용서 해줘

***

Jackson lies in the ground now, knocked out and bloody from my fists. Good riddance, that bastard.

I make my way to Colby who is still curled up on the bed, hugging her knees to her heaving chest. I kneel down beside her, reaching my hand out to comfort her but she hisses at me.

"Don't touch me," She says and my heart falls. I swallow.

"Cole, it's me," I tell her. "It's Mac. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise."

Colby hides herself behind her knees. "How do I know that? You're all the same. You're all sick." She whispers.

My heart seems to stop beating. Does she really think I'm just like them? Is what I did not enough?

"I'm not like them, Colby," I try. "I'm not," I put my hand on her shoulder gently but she flinches. I bite my lip. "I'm going to take you to Caitlyn's house and we're going to get you cleaned up all right? Does that sound okay?" Colby's body shakes, but she nods her head. I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Okay," I say gently. "Can I carry you?" She nods, removing her trembling arms from around her knees. My heart breaks at the sight of her face. Wet and red from crying and her eyes wide an petrified. I seethe. I ought to have killed him.

I carefully slip one arm under her legs, making sure her dress is over my arm so I don't touch her bare skin. I wrap the other arm around her back and pick her up with ease. Something about how easily I carry her makes me even more angry at Jackson for doing this to her. I bite down on my tongue to keep from saying anything and I feel Cole's arms wrap around my neck as she buries her face in my chest.

"I'm sorry," I whisper softly into her ear.

I unlock the door, stepping over Jackson's motionless body and coming out to face Bryson, Connor, and Logan. To my relief, they don't say anything when they see me walk out, their friend clearly unconscious and bloody on Bryson's floor. They part for me, letting me pass through them without saying a word. I want to spit at them, punch them until their heads crack open, watch them burn in the pit of Hell. But instead I glare at them evenly, descending the stairs with Colby in my arms as anger rampages through every nerve inside of me.

"Don't pass out on me okay?" I whisper once we have emerged from the sick, sick house. I start making my way towards my truck, mumbling in Colby's ear in desperate attempts to keep her awake. "We have to make it to Caitlyn's okay? Try to stay awake for me, we're almost to the car," At this point, I don't know if I'm reassuring Colby or myself, but I keep talking.

We've finally arrived at the truck and I unlock it, opening the passenger side door and laying her down on the seat. I lean it back a little bit, all the while talking to her, hoping we can please make it until we get to Caitlyn's. I pull down the seat belt, reaching over Cole's frail body to buckle it and careful not to lay a finger on her.

"Stay awake Cole okay?" I tell her as I try to hide the trembling of my hands. "Don't fall asleep, we'll be there soon."

I slam the door shut and cross to the driver's side, jumping in and jamming my keys into the ignition as fast as I can. I peel out of my parking spot, taking a sharp U-turn to head south for the freeway, my hand resting over Colby's as I drive.

"Stay awake Colby," I keep telling her. "Stay awake," I see her eyes flutter in my peripheral vision and I swallow, stopping briefly at a stop sign before taking off again. "I still owe you two secrets," I say, my heart catching in my throat. "Two secrets Little Miss, don't close your eyes... stay awake for me, stay awake..."

***

"You'd better not've gotten her pregnant, I swear." Caitlyn says when she opens the front door. I had to carry Colby out this time as well, and she was half asleep by the time we'd walked up the front step to Caitlyn's house.

"What? No, I haven't gotten her pregnant are you nuts?" I tell her. Caitlyn leans against the door jamb, looking at me skeptically. "I didn't get her pregnant!" I insist. Cait rolls her eyes at me, motioning for me to follow her inside.

"So what the hell happened?" She asks me after I've set Colby on the counter in the bathroom. She's handed me a wet rag and we've started dabbing Colby's face, hoping the cold will bring her out of her high fever. My chest tightens at Cait's question. How am I supposed to reiterate the events of the past forty-five minutes? I don't even know how I've been able to keep myself in one piece for so long. So I just shake my head.

"If I tell you, you're going to kill me." I warn her. Cait let's out an exasperated sigh, turning on the faucet with a yank and running her rag under the water again.

"I'm already pretty damn close but I made a smart choice," She says. She doesn't look at me. I knit my eyebrows and lift Colby's hair to cool the back of her neck. Oh jeez...

"Yeah?" I ask, trying to clear my head. "And what's that?"

"Taking you to a place with no weapons within arms reach."

I stop for a second. Am I really that hateable? At least I had the decency to bring Cole here, whatever harm I could've been putting myself into.

"You're kidding," I tell Cait. She shakes her head and blows on Colby's damp forehead.

"Dead serious. You're lucky my parents are gone, they locked the gun cabinet." She states. I can't help but scoff. "Now can you tell me what happened before I have a panic attack? Did she have a seizure?"

