Jax

Margot looks like sunshine.

I watch her look out of the window, bracing her elbow against the windowsill. I've taken her to my favourite café, Isolde, which is famous for its buttery scones and sweet teas. This is our first official date, and I'm with the most gorgeous girl I know.

I reach out to take her hand. Margot glances over at me, her pretty eyes dipping to focus on our intertwined fingers. She looks back up into my eyes. "How are you feeling?"

I lift her hand up to kiss along her fingertips, glancing up at her. "Better now you're here."

Margot grins. The white lace sleeves of her blouse flutter in the breeze, the latter of which is created by the open window we're sitting by. "That's cheesy, Jax."

I smile against my will. "You make me cheesy, I can't help it."

I can't explain how she makes me feel. But there's a quiet, settled calm to our relationship now. The loudness has been silenced, and this moment feels clear of tension.

I watch Margot sip her hot chocolate, looking around Isolde with interest. She looks back to me, smiles, and tilts her head into me, like she's going to tell me a secret. I lean into her, listening curiously.

"Don't those two look happy?" I glance to the people she's indicating. An elderly man is offering a younger girl flowers, smiling tenderly at her. He kisses her cheek, and she smiles back at him.

I scrunch my nose, whispering in Margot's ear, "I'm hoping that's not what I think it is."

Margot hits my shoulder lightly, laughing. "It's probably not! She could be his granddaughter, for all we know."

"But we don't know." I say, chuckling as I look away. "Do you want to go for a walk after we're done here?" 

Margot agrees. We finish our drinks quickly and she takes my hand as we leave the café. 

The rest of the day finishes itself in a blur of warmth. Margot sits opposite me, by this huge oak tree in a park we found together. Her long hair flows in a stream with the wind, and the warm look in her eyes is irresistible.

I grab her hand and run down the hill, hearing her shriek as I race us to a secluded area, covered by leaves and the undergrowth. I turn to Margot and she kisses me feverishly, holding me against her skin. I move my lips to her collarbone, tracing a path to the strap of her dress. But when I slide it down with my teeth, to kiss along her breast, Margot freezes. 

She gasps, the breath in her chest stuttering. I feel it, because I'm so close to her. I move away immediately and fix her strap, my worried eyes seeing her own dilated and wild.

I feel her weight give way. Margot's body sinks into my arms as I catch her. I touch her forehead, and she's feeling hot. 

"Noel, you have to breathe." I try not to let my voice shake. I move away slowly, so that my skin isn't touching hers. I refuse to touch Margot further. I know what a panic attack looks like. I used to have them practically every day.

I watch her try to steady herself, but all our efforts are failing. They're in vain. She can barely hear me as I whisper soft reassurances to her. I stand and look on, waiting and hating myself.

I watch the evergreen trees swaying in the wind, to distract myself from my own growing panic. The sun is torturously beating on our skin, hot and bright. Once Margot's erratic breathing becomes slower and steadier, I kneel to the ground. 

I tentatively reach out to gather her hand in mine. Her serious eyes flick to my face. "I didn't know that I was going too far, Margot." I say soberly. "You always call the shots from now on."

I take her to my dorm room on school campus. When we reach, Margot collapses into the bed and covers herself in the blankets. She won't look at me, and it feels like my heart is tearing itself out.

I call Georgia. I can't be alone. As Georgia sits by Margot's side, gently running her fingers through Margot's hair, I back away and stand by Margot's door. I'm obscured by the side wall jutting out, covering me.

When Noel wakes, Georgia smiles tentatively at her. "I heard that you could use a friend."

Margot stares at her sleepily. "What happened?" she asks, her voice low but scratchy. Still jumpy from what happened. "Where's Jax? We were on our date."

"You had a panic attack, Noel." Georgia says calmly. "You're in Jax's room, and he called me to take care of you."

I see when Margot's defences come back up. She stares at Georgia warily. "Is he okay?"

"He's fine." Georgia reassures her. She turns her head subtly, like she knows I'm still there. "He's a lot closer than you think."

I can see the cogs turning in Margot's head as she tries to discern the meaning behind Georgia's less subtle remark. At last, she brushes it aside. "How long have you known Jax?"

This might get uncomfortable for me.

Georgia's smile softens as she takes a trip down memory lane. "A few years. We used to go to the same school, then Jax transferred here."

"That's weird." Margot says. She looks confused, and for once, I hate how smart she is. "I thought I saw something today. I might as well tell you about it."

"What was it?" Georgia asks.

"I saw a picture of you in the school trophy room. I almost thought you had a twin sister. The girl was on the chess decathlon, and she wore glasses and braces." 

I'm sure I've turned pale. Georgia's perfect eyebrows crease as she smiles. "Noel, you're being silly. That's not me."

Margot frowns, but the smile on her face remains fixed. "Then I must have made a mistake. My bad, Georgia."

I take that as my cue to enter the room. Georgia stands up, her smile becoming genuine as we exchange a look. I pass her and sit by Margot, forcing my expression to remain neutral. I know that Margot can't stand pity.

"How are you feeling?" I ask, kissing her knuckles.

Margot peers back at me warily. "Better. Thanks for taking me to my room."

"That's what boyfriends do." I joke awkwardly, but I manage to elicit a weary laugh from my girlfriend. I glance at Georgia and she takes the cue to leave, shutting the door quietly. I search Margot's eyes with my own. "Are you not okay with us getting more intimate?"

"Emotionally, I'm happy with where we're going. But I'm struggling more on the physical side." Margot administers this revelation with a tiny smile, and it's bright enough to light up any room. "Is it okay if we stick to kissing from now on? Nothing further than that?"

I smile, brushing her forehead with my fingers. "That suits me, gorgeous. You're definitely better now though, right?"

Margot settles back into her pillow, opening her arms in invitation. "I could be better, if you stayed with me for a few hours."

I sink into her arms, and she squeezes me into a hug. I reach up to kiss her forehead softly. "You never have to ask, Margot."

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