Diary entry #38
I Don't Wanna Feel

I know, I know, I've been slacking on my weekly diary entries. Three weeks is a long time, alot of life has happened that needs to be recorded so my future self can reminisce. So Drumstick, the newest addition to my single life is, becoming, somewhat of a friend. I am being careful not to start feeling but he's great, so great. The last three weekends have been good to say the least. Zumba class has become a pattern for both of us. No not "us". Drumstick and I. He's such a good dancer. And then we go for lunch at Chin's Restaurant. It has become our mini tradition. But you must be wondering, Lisa, why aren't you at class with him now? Well he left to go to Mobay to visit his mother for her birthday. A party I assume. And I know it's for family but when I realized we wouldn't be hanging out this time around, I felt a pinch of jealousy and then a wave of loneliness came over me. The loneliness is not something I'm used to anymore. I've prided myself on being good on my own for almost a year and a half. The last time I felt this weird feeling was when... Nope...No we aren't going to talk about him. Haven't mentioned his name in 2 years and I'm not going to start now.

Drumstick had asked me last week at lunch after he made all five pebble shots, yes we play it every weekend, why I'm single. I told him it was because I chose to be, which is true but not the whole truth. Even after this long time, I still can't bring myself to talk about what happened. Curse Drumstick for causing me to think about one of the worst periods of my life. The part I've buried so deep, under my smiles and laughter with friends, and my job. I never thought I'd think about it again but when he asked, my mind went right back there. I wasn't as talkative after our meal. He kept asking if I was ok, of course I faked a smile and told him I was fine. I think he bought it. But now that he's not here, it feels even more real. I don't want to feel lonely. I don't want to feel anything.

Later that evening Petty called me out for not hanging out with her for the past three weeks. I figured since I was free, I could go for a little girlfriend time. We made arrangements to meet at the mall. I showered and decided not to try and dress up.

I pulled out any jeans I could find and a blue blouse that wasn't too wrinkled. My shoulder length hair was pulled back into a ponytail and my full lips were lightly covered in pink lipgloss.

I arrived at the mall and sat by the water fountain facing the grand entrance to the mall. It was one of the larger shopping centres in Kingston, The Pavillion. It wasn't big enough to lose your child in, however it had three floors and a food court with several restaurants.

They had already started to put up Christmas decorations. Christmas lights lined the entrances to stores and several red and green garlands hung from the ceiling. I never understood why people started to celebrate Christmas so early. I don't normally feel the Christmas spirit until I get a break from work, a couple days before Christmas day. Then I'm fully engaged in Christmas and holiday mode until January second.

After a half an hour wait, Petty finally walked through the entrance, dressed in an ankle length gray strapless dress, with red wedged heels. Her makeup, perfect and her hair freshly permed and curled. I look down at my attire and mentally kick myself for not trying harder.

"Hey princess" I said with a grin.

"Hey boo! Where have you been? Under Donovan I hope" .

" Ugh no" I said when we hugged. "Just friends" I stated.

"Why waste a perfectly good man with just friendship? I think you need some vitamin S in your system" she said sitting down at the table.

"Girl please vitamin S is not  compulsory for daily function"

" Well it is for me". We both laughed loudly.

"What are we doing here?" I asked, realizing that we didn't actually speak about what we were doing.

"I need your help picking out something nice for our 3 year anniversary next week".

" Well he doesn't need a watch, or cologne. So forget those-" I start.

"Not that type of special." She interrupts.

"So what are you talking about?" I asked puzzled, usually I'm the go to person for gift ideas between these two.

"Come follow me" she said before getting up and walking towards the staircase.

Seconds later I found myself in Christian Grey's red playroom. Or at least it could have been with all the colourful leather straps and whips that lined the walls. Dildos were displayed so boldly in showcases, with all different shapes, sizes, and colours. All that was missing was naked Anastasia tied to a bed.

"Petty? I am very uncomfortable."
"Lisa. I know you're not a prude so stop acting like it. Not because you haven't had any in centuries, I know you are a freak." Wait what?

"How do you know I'm a freak?" She didn't answer my question.

"Plus you are the only ex-girlfriend of his who would know what he likes and that I can talk to".

"Look girl. It was one awkward encounter where we bumped into each other and body parts touched body parts. I don't know anything about his preferences" I said flicking a mesh stocking that was hanging next to my head. It only had a picture of the bottom half of  a woman posing provocatively. Way too much for my taste, or too little.

"Please Lisa. I have an idea but I need someone to say, 'Yaas Bitch!' When I walk out you know?" She pleaded with me. 

"Fine what are you thinking?" I said, knowing there was no point in protesting.

An hour later we were still in the store. Petty was trying on the fifth black lingerie that looked just like the others but with a little less fabric. Every minute she'd crack open the door to the dressing room and call me to look at her half naked body.

"Is this sexy enough?" She'd ask. Of course it's sexy, that girl's body could put an hour glass to shame. I on the other hand had my curves where it mattered but I wasn't a bombshell like Petrina.

"Yes it is. And what's the point if you're just going to get naked anyway? The best lingerie is no lingerie."

' Lisa it's not just about being naked. The lingerie adds a sexy appeal. It's like your wearing something but it's like nothing at all"

" If it's nothing at all, then what's the point?" I asked. I seriously didn't get it.

" Don't you own any lingerie?"

" No never saw the point. Plus I hate strings finding their way into my cracks and crevices". Petty looked at me as if I'd grown two heads.

" As soon as I get out of this, we are fixing that."

" Nah I'm good." I said stepping out of the dressing room.

" Donovan is gonna want something nice for..."

" Just friends" I reiterated to cut her off. Just friends.

The thing about Petty is that once she set her mind to doing something, there was no stopping her or changing her mind. Usually I'd admire that about her but not this time. But not when her goal is getting me to try on a white lingerie that was more see through than a glass window.

I stood my ground until she gave up, and bought me a simple black lace bra with gold trim and matching underwear. She was so sure I would be wearing it for Donovan one day. I kept reminding her that we were just friends because I'm not interested. Although this excursion got me thinking, what if I did, want more? Nah nope. Lisa, you need to stop. All this did was get your mind distracted from the disasters of the past. That's all it was.