Be that cat
Be that cat that stands alone
Be that cat that's always strong
Be that cat that parts from the crowd
Be that cat that hands trying to reach, to touch,
To understand
Yet that cat remains untouchable
Independent, aloof.
Yes, I wrote that poem
And yes, I lived my life exactly as that.
Until he entered my life, that's it.
But like a wounded bird, I-
No, not like a wounded bird,
I'm much better than a birdie.
Like an untamed wild lion
Yes, that's much much better.
I ran away from his attempt
To love me
I ran and never stop
Because such a sacred word
Should not be wasted on me.
Mama looked at me with concern in her tired eyes
The number on the weight is dropping
"Not yet, you are not punished enough!"
The demons said in unison
I agreed with them, of course
No way starved for three days
Is enough a punishment
For breaking his heart.
(Like Daddy did to me)
I didn't break his heart on purpose, I swear
I was trying to save him
To save us
From infernal pain.
But you see, it backfired
And here I'm left with a boy
Who's hurt because of me
(Like what Daddy did to me)
Of course I wouldn't even care
If it is not for the fact that
I **** him
I swore once to never lie to myself
Lie to everyone is acceptable
But not to myself, no
Otherwise what would I be but nothing?
But I can't bring myself to think about it
I **** him
Still can't say it.
My grandma came and visited us
She widened her eyes in horror at the sight of me
"So skinny, girl!
Look at you, all bones and skin."
She and Mama (I think they were on a scheme)
Took me out for lunch
Ha, they don't know donuts and pizza
I can resist
But him, I'm obsessed about him
I cannot resist thinking about him
I'm so long for his lips on my lips
For our mouth to collide against each other's
Like an iceberg going for the Titanic
And drowned in his melodic voice
And never come back up again.
Suddenly, my Mama called out his name
And I'm jerked awake
To seeing him standing in the doorway
Of Pizza's hut
He awkwardly said "Hi"
And I saw him hesitated
Before decided to come to our table.
We hadn't meet for three days,
But I already see sadness
On his handsome face
Normally, I would be flattered
To cause a boy heartbreak
But not in this situation.
Instead I felt an ache in my chest
Seeing him this way.
My fingers grasped onto the chair
So to not spring out for his arms
Around me
For his heart beating
Under my cheeks.
"Get a grip!"
The demons scowled at me
"You are not one of those girls,
Who are like a puppy
Clinging on their boyfriends"
No, I guess not
we weren't even dating,
But I can't help it.
Can't help the fact that
I love him,
There, I said it
I L-O-V-E him
"So what now? You guys just gonna run off
Into the sunset and
Live happily ever after?"
I chuckled darkly at the question
People looked at me strangely
But I didn't care
Because I knew
The answer to that stupid question,
That the 'happily ever after' shits
Did not apply to me.

Time to go to bed,
Grandma came in and turned on my night light
And sit next to my bed,
She read fairy tales to me
Like she used too
Like when I was five
With an unbroken heart.
"The witch was punished,
The kingdom cheered their name
And the princess and prince
Lived happily ever after. The end."
"But that's not true, is it?"
I asked,
"They did not lived happily ever after,
They'd meet some other challenges,
And who knows, the prince might strayed.
The princess would become a witch.
There is nothing such as
Happily ever after,
Just a break in regular action."
Grandma's wrinkled eyes filled with knowledge,
Her freckles hand gently smoothed my hair.
"I guess not. There may not be happy endings,
But there certainly are happy middles.
Be optimistic, child.
Other people's stories are not yours.
Love will come. True love.
And you'll know when it does."
Suddenly,
Out of the blue, the angels resurfaced.
They smiled. I understood.
No amounts of scowling from my devils
Could change my mind now.
Tomorrow, I'd tell him
"I love you"
I'd even spell it out if he want me too.
"I l-o-v-e you"
Thoughtlessly, love became my favourite word
I like the way it tastes on my tongue
It tasted like nectar and salt,
Like fresh blooms and rising stars,
Like hope.
Like him.