Chapter 13 - Homework

I’ve made my choice and surprisingly, I’m okay when I wake up. I’m sure this is what I want and it’s okay. You can’t have everything in life and it’s true that when one door closes, another opens. Dreams change all the time, dreams evolve. I had given up on the dream to become a singer already, I just still had a tiny bit of hope, I guess, and now I let that go as well. It’s okay. I’m okay. I have more dreams and one of those dreams is to be able to make friends, to talk to strangers and at least being able to be polite. It’s a recent dream that’s grown stronger since I saved Harry, that’s for sure, but a dream nonetheless.

So I walk with my head held high to greet my father, knowing exactly what I’m going to say to Mare and excited to start working on this once and for all. It’s good to know I’ll have some guidance on what’s coming for me. It’s good to have someone who can tell you what to do next when it looks so big and impossible to overcome. Someone I can turn to when I don’t know what to do next, when it doesn’t work.

I can’t do this alone, I need help if I want to overcome my social anxiety, even a little bit.

When I approach the crops I find Timmy next to the truck, packing up as usual so I stop by.

“Hey, Ariel,” he greets and it’s nice to have him starting a conversation, with the polite smile of always.

“Hey, Timmy,” I say, easier than any other time and I smile even wider.

“How are you today?” he asks and I know he doesn’t expect a detailed answer, maybe just a 'good' like before, but I look at the sky, at the clean blue sky, so open and majestic and I think of possibilities. Of all those possibilities out there.

“I’m quite good, and you?” I look at him this time and his smile is even wider, happy.

“I’m great,” is his answer and that’s where our conversation ends, both of us smiling before I go to greet my father.

It started with a stuttered hello but now we can exchange some sentences. Maybe, with time, we’ll be able to talk easily, like I do with my sisters or my father. Sure, it took months to gather the courage to talk to Timmy and saving someone to actually take the first step, but at least I did it. Maybe in a not so far future I won’t have to wait months to talk to someone, but just a few minutes. Or days, I can’t be that ambitious, right?

“How’s my beautiful princess today?” my father asks after I hug him.

“I’m quite good, Dad. Ready to start the day. I even have plans for today!” I tell him excitedly and he looks at me with curiosity. “I met someone at the retreat centre. She’s really nice and she’ll help me with my problem,” I tell him and he looks so surprised.

“Really? Well that’s… that’s wonderful, Ariel. I’m happy you made a new friend!” Father looks genuinely happy for me and I know he is, but he’s also so surprised that I actually managed to talk to someone, so I chuckle.

“I know what you’re thinking. It’s her, to be honest, she manages to make me talk. I don’t know how, but she’s really great at that.”

“I’m just happy for you. So go ahead and do your best, princess.” Dad kisses my forehead and I close my eyes for a few seconds.

I will do my best to start working, little by little, until I can speak to strangers. Until I can speak to Harry, clear up this misunderstanding and have a conversation.

I know I’ve said it’s not all for Harry yet he’s always in my mind so when I went to bed last night I realised it’s in big part because of him that I’m actually trying this time. Because there’s someone I want to talk to. And if I manage to talk to him, then I’ll be able to do that with others, right?

I know, as well, that I’ve said I want to be part of his world, but I think that’s only my love for the fairy tale putting thoughts in my mind. How can I be part of Harry Styles’ word? Millions of other fans like me want that, nothing makes me special. So no, not being ‘part of his word’ but having just one conversation. At least that. Being able to tell him ‘hey, I’m not mute, I’m Ariel. Can you give me your autograph?’ —yeah, why not that as well?— and then just carry on.

It’s something I really want to do, something I want to achieve and it’s said that setting up goals helps us to achieve what we want. Visualising our goals makes the journey clearer and that’s what I’m trying to do. Setting up goals. One of those happens to be talking to Harry Styles.

So I get in the truck and drive to the retreat centre and I start to sweat on my way there because, how am I supposed to find Mare? I can’t just go asking everyone if they have seen her, can I? I don’t think I can speak to Carl yet! What do I do if she’s not there? I’ll have to wait for her at night in the music room, but if she doesn’t show up? She can be busy, right? I don’t know her life!

But my worries vanish when I see her next to Carl, waiting for me… I guess. Or maybe they were flirting again. Anything is possible.

I park and get off the truck and walk up to them. Carl smiles at me politely and we do the usual procedure with Mare watching us. She hasn’t said a word but stays outside once Carl and I finish our business with the daily order. Only then she smiles at me, a smirk that says she knows more.

“Hello, Ariel,” she greets and I only nod as a response. “You really don’t talk to others, do you? Not even a hello to Carl! And he says you have never said a word to him. Are you sure you’re not mute?”

