I haven't seen Seth since the police raid two weeks ago. He's obviously been dealing with a lot since his mom was arrested and I didn't want to add to his stress. So, Christmas night I'd said goodbye, called my dad and left.

My family ended up celebrating Christmas on New Year. It was quiet and a little depressing. My parents had gone so far as to buy Seth a couple of gifts so that he'd feel included, and those presents sat untouched beneath the tree until I had to return to school.

I'd texted Seth a couple of times just to see how everything was going. He didn't text back until two days ago and it was only to let me know he wouldn't be at school for a few days. It's now the end of the first week of the new semester and he's still gone. I'm finding it difficult to focus on classes when all I want to do is help Seth maneuver through everything that's happening. I have no idea what kind of legal crap he's having to deal with, but I'd still like to offer some kind of support.

Last semester was a piece of cake. I'd only signed up for four classes and they were bunched into just two days a week. This semester is another story. I've got classes every day and they're spaced out just right to ensure I never have any freedom. It's only been a week and I'm already doubtful that I'll survive the rest of the year.

I spend the majority of my free time with Emma, who's still recovering from her incident. She's strong, smiling through her reality, but I know she's a little broken inside. She's been spending her time relearning the violin. It's inspiring, really. I doubt I'd be able to learn an instrument the first time and here she is starting all over again. That's what passion looks like. Passion is fire, searing itself into a person's blood. It's a part of them that can't be ignored.

After much debate, I finally chose a major. I'm not even sure if it's something I'm interested in, but it would get me a decent job after graduation. So, business became my focus. If all fails, maybe I can start my own business with the knowledge I accrue these next few years. But in reality, sometimes I wonder what I'm actually doing here. Do I want this bad enough to throw thousands of dollars at a degree I selected at random from a list?

Rolling up from my supine position on my bed, I tuck my hands under my thighs, legs dangling off my bed, and stare around the room. Emma left an hour ago to spend the weekend with her mom and now it's just me. I have no plans to go home this weekend, unlike the majority of everyone else who lives within driving distance of home. It's quiet and too cold for a walk, so I'm stuck in my room alone. It's a massive bummer because I'm starving for human interaction.

-----

Unfortunately, I don't see Seth until the following weekend, but when we do finally meet up, something is off about him. Granted, he's dealing with a lot right now, but that doesn't explain his lack of communication. For the past few days, I've been texting him and only receiving brief responses. Our last real interaction was Christmas night and in that moment things had gotten a little heated—feelings were discussed, near kisses were shared—and now this. If I'm not mistaken, it's as if he's avoiding me. Maybe that's all Christmas night was to him... a moment.

As Seth and I sit in a corner booth of the small campus coffee shop, I start to wonder if I lack any skill at reading him. Maybe this was all friendship to him all along. Maybe his attraction toward me led him to want to sample something more, and maybe that helped him realize taking things further was not what he was interested in right now. Not with me anyway.

"Okay," I sigh, clamping my hands together and plopping them down on the top of the table. Seth's attention snaps away from the bottom of his coffee cup and lands on me. "What in the world is going on?"

I'm not the most patient person in the world and I despise prolonged confusion. He's here right now, so I'm going to get answers. If he's struggling with his feelings, I want to know. If he's overwhelmed by home life, I want to know. If it's something else, I freakin' want to know.

Seth clears his throat and downs the last sip of his beverage. The waitress comes by the moment he sets his mug on the table and fills it to the top again.

"Thank you," he mutters, barely offering her a glance. Cupping his hands around his mug, he lifts his attention toward me. "Sorry." He shakes his head. "I don't have much of an excuse."

I nod, propping my chin in my palm. "I'll take whatever excuse you've got."

His eyes find mine and I let him analyze my features for several seconds as he tries to understand if I'm pissed or not. The thing is, I'm not. I'd just like for him to open up a little and let me into whatever struggle he's dealing with.

"I don't have a lot to say," he admits. "My mom's trial should be happening sometime in the next couple of weeks. I won't have any concrete information until that happens. But," he rubs at his neck, "it's not looking great."

I sigh. I should have known his behavior had nothing to do with me. But, it's hard not to wonder when a person suddenly abandons you without any explanation.

"I'm sorry," I mutter, dropping my eyes to the melted marshmallows clinging to the inside of my mug. "Have you been talking to anyone about all this?"

My question might sound like prying, but I'm really just concerned. If he hasn't been talking to me about it, then I do hope he's been opening up to someone. Even if that someone is Shonice; I'd be okay with that.

When his eyes dart toward the window, I wonder if he's hiding something. Maybe he's been seeking comfort from Cassandra instead. Seth might be attracted to me, but that doesn't mean he hasn't found a good friendship in her. Maybe she's a better listener. I really wouldn't be surprised. I tend to get easily distracted. My thoughts drift away from conversations at times. It's very plausible that he'd prefer to divulge his family troubles to someone willing to offer a better listening ear.

"No."

His simple response pulls me from my thoughts. I blink at him, relief and worry battling in my chest.

"No one?" I question. "Seth, that's not... that's not healthy, you know?" I swallow, a deep ache twisting into my chest. "Why didn't you come to me?"

He leans back in his seat, coffee abandoned on the table as he crosses one arm over his chest and grabs the back of his neck with the other. Then he shrugs.

"You were another issue all on your own," he says, and then quickly backtracks, like he's trying to erase his own words. "Issue is the wrong term. I just—I couldn't handle everything with my mom and all that was happening between us."

I nod, pushing away the sting. I'm trying to be understanding, but it's hard. Had things been reversed, I would have found comfort in Seth's friendship. Instead, he found our friendship as just an added burden. It's hard not to take offense at that.