I shrug uncomfortably, dread creeping in to share a space with anger in my chest. "She might've, I don't know. Jackson -"

"Fucking hell, is that blood?!" Caitlyn shouts and I jump back, more scared than I was when I heard the scream from the window. I look to where Caitlyn's eyes widen and wish I hadn't followed her line of view.

"Shit." I curse.

"The fuck'd you do?!" Caitlyn shouts at me and I throw my hands up.

"I swear to God it wasn't me!" I plead.

"You'd better hope it wasn't you!" She snarls and I feel as if I'm a first grader who's just been scolded by their teacher. Cait buries her face in her hands and runs her fingers through her hair in a stressed action. I can relate. Jesus Christ this is so much worse than I thought.

"Put her in the shower, I'm gonna go get some new clothes. And goddammit Mac, you'd better keep your eyes to yourself or I'll -"

"I won't try anything!" I say unbelievingly. "She's been through enough tonight, you really think I'm that disgusting?"

Caitlyn shrugs, hanging from the doorjamb by her arm. "One can't tell when they're dealing with adolescent boys. Watch yourself, Mac." She warns and she vanishes to her room. I sigh in annoyance, lifting Colby up into my arms again, turning around and setting her gently in the bathtub. She moans painfully and her arms move to hug her waist. Her eyes are open into little slits and I can almost hope they're watching me.

"Hey, Little Miss," I say softly, pressing my hand against her cheek and burying my fingers in her hair. "Is it okay if I take of your dress? Caitlyn's coming in a minute to wash you up," Colby nods unsurely. I smirk. "Don't worry, I'm not like them, I won't be here." Colby cracks a smile and sits herself up straight. I help her out of the pretty green dress she looked so breathtaking in tonight, and I pull it up and over her head, tossing the soiled thing onto the tiles of the bathroom floor. And what catches my attention isn't her breasts or her panties, things other boys would notice.

It's her waist. I can feel my stomach wrenching as I stare at the dark bruises and hickeys that defile her skin, burning reminders that I'd failed her. I'd failed her.

"Oh God Cole," I whisper, choking. "What'd he do to you?"

Colby looks down at the bruises calmly, as if she knew they would be there. "I couldn't move." Her voice is ragged and strained. "He came into the room and it was like I'd forgotten how to breathe, or blink, or do anything..." She looks up at me with wide, brown, and tear filled eyes that make me want to make promises. "I'm so sorry." She whispers and her voice breaks and a tear runs down her cheek. She pulls me into her, burying her face in my shirt and I don't know how to hug her back. I don't want to touch her bare skin, to even risk hurting her or using it as an excuse to touch her while she only wears her underclothes. So instead I put one arm around her shoulders and put the other behind her head, digging my fingertips into her thick hair and pulling her closer. Her smell - the smell of paper and fruit - floods my senses and soothes my mind like a drug. I want her here in my arms all the time.

"Goddammit Mac." Caitlyn snaps.

***

Caitlyn set me up with some apple juice and Disney Channel after she kicked me out of the bathroom, as if I'm some sort of insignificant child instead of the person who practically just saved her best friend's life.

I sip on my apple juice - it's in a friggin box too - because who would waste a perfectly fine box of apple juice? Exactly. No one sane that's who. Plus, apple juice is good. And it's the only juice not ruined for me by the years I spent growing up on Olive. So there's that too.

I don't even think I know what show I'm watching. The quality is kind of weird, so I'm guessing it was filmed in the early 2000s. I've seen the actors before, but they're way older now. I've seen one of the main characters on some other show the foster kids would watch when I lived with them. I might've even seen this show as an elementary schooler but I can't remember much about it.

My leg bounces nervously, what is Colby going to say once she comes to herself? I just fricking took off her clothes. I don't know whether I should be nervous or terrified. Things like that aren't new to me, but with Cole it was different. And if it makes you relieved that I'm an actual boy, I'll admit it. Yes I have mentally undressed her. Yes I've imagined sex with her. Just because I'm not verbally disgusting and have more maturity than other guys doesn't mean that my nature is different too. The same things go on in my head as they go through my peers', I just try to suppress those thoughts for the sake of the some of the girls' dignity. There are some girls who think the perverted thinking is hot, but there are others who get embarrassed. I don't want them to be ashamed because of the crude jokes boys make.

What I mean to say is, yes I'm a guy. I think some pretty gross things. But I at least am considerate of whom those thoughts are about.

Still though. Seeing Colby like that... it was unsettling. I always thought when that'd happen, we wouldn't be in a bathtub after I'd just beaten the living shit out of a teammate and been scolded by Caitlyn Miller. When I thought about this in my room late at night, I never saw bruises or hickeys on her skin. I never saw blood seeping slowly out of her in a steady stream to empty into the drain. I never saw her face so broken and hurt, her eyes flashing with not just reflection of the recent events, but memories. Possibly memories of Jason. Or of other people who may have harmed her in the past. Memories I have yet to learn of.

