IMPORTANT:  okay, so I'm editing this just now and I feel compelled to put this note in here right now.

1-800-273-8255 is the suicide hotline number if you ever need it. or if you ever need to talk to someone you can pm me.

also: every survivor of attempted suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge realized about halfway down that all of their seemingly unfixable problems that led them to the decision to kill themselves - they all had a solution. Every single one of them.

Here is this: this comes from a coroner who uncovers and does autopsies on suicide jumpers from the Golden Gate Bridge: "it's not the immediate fall that kills them. It's the injuries, the broken legs, the broken arms, the ribs and hypothermia inducing water that make it impossible to swim. They think they are going for a quick death but are in for more pain and suffering before the end."

You don't even need a gun, you don't even need a pill. If you ever wanna die, fall in love and you'll get killed.

Olivia Sheldon

"I was told today I would get up here and I would talk about my last words, the last conversation I ever had with Randy Adderson, but I don't think I can. So instead I will describe what I saw in him, or every time I ever looked at him, to everyone."

"There was something so special about randy, you know? I can't quite put my finger on what it was, but he just had something...... this aura about him. He didn't care about labels or about what you thought of him, he was simply a boy from a town where everybody knew him. He was nice to all people, even when they didn't return the favor. He couldn't hurt a fly. I think he had the best heart in this town, and now we've lost him. We've lost him because I couldn't do anything. And I just want you to know, Randy, I didn't just lose a friend, but a second brother, and I would've stayed with you all night, had I'd known how to save a life."

(Nope, not funny...)

"S-so" I started breathing shakily and wiping the tears from under my eyes, "I'm sorry I couldn't save you. But if there is one thing I've learned from this it's that Some goodbyes start something in you, the kind of thing you are not meant to explain, you just know you have to solve on your own."

(Thanks to R.M. Drake on Instagram for that italicized quote above!)

A song started playing in the background, while everyone got out of their seats and moved to a cork board in the front where pictures of Randy were pinned, looking at them, touching them, smiling, remembering.

Our friends all ask me
The last time I saw you
And I smile and tell them
It's been a day or two
There's no way to explain it
The way that I miss you
And my love, you have left me
Indescribably blue

I talk to your picture
My fav'right one of you
I wish that you were here with me
But what good will it do
Having no way to tell you
The pain that I've been through
Oh, my love, you have left me
Indescribably blue
Yes, my love, you have left me
Indescribably blue

There were a few of him as he was before he died, but most of them were older photos from when he was younger. There were a lot of he and Bob, a few of he and I, and some of he and his family, his sister.

I sighed looking out to the empty pews. and tapping my finger nails against the wood podium. Somehow, the song conveyed how I felt, even though it was a song about a break up, but I took in a different light.

When the song came to a stop and everyone was seated , I started again, my voice going hoarse and cracking this time, my throat raw from all the crying I've been doing. "I just hope you're happier wherever you are. I'll try my best to live for you and not care what anyone thinks, even if they don't accept me, because I know you'd want that. I will always, always remember what you said to me, take it to heart, do it. I can still hear your voice in the back of my mind, saying those words over and over. I think I always will, and I can deal with that. I'll do my best to make you proud. God what I would do to see that smile, those eyes, again. You've given me so much courage over the years. I'm glad I had you as a brother, Randy. "I walked off the stage like thing and over to his casket. Distantly, I heard clapping, but I didn't care that much,

The coroner couldn't cover the damage and bruises done to his head, so it was unfortunately a closed casket funeral. I rubbed the wood where I knew his head was as a single tear trailed down my cheeks. It felt like it would be my last, but I knew it wasn't, by a long shot.

"Goodbye, Randy."

Finally I walked back over to the first row of pews, which was reserved for family, and sat down between his mom and sister, trying my best to comfort them.

"You can't win." I heard a familiar voice. What is he doing here? "That's what Randy said to me once. It was before a rumble, and he wanted to talk to me; at first I didn't know what he wanted. I was confused, but I think I understand what he meant now." I glanced over my shoulder real quick and to the back to see everyone, the whole greaser gang standing in the back with solemn faces staring straight ahead at the casket, at Randy. "And I know I probably shouldn't be here at all right now, but I'm here to support a friend. And I feel like you should hear this, like you need to. For closure or whatever reason you may come up with. So he said to me, we were in his car outside the DX, and he said to me, he told me with that serious look he seemingly always had on, "You can't win. You know that don't you? It doesn't matter if you whip us, you'll still be where you were before, at the bottom. And we'll still be the lucky ones at the top with all the breaks. It doesn't matter. Greasers will still be geasers and socs will still be socs. It doesn't matter. Sometimes I think its the ones in the middle that are really the lucky stiffs." And I understand what he meant now." Ponyboy finished and ducked off the stage to the back of the room where the rest of the gang was.

"If you are going to the plot sight, we are leaving now." The funeral director said at the front while ushering everyone out and to their cars.