"Can I get another hot chocolate?" I suddenly ask the passing waitress. "Extra marshmallows?"

"Sure." The waitress smiles and turns back toward the counter.

I need a distraction or I might lunge across this table and slap a face. I know my anger is a result of being hurt. I'd resigned myself to simple friendship and then two weeks ago, in his uncle's bathroom, he stirred everything up again.

"If you didn't want this, why'd you try to kiss me?"

The question is out of my mouth before I can even register that my thought had turned into an audible question. Seth doesn't even seem startled by my forwardness. Actually, it seems like it's a thought he's had often over the last few days.

"Because," he starts to say, brows woven into regret, "I didn't realize the timing of everything then. If I'd know all that was about to happen with my mom, I definitely wouldn't have done what I did."

I roll my eyes, frustration boiling in my chest.

"I would have waited."

Huh?

I stare at him, unsure that he really said what I just heard. And then his lips start to pull into a soft smile.

"You're cute when you're confused?"

I feel my face scrunch into deeper confusion. I'd been tempted to walk away from this entire conversation, but even though I didn't, it seems my voice did. I can't seem to croak out even a grunt of uncertainty. But, it seems Seth can see the doubt on my face.

"Look," he says, leaning forward and resting his forearms on the edge of the table, fingers clasped in front of him, "I didn't make a mistake with you. My only regret was the timing. There are many things I'm unsure about right now, but our friendship—and anything that's pushed that boundary—is not one of them."

"Okay?" I've finally found my voice but I'm still speechless.

"Okay." He nods. "So, maybe I need to put a hold on this," he waves a finger between us, "but don't give up on me just yet."

"Is that what you want?"

He pushes his mug toward the center of the table and crosses his arms on the wood surface. "No," he admits, "but I want to do right by you. I don't want to be distracted in the middle of all this madness."

Several seconds click by as my tangled thoughts unravel. I hate his words. I hate what he's asking of me, but then something settles into place. A knowing. A sense of peace. For once, can I be the selfless one? For once, can I bury my own emotions?

"Okay," I hear myself agree, nodding firmly. "Maybe you're right. I've been coming at you way too strong and I know it can be overwhelming." Licking my lips, I try to smile. "I'll back off."

"That's not what I—"

"No, no," I say, shooing away the worry in his tone. "I think this'll be good for us. I like you and I'm not going anywhere, but I'm stepping away for a little bit. You need some time to understand what it is that you actually want. You're too nice to tell a girl no, that's what Jamison told me once." Seth scoffs, but I ignore it. "You get trapped in relationships because you can't say no. So I'm saying no for you." Pride blooms in my chest, causing part of my soul to wither in agony. "I'll leave it up to you now."

He watches me, questions storming his viridescent eyes. Then he scrunches his brows, his lips parting as if he's prepared to argue with me about my decision. This is the single most selfless thing I've ever done, but these last few days alone have made me realize how dependent I've become on Seth. I'm no longer myself and I feel like my own desire for him is suffocating me. I need a break... just to breathe. I need to see if he feels anything for me or if he was just mirroring my own emotions.

"Nothing about my day has gone the way I'd hoped," he starts to say, running his hands down his face. "But, Mercy, what I feel is real. I'm not playing around with—"

"Stop."I shake my head, hands waving in front of my face like I'm trying to block his words from penetrating my eardrums. "I can't... Please, just take some time. Figure things out. Then we can talk about all this. I just—I can't hear it right now."

He sighs, dropping his attention to his hands. I watch him pick at his fingers for several seconds before he nods, lifting his gaze to me again.

"Alright." It's a whisper of agreement, and I can see he regrets it the moment the words leave his mouth, but he doesn't change his mind.

Our conversation turns more lighthearted after that. We try to avoid talking about feelings and family, but it's hard and it feels a little stiff. I desperately want to be part of Seth's life. I want to be aware of all that's going on with him. But, I also think we both need this. Just some time to figure ourselves out.

Seth's phone goes off a moment later and he has to leave, but I'm still frozen in my seat. I watch him leave, one hand in his pocket while the other holds his phone to his ear. He waves his fingers at me—the ones clasped around his phone—as he passes the window and I smile. When he's out of sight, I turn my attention to the empty seat across from me.

Thankfully, my drink arrives then and I cup my hands around the warm, smooth material. Movement to my left catches my eye and I watch a customer walk past me and out the door. It's not until they pass the window, head tilted down toward the ground, that I realize it's Cassandra. How odd that she was here this entire time, maybe even sitting directly behind me, and not once did she make herself known. As I turn to watch her walk away, I can't help but wonder why? Has he been avoiding her too?

Shrugging off any thought of their relationship, I sit sipping my hot chocolate in solitude, letting his words bounce around inside my skull. It's good news, right? I should be grateful that he's not writing us off. He's still interested in exploring deeper. And yet, I feel like I've just been thawed out and then thrown right back into the freezer all drippy and vulnerable. The threat of bacteria infesting my heart is a real concern. And yet, everything I'm feeling right now is my own fault. I did this. But I had to. I couldn't have Seth resenting me later when he realized I'd somehow roped him into a relationship he never actually wanted.

I don't want to be bitter or impatient. I need to be strong. Seth doesn't need my kisses and caresses right now; he needs my support and friendship.

Yes, I'm impatient, and that's why I'm sitting here bummed beyond explanation. I want what I want right now. But that's not how love works. That's not even how a good friendship works. So, that's why I'm forcing myself to put my heart on the back burner in order to care for Seth's.

It's a choice, not a feeling.

Rather than pushing for what I want, I'm pushing for what he needs.

---

Do you think this break between them is necessary? 

How many of you are in college now? What's your major?