I always wanted to start over, you know?

I guess I was curious about the feeling of going somewhere new and being able to be myself to a bunch of strangers, and they would judge me because everyone does, but it wouldn't matter to me because their opinions would be meaningless like the furious wind that tries, pointlessly, to blow away a mountain. So I could be whoever I wanted, say whatever I wanted...To me, that was the definition of freedom, and today I recognise it was a bit shallow, but I was a kid back in those days.

I had always wanted to go to a place full of strangers, and new roads, where I could easily rewrite my story and become whoever I wanted without having to explain it to anyone. I craved a new life with no past, because there were things that I wanted to erase, things that I had done and said, decisions that I had made and I wanted them to be forgotten. I wanted ME to be forgotten.

I was sick of being who I was because who I was wasn't myself. Like I was trapped in someone else's story, and I had to play their role perfectly because when I got out of the screenplay, I was scolded and hurt. And there was no life behind the scenes...except for those tiny moments when I was alone in my room, listening to the same old rock songs and escaping the outer world.

Charlotte Galicia Grayson had always been the good girl. Always wearing the "right" clothes, always saying the "right words" of doing the "right" things. The girl that would say yes to anything no matter if she wanted to say no, the girl that would only say nice things to others because she thought she wasn't good enough to criticise anyone because she thought that maybe, people would love best someone who would never contradict them or would never say the truth they didn't want to hear and that's why, Charlotte Galicia Grayson wasn't alive.

I wasn't alive.

I was buried in my own mask.

I had played this role for so long that I didn't know who I was anymore. I worked hard to bury my emotions and tolerate everything from everyone. And that sucked. I was numb and I wanted to feel something.

That's why I wanted so badly a fresh start.

A metamorphosis.

Painfully, I couldn't take a plane and run away or drive a car across an endless road and get lost on the highway. That's why going to college in a different school was the beginning I could get for the moment.
My best friend wanted me to go to the same school she had picked, and she had spent months planning how our lives would be, just the way she wanted and at the place of her choice and that's why I had changed my mind at the last minute and selected a different school, a school where most of the students would be strangers to me. A school without her.

I hadn't told her. I had ignored her all summer and I hoped she was so mad at me that our friendship had died like the flowers die when autumn begins.

You may think I am a bad person, a cold person, a person who deserves no friends and probably I am, but if I aim to tell this story, I ought to tell it right. I won't paint myself as the sweet, perfect and always right main character you may be used to, cause the truth is that I am guilty of making mistakes, of having felt horrible and wrong things and I'm not ashamed of it because I'm, above all, a human.

That's how I took a deep breath, sank in relief, and started over.

The first day though, wouldn't be what I wanted, not how I expected. Things were okay at first: only two familiar faces in my new class. They weren't close friends to me so I had the chance to sit alone at the last table of the classroom, there at the bottom where no one would notice me much. However, everyone looked at me with curiosity. I liked it that way because they didn't know me and they were forming opinions about me already. For them, I was the loner, the messed up kid with tired eyes, wearing black eyeliner and black bracelets and black long socks over my knees, boots with silver chains, silver rings and a bad attitude. The bad attitude I had always kept hidden because I was afraid of rejection. Now who cared?

So no one sat beside me on the bottom line except for Emili, the girl in the corner on the other side of the classroom. She was sort of a scene kid with long hair in different shades of purple, big dark eyes with a lot of colourful make-up, stars and glitter in her face and colourful bracelets and a choker necklace I had never seen before in any shop. People stared at her like staring at a freak, so she had all sorts of reasons to stare at me with joy. Because there weren't many kids like us in the classroom and being a loner seemed to be my thing but not hers. She looked at me and smiled as if she wanted to be my friend. I just avoided her big black eyes the whole day.

When I got out in the first break, after our English Teacher, and head teacher, Edna Thompson told us what was expected of us this new school year, I stumbled upon someone in the hall and I didn't expect that. It ruined my day, and probably my whole life.

"Charly? What the fuck?!"

