Chapter 12 - Decision

I stare blankly at Mare, still confused and really taken aback with her proposition. It’s still not clear for me all the implications of her idea. Does she expect that just with my voice she’ll get famous? What does she exactly have in mind? I do want her help, though, and living from my music would be amazing without having to face or deal with people. It would be easy, not perfect, and I could do it… but I’m still confused.

“Wh-what do you exactly… mean?” I ask blinking quickly, looking at her for a brief seconds before I focus on the piano keys again.

Mare stands up, excitement filling her body, I presume. She sounds full or energy when she speaks. “Yes, it’s perfect, don’t you see? I help you with your confidence. I don’t know if we can cure you, but I’ll do something.”

I can’t help it, I cringe at the word ‘cure’. I know I have a clinical problem, but saying ‘cure’ makes it sound so bad, like an illness that is killing me when it’s only a condition and I can perfectly live with it. I’ve done it all my life.

“In exchange, you help me. We’re in a retreat centre for celebrities! We might as well use it in our advantage!” Mare continues, unaware of how her word selection makes me feel. “You can sing when no one is looking at you, now imagine you can do that but I’m the one in front of everyone. It’s your talent, your music, but I deal with the part you don’t want but I do. Don’t you see? It’s perfect! The perfect solution for both of us.”

“You-you want me to sing and you lip-sync?” I ask, still confused. “You wanna be famous but not with your voice?”

“Oh, Ariel,” Mare says sitting again, next to me and placing her hand above mine. “I can’t sing as well as you and let’s be honest, how many artist can really sing out there? There are many that only use auto-tune and they are mega famous and people actually think they are talented.”

I blink and try to ignore her words, but I know it’s true. There are artists that can’t really sing, their voices are completely manipulated, yet they still have records and concerts all around the world, which is so unfair for those who can really sing.

“I wouldn’t be the first to do this and everyone knows it.”

I look at the other side, away from her, knowing she’s right. It wouldn’t be the first time someone tries to fool the whole world. It’s just that… I never thought I could be involved with that.

“Don’t you want the world to hear you?” Mare asks squeezing my hand before I pull back.

Of course I want people to hear me, but me, not my voice and think it’s someone else’s. But can I do that? Even with Mar’s help, even with maybe another and better therapist… but facing a whole crowd? Can I actually do that? I want to share my music, it’s all I’ve ever wanted; but Mare is right, I can’t do that on my own.

Mare is actually offering me a solution, a way to show the world what I can do without having to face my biggest fear, without having to step out of my comfort zone. If this work, I wouldn’t have to meet fans, because let’s be honest, we all know that would be disastrous. I wouldn’t have to deal with interviews. I wouldn’t even have to deal with media at all. I would just be the voice, I would live out of what I can do and I would leave all the public part to Mare, someone who wants that.

It sounds like a perfect solution to help us both, but it doesn’t make me excited and happy because this is not what I dreamt all my life, this is not how I envisioned my future, hiding while other told the people it was her voice.

“Look, we can try. I’m not telling you that this is going to work and we’ll be successful, but we have to try. Pick one song, let’s rehearse it and then we can post a video with your song and me ‘singing’ it. We see how that works and we decide if it’s worth keep trying. What do you think?” Mare tries and this time I turn to look at her.

I see the plea in her eyes, how much she wants this. I guess that being famous is actually her dream, it’s what she’s wanted to do since she was a little girl and this is the opportunity she was looking for. This is also the closest I’ll ever be to fulfil my dream, if I think about it. Without Mare there’s no way I could try to do it. I would always stay here, singing to myself, hiding from everyone else. This is my chance to share my music without getting an ulcer due to my anxiety.

“I-I’m not sure,” I say because there’s still that little me in my head telling me that this is not how I wanted it then I shouldn’t accept this.

“Don’t you want to share your talent?” she asks, knowing that it’s exactly what I want to do, I’ve told her that, but not like this. “Don’t you want to be more confident? I can help you, Ariel. I’m just asking you to do something for me, too. To help me. You only win with this deal.”

I know it seems like the perfect deal for someone like me. I get to work on my confidence and I get to live from my music, what I always wanted, not just exactly how I pictured it. But still, I’m not completely at ease with the idea.

“Look, you don’t have to give me an answer now. I get it’s an important decision,” she adds and I sigh, a lot more relieved even when I didn’t notice I was so tense until then. “Go home now and think about it. You can give me an answer tomorrow.”

“To-tomorrow?” I ask, stuttering again.

