Did something ever happened to you
That drew a line marked as
'Before' and 'After' ?
It happened to me.
I knew that the final divulgement is coming,
Way long before the moment actually knock on our door
One morning, my Daddy went out the front door with a suitcase in his hand
I noticed, his ring finger is vacant.
And so I started to cry, but silently
Daddy hated it when I cry
Daddy would say I'm not good enough.
So the lump in my throat, I'd swallow it in
The tears that was glittering in my eyes, I'd force them back,
But my young heart was teared, there was no way I could put them back together.
Me and Mama were standing in the yard watching Daddy moved his suitcases
Mama- proud as a lion, chin tilted upward.
Me- delirious of the amount of tears I'm holding back.
When Daddy was finished pack away his things,
He crouched down before me and stroked my blonde crown
"I'll be gone for awhile, be a good girl, okay?"
Adults! You can always expect to receive expectations from them.
"Is there another woman, are you actually leaving us?
Don't you love me? Don't you love Mama?"
He seemed to be surprised at my questions
Or rather, at how accurate my questions were.
"I will visit you sometime, don't be so troubled,
And of course I love you."
My lips thinned into a line
I knew it was his discreet way of saying,
"Yes, there is another woman. I love you (not), now stop being
A pain in the ass, and let me go."
I also noticed Daddy didn't say he love Mama,
I also noticed the shattering sound of Mama's last hope behind me,
And the sore spot on my small shoulder blade
Where Mama's long fake nails dug in while she was clutching on me.
The moment Daddy's car pulled out of the park
I felt like the world was collapsing around me,
And I almost gave in to the dam of tears behind my eyes
But Mama hissed in my ears,
"Smile, now. Show him that you don't care, be normal.
Because you are, because you can."
I understood her last attempt at securing our dignities
And so I faked a welfare smile for him,
Standing tall with our chests outward, and a brilliant smile
Playing across our perfectly designed masks.
We. A seven years old girl and a thirty-five woman
Stood watching a man- a traitor- driving away,
Fleeing from the responsibilities he had with us,
Fleeing from the broken heap that was once upon a time
Our home.
But still as a statue I stood,
To show him that I didn't care,
To please my Mama,
(So my tears wouldn't escape, because they would drown me.)
Because I'm ever not a good girl.

I was at his place, wearing my favourite jumper of his.
We were laughing and talking about the last party we attended
Then suddenly he went still,
And I knew the moment was coming.
There were indications, of course.
What with meeting his parents and telling his friends about me.
He turned so now we're facing each other,
I'm holding my breath.
"Celeste," His voice sounded hoarse and he cleared his throat
I love the way his mouth enveloped around my name,
Like it's a very fragile thing that he should handle it gently.
"I, I know this is all of the sudden, and I know you don't like commitment.
But I wonder, if, if you would like to be my girlfriend."
His stammering words were like a noose threw around my neck,
Made me momentarily lost for words
And I'm trying very hard not to flinch.
Yet the emotion must showed on my face somehow,
Because I saw unbearable pain flashed in his eyes.
"No," I croaked "I'm sorry, no."
Those nectarous eyes now transformed into a whirlpool of pain.
Those sweet sweet eyes that used to look at me like
I'm the needle
Ridding him of diseases
Now those amber eyes looked at me like
I'm the source
Of those fatal illness.
Gosh, how gratified I am
That I do not carry my heart
Otherwise, I'd have a heart attack.
"I know you'd said no, but I ask anyway,"
He said bitterly "A fool, I am"
We sit through hours in uncomfortable silence
Until I spoke up and said goodbye
No, not forever goodbye
Just, for now goodbye,
But I thought he think I meant the first line
Took in a sharp breath, he walked me out the door
"So, we're still good? I'll see you later?"
"Yeah. I'll see you later."
I turned and walked down the street,
Made sure his eyes couldn't see me anymore
Before I broke into a run.
He knew I don't like commitments,
But he didn't know why
I tell you now, it's because I'm a coward
I do not fall in love,
For fear of a more broken heart.
I do not fall in love,
Because I'm scared of losing
Losing him
(Just like how I lost Daddy)
"You are so pathetic, stop being so goddam sentimental!"
My demons sneered at me.
And I know they are right.
Because it is better that way,
Without any mental constraints.
Because...
My answer would forever and only be an infinity of no's

------------------------------------------------------------Author's note---------------------------
This chapter is dedicated to every girls out there whose dads broke their hearts before any boy could. Be strong, be brave and:
"But dear,
don't be afraid of love,
It is only magic."
R.m Drake
And thank you very much for reading my freestyle poems, cheers :)