“I-I’m not,” I whisper looking down and Mare chuckles.

“I know you’re not, I was just teasing you, little shy Ariel,” she says walking towards me and passing her arm around my shoulders. “So tell me, did you make a choice? Do you want your life to be like this forever?” she asks next and the way she utters that makes it sound terrible. And it is terrible, it’s lonely, it’s sad.

“No,” I say. “I don’t want it.” I stop and turn to look at her, my blue eyes locking with her green ones. “I accept the deal. Y-you help me… I help you.”

She seems surprised for a few seconds before a new and wider smile breaks out and her embrace gets tighter. “You are a clever one. You don’t talk much, but you certainly think.”

“Sometimes too much,” I mumble to myself, looking at my feet once again.

“This is great. We’ll start working immediately and later today I’ll come with all the details for the other part, but we’ll start working on your problem right now. I made some research last night on Social Anxiety Disorder and I spent a while thinking, as well. Using my empathy, you know?” I nod in response. “No, you talk to me, Ariel. Nodding and shaking your head is a no from now on,” she instructs and I blink. I guess she’s really serious when she says we’re starting right now. “Now, what do you have to say?”

“I get it,” I say and she smiles widely.

“Much better. Anyways, as I was saying, I did my homework already and I have homework for you and for now I care that you do it, not the quality. I’ll give you certain tasks that you have to perform, just to get used to it. It won’t be easy, it’s absurd to think it will be easy, but you can do it.” Mare stops and pulls away but doesn’t break the contact, in fact she grabs my shoulders and makes me face her and when she looks me in the eyes she is serious, completely serious. “I know you can do it because I believe in you, Ariel. You have the confidence inside, you’re clever, you know no one will laugh at you, no one will hurt you. It’s just talking. So reach that confidence and make it part of you. You can do it.”

I take a deep breath and I don’t know what’s special about Mare. I don’t know if it’s the words she says, how she says it or that she is the one saying it… but I kind of believe her. I know I won’t be easy but I know, I know no one will hurt me and they won’t laugh at me and maybe I can convince my body that I’ll be fine. Maybe I can convince the rest of myself, that part that doesn’t understand, that part that is so scared that it’s going to be fine.

Maybe I can learn to control that part.

“Wha-what’s my task?” I ask this time and I’ll do it. I’m going to do my homework and whatever Mare says I have to do because I want to do this. I want to have enough confidence to talk to Harry.

Goals. Tasks. Perspective changes everything and it’s not about the journey or about the impossible mountain, but about how you climb it and when you start doing it. Staying down, just looking up at the top fearing the mountain won’t take me anywhere, but starting to climb it will lead me somewhere. Even if I don’t reach the summit, at least I started the journey.

“You’ll walk around the centre today and when you run into someone, you’ll say hello. I’m just asking you to greet a stranger.” I freeze when I hear her words.

Maybe this is too big of a task to begin with, I’m not sure I can do it. I think I want to throw up already.

“No, no, no. Don’t look at me with that face. You can do it and you’ll have many shots. I’m sure you’ll run into many people so try, okay? Just a smile and a hello. That’s all. After the hello you can run or hide underground, I don’t care for now. Just say hello to a stranger. One word, five letters. That’s all. Even a hi is enough! Just… greet a stranger. Anyone.”

I take a deep breath and try not to start shaking like a Chihuahua again. I’m terrified already. What if I meet someone who doesn’t like me and is going to be mean to me? What if the person thinks I’m a creep and attacks me, thinking I can hurt them instead? What if the person ignores me? What if the person knows I’m a no one and laughs at me? What if the person bullies me?

I start hyperventilating but Mare pulls me towards her and hugs me tightly, not giving me space to do anything but stay there.

“Breathe,” she whispers in my ear and I close my eyes, focusing on my breathing. “You can do it.”

“Can I?” I whisper back and she giggles.

“Of course you can,” is her answer and I wish I would believe in myself the way she does.

I want to do this, I want to reach out to that confidence that Mare says I have inside. That hidden, oh so hidden confidence in the darkest pit of my being. And I have to do this. It’s just a greeting, no one can hurt me for saying hello, right? I’m just being polite. One word, that’s all. I can do it. I will do it.

“O-o-okay,” I say but I don’t sound convinced.

“You have until tonight, okay? I’ll meet you in the music room and remember: you can do this, Ariel,” Mare says stepping back and giving one last encouraging smile. I hope she’s right and I can do this.

So… let’s get down to business.

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Dedication to @MalenaInesOlguin for having faith in me regarding Ursula and for not judging her when she's done nothing wrong. You are a clever one!

Bel, xx