You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.

Olivia Sheldon

One day, I ship out in one day. The worst part is, my parents have been watching me like hawks and I haven't been able to leave. At all. Under any circumstances whatsoever.

I tried to explain to them why I couldn't just not go to work, and well, they had a few choice words.

Anyone who came over here for me was turned away at the door, and my window had recently had an alarm installed on the inside somewhere and any time it even slightly moved, the alarm went berserk.

It's been three weeks since I've last seen, felt, the sunshine on my face and if I don't get out soon I might need a straight jacket for the rest of my life.

Everything I owned was already packed in shipping boxes - had been since three days after I was rudely awakened; having nothing to do just gets you you sometimes.

Everything was packed, but nothing was really ready to go. I stared ahead at the blank wall, clueless as to what to do for entertainment; a book could not ease my mind at this point.

All my bags are packed, yet I'm not ready to leave. I began writing in the notebook I had found weeks ago and forgotten about. It is time to move on with my life. At least that's what my parents say. A fresh start and first impressions were key, they liked to remind me. But hell this was my grandmother, she knew me all my life. I needed to find a boy, more specifically someone they could be proud of; these words have been driven through my mind more this week than anything ever before. I did have someone though, someone they COULD be proud of. If they weren't so damn quick to judge and hypocritical. Maybe I could have a fresh start in a new city, my mother said, then I wouldn't always be so uptight. I could reinvent myself, be whoever I wanted. I could come home soon, she reminded me, IF I found a boy that pleased them, met their high expectation levels; it didn't matter who I brought home though, he would never be good enough for us. They were IMPOSSIBLE.  Maybe they should just have me betrothed, as if this was eighteenth century London or modern day India. Oh SHIT, I debated scratching that part out, didn't need to give my unreasonable parents ANY type of ideas. I'm scared. I'm so scared. Of what is happening, of what is to come. I've always wanted to visit a big city, New York maybe, but not like this; I can't leave this much behind. I can't just throw what could possibly be the greatest thing away. I couldn't hurt Darry like that.

I sighed putting the pen down for a bit before looking around the empty room. I couldn't believe this would be the last time I ever slept in this room.

Darry would never understand why I was leaving even if I spelled it out for him word for word. After Paisley, and then this, I don't think he would be able to move on. But I have to try to get him to understand. I have to leave tonight.

The thought of leaving Kieran and the gang behind, the strong bonds we have all formed, it hurt me to my core. More than I've ever known a hurt. Worse than Randy ever did.

;

Randy, what am I supposed to do? I thought, though I knew there would be no answer. I kneeled at the grave, flowers in hand.

You do what's right. You follow your heart. His voice resonated in my mind before the last advice he ever gave me seemed to ring out from the silence of the cemetery. "I want you to promise me something: if you love someone you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing, even if you're scared that it'll cause problems, even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground. You say it and you say it loud... and then you go from there."

I looked up to the night sky finding the brightest star and smiling as it seemed to glow brighter for a second before dimming down to its normal rays of shine.

"Randy." I tried grasping at the star as if it was tangible, unsuccessfully.

I stood, brushing the dirt off my pants before patting the headstone. "I might not be back for a while, but I'll always be thinking of you." I walked off back to the blue mustang, opening the passenger door and slipping inside.

"Thanks for doing this." I turned to Bob in the confined space, not making eye contact.

"We are all entitled to love." Bob said through the silence, looking out the side window at Randy's grave a bit sadly. It was his best friend after all.

"I don't suppose you'd take me to Darrel's real quick, would you?" I sighed softly as Bob switched on the radio.

"Tomorrow." He promised before veering into the road and driving off from the cemetery.

"Yeah." I looked out the window at the immense black of the night sky, stars occasionally lighting up here and there. I watched as a star fell and traced its path with my eyes, but never wished on it; it wouldn't do any good.

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man that walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

The words of the song registered deep into my mind and I though about Darry. Would he agree with this song? Does he know this song? Would he ever listen to this song?

I swear I couldn't love you more than I do right now, and yet I know I will tomorrow. People always say hate is a strong word and I reply with, well then so is love. They usually stare at me like I've lost my mind. People throw that word, that phrase, around so much nowadays I'm not sure they even know what it means. Are we really in love? Can we really not live without each other? Is that really how you feel? It seems simple but it is all so jumbled and complicated and intertwined and there is no way to untangle the mess that is our society. But with Darry there is something else; with him I know this is true, unadulterated, whole-felt, real love that is always flowing; it is something that is always conforming and changing ways to fit, but lasting the barrier of time. I'm ready to test it out, but only if he is willing.

I closed the notebook before turning my bedside lamp off and rolling over to sleep in this room for the last time.

If you're not scared, you're not taking a chance. And if you're not taking a chance then what the hell are you doing?