CHAPTER SEVEN: HEARTACHE

"at least i'm not a virgin"

—

INDIANA WAS NEVER GOOD AT BEING SICK.

She got grouchy and bored and annoyed too easily. Impatient and headstrong were two words that described Indiana growing up, and if she focused too much on being bored, she'd only grow more bored.

Shane used to call out of work when she had the stomach bug. He'd make Lori's chicken noodle soup and tell her stories, using her stuffed animals as characters, giving them all different voices.

As she got older, she would spend her time coloring or writing when she was sick. He'd still call out of work and make her chicken noodle soup, but didn't tell her stories or even come into the room. It just helped to know that he was home.

And now, in the apocalypse, following a brief cardiac arrest, Indiana sat up in a bed that wasn't hers, surrounded by humid, thick, Georgia air, no chicken noodle soup in sight.

Indiana missed air conditioning the most.

"Knock, knock."

Indie looked up, smiling when she spotted Rick at the door.

"Hey, cricket," he smiled down at her. "Carl's asking about you. Know when we can break you outta here?"

Indiana laughed softly. "Uh, right now?" She joked. "You're a cop, just arrest my doctor."

Rick smiled, walking over and taking a seat at the chair next to her bed. "Thank you," he said seriously, grabbing her hand. "You're everything to Carl, and to Shane, and I...can't thank you enough for what you did. Seein' you like that, with your heart stopped...all I could picture was Shane coming home and never seeing you again."

Indiana looked down, avoiding his eyes.

"You make him a better man, Indie," he informed her. "You always have."

"I'm just lucky to be his daughter."

"And you are," Rick told her seriously. "Blood or not, you are family. As much as Shane's my brother, you are his daughter."

"I'd do it again," she met his eyes. "For Carl, I would."

"I know. And I'd do it if it were you."

It hit her then, squeezing his hand, matching understanding smiles on their faces, that she was to Rick what his son was to her.

"How's everyone settling?"

"Good," Rick replied, shifting, his hand still in hers. "Glenn and Maggie are on a run. They seem to get along."

"Oh?" Indiana's eyes darted away from Rick, trying to hide the faint blush that trailed her cheeks as she recalled Maggie's lips on her own.

"What's that look about?"

Indiana cleared her throat, shrugging nonchalantly.

"You and Glenn?"

Her eyes met Rick's and she was appalled by the suggestion. Absolutely not.

"No, of course not, it's Glenn."

"What's wrong with Glenn?" Rick frowned. "Thought you liked him. He's a good kid."

"No, he's my best friend."

"Yeah, that could lead to—"

Indiana made a gagging noise and Rick laughed.

"Or not. Got it." He was quiet for a beat. "Maggie, then?" He asked a bit softer.

Indiana nodded. "Yeah."

"Sorry, kid."

"For what?"

"She's religious," he sighed. "That ain't gonna work, cricket."

Indiana looked down, pulling her hand from his. She knew that. Of course, logically, she knew it wouldn't work. But something in her gut wanted to fight and scream and make it work.

She wanted so badly to kiss Maggie again.

But she'd stuff it all down if Maggie made Glenn happy. Because in the short time that she'd known Glenn — a boy who'd lost his entire family in the outbreak and was slowly creating his own — she'd called him her best friend, and she'd rather get eaten by walkers than take away his chance of happiness.

"I know," Indiana nodded. "I know that."

"I'm gonna try and keep us here," Rick told her. "On the farm. All of us."

"Hershel won't like it," Indiana argued. "He's a good man but we shouldn't take advantage of his kindness."

"What's the alternative, Indy? Goin' out there?" Rick shook his head. "I won't do that to you all. To Carl."

Indiana nodded. "Okay," she said softly. But she didn't think it would work. She didn't think they would stay. Hershel was a man who abided his own perspectives. She doubted they'd stay here once she and Carl healed. "If you say so."

"I do."

"And that's the word, is it?" Indiana joked.

"Sure is, cricket."

—

Indiana didn't leave the bed for three days, before Hershel deemed her well enough to start walking again.

She couldn't shoot or do any heavy lifting, so as not to strain her heart, but she could walk, get fresh air, spend time with everyone.

Indiana found herself the week of Carl's healing spending time with Daryl, in his tent, a bit further than everyone else. Glenn was ogling Maggie — which she pretended didn't hurt, but couldn't deny that it did — and Lori and Rick were both taking residence in Carl's room.

