Chapter 19 - Older Brother

At night when I go to the retreat centre I still have the silly grin on my face. I just can’t rid of it. It’s just that finally doing something about my SAD[1], finally making contact with someone else makes me so happy. The possibility of actually making friends, for the first time in my life, is probably one of the greatest things that has happened to me. I know I’ll never be the confident and outgoing girl my mum though I would be when she chose my name, but at least I won’t be always alone now. I have a chance of actually making friends. I mean, there’s Harry now who for some crazy reason wants to be my friend. There’s Mare, who’s helping me and I’m helping her. And also Timmy… I never imagined how friendly and happy-go-lucky he could be. Now I get why my dad likes him so much, he surely makes my father company. I’m glad Timmy is with us.

I’m really making friends.

When I arrive to the music room there’s no one there, as usual, so I just do my job. Tuning the instruments, cleaning, tidying up. It seems like someone actually made use of this room today. It’s weird, I’m happy someone else is enjoying this place but at the same time I feel a bit upset. I guess it’s a bit of jealousy because these are not really my instruments, this place doesn’t belong to me. And it’s sad because I would like a place like this one.

Later, once I’m finished and when I decide to practice a bit of violin this night, the door opens. I am startled, but I don’t end up on my bum this time, which is a great improvement. I relax immediately when I see it’s only Mare walking in and not someone else. I know I’m making progress but let’s not push too far, I don’t know if I would be able to just talk to someone I’ve never seen before. All the people I’ve talked to so far are people I had seen before, people I had faced somehow. People I knew of.

“Hey there, Ari,” Mare greets. “Violin today? Is there any instrument you don’t know how to play?” she jokes easily approaching me.

“The bagpipe,” I reply and she laughs, she actually laughs although I’m serious. I really don’t know how to play that one. I haven’t even seen one in person.

“I bet you’d learn to play that in a day,” Mare affirms and I can’t help smile at how sure she sounds, how certain that I can actually learn to play the bagpipe in such a short spam of time. It’s so… rewarding to feel like someone believes in you so blindly, someone who’s not a relative and is bound to support you, like my father. “There’s something different in the way you look tonight, Ari. Something different in your eyes. They… they kinda sparkle.” Mare stares at me carefully, examining me from head to toe and a grin creeps to her lips slowly. “What happened to you today?”

I can’t help the big smile when I remember what happened this morning. “I talked to Carl,” I begin, “following my homework instructions. It was nice.”

“And what else?” Mare pushes me to keep talking, bumping hips with me and taking the violin away from me.

I feel heat coming to my cheeks and I turn away, hoping Mare won’t notice. “I-I met… I met this boy I told you about,” I confess in a whisper.

“Aw, you look so adorable when you blush, Ari! So you must really fancy this boy, uh?”

I freeze when I hear her. Fancy? Me? Harry? That possibility never crossed my mind before. I mean, I like Harry, he seems a really nice boy but fancying him sounds so… I don’t know how to explain it. Out of character, I guess. I’ve never liked someone before in that way. I’ve never felt attracted to someone, I don’t even think I would know if I fancy someone. All I did until now was hiding from people. Having a celebrity crush is not the same as fancying someone. To really like someone you have to get to know them, a celebrity crush is just a fantasy; it’s completely different.

I don’t know if I fancy Harry. He is nice and really handsome, but is that enough? I know I constantly think about him and he’s big part of why I’m trying so hard to overcome my shyness, but does that mean that I fancy him? How can I be sure? Is there like a test I can take?

“I… I dunno. He’s nice,” I reply still avoiding Mare’s stare and walking away.

“And he makes you smile so brightly every time you mention him! What’s his name? C’mon! Tell me more about him!” she urges me, following me behind. “Please! Help me feel like a teenager all over again!” she begs and I laugh, stopping to look at her.

“I really don’t know if I… uh… fancy him. We’ve talked twice and I haven’t been the most… eloquent person. I’m sure he doesn’t have a good impression,” I ramble and Mare rolls her eyes.

“It’s the beginning, Ari. I’m not saying you’re in love, just a little crush, you know? C’mon, name,” she insists and I sigh. I don’t think she’ll late it pass.

“Harry,” I reply and I feel my cheeks burning. I can’t control it and I know it only makes this all look worse than that it really is.

“Aw, aren’t you adorable? Okay, then we’re gonna keep working so you can give a um… better impression next time,” she winks at me and I giggle. “I’ve made loads of research, you know? I think I might even go for a psychology degree if we don’t get a deal. I always liked psychology during college,” she rambles, making me giggle again.