It was Carol, the one I had been trying to escape from. That was the first time I knew karma was a bitch.

"Hello...", I said. I had no choice but to face her, and I was nervous as if I was standing on a stage in front of a big audience.

"Hello? Where the hell have you been? Why didn't you answer my phone calls? Why didn't you call me back?"

"Sorry...I was at my aunt's. I kinda left the phone at home."

"The whole fucking summer? Do I have to believe you?"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't well."

She grimaced in that awful way I hated, acting motherly and adult.

"Whatever...I tried to contact you because I wanted to tell you that I was coming here...instead of Cleaveland. Jeremiah, my mom's old friend works here and told me universities have been focused on students in this academy and I could have better shots if I came here. Anyways...looks like you had your own sources to inform you and you came as well..."

"Or maybe that was just...luck."

"Or maybe the universe would never allow our friendship to die..."

I nodded silently, I was shocked more than anything. She pulled my hand and dragged me to a rather empty corridor. She seemed to want to share a secret.

"Hey...", she said holding both of my hands warmly, "I'm sorry if I did something wrong okay...My mum has been asking me about you the whole time and scolding me for...well, I don't know what she blames me for, but I've missed you so much this summer...I tried to phone you, text you...phoned your house number, and nothing!"

"Hey...you did nothing wrong. My phone was broken for almost the whole summer and I left it at home, then I just got really busy and I went to visit my aunt in the country.  There was no reception there at all...My mum probably forgot to tell you. But I really wanted to be alone. I'm sorry..."

That was a lie obviously, not entirely but...most of it. I had spent part of the summer locked in my room. Then I went to my aunt's because I wanted to get away from the city and I didn't want to talk to her. Not because she had done anything wrong but because she was all wrong in my life and I was exhausted of her. I needed to know if she had something to do with my constantly depressed mood and I guess I figured out she was a big part of it. That sounds mean and harsh I know, but that is the truth, I just was too nice to tell her.

She was cute, the kind of girl you look at and say "Wow you're beautiful", and that was the problem. Around her, I felt tiny, outshined and invisible. I hadn't met anyone who wanted to be with me, but people who only were around me because of her, and I felt lonely. I was always that stupid third wheel or the wallflower to ignore. Most of the time she was talking about her life, her lovers, her problems...Everything around her was only about her, and I got sick of it. Her problems flooded me, her issues and her feelings and she left no space in my mind or my life to take care of myself.

"So why didn't you tell me you would come here? I thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore, you know. I was sad."

"I...I was thinking about my future, Carol. Coming to this school is going to give me better odds when applying for university. I didn't tell you because It was a last-minute thing. And well...you're here anyways aren't you?"

"But you're my best friend, and you can tell me anything. I will always support you. And I won't judge you. So stop isolating okay? Stop trying to be on your own when you know you need me!"

Luckily the bell rang and we both had to go. I was starting to feel upset and I didn't want to start an argument already.

"I'll pick you up after class...alright?"

"Okay...", I agreed painfully and ran back to my classroom.

Now I was screwed and my metamorphosis was a failure. I was a caterpillar who had escaped its cocoon thinking it had grown butterfly wings, but mistakenly, took a faith jump and died because it remained a caterpillar. A stupid and silly caterpillar with no butterfly wings.

I spent the rest of the day sitting at the bottom of the classroom, by my desk, staring out the window and sighing, silently, hoping to find a solution to my grieves. I hid in the bathroom until school was empty and then, when everyone had already gone home, I was able to get out and finally go.
Why did I have to be like that? Why did I keep pushing myself to stand beside people I disliked or simply didn't want in my life anymore? Why couldn't I be brave and tell her I just didn't think we were friends anymore?

When I got out some kids were still hanging out in the front park, right across the school. It was lunchtime and most of them were eating sandwiches, playing music on their phones and even smoking while planning to go to the beach afterwards, to celebrate the end of the summer. I wasn't going to be part of that, especially because I didn't want to stumble upon Carol. So I rushed to leave. But someone called my name and I had to look back.

