Noel

My hair is gleaming like it used to. I carefully braid the fronts and tie them at the back, leaving the rest loose, with pieces in the fronts. I feel incredibly perfect and whole again. It's not purely because of Jax. He didn't fix me, but he gave me the courage to fix myself. He made me realise that everything good still lives there. He stepped into my life that day, and everything turned on its head in the best way possible.

I step into Sociology, and I don't register the scowl on piercing-boy Mason, or the curious expression on bubblegum-haired Emily. Everyone in that room fades in comparison... to the empty seat behind my own.

I frown. Our teacher, whose name I've conveniently forgotten, will turn up any second now and Jax still isn't here. I go to my seat and wait, closing my eyes to catch the last five minutes of nap time that I can get. Then I feel the brush of someone walking past me, and the chair behind my own scrapes back as someone sits down. My eyes open wide, and my heart races in my chest.

I turn around, prepared to greet Jax with my brightest smile. But any joy on my face dies instantly. It feels like an alternate reality. 

I'm in Sociology, in my normal seat. Jax should be behind me. But this isn't Jax. 

Instead of the tall golden boy I know, this is his antithesis. Dark haired with a set jaw, intensely handsome. Lounging in Jax's chair, ankles crossed, stretched out so his shoes nudge the back of my chair legs. And his expression gives the impression of amusement, mischief. 

He reminds me of a panther, for some reason. He has the same litheness and casual grace, even while sitting, when he should have been as awkward as most boys our age. He looks at me, a smile curving his mouth. 

"Looking for someone?" I hear the vaguest hint of something different with the usual accent, an amalgamation of interesting sounds in three words alone. But he's looking at me with something that feels strange. Like a cat with its prey.

I clear my throat, abruptly looking away from him. "Yes, actually. I don't know if you've seen him."

"You mean Jax? Yeah, a couple of times." he says, voice low and pleasant. A certain evenness to its quality.

He seems too calm, too smooth. I look at him sharply. Casual indifference doesn't seem to cut it, so I decide to get straight to the point.

"Look, you have to be honest with me. Where is he?"

"I could do more than that for you." he says, and I catch the innuendo. I feel my cheeks turn pink. He smirks, clearly relishing his victory. He's not like Jax at all. "But I don't have to do anything at all, if I don't want to." he says.

"You're wrong about that." I say under my breath, looking away, but he hears me anyway. 

He frowns and tilts his head to the side, looking at me with a keen edge to his eyes. "Am I really? Or are you the one who's wrong?" he says, then he leans towards me. "Am I really that forgettable?"

I look at him carefully, then a gasp escapes me. "You're the boy from the library. Jax's friend, right?"

"Ding, ding, ding." he then mimics the roar of a volcano exploding.

I stare at him, nonplussed. "What on earth are you doing in Jax's seat, then?"

He gives me a playful, slightly less mysterious, smile. "Isn't it obvious? I'm moving to your Sociology class."

I snort. "You're so dramatic already? I thought Jax was the drama queen."

"According to Jax, that particular role is occupied by you." he says, then puts his hand out for a handshake. "I'm Arden, pleased to meet you."

I eye his hand and I don't take it. "Did we age by five years during this conversation, or are you pretending to be a fifty year old man? Just a hello would be fine."

Arden withdraws his hand. "You've insulted the entire population of elderly men with that comment. Besides, I'm British. I have politeness ingrained into my DNA."

"Interesting backstory, but fifty isn't what I'd call elderly." I counter.

Arden sighs, clearly annoyed by me. "If this is how you are with Jax, then I wonder why he hasn't run away screaming."

I smirk. "Well, there tends to be a lot more kissing involved with him, so..."

"I didn't ask for the details!" Arden exclaims. I push his shoulder playfully, and we talk until the teacher comes, which distracts me from Arden's sense of humor. I glance back at the door, hoping Jax will wander through it. But he doesn't. Maybe he's off sick, with a cold or something, but that still doesn't explain the lack of texts I've received from him.

I lean behind towards Arden's desk and whisper, "Seriously, do you know where Jax is?"

Arden's expression sobers. "Hospital room."

