Diary entry # 41

How do you truly know when you're in love? How do you know that you have found the right person to spend forever with? I mean I've been in love a few times in my short life. Or at least I thought I was. Maybe I was but it was with the wrong person. All I know is it always ended in heartbreak, never boosted by a marriage proposal. I'm happy for my friends, I really am. But now that they're engaged I can't help but feel like I'm about to lose my friends. I know it's silly, but marriage changes people. Not to mention when they have children. I'm gonna be an aunt or God mother. For a moment, a split second even, I wondered what would have happened if Teddy and I had tried a little harder to be together. Would I be the one smiling and gushing over a ring right now? I quickly dismissed the thought. They were good together. Perfect actually. Seeing them happy made me want to be just as happy. Not necessarily with someone but with myself. I've been mostly content with hints of happiness here and there. But I need to deal with my own demons before I can love myself and possibly love someone else. Donovan maybe? I don't know. Part of me wanted him to just show up last night after the proposal like he always does. But he didn't. I think I might have screwed it up. Not that I really know what I want. I mean I can't just dive into anything here. But now that Teddy and Petty are going to get married I'll need a backup friend you know. Someone else to drag me out of bed. But after last night, I've decided to do something I never thought I'd do in a million years. To confront my demons, I'm going to see her.

This is a stupid idea I told myself as I walked into the Maxi clothing store. She probably doesn't even work here anymore. I contemplated calling Petty but she and Teddy were probably busy enjoying the lingerie she bought.

I walked around the store looking at clothes I wasn't interested in. Who says she was still working here, two years later? Petty had found out where she worked by pure coincidence after the funeral.

I always thought about talking to her, about him but I thought it was best to let go, or just bury feelings deep within. I did the latter of course.

I browsed for a few more seconds before I decided to give up and leave. Just as I turned around I heard a female voice ask if I needed help. I was about to dismiss the person, when I turned around and saw her.

I'd only seen her twice, once in the hospital when I found out she existed and the other at the funeral. But I could not forget her face; after all she's a part of the reason why I'm so messed up.

She's a little bit shorter than me with dark natural curly hair. She wore simple black jeans, her Maxi shirt and no makeup. When I didn't respond, she spoke.
"We have a special sale going on 15% off all items on marked racks"

" Uh I'm sorry I have to go" I felt like running out of place, sprinting so fast, I could beat Asafa Powell. Before I could walk away she caught my arm.

"Wait don't leave. You're her, aren't you?"