“Yes, you can think about it tonight and if you agree, we start working tomorrow! Working on your confidence takes time, we don’t have a second to waste.”

I take a shaky breath and swallow the lump in my throat. Having a limit to think about it makes me so nervous, but I get it. Mare is right, if I really want to improve and stop being so painfully shy, then I have to start working now. And working on my confidence has a price. I have to decide whether that price is worth it.

Should I give Mare my singing voice so I can actually speak to others? To have a social voice?

“O-okay, I’ll answer you tomorrow,” I say, shaking due to the pressure of this decision, but I know that I got myself into this and now I have to face this situation.

“Excellent! I’ll be around when you come to deliver the order,” she says winking at me, which makes me think that she did notice me this morning when I arrived in the truck.

Mare stands up and takes a few steps back, giving me space to breathe.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Ariel. Think wisely, this is a important decision.”

And with that she turns around and leaves whilst I stay there, in front of the piano still looking at the doors, still thinking, still with my heart hammering in my ribcage.

I can’t think here, I feel like I’m drowning so I close the piano and make sure everything is all right and then run from the music room, run from the complex and head right to the lake, still running, not giving my head time to think about it. I’m still running when I see the lake and when I start to take off my clothes, very much like Clark Kent. I kick off my last trainer when I’m at the edge of the dock and then dive in, closing my eyes so tightly it hurts and tensing all my muscles when I feel the cold water embracing me, welcoming.

I swim, I swim underwater until my lungs burn and then I keep pushing a bit farther, only when I can’t hold it anymore I emerge to the surface again. Once I do that I take the deepest breath I’ve ever taken, but that’s not enough. I’m hyperventilating and I’m not sure if it’s because I held my breath for too long or because of the pressure. Probably both.

I really suck at these kinds of situations. Having to face a deadline for a decision that looks incredible important is freaking me out. It’s just a decision, it could end in nothing. No one is telling me that this will work out, that Mare will get famous and all what that implies, but the mere thought that it could be something big scares me.

If this is giving me these strong and fast palpitations, there’s no way I could manage to become a musician. Even if I work on my confidence, it seems impossible the idea of facing a crowd. Saying no to this opportunity because I want to do it on my own, because I want to shine like a star is a lie. I wouldn’t do that, even if I want to. I just can’t. I’d be lying to myself if I said I wanted to try.

I really want to work on my confidence, to be able to make new friends. Even a few. To be able to talk to strangers, like any normal person. I don’t want my shyness to keep me from socialising because I like people, I want to make friends. I don’t want people to think I’m mute because I can’t even tell them my name. That sucks more than what I suck under pressure.

I take another breath and lie back on the water, watching the stars as I try to even my breathing. I just float on the water, closing my eyes and focusing only on making air come to my lungs. At my mind comes that moment Harry surprised me at the dock and how I failed at answering him, how I failed at communicating with another person, someone I really wanted to talk to. I don’t want that to happen again, I don’t want to feel like a failure because I’m not, I know I’m not a failure. I want to do something about this, I want to be able to talk to him, to tell him my name and that I’m pleased to meet him. I want to be polite. But I can’t do it on my own, it’s stupid of me to think I don’t need help to do this, and Mare is offering me her help if I help her in exchange.

It’s not just about talking to Harry, I think he only represents people in general. I’m seeing his face instead of just a blank one because it’s better, I think. I want to be able to talk to Timmy freely, or to Carl, or Mrs Drennan. I just want to talk to people, not just watch them from afar, never being part of their world. Harry is just the metaphor, I guess.

I guess I have to do this, if I really want to overcome my social anxiety, at least a bit. I need to do this. I’m just losing a chance that I was never really going to take. And as I said, it might not even work out at the end but at least I do get to do something about my shyness.

I sigh deeply and shiver, so I sink in the water again, just keeping my head above the water before I take a deep breath and submerge completely once again. I swim for a bit, coming out of water to take another breath and then repeat. I swim to clear my mind, to let my decision sink in and after a while I stop, when I’m in the middle of the lake, just floating there.

I know I’ve made my choice and I’ll accept Mare’s deal, which means I will give her my singing voice for her to try to get somewhere, while I get my social voice to be part of their world… to be part of his world.

And as I’m giving her my singing voice to get some confidence, I sing now, while still in the water of my lake. I sing until I’m so cold I feel I will get hypothermia. I just sing.

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ATENTION! Wanna know how Ariel's voice sounds like? Like BELLA FERRARO! I just love her so much. Thanks to @LyraAnonymous for the suggestion! A video of Bella at the sidebar so you can hear her <3

Bel, xx