I bury my face in my hands. I failed her. I left that goddamn room knowing that something was going to happen. I led her to that room in the first place. I was the one who told off my teammates and friends, practically disowning them. It was my fault Jackson went after her. Because he was mad at me. And he knew Cole was in that room. And he waited until I'd left to make his move. I'd failed her.

"Thanks Mac," Says Caitlyn's voice from next to me. I pull my face out of my hands, glad I'd held back the tears   Caitlyn gives me a small half-smile, but it's without joy. "She's been through enough as it is, but this was the breaking point," She places a hand on my back, rubbing my shoulder comfortingly. "I can't imagine how she feels right now..." Her voice has dropped to whisper of disbelief and her eyes look straight ahead, as if remembering.

"What did Jason do to her?" I ask her. "Did he...?"

"No," Caitlyn says. "God no. I thought he might've, but with all that blood she had coming out... there's no way." I nod, silently thanking God. If somebody told me Jason had done that to her I don't know if I could've kept myself together.

"When she was little," Cait begins and I look over at her. Her eyes are fixed on nothing. "She'd go to her grandma's a lot for runner. Her grandma did foster care for years and years, and she'd grown up with some of the kids her grandma ended up adopting," She's reciting it like one of her own memories. I can picture Cole, a little girl, jumping on the trampoline with a bunch of teenage boys. Playing with the girls as they dressed her up and played dolls. "She was really close with her 'uncles', Matt and Caden. One Sunday night, Matt took Colby into one of the back rooms and..." Cait chokes. My heart ceases to beat. Caitlyn looks down at her folded hands and bites her lip. I put my arm on her back for comfort. "He kissed her. And he touched her. She told me he wouldn't stop..." she trails off and I try not to think about what she was going to say.

"How old was she?" I ask. Caitlyn chews on her cheek.

"Four," she answers and I feel as if my rib cage has just been smashed open with a mace. Four years old...

"She told me she was too afraid to move and that she couldn't breathe. She told me when he finally let her go, her lip was bleeding and her stomach hurt really bad. I just can't imagine what that must have been like."

I swallow hard, trying to suppress my anger. "I can't either." I tell Cait. Caitlyn nods, crossing her legs and folding her hands over her knee.

"The second time it happened , she was six," She continues. I picture Colby a little bit older, playing hide and seek with her brother and cousins and 'uncles'. "Her uncle Caden brought her around to the back of her great grandma's house. Nobody was inside, and he told everyone to stay out of the backyard, which was where he took her. He..." Caitlyn's voice catches. I inhale through my nose to calm my nerves. "He asked her to show him her... you know," I nod, holding back a shiver. "And so she did and he asked to touch her, she was little, she was so scared it was going to happen again. But she told him yes. And after that she asked if she would touch him, but she said no. They went home after that, and he kissed her the whole walk there. I just... oh my God." Caitlyn buries her face in her hands, her body shivering. I can relate. It was horrifying. The reality of it, the realness. I wonder what it must have been like for Cole, being so little.

That's what makes her strong. She probably feels so weak having been taken advantage of so many times. But without Caitlyn, I wouldn't have even guessed that something so awful had happened to her. But it's also why she's so damaged. It's a reason why she defends herself so harshly and puts up that thick barrier between her and everyone else. She'd been dealing with that for such a long time and I see why Jason ended up being her breaking point.

"Is she...?" I ask and Caitlyn looks over at me, all serious again.

"She's fully dressed if that's what you're asking," She says and I bite back an amused grin. "I'm still not forgiving you for that. Even when you're married and are allowed to do that." I chuckle a little bit.

"Can I see her?" I ask. Caitlyn crosses her arms.

"Keep your clothes on and yes." She says. I smile and sit up from the couch. When I started talking with Cole, I never thought of what her friends would be like. Protective Lunatics was definitely not on my list of expectations.

Cole is sitting on the sofa in the family room, her knees tucked up into her chest. A song plays from Caitlyn's bedroom.

"You're beautiful, hamkkemyeon eoddeolji uri dul,
Maennal ireohge ddo sangsangeul hae,
You be with me with me, yeah..."

A pen is in her hand and it glides softly across the pad of paper in front of her. She's left handed.

"Hey, Little Miss," I say and I sit down next to her. Not too close, but not so far away that she can't hear me. She doesn't stop writing. She doesn't look up to see me. But there's a little smirk on her face that lets me know that she heard me. And that little smirk is what reminds me that the name no longer haunts her, but that it has a completely different story now. It reminds me that  beautiful things do come from ashes.

And how could I forget that until now? She's sitting here next to me. An example. A broken but beautiful example.

***

Author's Note

Aye feels.

It was really easy to write this chapter, and I'm happy. Yet it was really hard and emotional for me :( Oh well. I'll live.

I loved writing this chapter cause of Caitlyn. She really evolved in my head and I'm proud of myself. What do you guys think about her? And what do you think about Colby's backstory? Let me know by commenting. Don't forget to vote and thanks for reading chapter "21"!

Infires,

~ Cara💙