past

Jax

     In sophomore year, Noel Jean joins my English Lit AP class.

     She sparkles. When Noel talks about Othello, her eyes shine like damn crystals catching the light. I glance at her, and I wonder how such a person can exist.

     She's so beautiful, but her eyes speak volumes. I feel the loneliness creeping around Noel Jean, even though she's surrounded by people. Because I'm alone too.

     Georgia and Arden are my only friends, and even then, I only speak to Georgia during chess club. Arden eats lunch with me every month because banding together might stop the bullying. And there's me, sitting at the front of every single one of my classes, with my overlong brassy hair and awkwardness. There's no way that someone like Noel would see me; except when she needs something from me.

     I still remember that day in the library, when Noel asked me to be her messenger to Michael, like he didn't bully me for the last three years.

     No, I wouldn't go that far for anyone. Not even her.

     But the temptation lingers. She sits just a few seats to my right in English Lit AP, one row ahead. Her hair shines like gold with copper mixed in.

     I'm able to pick up a lot of little bits of knowledge about Noel. She always gives to people, be it her kindness or her material possessions. But subconsciously, I think Noel feels a lot is due to her in return. She can be downright arrogant about it, sometimes.

     Like when she invited me to Michael's party.

     In Noel's mind, she was giving me a way out of my 'unpopularity'. Doing favours for people who never asked. In return, she wanted her pipeline to Michael, but I wasn't getting my hands stuck into that mess.

      Whenever I see Michael and Noel together, I try to believe they're friends. But I see the way that Michael's eyes skim Noel whenever he sees her. It makes me sick to my stomach. What does she even see in him?

     He's a football jock, and she's the stereotypical popular girl. They're supposed to pair off. That's how high school goes.

       So I decide to put my head down and ignore it.

       Until Noel shines the light back onto me again.

///

     One day, Noel looks sad.

     I don't usually look her way because believe me, she seems vain enough. She never seems particularly happy with her cheerleader friends, but Noel's especially melancholic today. Her eyes are darker than their usual honey brown, and her eyebrows furrow whenever she's not talking to someone.

     So I decide that today, I'll talk to her.

      I grab a piece of paper and ball it up, throwing it at Noel's chair. It bounces off the back soundlessly and Noel doesn't notice it. My heart sinks, but Kelly Rowland's looking at me. And she looks surprised.

      She gets Noel's attention and points at me. Noel whips around, her hair flicking around her chin.

When I'm certain that Noel's honey coloured eyes are focusing on mine, I raise my eyebrows in concern and mouth, are you okay? As I predicted, Noel looks slightly startled. It isn't as if we ever interacted on a personal level. To her, I was a transactional item. Another person who can be bought by charming smiles.

Nevertheless, she tilts her head in a what can you do expression. The smile she gives me is abundantly grateful. It indicates that she hasn't received small kindnesses like this in a long while.

I thought that Noel Jean was vain. Not particularly in her appearance. People flock to her, shouting over each other to gain Noel's favour. I think she feels, consciously or not, that a lot is due to her because of it. She can be downright arrogant, sometimes.

Despite having lots of different friends, I didn't believe that Noel enjoyed constantly being in their company. Often I would see her outside the locker room in our gym, staring at the walls like she was trying to find a message in them.

I don't think anyone knew who Noel was, except for Noel.

     When I leave the bathroom after period five, I'm surprised to see a familiar girl sitting against the lockers. Her head is bent, and she lets pearlescent drop after drop spill to the floor from her eyes.

My first reaction is that I don't want to make her feel awkward. Here I am, a complete stranger, but she's no stranger to me. This is Noel, and I've liked her for months without realising it. Fuck, I like her more than I know. Than I think I do.

Against my better judgement, I walk over to her tentatively. She looks up sharply the moment she hears my footsteps, then she drags her sleeve across her cheeks harshly. "What?" she mutters, turning away from me. Pulling on her perfect veneer again, so that I can't see through anymore.

I don't know what to say. I don't think I can say anything right. So I offer her something better.

"I'll talk to Michael for you. If you still want me to."

She looks at me unseeingly at first, like she has no idea what I'm talking about. Because I'm forgettable, unlike her. But then I see the recognition register, then she understands.

"Yes." she says simply. "Just ask him to talk to me."

Turns out I don't have to interfere for her. That afternoon, while I'm getting my stuff from my locker, I see Noel and Michael together, talking. She's laughing while he smiles at her, and I'm sick to my stomach because I can't watch it anymore. I don't want to tangle myself in with Noel.

So I leave and I forget. I try my hardest to wipe it all away, but she comes back to haunt me in my dreams. Unwillingly, I let her.

///

The next day, I'm getting my books out of my locker when the strangest thing happens. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Noel standing with her friends nearby, looking stunning in a simple top and jeans.

When I shut my locker, no longer focusing on Noel, she's standing next to me, leaning against my locker. I nearly jump out of my skin. "Hey." Noel says with a bright smile, like we're friends. But I know that we're not.

I put my book down and resist the urge to smile back. It's nauseating. "Hey."

"I'm sorry about yesterday." she frowns. "I didn't mean to cry on you like that."

"It's not a big deal." I shove my hands into my pockets, wondering when she's going to leave me alone.

"But I wanted to thank you. Michael talked to me yesterday." she says, and I notice for the first time that she looks genuinely happy. My chest aches, like someone's just taken a knife to it and slowly, excruciatingly, is pulling it out, inch by inch.

Noel tosses me something. I catch it, uncrumpling the piece of paper in my fist. It's an invite; there's a party at Michael's house today.

She touches her glossed lip as she speaks, and my eyes are drawn to her mouth like a moth to flame. "There's a party at Michael's tomorrow. Are you going?" she wonders.

I pale as I stare at the paper, my hands shaking.

"Are you okay?" Noel asks in concern, watching me.

I stare at her, then I let out an incredulous laugh. "Yeah, of course. You want me to go to my bully's party. That's right at the top of my list of fun things to do."

Noel's smile washes away. "What?"

"He tramples on everyone he doesn't care about."

Mistrust fills her eyes. "Michael's a nice person, Ajax. You need to get over your prejudices."

"It's not prejudice." I protest. "You're blindsided by his fake sweetness. Michael doesn't care about you."

Noel steps back, shaking her head. "Oh, and you do? I can make my judgements on people myself."

"I'm warning you that he isn't as good a guy as you think!" I throw my arms up in frustration, racking my brain as to what will get Noel to believe me. "You're making a big mistake by going to his party."

Noel wrinkles her nose. "Is this because you don't like my friends?"

"Of course it is. But this isn't jealousy or whatever you're thinking about. I genuinely think this won't end well if you go. 

"Please don't go." I implore.

"Why not?" she asks, her honey coloured eyes focused on me. "Do you not want to be friends anymore?"

"We've had two conversations." I point out.

"Three, actually." she retorts, then sighs. "I'm not going to ask you to come with me, because that would be unfair. But don't say that I'm making a mistake."

"Even if you are?"

"If you care the slightest bit about me, you'll let me enjoy myself with my friends."

I know who her friends are. People that won't think twice before stabbing each other in the back. But I'm fighting a losing battle here.

"I do care." I argue. I take in a deep breath and concede. "I don't care, okay? Do whatever you want. But just be careful."

Noel smiles in satisfaction. "Thanks, Ajax. You've been a good friend."

She walks back down the hallway after saying a hesitant goodbye, tossing her hair over her shoulder, her heels clicking on the floor. I stare after her in dismay, wondering what Michael Sayer's party will bring.

///