So we start working. She explains things to me so I understand better what my condition is all about. She makes me tell her more about my life, hoping we can figure out if there’s a reason that pushed me to this situation. Of course, my mum’s death is the first option but it’s not that. My mother’s health was slowly deteriorating and I guess she knew what was coming, so she always prepared us, to have the most positive attitude towards death.

I haven’t really had a traumatic experience that could’ve triggered this disorder so it’s hard to find that exact moment we need to work on. So we realise that looking back in my past won’t take us really far, so instead we decide to focus only on the present.

We stay until very late talking and we practice a bit more. The song is coming out great and Mare has the idea for the video already. She’s so creative and full of energy.

“You know what I’ve been thinking,” she says after we realise it’s so late and I should be going. “That if all this works and we make it, we get the deal, and that if you start getting more comfortable with people, you could totally get the credit for the songs. I mean, like a songwriter, you know? Would you like that? I was thinking it would be perfect for you. And then you could also write for other artists.”

I blink in surprise, impressed that she’s thought so much about this deal. What if it works, what if it doesn’t. And she’s done it for both of us, not just her, whereas I only focus on my little progress.

A songwriter… that actually sounds really cool. If Mare… no, if we make it and get a deal I could get recognition as her songwriter. We would really be a team and I wouldn’t have to face the crowd but I would really, really live out of my music, and not fully behind Mare’s shadow.

“Sounds really cool,” I reply with a tiny smile.

“Great! We need to work really hard, then. We’re gonna make it, if not, I’ll be a psychologist and I won’t charge you for the sessions,” she winks at me and I laugh.

“Deal!” I agree still laughing.

After that we say goodbye and she leaves to the employees wing and I leave to my home. It’s really late so I don’t stop by the lake, but I’m really happy. Mare is a girl full of life and positive and she gives a bit of that away. I’ve always been a positive person, Mum always told me that people are good until they prove it otherwise. Everyone deserves the benefit of doubt. Mare is not the same kind of positive, it’s just like she’s full of positive energy.

And besides that… besides the fact that it gets easier and easier to talk to her, even joke around, I’m happy because no matter where this deal takes us, whether we make it or not, we still will go somewhere. I think Mare would be a great psychologist. I mean, she made me speak and talk about my life. My other therapist couldn’t make me utter a single word. If that’s not amazing, I don’t know what it is.

So I go to bed with a smile on my face, realising I’ve been so happy lately. Not like I wasn’t happy before but I don’t know, it’s different now, it’s like I’m oozing happiness. And you know what? It’s great to feel like this.

And I wake up equally happy and excited the next day. I greet Timmy with a big smile.

“Woah, aren’t you happy?” Timmy says and I nod enthusiastically. “It’s really great seeing you smiling like this. Is there something that makes you this excited today?” he asks next and I feel a bit embarrassed because I think of Harry, of maybe seeing him today. Would he talk to me? Would I talk to him? “Or should I say someone? Ariel?”

Now I know for sure I’m blushing, Timmy even laughs.

“It’s not what you think, though,” I say and he still laughs.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell your dad you got a boyfriend. I bet he’d be very overprotective.”

“I haven’t got a boyfriend,” I say but I know I’m blushing furiously, which only seems to amuse Timmy.

“Just be careful, okay, Ariel? You’re a really sweet girl but you also… well… you don’t have much experience and not everyone is good. Be careful, okay?”

I relax a bit and stare at Timmy, feeling warm because of the way he takes care of me. It’s almost like the way Suzanne talks to me, the same tone of a big brother.

“I will,” I say. I honestly don’t think Harry could hurt me in any way.

Oh… that almost sounds as if I have some sort of hope that he could be my… my boyfriend. Come on, that would never happen. I am a dreamer but even I know that it’s pretty impossible. He’s a superstar who’s only having a break here. I’m the shy girl who can barely speak and who’ll never leave this place. I have nothing to offer and I’m not even sure if I like Harry that way. Those kinds of feelings are too foreign for me.

I just want to be Harry’s friend. I want to make friends. Romance and those things can come later in my life. First things first.

“Good,” Timmy goes on. “Anyway, if someone does something to you, you just let me know, Ariel. I’ll beat them for you. Consider me your older brother now that all your sisters are away.”

I chuckle and I can’t help the smile. I always wanted to have a brother, to know what it would be like. I guess I have one now, kind of, and it’s really nice.

“Thanks, Timmy,” and I really mean it, even if I’ll never need him to beat someone for me, but still, it’s nice to know someone is taking care of me in that sense.

[1] Social Anxiety Disorder

-:-:-

For the ones who got the hint for Brave Bold Belle in the previous chapter: well done! For the ones who didn't, it's going to have Liam as the love interest.

Dedication to @Its-Anu I'm glad oyu can relate to Mare and I hope you'll overcome everything like she does.

Bel, xx

NU: Tuesday