Shane was...

Wandering a lot. Getting into the woods, ignoring everyone mostly. He'd check in on Carl or press a kiss to Indiana's head.

"Alrigh'?" Daryl asked quietly, sharpening one of his knives, glancing at her.

She didn't even notice she'd been staring off into the distance. Indiana blinked, nodding, and looked at him.

"I'm really sorry we didn't look for Merle," she offered as soft as he'd spoken.

Daryl stopped sharpening for a moment, surprised by her words, but he resumed it again moments later. "'S'alrigh'," he shrugged. "Wasn't no one gonna fin' him anyway."

"He's still your brother," she reminded him gently. "I'd look for Carl if it were up to me."

"That ain't the same thin'," Daryl shook his head. "Merle's an ass. Carl's a kid."

"If I ever find him, I'll bring him home," she said softly.

Daryl's lips tugged into a small smile. "You an' me both, bunny."

—

Indiana didn't see Sophia much, but always gave her a hug in passing, or ruffled her hair. She was brighter than before Ed's death. Making jokes to the group, a bit more outgoing to the other males.

Carol always sent her a watery, grateful smile when Indiana passed and she always waved it off.

She'd save Sophia a dozen times before letting her run off alone. It would've always turned out that way, whether Carl or Sophia were the ones that needed helping.

—

Indiana helped Carol string up clothing onto the clothesline, the least she could offer since she couldn't hunt with Daryl or provide anything else to the group in her condition.

"Hey, Lori," Indiana smiled cheerfully at her motherly figure as she walked over. "Sleep okay?"

"I can't believe I slept in," Lori shook her head.

"You must have needed it," Carol brushed off her words. "Feelin' alright?"

"Next time wake me up," Lori told them, giving a pointed look to Indiana, who smiled innocently. "Especially on laundry day."

"I can manage," Carol shook her head, folding up a shirt and hanging it. "Besides, Indy's helping me today."

"Daryl says I'm still too hurt to hunt," Indiana explained to Lori. "So here I am."

"Not bad work," Lori reminded Indiana. "It's still necessary."

Indiana hummed in agreement, tucking one of her undergarments away. She did not need to hang that up where everyone could see it.

"Indie and I had an idea we wanted to run by you," Carol spoke up, shaking one of Sophia's shirts.

"And what's that?"

"That big kitchen of theirs got me thinking," Carol explained. "And Indie found some apple pie filling when she and Sophia were lost to us—"

"—And Maggie says they have the stuff to make some dough—"

"—Well, I wouldn't mind cooking in a real kitchen again," Carol stated. "And Indie's raving about her pie."

"It is good," Lori nodded. "'Bout the only thing she can cook," she added teasingly.

"Hey!"

Lori smiled playfully at Indiana, who rolled her eyes and hung up pairs of socks.

"Maybe," Carol spoke up again, "we all pitch in and cook dinner for Hershel and his family tonight."

Lori watched Carol and Indiana for a moment before she replied. "After everything they've done for us, seems like the least we could do."

"Would you mind extending the invitation?" Carol asked Lori timidly. "Would feel more right coming from you."

"How so?" Lori asked.

"You're Rick's wife," Carol clarified. "It sort of makes you our unofficial First Lady."

"I never voted," Indiana held up a hand playfully. "This election was rigged."

Her words made the brief flicker of worry across Lori's face falter and she let out a laugh.

"Sure thing, we'll elect nominations."

"Thanks, Mama."

—

"Maggie and I slept together," Glenn said quickly, pulling Indiana into a closet. "We just — so I'm not — virgin club's over."

"Maggie kissed me," Indiana blurted out, covering her mouth.

Hurt flashes Glenn's face and then confusion. "She kissed you?"

"I think it was an experiment," Indiana assured him. "She said she wanted it to be a secret but if we're sharing secrets then I've kissed a girl now. Kissed someone period. Oh my god, am I half a not-virgin too?"

"Is it weird it's the same girl?" Glenn asked curiously. "That feels weird. Are you weirded out?"

"No, are you?"

"No, it's kind of hot."

"Gross," Indiana's nose crinkled up. "Don't picture me and Maggie, I don't want you thinking anything sexual about me."

"Ew, no," Glenn rolled his eyes. "I mean, Maggie and a girl. Not you. You're pretty but I'd rather kiss a walker."