"What?" I say, shocked. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

Arden's brow furrows. "Because it isn't a big deal. He has type one diabetes, right?"

My stomach turns upon hearing those words. I never thought that Jax would have anything to worry about with his health. Maybe he didn't trust me enough to tell me.

I text him to meet me in the library at lunch. A few hours later, I'm standing by our bookshelf at the back, tapping my fingernails nervously on the wooden shelf. When Jax slides into my vision, I turn to him and try to smile. "Hey."

Jax grins, his smile lifting my mood. "Hey yourself. Are we on for another kissing session?"

I laugh quietly. "I'd love that, but I wanted to clear a few things up first."

His expression becomes comically serious. "Oh, no, is it time for a scolding? I don't mind if it's from you."

"Jax, I'm being serious." I say softly, and the humor in his expression drops. He chuckles, albeit nervously, and scratches the back of his neck.

"Okay, I'm sorry. What's this about?" he asks.

I shrug, feeling bad for bringing it up to him. I don't know if it's a serious thing. "Your friend from the library turned up in Sociology and told me you were in the hospital."

Jax's eyes turn surprised. "Right, yeah. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I wasn't going to be in. I have a routine checkup on my insulin dosage, that's all."

"Right, yeah. It's not a big deal but I thought that maybe you didn't want to tell me that you have type 1 diabetes." I say insecurely.

Jax looks at me with surprise in his eyes, then he laughs. "Margot, I didn't tell you because it's never been something I tell people casually. But even then, I barely remember anything when I'm around you. You make me nervous." he admits with a tinge of embarrassment.

I pinch his cheeks and coo, "You're so cute." He swats at my hands, but I know he likes the attention. "For the record, you make me nervous too."

He grins. "I'm happy to hear that."

I turn on my side to look at him properly. "You know Arden sat in your seat during Psychology. I was so shocked."

Jax scowls. "What? That little fucker. What did..." Jax tries to remember the name of our Sociology teacher, but he shakes his head."What did our teacher say about Arden being there?"

I roll my eyes. "You should have seen the way she acted towards Arden. She was basically smitten with him."

Jax's face becomes disgusted. "I don't want to picture that."

"I bet Arden did." I say, laughing as Jax pushes me playfully.

He kisses me on the mouth and smiles. "I'm sorry I didn't come in today."

"You should be." I complain, trying to dodge Jax as he peppers my face with little kisses. "The only reason I go to Sociology is to see you."

Jax moves away and frowns. "Isn't that a problem to you?"

I shrug. "Not really. Lots of kids don't like their subjects. Not that Sociology is boring. I used to love it."

"Then what happened?" Jax asks. I don't like the way his eyes are carefully searching mine, like they'll find the answer to his questions there.

I scowl. "Look, Jax, I like you, but our time is never going to turn into therapy sessions."

"But we need trust, don't we?" Jax counters. My eyes flick to the ground, because I know he's right. We're friends, maybe more, and we deserve some kind of foundation to that. But at the same time, I'm scared that Jax will slip through my fingers. Positively terrified, in fact.

"I'm not good at communicating." I admit. "I'm a hypocrite, in that way. I say I can't stand miscommunications, but I often initiate them."

"You know that I'll tell you anything, right?" Jax says. "You just have to ask. I just want to know if you can do the same for me."

"I want to try." I say honestly.

Jax smiles. "That's more than enough. Now, I want more kisses."

I sigh, but he can see the joy in my face. I'm sure of it. "I'm more than happy to oblige."

When I go back to my dorm that day, I feel the emptiness. The quiet, the solitude. But the glow of being with Jax stays with me.

I turn to look at my drawers, which I know contain row upon row of alcohol in neat bottles. One day, I'll get rid of them. When I'm no longer scared to let go.

I think about the English teacher who humiliated me, weeks ago. My fellow students who trampled on the last fragments of my stability. I save up those little pieces of hurt and I store them away in my heart.

For now, I have Jax. Even if I keep these crutches as backup, I have no need for things that soften the hard edges of life. I'm more than happy with his golden eyes and smile and laughter, all living in my mind, occupying the lonely spaces within.

Trust isn't built in one day. Inch by inch, I'll build up my own castle. I'll find my way home.

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