I rode in with Randy's family, and looking at them now, none of them seem fit to drive, so I politely asked for the keys from Randy's mom, and drove to the void cemetery.

;

I watched as Randy's body sank into the ground, and after everyone got up and threw their handfuls of dirt into the deep pit, I walked up and threw a single, delicate, black carnation on top.

I walked away with shuffling feet towards where Ponyboy was waiting with the gang. I was surprised to seem them all dressed nicely, with button up shirts, ironed pants, shiny shoes, the whole shebang. Except for Kieran, I knew she owned a couple of dresses and nice shoes she would wear on occasion.

"We have food - actual, real, nice food - at the house, so you're coming with us. And I don't want to hear any arguing." Ponyboy demanded while grabbing my arm and dragging me to an older style blue Volkswagen Beetle. Soon Two-bit, Dally, Johnny, and Kieran were beside the car also, waiting to leave.

"We can go." I said, as everyone seemed to be looking at me expectantly.

"Right." Dally said swinging a pair of keys around his index finger. Soon the sound of locks clicking sounded through the air, and the door was pulled open. Everyone started to pile into the back before the seat was put back into place and I sat down there.

I bit my lip and looked out the window at the passing scenery, enjoying the silence in the air.

;

"GET THIS OFF ME. GET THIS DRESS OFF ME. GET. IT. OFF." I screamed at Kieran as I clawed at my sides and arms attempting to rip the dress off my body. I felt suffocated in the material. It was all too close to my skin, closing in on my body, suddenly becoming constricting, squeezing my body. Making it harder to breathe, harder to focus on anything; and suddenly the walls were closing in and making  the room ten times smaller. No, fuck that. Fuck the room. I was in a box now, a small box, and getting smaller. I could hear nothing except my erratic heart pounding in my ear drums now, so loud, almost unbearable. I couldn't hear my ragged breathing becoming shallower or the frantic screaming of Kieran. No. Only my heart pounding against my rib cage like waves on a rocky shore during a storm. My vision had black dots now and I was down on my knees but I felt like I was floating in the clouds. I was gone, so gone, and I couldn't hear, couldn't see anymore, but I knew I was still awake. Suddenly, all the pressure was released from my body, my skin could breathe again, I could breathe again.

My breathing gradually slowed and evened out as my vision and hearing came back to me and I saw a slit down the back of my dress with a pair of scissors next to it. My arms had red, angry scratches down them and carpet burns on my knees. I could feel Kieran behind me, hugging my body as she rocked us back and forth on the floor. I tried moving, but it was like there was a lead weight in my body, dragging me down, chaining me to the floor.

An hour had passed of Kieran and I just sitting there, and I decided it was time to get up again. I pulled myself up with the help of an end table and walked over to the closet. I grabbed clothes and walked to the bathroom deciding I needed a shower. I turned on the tap and stepped under as the heated water hit my body. I stood under there for what seemed like centuries just thinking, and crying. But really, no one could tell the difference between my tears and the shower water streaming down my face and body, eventually swirling in the drain.

I looked like a prune now, and the water had long since run cold. I stepped out and wrapped a towel around my shoulders and stared at myself, at my reflection in the mirror across the room. If it was possible, it was like my reflection was judging me, judging its own self with hateful eyes and inaudible rude remarks. A banging on the door snapped me out of my reverie and I watched as the door handle jangled back and forth. I didn't say anything, instead unlocking and peeking my head out the door at a worried Kieran. Still, with silence I looked her in the eyes as to say that I was fine and I'd be out in a minute. I dressed quickly and walked out into the room, over to the turntable on a bookshelf in the room.

I sighed as I put a random record in the player and observed the stylus spinning in the grooves. Crawling under the cool covers I stared at the ceiling waiting, waiting. Waiting for something, anything to happen and suddenly I'd wake up from this drea- nightmare.

But no. No, this was real. This actually happened. And there's no waking up from reality.

And that night with Elvis Presley's Are you lonesome tonight playing I cried myself to sleep curled into Kieran's body.

Bet your window's rolled down and your hair's pulled back
And I bet you got no idea you're going way too fast
You're trying not to think about what went wrong
Trying not to stop 'til you get where you goin'
You're trying to stay awake so I bet you turn on the radio
And the song goes

I can't live without you, I can't live without you, baby
I can't live without you, I can't live without you, baby, baby

The highway won't hold you tonight
The highway don't know you're alive
The highway don't care if you're all alone
But I do, I do.
The highway won't dry your tears
The highway don't need you here
The highway don't care if you're coming home
But I do, I do.
- highway don't care, Tim McGraw ft. Taylor Swift

&~

vvvvvvvvvv depressing chapter, I'm sorry.

And about the Elvis song, Idk it just kinda felt fitting.

but anyways, hope you enjoyed. Idk. Whatever. So anyways...

Vote, comment, be active.

I'm talking to you, all you ghost readers out there. You know who you are.

Love yah

Byeeeeeeeee