"That's a huge extreme," Indiana scowled. "Im offended by that. What if we were the last people on earth?"

"It's not that far into our future," Glenn contemplated. "But I think in the case of severe necessity to ensure the survival of the human race, uh...sure. Sure. We could do it."

"I think I'm going to re-enter cardiac arrest because I'm so disgusted."

"That's not how that works."

"What do you know, you're not a doctor."

"At least I'm not a virgin."

"Oh, big man, fancy new whatever." Indiana rolled her eyes. "How long did you last?"

"What?!" Glenn squeaked, eyes widening and he blushed. "I-I dunno. It was...it wasn't fast," he lowered his voice, "she said it wasn't her first time, but she came really fast."

"Did she really or was she a good actress?"

"You can't fake it," Glenn countered with a confused frown.

"You poor nugget," Indiana shook her head. "Of course you can."

"How would you know?"

"I've watched porn."

"That explains nothing," Glenn shook his head. "Do you think Maggie watched porn."

"Lesbian porn," Indiana nodded. "It's why she and I kissed."

"God, stop saying that," Glenn grimaced, looking away. "It was kind of hot the first time but now I'm picturing it and that means we've indirectly kissed—"

"—Oh, oh, gross, Glenn!"

"I can't help it!"

The door behind them opened and Rick stood with his eyebrows raised.

"What are you two doing in there?"

"Nothing!" They said together.

Rick looked between them for a moment. "I...don't even wanna know. Indie, Lori's looking for you."

"I want a compiled detailed fanfiction of a thousand words to vicariously live through you," Indiana said quietly to Glenn. "Got it?"

Glenn nodded in understanding. "Copy, on your desk tomorrow."

"Atta boy."

—

Indiana didn't mean to overhear them.

Truly, she hadn't meant to cause any harm. But she was searching Lori and Rick's tent for one of Carl's favorite stuffed animals — one she made sure was brought from their house — and she heard them talking.

Her heart sank.

Body froze. Eyes filled with tears. Something gripped at her chest, gnawing at her insides and threatened to tear her in half.

It shouldn't hurt that much. She should be excited. Indiana had always loved Carl like a brother.

But Carl had a father and his father wasn't hers.

Her hands trembled around the small bear — one she dug out of the bottom of a toy box at the dentist when Carl was seven and she gave it to him for being so good. He'd kept it ever since.

Pregnant.

Lori was pregnant.

Indiana may never have had sex, but she knew the logistics of a baby and the chances of it being her father's and not Rick's were significantly higher.

It made her want to cry.

Some childish notion in the back of her mind taunted her. He'd love that baby more. It would be his baby.

Not a charity case he plucked out of a bad home and gave shelter.

He would have his own child. To raise and care for and Indiana would be...

As good as the walkers.

Aimlessly strolling around a lifeless world clinging to the base desires that kept her from ever forming positive connections with other people. She'd be hopeless. Alone.

Lori was pregnant and Indiana couldn't for the life of her find the courage to be happy about it.

That sick, twisted hatred inside her roarer, clinging to jealousy and pushing aside any semblance of excitement.

What if Shane had a little girl? A girl he'd love more than he could ever love Indiana. With his eyes and hair and what if he called her lev instead of Indiana?

What if she'd become a burden onto the family that raised her?

The more she thought about it, the more the feeling grew. The resentment and jealous and bitter childish attitude. She hated the knowledge that the fetus inside Lori would ruin her marriage with Rick.

What if it brought Lori and Shane closer?

Of course she loved Lori, but she loved Rick too. And it would only confuse Carl.

It was so messy and unnecessary and she hated the child for bringing another plethora of problems to an already messy world.

Indiana didn't mean to hear Glenn and Lori talking about it, truly.

And she wished so badly she hadn't.

—

Okie FINALLY after literal months omfg I'm sorry gang smh hope you guys liked tysmmmm for the love on this story im sad it deserves more I love indie and this story
also if you see indie or indy I can't decide which I like more so it's interchangeable I guess lolll
and before anyone says "oh Indiana's a grown woman blah blah" yeah with huge co-dependency issues + childhood trauma + abandonment issues ofc the idea of a baby upsets her she doesn't wanna lose the only thing she's ever consistently had
also Glenn and Indy are so funny to me wtf I love them