the domino effect they can have on everyone.

Sometimes I think I think too much. I’m not the kind who speaks much, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have things to say. I always have something to say, I’m always thinking of something; I just can’t articulate my thoughts.

When I get up and get ready to start a new day, I know Dad is not around. He’s at the crops, picking all the vegetables and fruits I’m taking to the centre today. So after having breakfast I go to where the truck is parked and smile at Timmy, one of the men Rhonda hired to help Dad to extend the crops. I’ve never talked to Timmy, it’s only nods and smiles. I don’t know if he’s also shy, but he’s never tried to talk to me. He’s nice, I like Timmy. In a friendly way, of course, even if he is a few years older than me —I think— I’m not interested in him. I don’t even want to be interested in someone when I can’t even make myself talk to a stranger. What would be the point?

A bit farther away I see Father and my smile widens as I go to greet him.

“Morning, Dad!” I say joyfully. “Last night you tried to wait for me again. I told you not to do it. I’m fine.”

“Morning, princess. And I know, but I still worry,” he replies giving me a kiss on my forehead. “Why can’t you come home earlier?”

“Because I can’t go to the centre to maintain the instruments until it’s late and I’m sure no other guest is going to use them. And you know I stop by the lake later.” Dad sighs and nods. “You need to sleep so don’t do it again, okay?” I ask and he nods with a sad smile. “Is the truck ready?”

“Yes, Timmy just finished loading the truck so you can go to the centre.”

“Great. I see you at lunch!” I say giving him one last kiss on his check and going back to where the truck is waiting.

I love my father, I really do. I wish I could do more for him. He’s already fifty-seven and I know things are not easy for him anymore. For that I’m glad he got to an agreement with Mrs Drennan, he needs the help.

I drive to the centre. It only takes ten minutes in the truck as these are large pieces of land. I could totally go walking, however, I can’t take everything with me, so I have to drive. On my way I listen to music, of course, and sing along as loud as I can. No one will hear me, anyways. Only the birds.

I park at the back entrance of the kitchen and ring the bell there to let them know I’m here with their order of the day. Carl, the head cook comes to check that everything is perfect and we don’t speak to each other. He once tried and it didn’t work, I just made a weird noise and he understood I’m too shy to have a normal conversation.

After he approves of the order, I help him to carry the vegetables inside without uttering a word and making eye contact with the other employees.

I know I wanted to see if Harry was around and still alive, but I can’t make myself ask Carl if I can go further in the centre. I’ve been there, but not during the morning when all the guests are walking by, busy with their activities so I just give up on the idea of making sure Harry is all right.

Maybe I can arrive earlier tonight and try to go unnoticed whilst still paying attention in case I see him or any of his band mates. I assume they are also here.

So once I finish delivering the order I go back to the lake, a bit disappointed that I couldn’t even try to make sure if Harry was okay, even when I’ve been so worried. Most of the time I just accept I’m too shy and socially awkward, but other times I just wish I could change that. I wish I could be like my sisters.

On my daily routine after I deliver the vegetables I go to the lake to make sure the boats are all right and then prepare lunch, but today when I go to the lake to prepare the boats by the dock, I realise there’s someone else there. Someone who wouldn’t be there. Not at this time of the day, not here. He shouldn’t be here.

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Dedication to @OeAyde for the quote by Neil Gaiman! I love him. "Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."

Bel, xx