"Charlyyyy!"

When I looked at her, it was Emili. She was sitting next to a boy with long wavy hair. He was familiar to me but I couldn't remember where or when I had seen him before. Another girl with long orange hair and a pink cardigan over the uniform was standing beside them. They were drinking milkshakes, the three of them, but Emili had an extra one in her other hand. I went towards her since I didn't want to seem rude.

"Hey", I said shortly.

"Heyyyyy!", she said cheerfully and full of energy.

"What's up!"

"I'm Emili...in case you don't remember me."

"I know. I'm Charly. But you already know that."

"It's such a coincidence to find you here...I heard you were going to Cleaveland, which is best for artists, but I can't say I'm not glad you're here."

"Oh...I'm not an artist...anyways...Cliffcohen is much better in all aspects than Cleaveland, although a little bit more expensive. How do you know I was going there?"

"Never mind...I must've heard it from someone back at our old school. By the way, I loooove your socks and your hair and your make-up. I didn't realise back at secondary school you were so cool."

I blushed. I was not used to getting any compliments from anyone at all. Carol was always the one who got those.

"Thank you. I'm trying a new look I guess. You look great too. Where did you get those?", I said pointing at their milkshakes.

"Oh...a cafe over there. Osprey. Want this one? I just had another two and I'm full."

"You had two milkshakes and were planning to have a third one?"

"Yeah...," the boy with the long hair said. "She eats like a truck driver."

"Shut up Ashley. I had two, this is the third one and the one I'm offering would be the fourth?", she crunched her nose funnily and laughed. She was an odd person, but way too friendly. "I'm lying dummy. I got this one for you. I wanted to invite you to hang out with us because you seemed to be lonely today in class. I don't know if you remember we were in the same class but you never really talked to me. However...maybe you just never had the chance."

"Uhm...I'm sorry. I'm not a social person. And I'm really clueless about most of things."

Truth is that I did remember her and I always wanted to be her friend but I was too busy hanging out with Carol and I never thought I could approach Emili. However, I wasn't in the mood for new friends and all I wanted was to be alone. I don't know if that makes any sense.

"It's okay. I'm totally social. So, wanna hang out?"

"With you?"

At that point, I was oblivious to the reasons for her interest in me, but it felt nice.

"Yeah...we're going to a beach party tonight. Is going to be fun. But we're not mingling with them", she said pointing at a group of students that seemed to be...normal. "So... don't worry. It will be just us. And Ashley's sister is driving us. A lot of people like us will come."

"What do mean by people like us?"

"Ehm...emos, punks, skaters, grunges, some heavies..."

"Oh...I didn't know about this classist thing."

"Is not classist or racist is the way we identify ourselves as part of the urban subcultures. it's who we are and how we express ourselves. You'll love it. There will be a lot of rock and roll and beer, nice people..."

I was almost tempted, but a party with all those strangers was way too much for me.

"I don't know... I'm not much of a party person. And I don't identify myself in any of those tribes..."

"Ashley doesn't identify himself to any of the tribes either and it doesn't matter. The important thing is to have fun."

"She is right", Ashley said. "I'm not emo or punk, maybe my style is a bit of all of them but it doesn't matter I have to label myself. Besides I'm a party person either. But is the end of the summer and we deserve to have some fun before the nightmare of school actually begins. It's tradition and this year it will be awesome."

I smiled. He grabbed the cup himself with the milkshake and gave it to me. He was pretty like a girl, with a pair of big pale green eyes and pink lips.

"We're leaving at 5 pm. We will meet here. My sister has a van so we'll fit in perfectly. Don't be late."

"Oh do you have a phone number?", Emili said. I nodded. She made me write it in her pink glittery agenda, but after I had written my name and my number, she drew up a heart beside it.

A couple of days ago I found that phonebook, I don't know why I have it in my stuff but it was there and it made me nostalgic...

It's nice to be able to go back to those beige days when life was easy, and we didn't even know...